The other day I had an internal spaz out. They are different every time but the theme is always the same. I am ugly and I suck. It went a little something like this:
Why does my hair look like shit? My grays are back in full force. I look old. I have a blemish right where my glasses sit on my nose. Awesome. It’ll just keep getting worse because it is so fucking hot that the sweat from my glasses will continually rub into my pores making it flare up repeatedly. I am 35 years old and I am still getting zits. This is bullshit. My hair won’t cooperate. Should I pull it back off my forehead? No cuz then the grays show more. And my big forehead. Thanks for the ginormous forehead, Dad. The red in my hair is now an ugly orange. I hope Streets can color my hair soon. This is embarrassing. How can I leave the house looking like this? My eyebrows are crooked. Ugh.
(Staring into the mirror.) What can I wear that won’t make me look too fat but won’t show too much skin? Why is it so fucking hot? I am sweating and I am not even dressed yet. This sucks. I could wear this skirt with this shirt but I don’t like how the sleeves make my arms look. I am too fat. I can’t wear a tank top. Every year when it gets hot I remember how I said I was going to lose weight so I could wear a tank top and every year, I am still fat and can’t get away with wearing skimpy clothes. I hate heat. I hate sweating. I hate fat.
*Change outfits 6 times*
Field texts from boyfriend who is on his way over. Freak out because I am not dressed and clearly mentally unprepared to deal with anyone, let alone myself. Call him, am short with him because I am not in a good head space (duh), hang up postponing plans. Feel like an incredible asshole because I am unaccustomed to having someone witness my spazzing. I am well aware of my ability to downward spiral at a moment’s notice. I am so acutely aware of it that I think I have often pushed many men away from getting deeper involved with me on the off-chance that I would have a freak out and they would actually have to see me like that. I have dated a lot but having someone actually that close to me that I refer to them as my boyfriend and they see me in that horrible dark place? Few and far between.
I am very guarded in this way. For all my openness, this part of me is hard to explain and even harder to let someone see. And for all my positivity, all my sunshine and roses. . . in the garden of my mind, there are many, many weeds.