What Is The What

It’s probably not a good sign that all I’ve really felt like doing lately is sleeping or being drunk.

And here I thought I wouldn’t turn into my Dad for at least ten more years.

I’m 87% sure I am depressed but 98% sure I will be fine. Eventually. Sometimes when I come here to this blank page, I sit staring at the blinking cursor thinking, “Do I say what’s really going on or do I post another amusing anecdote about my tenants.” I’ve been avoiding the truth. Not just here but everywhere in my life.

There are things happening. . . things that are not mine so I won’t discuss them here but they effect me. . . things that have made me so incredibly sad, so utterly floored, so entirely confused that I’ve been at a loss for words. And so, I stopped talking. Because every time I started to open up about what’s weighing on me, I’d start crying.

It happened over lunch with my Mom during her visit. It happened over the weekend with the Fella. I finally saw how sad I was making him by not letting him in. This would not be the first time I have built a barricade around my heart and pushed someone away. I have long suffered from what I call “premature evacuation.” I get out before the worst hits. I put up a front saying, “whatever” or “it doesn’t matter” when really it matters so much. It probably feels like the most important thing to me but I’ll deny it. Because I’ve always thought walking away first had dignity. Now I know that that was just my pride talking. And all my old wounds I was still licking.

I have a history of leaving the good guys before they can leave me because, who am I kidding, I don’t feel worthy of them. I have convinced myself that this is fact. I’ve clutched this truth like a lifeline and you know what? It’s not saving me. I’m heading right for a self-fulfilling prophecy. A big ol’ “I told you so.”

I’ve just felt so shaken to my core. I’m questioning so much of what I formerly believed as truth that I don’t know what to do next. I know this though: I’m tired of believing I am not enough to be loved. I might not have any control over anything else but that, that I can grab a hold of. That I can mold. That is changeable.



81 thoughts on “What Is The What

  1. I’m praying for you. That may sound trite or whatever, but it can do so much and is from the heart.

    I’m 100% sure you’ll not only be fine, but GREAT.

  2. Oh Sizzle, I have been there so many times, so I know exactly where you are. You are right, you only have control over you and how you feel about yourself. Loving yourself is so important, and it is so hard for most of us to do. I also know how you want to tell us all what is happening, but can’t, I feel that way on my blog too. When other people are involved you have to keep them private.
    Sending a big hug and wishing you the best.

  3. As a new blogger, I’ve followed the debate about what to post. It seems to me that if something affects you, doesn’t that make it yours?

    On a personal note, please pay attention to what your body and your heart are trying to tell you. You and I have the same genetic predispositions and unfortunately, have to be on the lookout for indicators that other people don’t. (hope that wasn’t too personal)

  4. We all love you sizzle. I wish you were my neighbor, and I could see your beautiful smile each day.

    Last year, my BiL went through a divorce, and it made ME feel so awful, I was in the worst slump forever. Sometimes, you just need to be sad for awhile and let it out…

  5. Sizz – You so deserve a good guy (which the Fella is) and you are worthy of love! I’m sorry about the other things sucking, but let The Fella comfort you. I’m going to walk over there and smack you… you are so adorable, easy to talk to, warm… FABULOUS! I wish I could help.

  6. that is utterly within your control. and i don’t doubt that you’ll see it at some point. that you know you’ll be okay is a great sign. that doesn’t make the lows any easier to handle, but it means there’s hope and with that, anything is possible. and now if you’ll excuse me, i think i hear hallmark calling. they want some of their platitudes back. šŸ˜€ seriously, as someone already said, things like these sound trite but i think that’s because we all know them and are used to hearing them and saying them. it’s the truly believing them that’s hard at times.

    you’re beautiful and lovely and totally worth being loved by a fantastic person. i know this to be true.

  7. good for you for recognizing you are worth being loved. and it seems that Fella is doing a good job of it. just like AA, or OA… one day at a time. and don’t be afraid to ask for help.


  8. You just described what I have been wrestling with for the past couple of months. It colors everything I do, think, feel. I am functioning but none of this is fair to my husband. But I just don’t know how to deal with this except to turn inward, which is probably the worst thing I can do. Hang in there. If I were there, I would drag you out for a drink. Or twelve.

  9. Oh, Sizzle, you are more than worthy.

    I know for one as caring as you its hard not to take the world’s worries on your shoulders, but you need to take care of yourself, too. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those that love you…we all need help sometimes! I’ll be thinking of you, and hoping that whatever is going on will get easier.

  10. You can FULLY feel better. There are so many avenues to take when dealing with depression. It took me a long time to get help, but it made a world for difference. Now I am in the position of loving someone who is just beginning to deal with his depression. Bit by bit, he’s getting better too. It’s a joy, and a relief, to see.

  11. While I don’t totally understand what is going on- I’d like to think that “self-fulfilling prophecy” can go both ways. I hope that instead of focusing on an impending failure you can focus on a happy future. Your past is behind you, Sizz. You can do and be whatever you choose from here on out. You deserve love and happiness and all good things. I’m sending you some strength to accept that power that is deep within your soul.

    *Geez! I sound like a crazed motivational guru. But I mean it! Let go of the past. It will only hold you back from greater things.*

  12. Sizzle *hugs*. You are worth it. Keep letting him in even when you don’t want to. Tell the Fella when you are feeling good that you need him to help you not let him shut him out. I don’t know if that helps but it helped me. You are worth it and you deserve it.

  13. I don’t see how any of you emo bloggers put real emotions out there. I don’t think I could open myself up that much, especially for the world to see. It seems to work for you , though, so keep it up!

  14. I know that it is easy to say that the past is behind you. It’s just that so much of how we see the world is seen through the lens of the past.

    If you’ve been reading my stuff of late, then I know that you must realize that in many ways I am in the same place emotionally. I have been here before and I know that I can get past it. But now without more therapy. One of the lessons I learned long ago is that there are some things that one should not do alone.

  15. Yes, I believe it is a changeable thing. But, a very difficult thing. For me and maybe for you it has to do with growing up with a parent that maybe was critical, that was drunk 1/2 the time and wasn’t so nice to us. (speaking of me as I don’t know what it was for you) It messed with my self esteem and though I found a way to be loved I still fight the ‘do I deserved to be loved’ and ‘how could he love me, warts and all’ and have come close to destroying it. There is hope Sizzle and you acknowledging it and working on it is a great step. I’m trying the therapy route for other issues but it’s funny that this self esteem/tied to my dad is coming up again. Hugs to you sizzle! Don’t let that fella out of your life, he’s a keeper!

  16. Honestly don’t know what to say except that I think we are sisters or something, maybe even the same person. I swear I come here and you have posted something that echos my feelings or mirrors my life in ways.

    Though, yes you read my blog today. I am happy right now. I haven’t felt this good in so long and I think it is in part to the medically induced happiness but I truly think I have a great guy, great kids, great dog, etc…. that have finally fallen in place and I ACTUALLY feel worthy of it all.

    That hasn’t been my pattern or my past but I am just going to accept the goodness and if it would help, I will try to get a picture of my dog smiling! It truly will make even the saddest person smile.

  17. Hmm. Write it all down, not to post, but to get it out of your head. Sometimes that’s enough. If it isn’t, it may help you better articulate what you’re going through/feeling to someone you’re willing to let in.

  18. Oh dear. I don’t know what to say, except that I have been in the same situation. Thinking I’m not deserving of something good. But you ARE, Sizz. Especially if you have wounds. It’s hard to accept that you are good enough to have the things that you want and that someone special wants to give you. It’s easy to say, “Sit back and enjoy it!” What matters most is your happiness. And I know, just from what I read here, that The Fella makes you happy.

    For someone who didn’t know what to say, I sure have verbal (or written, I guess) diarrhea.


  19. Sending you a big huge hug from Sammamish.

    I don’t know you in real life, but I can tell through your words that you are SO real. You’ve got strength, and you’ve got grace – you’re a frickin’ firecracker and I hope you know what a spark you put in your reader’s day. Whether I’m reading an amusing post, a mellow post, a sad post or a fun post, what you give is honesty, sassiness, and inspiration. I find it’s rare to find those qualities in a person these days…and, damn girl, you’ve got them (and so much more)!!

    Stay strong, Sizzle.

  20. Again with the honest blogging. Wow, I must try harder šŸ˜‰ I just want you to know that you’re not alone with sudden bouts of sadness. I just don’t blog my feelings that often. But suffice to say, I know the feeling. Oh, do I.

  21. Yes you can. I’ve been there and I’m sorry that your feeling this way. Just remember, you are responsible for your own happiness. No one else. It all starts from within. I hope you soon realize that you are worth the peace of mind and contentment that comes with loving yourself first.

  22. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Sizz. You are such a great gal. Just look at all the people you have supporting you. I almost didn’t write, thinking “what can I possibly add to all these supporting and great comments she already has?” You are obviously great if you have so many people who care and are willing to be there for you, try not to push them away. I know it’s easier said than done, I do it too, but like Dagny said, there are things that were never meant for us to go through alone. Lots of hugs!

  23. i thought the same as jen — what more can i add? so i’ll just throw in some hugs and wish you all the luck in finding some inner peace through this tough time.

    and if you find a way to make yourself feel worthy of being loved (god that sounds so melodramatic but you know what i mean…) then let me know cos i still have trouble and i know it kills my boy to hear/see it.

  24. I am sorry you are going through rough times. I can imagine how awful things must feel.

    You are definitely worth loving, but it doesn’t really matter what I think, it matters what you think!

    I’m here for you if you want to talk, otherwise I will just think good thoughts for you and hope whatever it is gets better soon.

    I push people away too, and am now struggling to save my marriage because when I had cancer I didn’t feel like I got what I needed from my husband. I pushed him away and didn’t tell him what I needed, so I can’t fault him for it, but I still do. Life is hard enough with support people. You and I need to both remember that the people in our lives want to be there for us and they can’t do that if we won’t let them!

  25. Not having control over things has put me in one baaaaaaaaaad mood. Like perpetually mad to the point where on Sunday I was thisclose to saying eff it to San Francisco this summer. Which in the grand scheme of things isn’t that bad but I think one of the first signs of some really f*cked up mood is giving up things you are interested in. Anyway! This is all just to say that I am right there with you, my friend.

  26. Sister Sue! I understand escaping. Lord knows I’ve done a whole bunch of it myself. You have to do what you think is right and yes, it’s your decision to be made. The sweetest comment was from the fella, “hug.” This should tell you something. Even in rough times, the fella is there for you. I’d let him in.

  27. Most definitely changeable. And you are FOR SURE so lovable! I’ve never met you face to face, but just from reading your blog it’s so easy to tell you are a loving and caring human being. Why wouldn’t anyone want to love you is the question you should be asking yourself. And yes, you ARE worthy of a good guy’s love. If he adores you and loves you to your very core (which it appears he does), then he sees what we all see: a wonderful, smart, beautiful, hilarious and fantabulous young lady. Don’t think or let anyone tell you otherwise!

  28. you ARE worth it. but i understand why you put up the walls. we all do to an extent. but know that no matter what you’ve been thru in your life, you deserve to be happy and with someone who treats you right.

  29. I’m 100% sure that you’ll be 100% ok Sizz. You’re just going through a rough patch and this will pass. Just hang on to the good things like the people that love you. They will always be there for you. Open your heart and let them in. You will find that it’s easier to let go of hurts instead of hanging on to them. Ask yourself…is this how you want to live.

    Ok…off my soap box now.

    Smile for ya!


  30. I think people have said two important things – YOU DO DESERVE IT – don’t let it become an self-fulfilling prophecy. Also write it down and get it out of your head.

    But what was not said (and I know I could be off base here) – getting into some therapy? Just to make things straight again. Reading your twitter updates – you can tell you are in a serious funk and I know we don’t get the full story. There is nothing wrong with making changes and getting help. Even if it is just to get a change in perspective.

    Thinking positive good thoughts for you!

  31. I have nothing worthy to add, just a simple I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Always holding back the tears is no place to be.

    I hope things are brighter soon.

  32. I can only say it this way. I’ve been there, done that… probably 1000x more than you have (just ’cause I’m older). One thing I’ve learned is you have to let someone in to share it with. Be it your mom, or the Fella. Even tho’ it isn’t your burden, you are taking it on and that makes it partially yours and yours to share. No, not with all of us or the world, but with one person that you trust. From here, it would look like the Fella is the perfect one to let in… but that is something you know better than us. Trust me, tho’. That is a key thing, really. That, I honestly believe, is one of the keys that your dad and my dad and mom could never get. They kept it all inside and it ate away at them and the alcohol was the only thing they could think of to solve the problem… and we all know how well that turned out for them, don’t we?

    Okay… sorry this is so long. You know we love you. Change can happen. You have made huge positive changes just in the past year! Don’t stop now. ***hugs***

  33. OMG. I know how you feel with every dot on every i. I know we had spoke about this before and how hard it is to recognize those old patterns. How I, to this day still hang on to that glimmer of hope and to realize why I had created that barrier in the first place. A single pattern of not allowing the love you deserve. When in reality, the love you deserve it greater than you know. And it sucks because when one is so use to feeling one way, it is easy to label all relationships and situations as the “failed hope.”

    BUT, what I am trying to learn is that it is NOT all the same. I am guilty of lacking trust, because my walls had been built terribly high at such a tender age. I’m still trying to break them down, but break them down to the “right” people, like my M (who gives me nothing but love). And keeping them invisible for others, like my dad (who still breaks my heart.) That sucks so much!

    I heart you. I am sorry for rambling on. Readings this has moved me, for I am one that feels a similar sting. XOXO!

  34. I hope things get better for you and those you love that are hurting :-/ And yeah, opening up to those who care about you and letting go of past “premature evacuation” procedures is the best. You’ll see. If you let yourself see.

  35. Right.

    And not just because you know it, but because you’ve already proved it. For all the challenges up ahead, don’t forget how far you’ve come.

  36. Big hug. It sounds trite, but this too shall pass; try not to be completely consumed by it. There are always things that happen beyond our control or understanding…it will get better; hang in there!

  37. I think we both can blame some of our feelings on our father’s lack of being a father.

    It’s a lonely place, but I’ve been there sister. Sometimes, I am always there in short stints.

  38. Sizzle just be you! You’re allowed to be sad, you’re allowed to scream and shout and stamp your feet. It’s okay! Those that love you will always be there, that’s what love is all about.
    I wish I could give you a great big hug and tell you everything will be okay.

  39. I want to smother you in internet hugs (and the first time I typed it, it came out “internut”, which I kind of like, and maybe we should start inserting that into every day conversation?)! We all love you whether you’re telling us stories about tenants, or revealing some deep down issues. Be you, you’re fabulous, and it’s ok to feel icky once in a while.

  40. Siz, you ARE absoultely right!

    Hang in there! Eventually the self-doubt or saddness will leave. Just remember that there is a DAMN GOOD reason why people want to be around you and want to read your thoughts and about your life and why they think so much of you (present commenting company included). I wish you the very best through all of this. Ok?

  41. i know what it’s like to be afraid to let your guard down – you don’t want people to see the sad/angry/confused side of yourself, esp. the ones that are closest to you… is it a fear of looking weak? or that they will run the other direction? neither are true – it just shows that you ARE HUMAN… we are NOT PERFECT and life is not perfect either… open your heart to him/her and you’ll see that he’s/she’s still there because he/she LOVES YOU… give it a shot… :o)

  42. You can totally change those feelings. You are loved! You are wanted! Don’t ever forget that.

    My mom always ends her notes or letters to me and my sister with this phase so I will leave you with it too. It’s easy to forget so don’t.

    Remember you are loved.

  43. most all of what i want to say to you has already been said by the people who commented before me. “ditto” is kind of lame, but it’s the truth.

    sending out many positive vibes your way. hang in there lady, you can get through this.

  44. Oh how I’ve felt similar at times. You can change and I think you have made huge progress in letting people “in” already. Huge hugs are being sent your way.

  45. It’s amazing how much the telling can help. I always forget this, I always keep everything inside, hold it tight so my insides don’t come exploding out. But really, finding some safe people and saying it out loud does something magical. I can’t explain it.

    I know you know this, but if you’re anything like me, knowing it doesn’t make a difference at all.

    But I’m saying it anyway.

    Good luck to you.

  46. feelings are not facts. because you can change your feelings, and you can’t change facts. 99% of my sadness and depression derives from problems of perception. Change your perspective! how? talk talk talk, talk to other women and men in your life who see something different than you do. I hope you feel better, soon! ā¤

  47. I completely relate to the guy situations. I’ve broken up with really awesome guys and settled for men who I thought were “more on my level.” And usually, they end up terrible.

    I hope your find your nook.

  48. apparently, from what I’ve read, you have to trust before you can love. sometimes trust issues are more about you being able to trust yourself. just work at it everyday, you’ll get there.

  49. You are worthy of the best most pure form of love. By recognizing and acknowledging the pattern in the first place, you are working on changing it. It’s a great first step and don’t doubt for a second you are worth it. Every single bit!

  50. UGH. I’ve been there. And, I’m halfway there right now. But, usually, when I admit how I’m feeling, things start to get better. If not that, mojitos help.

  51. I think it is only natural to learn from past hurts. Not to go all “Dr. Phil” on you, but the best predictor of the future is what we’ve experienced in the past. You know that I have a hard time dealing with that. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I have to believe that in due time there will be enough “good” built up to out-predict the “bad.”

    In the meantime, sometimes crying is a good thing. And you should feel free to lean on the rest of us out here in Blogdom. That’s why we keep coming back!

  52. Sizz, I heart you. And you’re not turning into your dad; you’re self-aware and processing and that is HARD WORK. But you’ll get through it with shining colors, like you always do — and you’ll figure out how great it is to open up. Even if it’s the hardest lesson you ever learn. xxoo

  53. Don’t ever be afraid to let others in, even if you’re scared. If they love you (and they do), they will let you be upset and will hear you out. I’ve learned the hard way that the worst thing you can do is think you can take everything on by yourself without talking it through with someone you trust. Hang in there, you’ll make it. Don’t be afraid…even if you are afraid, keep going forward anyway. Even if you go too far and have to take a few steps back, at least it’s to somewhere you’ve already been. I heart you, girl! You can do it!

  54. Sizzle, when you give yourself permission to talk about things that are bothering you, whether they are “your’s” to discuss or not, it frees you up. It takes the Power AWAY from the bad thing, and helps you feel like you’ve shaken some of the “scarey” off of it, and can deal with it more as the facts lie.

    Talking about your feelings makes them not back up on you, and overwhelm you. Don’t let yourself become a powder keg, waiting for a reason to explode. *hugs*

    We care about you, and I think you know the people in your life care especially. Take their hand, and let them be a help to you. šŸ™‚ Depression is anger, turned Inward.

  55. I could have written that post 10 years ago. I still suffer from PMS (major downer for me) but it no longer lasts 3 weeks thanks to Effexor and exercise.

    You DO deserve what you want out of life!!

    (Sorry new here thanks to Secret Agent, have no idea if you are already taking AD’s or what..)

  56. I think many women have the same problem that you have. I know I have and DO, and I’m married. You’re a great person and you deserve the best. Don’t let yourself tell yourself you don’t. You know what I mean right?

  57. oh bella. you are so lovable. so deserving of love and so, so incredibly amazing. you write, you care, you love, you empathize. You have it all girl. All in one sweet, good looking toothy package! =)

  58. Letting people in is my biggest fear. It took Rhino from Grade 10 to convince me I was the one for him. And you know what?
    I still hide in the shower and have ggod cry, I still don;t tell him what I’m hinestly thinking for fear he’ll think I’m crazy.
    Coing from a fellow “phobe”, be honest with the fella. It will help you and him. I promise.

  59. Everyone has written such profound comments that I don’t know what to say, except thank goodness for blogging. It’s like a community, where you can be more yourself, and know that you’re not mad, because other people are often going through the same kind of stuff or think similar thoughts.

  60. i’m sending you warm and fuzzy thoughts. I’m sure you’ll come out of this something good for all involved. And let me just say, you’re SO not the only one that says goodbye before it’s time. I think many of us gals do this. Which is what makes our good guys just so good…they see through it and stick!

  61. Well, the good thing is that The Fella reads your blog right? So he knows that it’s not him and since he loves you…he’ll hang in there.

    Love you sweetie!

  62. I think Sizzle has a mild case of not being entirely true to herself. This diagnosis includes shutting other people out (hey, if we don’t have to talk about it, maybe it will go away) and brushing over topics (if we don’t dig into the real issues, then I won’t expose myself; I won’t cry). If symptoms worsen, Sizzle risks losing some pretty great people who care about her deeply. Ironic, given your next post about your BFF who has gone MIA. Just because you’re present in body doesn’t make you present in the relationship. Take the risk. Let him in. He deserves to know all of you. And you deserve to be loved by him. This amazing and powerful reaction may just be the cure to your ills.

  63. Oh, honey. I don’t know what all is going on with you, but I will be thinking good thoughts and sending mental hugs your way in hopes that you feel better soon. If you ever want to vent to an almost total stranger, feel free to send me an email. I love playing armchair therapist. šŸ˜‰

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