Eye Candy

You know how I mentioned that I had mints falling from my bra when I got undressed the other night? It has come to my attention (ahem, thanks Kaply) that at the end of my birthday dinner I grabbed a handful of the wrapped after dinner mints, positioned shoved them inside my bra and declared, “I have minty nipples!”

I really wish I could remember these gems. So the shame can be more acute.

Tell me, what drunken embarrassment can you share with me to ease my pain?

“I can’t really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else/but in the end, the only steps that matter/are the ones you take all by yourself/and you and me walk on/yeah you and me walk on/cause you can’t go back now/walk on, walk on, walk on/you can’t go back now. . .” -Can’t Go Back Now, The Weepies (their new album is out!)


46 thoughts on “Eye Candy

  1. Sadly, I have been medicated my entire life, so no drunken escapades to tell. Wow, how boring am I??

    Minty Nipples? Hysterical! I did, however, get caught looking back at ‘something’ while walking at work the other day and walked straight into a file cabinet…

  2. When I was 17, I went my first ‘company’ related party. At said party, I proceeded to get drunk, then hit on every eligible female including a Manager from another department.

    I’m very happy I don’t remember much that night.

  3. Um yes, I think you know one of my bigger ones. Then there was that one time I was laying drunk in the parking lot of a liquor store crying over why my gay friend didn’t love me. Oh, did I mention I was wearing a skirt that was halfway around my waist?

  4. hehe, minty nipples!

    i can’t think of any embarrassing things i’ve done when drunk. i like hearing other people’s stories instead hehehe.

  5. On one of my wild drunken nights post leaving Assface (and reclaiming my youth) I got very smashed, fell on my ass (while wearing a short skirt) then promptly sprung up and told (slurred, actually) the girl staring at me, “Oh, I’m honey, fine.”

    Later that night I made out in the car of a married guy friend of mine (with his unmarried friend) while it was parked in his inlaws driveway. My ass turned the brights on their bedroom window at three in the morning and honked the horn. One of my classier moments. My friend had some explaining to do the next day since his wife had been out of town on active duty.

  6. I took off my jeans and threw them at rich during a drunken fight in the middle of downtown at 2am once.

    I have far too many stories of which make me think, I need to drink water instead.

  7. I crashed a work party after drinking 4 martinis and fell off the deck when I walked in. My skirt was up to my bra and I was wearing backless panties. Serves me right for crashing a party I wasn’t invited to.

  8. I threw up carrots and ranch dip on myself at a work party in front of co-workers after several Big Gulp-sized vanilla vodka sprites.

    I made out with the drummer of a one-hit wonder ’90s band in the broom closet of a friend’s house after several Big Gulp-sized white zins.

    I now tend to stray away from Big Gulp-sized drinks of any kind. Yeesh.

  9. Oh and I broke my foot walking in some high heels too. I stepped in a pothole and snapped it. It didn’t hurt until the next morning when I got up to pee. The ER doctor laughed at me while putting on my cast because he had to stop many times for me to puke in a trash can.

  10. Um, every single time I showed someone my boobs whilst drunk. It’s really nice to be reminded of it by YOUR CLIENT ever a business lunch.

    I’ve cleaned up my flasher ways since then… 😀

  11. I went to a college football game & proceeded to get stinking drunk prior to the game…I guess that’s what happens when you start drinking Screwdrivers at 7am for a Noon game. Anyway, on the way to the stadium, I spotted a cannon…like a huge cannon from the civil war era. I went ahead & did what any other red-blooded drunk midwestern girl would do when something large & phallic is spotted…I jumped up & straddled the thing. In my inebriated state, I slowly started to slip off one side but unfortunately, my other foot was wedged in the wheel well so when my one leg slipped off, my body followed but my one foot stayed put. I heard a distict crack which turned out to be my ankle breaking in 3 places. I didn’t make it to the football game….

  12. I can’t believe I’m about to admit this. On the internet no less. For some reason I thought it would be a fantastic idea to go out with friends the night after one of my first all-nighters in college. I’d been up all night re-typing/re-writing a 40 page term paper that counted for half of my grade after my computer lost about half of it. Good times! I stumbled upstairs and into my room just in time to hear my alarm going. off. Oh joy. Somehow I made it through the day, making it to all of my classes and even working that afternoon. I’m sure the coffee bar in the building that 2 of my 3 classes were in had absolutely nothing to do with it.

    Oh yeah, I just remembered the reason I went out with friends that night instead of crashing was we had concert tickets. Priorities, of course. So we went to the show, then decided to go back to one of my friend’s places to hang out. And, well, I think I skipped dinner. So of course I got drunk pretty damn quickly and passed out on the couch. To this day I still don’t remember most of that evening.

    I woke up in the morning with dried vomit in my hair and at first had absolutely NO idea where I was. Then I slowly remembered getting the tour of the friend’s new apt. the night before, and hazily put the pieces together. I was MORTIFIED, and of course swore I was never drinking again. Dude, I was in college. I think I lasted all of two weeks. And I’ve never been able to drink Sangria again.

  13. I have so many- where to start!? I think we will just have to get drunk together sometime and then I’ll share them with you.

    By the way, I just love the phrase minty nipples. I get nipply just thinking about it!

  14. OK, I’ll share. I was at my sister’s engagement party and the b/f said he would drive (when b/f is DD, his “good host” side comes out and I usually wind up with a backup drink before the first one is half gone). Everything went smoothly (at least in my mind) though I didn’t remember leaving the place at all.

    The next day we had brunch at my future BIL’s parents house, and they were razzing me about being drunk. I thought they were still teasing me when they started talking about all the photos that were taken at the bar (they weren’t kidding)and how the b/f had to carry me down the stairs to the car at the “end” of the night (my end of the night being approx. 10:30PM – party animal, I know).

    So now, on my fridge at home is a very drunk me (hair all across my face and everything) standing (quite lopsided) in a family group photo for all posterity. I’m sure my sis was soo proud.

  15. One night, after an evening of trash can punch, I karate kicked a door, a SOLID METAL door, spraining both my ankles and necessitating a trip to the ER. I woke up the next morning in a strange room, tried to move and instantly SCREAMED IN PAIN. Upon taking off the blankets, I saw that both my ankles were the size of cantaloupes.

    Good times.

  16. Hee! You are awesome.

    I once told a guy named Charlie, “Charlie, you are EXACTLY like my cat, except my cat spells his name differently.” Um….yeah. (The cat’s name was Charley, btw.)

  17. If only I had a *fun* drunken story to tell you. I’m far too responsible and *boring* for that. Bah. However, a friend got so wasted last week, he karate-chopped one of those newspaper stands with free stuff inside … and knocked it over … sending newspaper flying everywhere. Sweets was left to clean up as our friend stumbled down the street. 🙂

  18. I had a very drunken Saturday night, I am sure I will have stories after people remind me of them. I do think I threatened very seriously to chop off my friend’s leg cause she asked my bf to touch her leg. You see, it’s not his hand I would chop off, cause well that I need 😉

  19. Some friends were at our house last week. One of them said something about my legs. The other said she had never seen my legs. So I dropped my pants and did a pirouette for them.

  20. How awesome are you? (The correct answer is very extremely awesome!)

    I can’t think of anything embarrassing I did while drunk. That doesn’t mean I didn’t DO anything, just that I can’t remember anything. I do remember one time when I had a breathalizer in college and my blood alcohol level was .38. I woke up drunk and stayed drunk through almost the entire next day. Good thing I was in college when this all happened! I also know I get very “friendly” when I drink. With pretty much anyone. That turned out sort of embarrassing several times.

  21. Minty Nipples? Hilarious.

    Perhaps my personal low was getting so drunk at a college dive bar that I was puking behind the bar and had to be carried out over the shoulder of the most hated womanizer on campus…Then I puked down his back.

    I, of course, knew nothing of it until the next day…

    But then again I didn’t know a lot of my drunken stories until the next day…Or year. I still get a few recounted now and then that I don’t remember.

  22. once while partying at an all day and outdoor rodeo and dance I got drunk on Tequila. My friends say I left the dance with a young lady at 11 PM. I remember that but nothing afterwards.
    At 3 AM I staggered into camp wearing only one cowboy boot and the top elastic portion of my sock on the other leg.

    What happend those hours or what become of my other boot and remainder of my sock remains a mystery to this day nearly two decades later. Someday I’ll blog that story in greater detail. it is quite funny now.

  23. I can’t remember the stuff I’ve done when I’ve been drunk mainly because I’m giggling all the time. But, as my friends will tell you, I can embarrass myself just fine with or without alcohol. I’m a classy gal like that. Yeah.

  24. Hmmm…so many stories…so little time.

    How about the night I apparently jumped up on the bar and danced to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” in front of several hundred drunks. The rest of the night is a blur, but I do remember suddenly looking up at a bottle of Jack Daniels between me and the bartender (who was my ex) and making a run for the door. He promptly chased me home to make sure I was OK, tried to put me to bed, all the while with me screaming, “You can’t see me naked anymore! You’re not my boyfriend now!” Very classy.

    The next night when I went to the bar, I got a standing ovation.

  25. Um, today when I went out for a run at lunch I was on the phone while walking out of the locker room and it’s really cold in the locker room and colder when you change clothes, so I said “great, now I have to walk through the halls with the brights on.” And my manager was right behind me. I hung up on my sister and died right there. It would have been better if I were drunk.

  26. Gah! Excellent!

    Hmmm… one of the stupidest drunk moments? Hmmm …Which one do I choose? The time I stood on top of a bar stool and started howling? Or do I choose when I got up on the dance floor and started to dance like: walk like an Egyptian? Tuh, I’m a fool!

  27. Thank you so much for sharing this (and inspiring others to share as well). I’ve got too many stories…way too many. I’m with 180/360- lets get drunk together some day and the stories will spill out, I’m sure!!!

    Minty Nipples! Hilarious!!!

  28. I may or may not have got strep throat this last weekend from a man who is so young he barely remembers “Full House”.

    I’m still not okay.

  29. Drunk stories. Hmmm. I’m not even sure which one to share. It’s a tie between the behavior at two separate parties:

    1. The one in the early nineties when I fell between the toilet and the wall at my friend’s parents house when attempting to sit down to pee and couldn’t get up due to the positioning of my overalls
    2. The one just a year ago when I ran around my friend’s house spanking everyone with a spatula, eating a piece of chicken that I pierced with a popsicle stick while laughing to myself like a maniac about Chicken on a Stick, with the grand finale of taking some dude’s t-shirt off because he looked like he had nice pecs. (For the record, he did. My friends verified it because I couldn’t remember).

  30. I have a good one for you. Drunk (the other night in fact) in the grocery store, looking for some random item I don’t even know what now. I stand there, hear Moby on the overhead speakers. I shout out, “HEY! It’s not surround sound! It’s like EVERYWHERE sound!” Yes this really happened. Notice how I am admitting it on your blog and not my own?

  31. I got completely plowed and told a VERY PLATONIC friend, “If you were only a hobbit, I would TOTALLY sleep with you!”

    Don’t ask me what the hobbit thing had to do with ANYTHING. (He wondered the same thing).

    Still have not lived it down.

  32. I am lame and boring now.


    I once approached a VERY handsome (African-Canadian) man and suggested that he probably found me attractive due to my curly hair. Because don’t ALL dark dudes like curly hair?

    Apparently not.

  33. You are HILARIOUS. Minty nipples. Snort.

    One night, during the Catastrophic Breakup, my ex said something mean and I retaliated by throwing an ENTIRE 1/2 pound container of sesame seeds at him. This backfired horribly when I found myself still cleaning up sesame seeds… uh… now. Two and a half years later.

  34. i once told my (step)uncle he was a “pussy” who complained all the time , “mr.-fussy-pants” and i left the party (new year’s eve, in canada) in below zero weather to “walk” home in the pitch dark.

    i wasn’t wearing shoes or a coat.

    need i say it, i hate the cold weather? i don’t remember a step of the way! and that’s just one of many, many, MANY stories.


  35. Geez drunk stories? How long have you got? We’re talking the Queen of Chardonnay drinkers here ;o)
    Hmm ok I’ve snogged a gay bloke in a unisex toilet, thrown up in a flower pot, passed out on the bathroom floor (was found curled around the loo the following morning), had a threesome (2 guys and me woohoo), ok enough enough!! Ok, that wasn’t all on the same night!

  36. lol!! That was funny!!
    I’m a control freak and that’s filtered down to my drinking habits. Being Drunk to me means loss of control of my mind and body. Therefore I’ve never been drunk in my entire life.
    One of these days though.

  37. my 21st birthday is probably the best one. i was so drunk i actually threw up ON THE BAR. luckily my friend knew the bartender so he didn’t kick us out. The same friend had to carry me to the bathroom and the good friend I am, I left handprints (yeah gross) on his shirt. I will never live this night down.

  38. You mean the time my husband drove me home from the bar upside down in the pickup and then proceeded to tell the couple that were babysitting that I hadn’t come home? Yeah. Good times.

    I don’t remember it at all. To this day. Thank god.

  39. Minty nipples sound refreshing to me! Certainly a lot better than the cabbage that new mothers sometimes put in their bras.

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