Top Five Reasons Why I Need a New Gynecologist:
1) She is predictably late. This time I could hear on the phone in her office next door as I sat in my backless gown, naked on the uncomfortable tissue paper lining, eying the foot stirrups warily.
2) She always goes on and on about her personal life. This time it was all about her new “diet” and her goal to drop enough weight for her trip to Hawaii where she will be riding down an irrigation pipe in an inner tube. I can’t make this shit up. Also, she is very sad to give up her favorite pants because they are getting too big on her. I seriously heard about that at least 4 times during a fifteen minute check up, four minutes of which was actually focused on me.
3) She makes me not want to have babies. This time she told me about how one of her patients was making her mad because she wouldn’t listen to her reasoning. Apparently, this very pregnant woman would not let her induce labor even though she was over two weeks late. The doc claimed the baby looked “very bad” – which she repeated to me a couple of times so she probably said the same thing to the parents. What does she mean by this “very bad”- like is the baby about to die in there? The father-to-be had asked the doctor what a Doula would do in that situation which seems to have pushed her button. Uh oh.
4) My boyfriend could give a more thorough breast exam during foreplay. I have a very large rack and genetically cystic breasts. Even a skilled doctor needs to take some extra time to really be sure there aren’t any suspicious lumps. TMI. Excuse me. Hey Fella, can I schedule a breast exam with you?
5) She doesn’t pass the kleenex. What I mean is (excuse me boys, this might be where you want to just skip to the comments) that she slathers on the KY for the pap but doesn’t bother to wipe it off or at the very least, to hand a girl a tissue after so I am forced to sit up and um, well, there’s no delicate way to put this so I will just say it: drip out onto the tissue paper lining. It’s very unpleasant.
In summary, I’ve had more attention during a quickie.
At least I learned my heart rate is great, my blood pressure is good and I weigh less than I thought.
I’m still finding another doctor though.