Way To Bowl Me Over, Buddy

Meeting a significant other’s friends is, for many people, a marker in the relationship. Oftentimes it can mean you are getting “serious” about the person. For me, when I introduce someone I am dating to my friends and my family it means I am pretty interested in them. I want the people I hold dear to me to like the guy I am dating. Their approval doesn’t make or break the relationship but it colors it if you will. Because I have some very serious friendships and those people and their opinions, like my Mom’s and Dokey’s, matter. Besides, I’ve made some really questionable choices when it comes to partners in the past. (King Ick, Mr. Grass and Scoots to mention a few.)

I remember I was dating a guy about 4 years ago and the first friend of his I met was a total and complete bitch to me. I was really thrown for a loop. I kept trying to find conversation starters but was repeatedly met with a disinterested tone and a distant stare. When I mentioned this to then-boyfriend he said that’s just how she is. Um, what? You have a friend that is like that to your girlfriend? What the fuck kind of friend is that? Besides, who doesn’t like me? I am very likable God Damn It! But we later broke up and they are still friends.

Ahem.

Moving on. . . the Fella and I have been dating for over nine months now. I know, I know- Sizzle dating records are being broken left and right. Let’s not make a big deal out of it. My friends that have met him adore him and have welcomed him into the fold. My nephew knows him by name. My Mom has us married in her head. If he sits down on my couch, Dash can’t refrain from sitting in his lap. (I know how it goes, kitty. It’s hard to resist.) These are all great things. I love this man and am glad that the people who are most important to me have affection for him.

But, I have only met one friend of the Fella’s (and that’s because we paid to see the show she was in). It’s not for lack of trying but without sounding too mean, it appears his friends are rather flaky. Or possibly not very good friends. I know this is a touchy subject for my love since we’ve had numerous conversations about it. There’s some history I won’t go into but suffice it to say many of these friends were made under different circumstances and well, I’m wondering if they are better left in the past. I hate seeing him hurt by their dismissive behavior. That’s not being a friend to him! I am very protective of my loved ones and his friend’s crappy behavior has made me want to kick some ass on numerous occasions.

Fast forward to Saturday night. The Fella and I met some friends to celebrate a recent engagement (not ours, duh). We’re hanging out, tossing back some English cider and lager when he spots one of his elusive friends. He goes outside to chat with them while I confess to a couple of my girlfriends that I still have not met any of his friends. We’re waiting to see how this all plays out because I am already poised to be irritated if I am not introduced. They all stream back into the pub and go their separate ways. The Fella joins us and it’s clear he’s a bit miffed, thinking they wouldn’t have gone out of their way to say hello to him if he hadn’t made the first move. This seems typical of his relationship with this guy. Later, as the friend is leaving the bar, he stops by leaning over the couch and saying something in the Fella’s ear. The guy sort of scans the area seeing a couple of women so I stood up and extended my hand. “Hey whatsyourname, I’m Sizzle.” He responded with something like, “Oh hey. You’re. . . very sparkly.” And then he waved good-bye. Um. Ok. Sure, my retro-styled sweater had sequins around the collar but seriously, this is what he had to say to me?

I’ll admit that I purposely stood and introduced myself 40% out of manners and 60% out of spite. I don’t like being ignored. I have no idea what happened to manners but it seems too many people lack them nowadays. And frankly, this guy who is my beloved’s “friend” did not impress me one iota. In my book, the Fella deserves better than an afterthought invitation and the occasional text.

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64 thoughts on “Way To Bowl Me Over, Buddy

  1. He sounds like he has outgrown his friends. This happens in life as we all know, but brings to mind the poem A reason A season A lifetime. Maybe they were there for a reason or season and it’s time to move on.

  2. We went through something like this, only it was my friends who were the asshats – they eventually came around after my first anniversary and having Zoe. Grrr.

  3. His friends sound rather insecure and immature. Surely they have heard of MANNERS? Or not, in which case they really are not worth your time. You deserve better.

    How does man feel about his friends?

  4. I am on the same page as Vanessa. It seems the fella matured and his friends didn’t. They just aren’t on the same page.

    But it is hard to let people like that leave your life. Because even if they are shitty, you still care about them, and can’t help it!

  5. ” you are very sparkly” is never the best thing you can say. I mean, it’s fine in most conversations, but when you are FIRST meeting someone? Lame. And can I just say that I got annoyed reading this? Oy. That would definitely be a frustrating situation.

  6. Wow! Not only was he super polite, he complimented you too! These are the types of men I sooo try to date!

    By the way, found you through What Liz Said and plan on coming back for more!

  7. I like to think that we all have (or have HAD) those “friends”. I know I have. For me, they are typically people who I’ve known in the distant past and over the years I’ve grown up and settled down…and they haven’t.

    As soon as the weather turns less ugly, you guys should seriously consider crashing our back yard for a bbq. I think the Fella sounds like somebody I like.

    Oh, and Sizzle. You ARE very sparkly.

  8. I see the Fella has commented…

    It seems like the guy was either rude on purpose or just oblivious. “You’re very sparkly” sounds like something I might say when tipsy, but I am the type that would then engage the person in conversation!

    I don’t know what to say. But I think the Fella deserves better friends than that.

  9. I’m with you, he absolutely deserves better friends! Because better girlfriend? He cannot do better than you! πŸ™‚ (I loved your introduction to whatshisname!)

  10. I agree with Vanessa and everyone else, it’s probably just a growing pain thing. We’ve kind of gone through that in the past few years, because so many of our friends are friends from high school that we just don’t see eye-to-eye with anymore. And for a good, long while we just kind of pared down the “friends” group until it was mostly just us. And now we’re meeting new (and bloggy!) people and making a new batch of friends that are so much more in tune with “us” and when we see the old friends, they’re still huddled together and get kind of jealous of our “new friends” because they don’t know them. It’s weird.

    BUT the good thing for you two is that you have a good group and (hopefully) a group that he likes too, and then you can both start making friends together instead of trying to integrate dumb people from his/your past.

  11. I hate hate hate when “friends” are not actually friends.

    When I was younger I had a tendency to be a hermit, so when I was in a relationship I didn’t see my friends a lot because I went out so infrequently as it was. I figured out (eventually) that I had to make time and balance to two. But I’ve also realized that there are friends who get angry or upset that you don’t have the same amount of time and energy for them. It cuts both ways.

  12. Are his friends the kind that wish he’d stay single forever? Those are the worst kind of guy friends. In pretty much every relationship I’ve been, I’ve found that I’m more eager to introduce my friends than the guy is. I think guy friendships are just different. Very cool that the Fella sees these ones aren’t worth his time, though.

  13. Wow, your description doesn’t really describe a friend. He doesn’t sound too impressive.

    The art of introducing people we know to other people is really a lost form. I always try to introduce whoever I am with. The courtesy isn’t always repaid, but I don’t take it personally. Lots of people pretend not to know…
    πŸ˜‰

  14. Only one friend remains from Mr. Savy’s bunch when we got married. He confessed later that guys really don’t make “friends” among each other where they interact and are respectful and you would bring home to mother (or girlfriend.) He said those are rare… like one in a lifetime. The rest are jackasses.

  15. I’ve met most of MAx’s friends, so I can’t completely relate. But there is this one friend, one he considers one of his best, who has met me only twice and couldn’t be bothered to come to our wedding even though she and her husband rsvped yes. It irritates me a little that my husband still holds her in such high regard, when she never extended herself to me in the three years I’ve been in his life.

    But you can’t choose his friends, right.

  16. It is really hard letting go of “dead” friendships. He is lucky that he has you and your friends to embrace him with open arms!

  17. deserves better than an afterthought invitation and the occasional text.

    We all do, but sometimes it’s easier (I didn’t say better) to hang onto those old friendships than to find new ones.

  18. What a tough situation. Everyone deserves good friends, but sometimes it takes a while to realize that and even longer to phase out the not-so-good ones. Which is even harder when you’re watching from the other side.

  19. I used to have “friends” like that. It is really hard for me to give up on anyone or any relationship, so I kept trying long after it should have been over. I don’t talk to any of them very often now, and it is for the better, but finding new real friends was hard!

  20. Sounds like the typical male reaction to a feelow guy friend that is in a budding, wonderful relationship with a beautiful chic. Why do they have a tendancy to shade out like that? They act like they lost a buddy to a girl?! Ayy. men behavior. Ayy.

    Your fella sounds like a great guy. Thank goodness he has you!

  21. Poor Fella. I know how he feels. Only I’m really dense and apparently too dumb to get the hints that “those friends” don’t want to be bothered. Good for you for standing up for him.

  22. You know, that sucks. My husband has gone through the exact same thing, with most (or *all*) of his friends, and now his f*cked up family, ditching since we have been together.

    And when it comes down to it, both he and The Fella are better off without people like that in their lives. They need people who will support them and revel with them in happiness and growth.

    He is lucky to have you and the people you have brought into his life.

  23. I would have introduced myself too. And I’m tired of dealing with people with no manners.

    I like to think most of us deserve better than that (an afterthought invitation and the occasional text) – especially from our friends.

  24. Yup, that was a weird comment from the so-called friend. Seems like your Fella’s friends are not really such close friends and maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to make the big introductions? As in, they don’t mean all that much to him. I’m totally guessing here. I sort of have a similar issue with my M. He actually doesn’t really have many close friends. They are in between acquaintances and friends and don’t make such an impact in his life. Just people he knows and hangs out with from time to time. Not really close to anyone. He says I’m his best friend.

  25. Torsten has met almost all of my friends and there are quite a few of his that I haven’t met yet because a lot of them live in Germany and don’t speak English. Luckily the ones I have met are great. It’s weird to see someone you really care about with friends who just don’t seem to measure up.

  26. Wow. Coming from someone like you, who is very close with friends and family, it’s hard to understand how people treat others that way. Or allow others to treat them that way. But, kind of like Sizzle learning she in fact does deserve to be loved by someone like The Fella, maybe The Fella has to learn he does indeed deserve to have better friends. Sounds like there’s lots of growing up all over the place.

  27. Yeah, and I thought that would get better the older your SO’s friends are? It get’s worse. My husband’s friends are all in their 40’s and were such complete asshats that I have totally written them off (of course it helps that we moved to a different country). None of my friends would have ever DREAMED about being so rude. He deserves better. I deserve better. What is wrong with people these days?!?!?!?!

  28. I lost a lot of friends when Ace died. All of his friends that were my friends just sort of went their own ways. The majority of my close friends became distant too. Same thing happened to my brother after his divorce. Guess it’s just a sign like others have said that you outgrow some friendships. Sad, but often what’s needed to keep moving forward.

  29. Sounds to me like those relationships have run their course. Yours, however, hasn’t. The two of you will grow. I think his ‘friends’ have gone about as far as they are capable of going.

  30. Wow…that’s kinda sad. I feel bad for the Fella. And you, for being relegated to the “sparkly” girlfriend.” What is wrong with people?

    On a side note, I am now craving English cider. At 9:30 in the morning.

  31. You are right – they aren’t FRIENDS of his. AT ALL.

    Bunch of jerks.

    Good for you for showing manners…and a bit of spite πŸ˜‰

  32. Agh. Dex has a few friends like that and they drive me bonkers. I used to care and get really upset when they didnt acknowledge me (part of the reason was, they are friends with his ex-wife), but I’m over it. They aren’t worth the concern. The Fella definitely deserves better friends…ones who take an interest and want to meet the love of his life.

  33. Congrats on the nine months! He does deserve better friends but growing out of friendships is hard…but all in good time.

  34. Its hard letting go of old friends, and its hard watching someone you love get treated poorly. It is no wonder the Fella has chosen to spend his time with you and the people you have surrounded yourself with (do you think the guy meant- Oh, you’re sparkly, as in Oh, you have a sparkling personality? Cause then I’d totally agree with him)!

  35. I totally hear you. I’ve felt the exact same way about a few of my husband’s guy friends, especially the ones who are not in relationships. Somehow, many of them have neglected to becaome grownups, even though they are well into their thirties. Hello? You are not in college anymore. You are OLD. When you say you are going to call someone or you say you are going to do something, ADULTS assume that as an ADULT YOURSELF you will do what you said.

  36. Nobody puts Sizzle in a corner!

    Yay! for hitting the 9 month mark.

    Oh! And I often find that people misuse the word friend when it should be aquiantance or someone I know. The Fella does deserve more than that craptastic friend (with air quotes) has to offer.

  37. First, I am stealing some of this to say to a few of Rhino’s fairweather friends.
    Second, way to go Sizzle for standing up.

    Sadly, as we grow up some friends no longer fit. The Fella is a great guy who deserves much better from his friends.

    Also – love that pic of you two:)

  38. Are these friends single? It could be that they just are of the “if I don’t have a wingman, I don’t have any use for you” mentality.
    But manners are important, and people who don’t have them deserve an ass kicking.

  39. My boyfriend lost (left?) a lot of his friends when he changed his ways and history. He says he doesn’t mind, that he’s always been a loner, but I can’t help thinking he misses the company. I was the “snobby” girl who any of the stragglers pretty much hated. And they say girls are the bitchy ones?

  40. I just saw Fella’s comment…and I figure he’s the best judge. If he’s ready to let them go and move on, then it is for the best. He’s a keeper!

    Remember, too, Sizz…not everyone is good at making friends like you do. There are friends, then there are “friends”. I, for one, can count on one hand my close friends. My husband lost some friends when he got together with me because all his buddies wanted him to keep being the bachelor guy and ‘play’ with them… but he instantly became a couple, and a daddy to boot! So, it was their loss for not realizing he could change and still be their friend.

  41. Wow, that’s just beyond…rude. Are most of his friends more loyal to an Ex or something? I was trying to read between the lines with the historical part of it, but yeah, I agree that they don’t sound like they’re worthy of The Fella’s friendship or time. One of these days, we should get together — Ted’s a nice guy!

  42. David usually introduces me to his friends, etc. I know that when he DOESN’T introduce me (and it’s happened twice now, both times with a girl) it’s because he’s slept with her on some past occasion. Ha, I’m smarter than he thinks.

    I don’t know what I’d prefer in that situation though – to be introduced, or not? The first was just a random, he never talks to her. But the second is actually a friend of his, but we only bumped into her once together (we were with a group of friends) b/c she’s been away in another city.

    Anyway, that time I didn’t know whether or not to be pissed. I may have drunkenly cried into roommmate’s big boobs after a few beers.

    Ahem.

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