I’m Not Bogarting

It seems many of my tenants enjoyed smoking out this weekend judging from the ripe odors wafting into the hallways from their apartments. I’d open the front door and BAM, I’d be assaulted with doobie smell. I’d come in from taking out the trash and overhear someone coughing behind closed doors. Not “I have a cold” kind of cough but “I just took too big of a hit” kind of cough. I’ll give whomever is smoking some props- that’s some good weed they are toking. The illegal drug consumption doesn’t particularly bother me except that I know I will be hearing about it from certain tenants who feel personally affronted by smells of any kind in an apartment building. That’s a conversation I’d rather skip because I am not able to control the Universe (yet), thankyouverymuch.

* * * * *

The other morning I was in the middle of getting ready for work when the buzzer rang. Who is buzzing me at 8:45am while I am still in my pjs late for work damn it? A frantic sounding tenant had apparently locked herself out so I buzzed her in and within a minute she was banging on my door. Apparently she’d lost her whole set of keys somewhere between leaving her apartment and arriving to work. I let her in to search but since her door required me to unlock it, I’m thinking they aren’t in there. You know, since she had to actually turn the lock to lock it when she left. Yeah. After trying the spare key I had for that unit, we arrived at the conclusion that she was fucked and by default, I was too.

Okay, I internally arrived at that conclusion since we had no working spare key, only a master key that I was unwilling to part with (obviously) and because she had lost her keys, she was responsible for any costs that were incurred. We left her apartment door unlocked and I scrambled to get to the locksmith before heading into work. And yes, I was late to work. Again.

After I ran around in a frenzy, the locksmith to came out, re-keyed the lock, and left copies of the keys under my door we were left with a bill that came close to $90. Of course that’s when she informed me that she had located her keys- in the cab she took to work. Awesome. Thanks for all that trouble. No. REALLY. Thanks!

Cough.

Lucky for her the landlords waived the fees since we didn’t have a working spare.

* * * * *

My boss (aka Mrs. Landlord) is new to using computers. How do I know this? Well her emails look like this:

Hi!!! Are the sprinklers not working?? We are worried about the grass!!!!! The rent in unit #26 should be $950! Thanks!!!

Plus, she told me she was taking a computer class. I could have figured it out though. I mean look at all those exclamation points. She’s an energetic woman but even that many exclamation points are uncalled for. I’m personally affronted by her emails.

She also insists on having things faxed to her. “Great! Can you fax that over to me? Thanks!!!!!!” Why can’t I EMAIL it? What year is this? Am I stuck in the 1990’s? I don’t want to fax it. It wastes paper and time. Besides, what would Al Gore say? He would tsk tsk at you, Mrs. Landlord. Also, I can’t figure out how to have the fax plugged into the phone line without it ringing a very piercing sound in a caller’s ear so I keep it unplugged. Which means each time I am forced to use it, I have to plug it in. I know. My life, it’s very challenging.

Inhale.

Cough.

Oh don’t mind me. . . I’m just taking the edge off.

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40 thoughts on “I’m Not Bogarting

  1. I hate using fax machines as well. It pisses me off.
    Nothing wrong with a little taking the edge off every now and again.
    Is that The Doors that I hear playing in the background?! 😉

  2. I’m just commenting to say how funny this post is!!!!!! That Mrs. Landlord sure is silly!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine if we all overused punctuation like that?????????????? How funny would that be??????????????????? Keep writing all this funny posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ^_^

  3. Tell Mrs. Landlord that you will scan whatever she needs and email it to you. Or just email whatever needs to be emailed. I mean REALLY Mrs. Landlord!!!! It’s the 21st century already!!!!!! You need to show her that clip from Office Space in which the fax machine is beaten to a pulp. I’m just sayin!!!!

  4. Haha! Damn keys! Tell your landlord with all those explanation marks that she needs to install palm readers for each tenant! Then you won’t be late for work!
    Inhale
    Cough cough
    Thanks! Haha!

  5. My mom has toned down here overuse of punctuations since she’s been using email more and more. I don’t know why it started in the first place because she’s been using computers for a long time and obviously has to email co-workers and superiors who probably wouldn’t appreciate the copious amounts of !!!! and ??? So why did I have to get bombarded with those?(??)

    And I can’t tell you how annoying the fax sound is when I’m trying to reach UW alumni. I get at least one fax noise per session. It’s piercing alright… so much so that I have to hold the earphone away from my head while I frantically try to hang up. Seriously people… they’re called PDFs. Use them.

  6. Isay email her an instruction list of how to email PDF’s. Really, it is the year 2008 and who needs a clunky fax machine sitting around?

  7. Oh Manager Lady. You poor thing. Your doobie story reminds me of college. When I was an R.A. And the men’s soccer team lived on my floor. And similar odors came wafting out of their suite. I got to go in and warn them the R.A. on duty would be walking through in 10 minutes and it was in their best interest not to be around when that took place. Ten minutes later, the team had left the building. hahahah.

  8. As Charlie Brown would say, good grief!!
    Why are people so obsessed with their damn lawns, anyway? Everytime I see someone in Chicago wasting water on their stupid little patch of grass, I want to punch that person!

  9. I can’t believe that fax machines are still being used. I know it’s relatively modern technology, but still…so archaic..like dial-up modems.

    Alright, I’ve got to get off the phone line now so I can go fax my TPS report.

  10. Dude.. I need to come breathe in your building. Tell smelly nelly to get over it, it will decrease her need for her xanax. She should thank the other tenants.

    Fax machines are so 90’s… Meet my friend the scanner.

    For the longest time my dad wrote his emails in all caps. We have fixed that little issue, but he still sends everything in really big fonts, and has not figured out how to use bcc.. I may refer him to one of Dave’s old entries.

    Did the blue angels bother you all weekend?

  11. I don’t know how to use the fax machine. The end.

    Also, I am a land lord and it is the BANE of my existance. But you knew that.

  12. At least she knows how to use the computer and fax machine! My mother-in-law can’t start the computer, open Word, type a letter and print it without precise written instructions. She and technology? Do not get a long. At all.

  13. Al Gore might tsk tsk about the watering of the lawn too. It’s almost a relief when our grass finally burns and dies for the season – no more mowing!

  14. This post cracked me up but I am sorry you have to deal with this! (just one exclamation mark there even though it deserves more because I don’t want to add to your stress!)

  15. I hate it when people want things faxed. There is no reason for it in this day and age. I don’t have a fax machine, or access to one. And I don’t trust them. They don’t seem reliable. I can never tell if my transmission worked…

  16. I’m affronted by the exclamation points as well!! Seriously, no one who is not as damn energetic and theatrical in PERSON (ie-ME!!!!) should ever use them with any sort of frequency!

    BOO!!!!!

  17. Now… I read this post in my feed reader BEFORE I saw the title of your post. I was all excited clicking through because I was going to be a smartass and comment “hey, stop bogarting that doobie overflow!”

    Now I get here and read the title of your entry and am deflated, because you thought of it first! Oh well. 🙂

  18. The law of averages says the tenant will find her keys as soon as you have busted your arse to replace them.
    Send the potheads North of the border – we don’t frown on it up here:)

  19. Ugh, I’m one of those that can’t stand the smell — it makes me want to vomit.

    Our office Admin suffers from too many smiley faces in her e-mails. I swear, she’ll have three in a message about office supplies.

  20. Cough, now I know the secret to ‘mellow’ … cough, cough… my kid did tell me that you can et this particular mellow from an infused honey for your tea! no more cough cough! lol

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