Inside My Head: Freak Show

The other day I had an internal spaz out. They are different every time but the theme is always the same. I am ugly and I suck. It went a little something like this:

Why does my hair look like shit? My grays are back in full force. I look old. I have a blemish right where my glasses sit on my nose. Awesome. It’ll just keep getting worse because it is so fucking hot that the sweat from my glasses will continually rub into my pores making it flare up repeatedly. I am 35 years old and I am still getting zits. This is bullshit. My hair won’t cooperate. Should I pull it back off my forehead? No cuz then the grays show more. And my big forehead. Thanks for the ginormous forehead, Dad. The red in my hair is now an ugly orange. I hope Streets can color my hair soon. This is embarrassing. How can I leave the house looking like this? My eyebrows are crooked. Ugh.

(Staring into the mirror.) What can I wear that won’t make me look too fat but won’t show too much skin? Why is it so fucking hot? I am sweating and I am not even dressed yet. This sucks. I could wear this skirt with this shirt but I don’t like how the sleeves make my arms look. I am too fat. I can’t wear a tank top. Every year when it gets hot I remember how I said I was going to lose weight so I could wear a tank top and every year, I am still fat and can’t get away with wearing skimpy clothes. I hate heat. I hate sweating. I hate fat.

*Change outfits 6 times*

Field texts from boyfriend who is on his way over. Freak out because I am not dressed and clearly mentally unprepared to deal with anyone, let alone myself. Call him, am short with him because I am not in a good head space (duh), hang up postponing plans. Feel like an incredible asshole because I am unaccustomed to having someone witness my spazzing. I am well aware of my ability to downward spiral at a moment’s notice. I am so acutely aware of it that I think I have often pushed many men away from getting deeper involved with me on the off-chance that I would have a freak out and they would actually have to see me like that. I have dated a lot but having someone actually that close to me that I refer to them as my boyfriend and they see me in that horrible dark place? Few and far between.

I am very guarded in this way. For all my openness, this part of me is hard to explain and even harder to let someone see. And for all my positivity, all my sunshine and roses. . . in the garden of my mind, there are many, many weeds.

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62 thoughts on “Inside My Head: Freak Show

  1. E has witnessed many episodes of my spazzing and he STILL wanted to marry me. He’s a keeper.

    I have had those kind of episodes. I just wear my cutest outfit – even if I just wore it the day before (yes I have), put on sexy shoes, take a shot of something strong (if situation allows) and head out the door.

  2. You know what, if he is witness to your spazzing (and believe me, spazzing is a-ok cause we all need to spazz) and keeps sticking around, he’s a keeper because he loves you for you. I have gone bonkers many a time over the phone and right in front of M and he’s stayed with me thus far. I’ve asked him, “why do you stay around when you know I’m capable of being insane sometimes?” And you know what he says, “because I love you.”

  3. Oh honey, I know that nothing I say will make any difference. This line “And for all my positivity, all my sunshine and roses. . . in the garden of my mind, there are many, many weeds.” touched such a nerve with me though – I know *exactly* what you mean.
    PS The Fella loves you…you know that…warts and all ;o)

  4. Are you in my head, too?

    My husband was the first guy I ever let into my inner-workings, and I have to say, its pretty nice to know I can say anything, even the crazy stuff, and know he’s going to stick around. I think the Fella is probably up for it, too. At least you should give him the chance to decide for himself whether he can handle it. Because he knows what we all know…you are totally worth it!

  5. Just so you know…there exists a host of “weeds” which many consider their most-loved perennials. Part and parcel of more than one extraordinary garden…

  6. So that inner conversation is a spazz out. I never knew what to call it as I’ve had it many a times. My hub deals with it by waiting for me and when I finally come out of the bedroom and ask “Does this look even the least bit ‘not disgusting’?” he answers, “You look great to me.” It’s then I remember I don’t have to impress anyone but him. I know how you feel. It would be nice to feel comfortable in my own skin some day.

  7. trust me, you aren’t the only one who spazzes out on occasion. and yes, it will turn men away. but hell, when there’s a guy there that knows you spaz and STAYS, he’s a KEEPER πŸ™‚

    and the green shoes? clearance rack at macy’s. $20. πŸ™‚

  8. Has The Fella spazzed with you there? If not, the two of you need to decide who’s going to spazz first.

    Because, come on, Sizz, you ARE human, with flaws and everything. Yeah, I know. I didn’t want to believe it either, but there you are … zits, orange hair, and all the rest of it … and who knows you may even drool while you sleep too!

    And guess what? It’s okay. It’s okay to be exactly who you are … it’s NOT okay to put on a fake outer persona and be all Stepford-like.

    And another guess what? Dontcha think The Fella already KNOWS you spazz? How could he you ask?

    Because he’s realistic. He’s practical. He KNOWS things. He’s dated OTHER PEOPLE before you.

    I know. I was shocked too.

    Stop it.

    Just stop it.

    See?

    Dontcha feel better now?

  9. I know exactly what you mean Sizz.

    You just need to convince yourself that the Fella loves ALL parts of you (mentally/physically). You can’t just people (especially the fella) ONLY your good side. It’s ok to let people know you have flaws. hell…you tell us about your spazz attacks so why can’t the fella at least be there for you. hmmmmm?

    btw…i love the last line…”in the garden of my mind, there are many, many weeds.” Very poetic.

    =)

  10. Oh man, I have been trying to write almost this exact same post today!!! Last night I had a little mini-meltdown about gravy. GRAVY.

    Sheesh.

  11. Wait… were you inside your head or mine? Because that’s very similar to the internal dialogue I had over my recent photo shoot.

    Except that I called all my friends and vented to them as well. And their advice? Deep breath, and let it go. It was good advice (and seemed even better after my second glass of wine). πŸ™‚

  12. I read your blog everyday. But I have to say, frankly, that even though you beat yourself up about weight- I don’t read much about you taking care of yourself physically. Meaning working out, getting exercise. If you stayed away from the cupcake shop, maybe the arms will look better to you someday. Just a thought. Carry on….

  13. Once again you have said what I cannot. My meltdowns and spazzouts are so unnecessary…the next day I realize this, but at the time, it’s the biggest deal ever. And my husband sees me in that state and he does not run. He’s got this Midwestern patience gene that keeps him around I guess.

    I think the boys don’t mind the freakouts so much because it gives them a chance to take care of us.

    Also, I think dandelions are weeds. And they’re pretty cool, so weeds aren’t always bad.

  14. I got a ginormous forehead from my dad too!

    I also think I’ve said each and every other thing you said to yourself to MYself, except maybe the gray hair. I got lucky there πŸ˜‰

    Um, and I HATE when people tell you “to just exercise” or “to just stop eating cupcakes”..it’s NOT THAT EASY. Plus, even the most supermodel of people have these internal conversations.

  15. Dude. I so hear you. Believe me.

    But believe it or not, being aware of it is the first step to getting over it. Now you’re observing the behavior and going, “Hey, that’s not quite right.” So good job on that – it’s a huge step.

    I’m not going to psychoanalyze or whatever, because hey, I don’t know you but from what I read on your blog, but in my own similar experiences, this stuff tends to be symptomatic of younger traumas that haven’t been healed (the definition of trauma varying, obvs.) And once you heal that, the weeds are so much easier to deal with.

  16. Remember how very great you are…and maybe it’s time you let The Fella be the weed whacker of your mind.

    Holy Hell, I hope that made sense to you.

  17. I think the hot weather makes everyone crazy, makes you feel like nothing fits, and you just feel generally crappy. It’s cooling down here, hope it is there as well.

  18. I think all women have these moments from time to time, no matter what we look like. I guess the trick is just learning to weed out the bad stuff, huh?

  19. Do this (or at least think about it) – go up to someone and look at them as closely as you look at yourself in the mirror. Inspect their face and scrutinize as you would your own. Spend just as much time.

    Point being, no one (NO ONE) looks good under the kind of scrutiny we put ourselves through on a daily basis, kiddo.

  20. I think all women have these moments from time to time, no matter what we look like. I guess the trick is just learning to weed out the bad stuff, huh?

    (For the record, I think you look adorable in all your photos!)

  21. It’s so hard to let someone see you like that. Even after I married my husband I would totally resist it and he’d keep at me. He’d be all, just tell me and I’d respond that he wouldn’t understand. Eventually this little dance would end with me in tears and him hugging me while I was trying to get free because I wasn’t worthy of love. Now? 7 years later – I just tell him and let him hug me. But, getting there took time. Lots of time.

  22. I understand. I really do. I think most women have had that same monologue in their head. My mother comforts me by saying these spazz attacks become less and less frequent as we get older. I hope she’s right.

    And for the record…I think you are beautiful, brilliant and I always look forward to reading your blog πŸ™‚

  23. Whats with women and their foreheads. My wee woo is the same way. Usually I just bite her lip until she shuts up, but….. it usually is just a temporary solution.

  24. Dude, in much the same frame of mind have I torn up my closet and dumped out my drawers.

    And CJ? You know not of what you speak. If you can’t be helpful, you should shut the fuck up. I can help you with that if necessary.

  25. Go back and read The Man I Love post….that is what people who know you see…..you are your own kind of perfection.

    Your weeds are what make you the person that they love.

  26. I have this same sort of freak out thing all the time inside my head. Like almost the same exact words. For some reason, I will never be “good enough” to avoid them no matter what I do. I have no idea what you do about it, but I do know that knowing someone else does this makes me sad!

    Know what else makes me sad? When someone (you) writes a post letting everyone in to their thoughts and someone shits on them (above) and tells them exactly what the voice inside their head is trying to get them to believe. You are good enough, you are beautiful, and I am sorry someone thought it would be helpful to validate the yucky thoughts in your head that did not deserve to be validated.

  27. Oh, I hate those days! I hate those days soooo much!!! Those are the days I start talking to myself OUT LOUD!

    But, don’t worry about those weeds. Because we all have those weeds. With out weeds, how can we distinguish the flowers?

    πŸ™‚

  28. ah, man, this is so familiar to me. Especially the part about finally letting someone close enough to you to see this darkness. I’ve been married less than a year now, having finally let someone close enough, and I still struggle with it. I was sitting in my bedroom just now struggling with it.

  29. I can so, so relate. Eventually you will spazz in front of your boyfriend, and he’ll be okay with it, and that’ll show you how great he is.

  30. You know, if we wanted an inspirational story of a woman who felt down on herself and so got a trainer, a gym membership and quit the cupcakes, we’d watch OPRAH. When we want to relate and giggle a little about chocolate chocolate cupcake cupcake with a nice slice of self-deprecation, well, that’s why we love you, dude. Maybe CJ mistook you for the Messiah. Or something.

  31. Sizz, don’t let CJ get to you, what a nasty comment(er). I hope they are smothered to death, Collier Brothers style, by cupcakes.

  32. Welcome to every day of my life.

    I, however, still wear tank tops. Who cares if you have flabby arms?!?!?! I mean, Britney Spears showed her you-know-what to the world and there is NO way arm flab is worse than that. Seriously.

  33. P.S. I usually get here so late that I never read the other comments, but I have to say I ran into I think it was Michael’s about letting the Fella be your weed wacker? He’s spot on. Excellent advice.

  34. I don’t know what that cupcake BS is about, but… whatever. Issues.

    My personal theory on dieting is a little different: throw away your scale, eat for health and taste, don’t deny yourself (denial is for the crazee-making), and cut yourself a little slack. It’s helped me stay comfortable in my clothes for the last 5 years (excepting while I was pregnant).

    These kind of days still come, but they don’t hit quite so hard, and I recover much more quickly.

    I’ll save up my hugs and hope to give you one big one at Blogher, okay?

  35. I vote for Tracy taking CJ out with the spoons.

    Still loving the monsters! I know exactly what you mean… I banned panty fucking hose from my life, long before people stopped wearing them. It makes me sad to think how many people have witnessed my freak outs of this nature.

  36. You’re not alone. Only mine are out loud. Hence the name of my blog.

    When I have these – like last night on the phone with Rhino? He justs waits patiently, quietly for me to come full circle. He says these moments are endearing. I say his medication is too strong.

  37. I’m 47 and still get zits and always get the blemish where my glasses meet my nose.

    (I know this doesn’t help you … I’m going for a “misery loves company” sort of thing.)

  38. Sizzle, you gorgeous thing….I have complete days where I swear everyone is looking at me and judging me for what I chose to wear/do that day…honey…I could have writen your post (almost) verbatum…if you ever come to Kansas City, we’re automatically BFF’s 4-EVAH-ERRRR! I think I’ve had one of you’re days about a week ago. It’s cool….AND SO ARE YOU!!!!!!! Keep up the Brave Blogging…I’m (almost) ready to join you!

  39. Sizz,
    we are all there some of the time. we all have the ugly fat crazy days, but that’s who we are and the people that continue to love us despite the crazies are the ones we are supposed to be with.
    CJ- eat a cupcake, perhaps it will make you a happier person.

  40. We all have bad days. Some more than others. You, my dear, are beautiful and so deserving of all the attention and love The Fella is willing to give. And maybe I can make you laugh a little with this visual. Picture me walking into the bathroom to see Sweets with his nose in the mirror. He’s so close I can’t tell what he’s doing. So, I inquire. And he says? I’m trying to get rid of this tumor on my head. Adult acne sucks. Both Sweets and I will commiserate with you on that one.

  41. I hate those days. I seem to be having more of them lately and after my mini-meltdowns (which boyfriend often bears the brunt of) I ask him, “why are you with me when i’m so crazy?”
    “Because i love you” is always the response.

    The Fella is the same way, I’m sure.
    Boys are so great sometimes.<3

  42. I know exactly what you mean sizzle. I have the some of the same self dialogue with myself. My husband hates it if I voice it! I’m sure he’s so sick of me not wanting to wear this and this cause of my weight. He kind of comes from the school of ‘just do it’ meaning just lose the weight already, ha. If only it were that easy.

    Hey, are you going to Daveattle on the June 21st in seattle? I was thinking of coming up for that as would like to meet you all. Of course, I’m not a big blogger and all and somewhat nervous about meeting people from the online world but could be fun.

  43. God, I’ve missed reading you!!

    I completely know what you mean. I have only had one boyfriend that has seen me freak out, and it made HIM freak out.

    I tend to be a bit more guarded now too.

    But you know, I think you being spazzy might actually be kinda cute.

  44. The partnership of wrinkles and pimples is my arch nemesis. Those two should not be able to coexist (nor should grey hairs and pimples). So so wrong. And completely deserving of a spaz out.

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