It’s not like it’s a revelation but yesterday, while attending the “Opening to Your Calling” workshop, I realized that for months I have been working pretty much non-stop. Both of my jobs require me to manage people and so much of my time is taken up doing just that, it is no wonder I have about 5 minutes a day to focus on me. This is the first thing that must change.
I’m tired of feeling like an empty well. I’m giving so much to my jobs that I’m at the point where I am just shutting down on the people who matter the most to me. Including myself. I haven’t been exercising or eating particularly well or reading for more than 5 minutes before I fall asleep. I’m checked out. I’m unenthusiastic about the tasks before me. I’m buried in overwhelm. I don’t want to live like this.
I’m at a place in my life where I don’t want my career/my job(s) to take center stage. I want to find fulfillment in what I do but I don’t want it to own me. I want time to sit still. I want time to be. I want time to explore. My jobs do not come first and yet, lately, I’ve felt like they own me. I really want to strengthen my boundaries and learn to prioritize what is most important to me- self-care, time with loved ones, some peace- with what is required of me. I don’t regret taking the apartment manager gig it’s just that I didn’t realize that in doing the job well, it would be so constant. It’s just not in my nature to sit on my ass when I know that there are things that need to be done. I’ve started mapping out a schedule for the apartment maintenance and I’ve made a firm commitment internally to not answer every call that comes in, especially when I am at work. I can call them back on a break or when I get home. Not everything it is an emergency.
I’ve been trying to look at too many things at once. From now on, it’s one thing at a time. It’s either that, or my sanity. And frankly, what little I have left I’d rather hold onto.
“Well we dig our heels in/And wonder who’s gonna win/Who is gonna win it or wear it out/I change the lock on the door/Or learn how to take a little more/I can outrun all of the devils there/But never the doubt/Try not to throw all your money into 20/20 vision/For the world won’t wait on politics or indecision/Oh baby don’t you know that the/Time will do the talking/Years will do the walking/I’ll just find a comfy spot and wait it out/Time will do the talking/Years will do the walking/Time will tell you baby what you can’t hear now. . .” -Time Will Do the Talking, Patty Griffin