Bare

Every time I watch How To Look Good Naked, I cry.

I am a sap, yes, but it’s more than that. The women on that show achieve what I never have- acceptance of their body as it is.

This is not a new topic here at Sizzle Says. Honestly, I am sick to death of thinking about it because that’s all I seem to do. THINK. I am proactive in every other area of my life sans one- my body. My mind is running on a treadmill but my body? My body is paralyzed. I cannot get the two to meet and formulate a plan.

So here I am feeling monumentally humiliated by my body, angry at it and me for what it has become, saddened to the deep, dark place inside me, and crushed by the insurmountable guilt of it all. Yes, guilt. Because I am hyper-aware of my disappointment, my inability to measure up, my acute discomfort with living in a body I reject daily. I am my own worst critic and hold a PhD in self-flagellation.

For the past few weeks I have been on a tear, consumed with plotting how and when I will make the leap. I think about getting up to walk, set the alarm, put my shoes out near the door and when the buzzer goes off, I hide. Why? Why do I do this? I do not want to be fat. I know what it takes to not be fat. And yet I continually sabotage myself so I stay fat.

Then the guilt sets in which is often worse than the being fat. Fat I can manage. Guilty and fat? Overwhelming to the point where I just walk around feeling like a failure all day long. It’s miserable. But then I think of how great my life is outside of the fact that I am fat and I feel even guiltier for throwing an internal pity party. I just want to scream at myself: Give me a break, you whiny bitch!

But I can’t seem to get over anything lately.

I have worked extremely hard over the last few years to get to a place where I love myself. I can accept my faults and acknowledge my strengths. I can even let people love me in return without pushing them away. (Okay, I still struggle with that but it’s better than it was.) You could criticize me on a number of things and I would probably bounce back but if anyone ever remarks on my weight, I crumble. It’s the ONE area in my life where I feel like an utter failure so I respond defensively and then I go somewhere and cry. And then the cycle of self-loathing picks up speed.

This post is more for me than it is for you. I needed to say something, anything to try to get unstuck. I am so utterly sick of myself, of feeling like I take up too much space, of feeling like I am an embarrassment to my friends and family, of worrying what people will think of me when they meet me, of limiting myself from living my life to its fullest. . . all because I am fat. Either I need to accept my body as it is right now and move on or I need to make some drastic changes to how I treat my body starting today because I am done mentally berating myself.

Because ultimately, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me. It’s what I think of me that matters most. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile without faking it.

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94 thoughts on “Bare

  1. You are a brave woman. And I know something of that feeling of frustration when that bravery (determination, etc.) doesn’t translate to that one area in your life where you so want it to.
    I won’t ramble on and on, but I am here for you. We row a very similar boat, my friend.

  2. I wish I couldn’t relate to this.

    Honest and hard to read…but important, because so many of us feel this way. If only we could see ourselves through others eyes I think we’d all be shocked at how unfat we really are.

  3. I have read so many posts and even written one of my own dealing with this very thing. What is it that makes us – strong, successful, smart, funny, women – measure ourselves by our weight? It’s ridiculous but so very difficult to stop.

  4. Drastic changes are hard to maintain. I say this from experience. If I may suggest, make the changes gradually. It’s slow going and I, having no patience, hate it but seeing as how this is something we’re going to have to deal with all of our lives, I guess slow is best. As those who know are often quick to remind me, “You didn’t gain all the weight overnight.”

    That whole life thing? I thought I was okay with that and it turns out that I’m not. I realized that last week. Coming to accept that is hard. Harder than the hours I put in at the gym.

    As for those women on that show accepting their bodies. Maybe. Maybe not. It makes for good TV. But, and this is my cynical side talking now, I have a hard time believing those women don’t stand in front of a mirror every once in a while and think, “My god. Look at my thighs.”

  5. I just looked at your flickr stream and you and I have the same body (though I have a bigger head). And yes, I’m right there with you: I don’t like my body. Some days I look good, but I could always look better. For me it’s complicated by the dating factor because now I’m insecure about it. I’ve seen guys put acceptable BMIs in their online dating profiles. Lovely, eh?

  6. I can SO relate to this…I could have written this (but not as eloquently). When I think of all the things I have avoided doing, or blamed not being able to do due to my weight, I realize that I have really shortchanged myself.

    Wishing you all the best as you figure out the best way to deal with these feelings.

  7. First of all, it has to be said, you are already gorgeous. But I know all too well the feeling of not believing it deep down.
    I couldn’t for the life of me get off the couch and do something about the pregnancy lbs that were depressing me. Oddly enough the chocolate consumed while on the couch didn’t help either…

    I joined the Twitter Tweightloss challenge (think Biggest Loser meets social media) which started last week, and lo and behold, because there are all these strangers relying on me I’m getting off the couch and going to the gym. There’s a new round starting August 11, you know, if you’re looking for that extra push.

  8. ultimately, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me. It’s what I think of me matters most.

    You’re so right.

    We’re all in your corner. *hugs*

  9. I think we are always our own worst critic. And some of us can be quite harsh on ourselves. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – I’ve never met you in person but from what I read and even the pictures you post, you are a gorgeous young lady. How could your family and friends even think of you as an embarrassment? I think that’s all in your head. Don’t let those nasty negative thoughts in because you’ll just break yourself down even more. Not worth it.

    And p.s. I’ve found that working out with someone (preferably a friend) helps in actually doing it. I’m pretty bad myself, never get out on my own.

  10. Don’t regret this post πŸ˜‰ Awareness is the first step. Getting going is the next – and hardest – step.

    Don’t you wish they bottled motivation? I myself could use a shot or two.

  11. Oh, Sizzle. I feel the same way, a hundred times over. I look around, and I see all that I am blessed with, but can’t get past the fact that I’m fat. And, like you, I know exactly what it takes to not be fat, and I know that waiting for me at the end of that journey is a multitude of happy things, such as self-confidence, getting flirted with (like I once was…and even though I’m more than happily married, I still like the feeling of knowing other men find me attractive), getting to wear HOT clothes, and, best of all, getting pregnant. But, here I sit, munching on McDonald’s and saying no to the gym once more. It’s a self-destructive pattern, and I just can’t seem to get out of it. We need a support group. Seriously. πŸ™‚

  12. You read my blog, so you know I struggle with the same thoughts. You tell me all the time that I am not fat. AND NEITHER ARE YOU! I know it’s hard to hear words from your own mouth but try to hear them.

    YOU ARE NOT FAT!

  13. While I haven’t had the great pleasure of meeting you and only know you through your words, I have to say that you are an amazing person!

    I have yo-yo’d with my weight for the last several years. being short, I also let that affect my self-image. It is hard to overcome. We can be support pals. Ok, yes, that’s the dumbest phrase I have ever uttered, but I’m hoping you know what I mean πŸ˜‰

  14. I find that show so painful, I cannot even watch it. I haven’t made it more than about 10 minutes through a single episode. You aren’t alone.

    But some advice here – there is no such thing as drastic turning out well. Drastic means big changes, U-turns, and so on. That doesn’t work. What does is tackling the little things here and there until they add up and then moving on to the big things. Trust me on this one, been there, done that, still working on it – it’s a lifelong thing, don’t tell yourself otherwise.

  15. I think every single one of us feels this post. No matter how fat or skinny we may be, we all have body issues. And self-acceptance and how we arrive *there* is huge. No path is exactly the same. And therefore, each one of us are the only ones who can determine what is best for ourselves. I champion your cause. And whole-heartedly support you. And hope you find that balance where you can finally be happy. You deserve it. As do we all.

  16. Oh wow. I am so glad I read your blog today. I can relate to this post so well, only — when I was feeling this way, I wasn’t brave or aware enough to write about it… it’s only now, in the aftermath of change, that I’m able to articulate the way I used to feel.

    HOney, you’re not alone.

    I was the girl who always had jobs, friends, boyfriends, dates, happiness, laughter in my life… I was the picture of confidence, success, and control — never let them see you crack — but I was fat. FAT. 250 lbs, chain-smoker fat.

    All I can tell you is that you won’t do anything until you are ready – and you SOUND ready — and when you do, the little steps and changes will build on each other until it just becomes not “something you’re doing” but simply “The way you live.”

    Getting myself off the sofa was the hardest part, getting over inertia was the biggest struggle. But once I did, the momentum of forward-movement propelled me to a great place! It all started with a trip to Weight Watchers and a walk around the block. 65 lbs and a MARATHON later, my life is totally different.

    You are loved and you are wonderful and smart and beautiful at ANY size — but what really matters the most is the relationship you have with yourself, and if that’s being compromised, then it is time to make a change.

    YOu can do it, I know you can… when you are ready. And every woman has her own timing. It took me YEARS of “I hate my body, I have to change” before I finally did anything. It’s 5 years later and I’m STILL working on it, still losing the last 25 lbs, STILL struggling with my demons, but I think that’s just how my life is going to be… because I’m human and imperfect, just like you. πŸ˜‰

    Also, I will add… I was the most unathletic person you’d ever MEET, but becoming more physically active put me in touch with my body in a way I never imagined — it wasn’t until I started valuing my body based on what it capable of, rather than what it looks like, that it all clicked in a major “lightbulb moment” for me.

    Start with the walk around the block. Just be casual. A stroll. Enjoy the weather, some good music, time alone with your thoughts. The rest will come.

    Sorry to write so much in your comments, but this is a topic I am very passionate about, and you remind me a lot of myself, so i went with it.

    Best to you!
    ~Jessica

  17. That show makes me cry too. I too struggle every day with body image and finding new ways to stay motivated when it comes to exercise. Aqua Aerobics is a great start and I’m finding the pool is filled with women that feel the same way. It’s been great. Hang in there Sizz and know that you aren’t alone in feeling frustrated. I often ask myself, seriously, what is it going to take?

  18. I’ve had the sincere pleasure of meeting you in real life, and fuck woman! YOU ARE GORGEOUS. You are poised and funny and smart and put-together- everything I wish I could be.

    I’ve had a huge problem making my head believe reality when it comes to my own weight. It’s a major struggle- I get it. So I’ll just tell you that you are beautiful and that you can do anything you want to and hope that you believe it.

  19. I want to give you a hug. I also admire your strength. If I could be half as accepting of myself emotionally as I am physically, I would feel like I was a quarter of the way to being a decent person. I envy the self-acceptance that you have, not in spite of the fact that it is different from my own, but because of it.

  20. “…hold a PhD in self-flagellation…”
    I think I went to the same university. πŸ˜‰
    Hang in there girl, and best wishes.

  21. (((HUGS)))

    Um, yeah. For me, I find that the evenings are better. Just strap on those shoes and do it. Even if it’s just a walk to make it part of the routine. Honestly though, it’s been 7 months since I have done it. I feel ya!

  22. I’m on day two of my new life. I’m tired of being overweight — and KNOW I cannot just accept it… I’ll always berate myself in my head if I don’t slim down. I was always thin, until 6 years ago (kids) and the vicious cycle began. I want “me” back.

    I keep repeating the following to myself:
    Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. So SO true.

  23. risking sounding like a broken record … I understand completely. Even when I am a “thinner” me, these thoughts cloud my perception. And what’s worse than knowing what to do is knowing what to do and NOT doing it because I am afraid of failing. That fear is what stops me. Which really fucking sucks because I am throwing the best years of my life away.

  24. i LOVE that show (though i prefer 30 mins compared to 60 mins)… regardless of how hokey it might be – i think it’s very good at simplifying just HOW important it is, to love yourself, regardless of what stage your body may be in (thin, fat, pregnant, etc.)… so many women, myself included, jump at the chance to find the negative things instead of just saying, “this is me, take it or leave it”… it’s also easy to put yourself on the back burner, while taking care of everyONE and everyTHING else… i’m glad you’re taking the first step… :o)

  25. I can relate to this post so, so closely. I wish I couldn’t. I am the same as you–it is/was the one form of criticism that I can’t handle. Now that I’ve lost so much weight on WW, I have a shield to hide behind–I’m being proactive. I’m doing something. You can’t blame me. But I’m still fat. I still have a long way to go. And the feelings haven’t gone yet. When I hear about people who weigh more than I do now but less than I used to weigh, I always think, “Oh, that person weighs less than me.” And I use that as a reason to remind myself about how unbearably fat I am. And then I remember that I’m not quite that fat anymore, and that that person doesn’t weigh less than me anymore. But it doesn’t really make a difference.

  26. Wow – me too. But much better said than I could ever put it. I feel like I’m ALWAYS trying and ALWAYS failing at the weight game. Maybe someday my brain and my body will become acquainted with one another…

  27. My $0.02? I think that part of the reason it’s so hard to get started is because you know that getting started means really thinking about your body, and what you’ve done to make it a thing you don’t love, every day. And when you’re not getting started? You can ignore it a bit more, even if it’s always simmering underneath the surface.

    A long way of saying that as soon as you’re ready to deal with why you eat what you eat, exercise/not, etc. — you’ll do what’s right for you. It is HARD, and I struggle with it all the time.

  28. I think we have talked about this before. How we need to make peace with the fact that we are enough no matter what we think is wrong with us. We need to remember that other people are much more kind to us than we are to ourselves. And that we are both more kind to others than to ourselves.

    Sizzle, you are enough. I hope someday soon you believe it and see what I (and lots of others) see when they think of you. I see a brave, kind, beautiful great friend who I am happy to know, and can’t wait to meet in real life someday.

  29. I so hear you on this. I hope someday you (and me) can get to this good place with our bodies. We can logically say we are good people and we love ourselves, but then we do things that defy that. The mind over matter just doesn’t always seem to make a connect.

    I love the spirit of Sizzle. I love the woman in all her forms. One day I hope she looks in the mirror and loves the person she sees herself.

  30. the only think i know is learning to accept it in ANY form, not just how it is now or later, thinner or fatter…but just how it is at any given time.

    when i am in that headspace, i listen to how it feels and know when it feels good (more salt, less salt = more sugar, less sugar…)…so i focus on what makes my body feel good. of course, it requires getting in touch with all the beautiful flaws…

    a virtual hug is all i can give you now, my friend. but it is a big one. one that can hold crying and anger and all the shit that you’re hanging on to.

    xo

  31. I tried to tell myself I could be ok with it, but I am not. I’ve been healthy (or on my way there) and I was happier.

    I know I can do it but don’t know why I don’t.

    Point is, I feel your pain and wish neither of us was in this position.

  32. This is so hard, and yet you are so brave as to write about it openly. That’s has to count for something right?
    I take my sweet time to make decisions as to when to start with things I have pending, but once the mulling is all done with, it just hits me one day and I decide to start. From that point on it’s a straight line to the finish goal.
    Maybe the next step, after admitting it and sharing it, is to get to that decision making point and start making the change. We’re all here for you Sizz, you’re not alone, and I’m hopeful we can bring that change in together.

  33. I’m glad you left this post up. So many people can relate to it. It doesn’t matter if you’re young, old, fat or skinny. Many of us don’t appreciate or love our bodies and that is the most important thing. Regardless of sex, size or race, you are beautiful.

  34. I know what you mean, it seems that you want to reach a goal but don’t know how you will take the steps to achieve it.

    For me, I just acknowleged my faults and set tiny goals. Like walk after dinner or set a goal to purchase something I wanted after keeping a log to write down what I did.

    But can you do me one favor, print this out and tape it to your mirror…

    You ARE beautiful!

  35. I sent you an email about this yesterday, and I think you can do both: you can love and accept yourself and want to change. The issue is to not beat yourself up if the changes don’t come quickly, or you are not “perfect” in making those changes.

    It’s difficult to have everything except for this one thing – THIS ONE THING! It seems silly, it seems like it should be easy. It just isn’t for some of us.

    That’s okay. That’s normal. Frustrating, but normal.

    I was able to make a change, and I backslid some, but the one thing that helped me was every day I started brand new. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but for me, it didn’t. And it doesn’t. It’s always hard. But the better I treat myself physically, the better I feel emotionally. That’s worth it.

    xo

  36. So so so know what you are saying. I agree with you (with me) accept it or do something about it. The mental game is unbearable sometimes. I don’t even own a full length mirror because I can’t handle looking in it anymore. Sad.

  37. a couple years ago i lost about 25 pounds. i was always ‘regular sized’ (which, being 6 ft tall = size 12). but then i dropped considerably. i could tell because people said i was skinny. my clothes were too big. i had no appetite at all (oh, the silver lining of a painful divorce!)

    but anyways, here’s the STRANGE thing: i looked in the mirror, and what did i see? NOTHING DIFFERENT. i looked exactly the same to myself. that’s when i really clued in about how distorted our own images of our bodies are. now my weight is back up to ‘normal’ and i still see the same old me in the mirror. so, i’ve gotta love myself just the way i am…

  38. I know you say this post was more for you than us, but you articulated extremely well how I’ve felt about my weight for years! Even after losing some of it, the fight never gets easier, and you still carry the same issues even though your jeans are slightly smaller. The frustration and yes, guilt, in your body and how you feel about it is a heavy burden. Don’t let it crush you, because you are wonderful!!!

    I don’t know what to offer to motivate you. For me, it was being able to come off a horrible medication that for 4 years had made me slightly nauseous almost constantly. What I found worked was not so much to change my diet or my activities (those were just too ingrained), but to change how I ate. I eat smaller portions now, but of the same things I’ve always loved. It maybe takes longer, but it has seemed to work really well. Just a little bit less of everything, but still enjoy it all.

    Good luck!!!!

  39. I struggle with this too… and I get super lazy because I have this great guy who loves me exactly how I am – who tells me I look fabulous and then I have to resist calling him a liar. It seems the only time I am proactive about my health, diet and exercise is when I’m pregnant so I either need to be pregnant all the time or try to adopt all these good habits into my daily life. I’m going to try to choose the 2nd one.

    But, back to you – if you ever want some moral support I’m here and I’m happy to be your long distance “get fit” buddy. πŸ™‚

  40. Sizzle, you are so beautiful on the inside AND out. And I’m sure Fella would say that he loves your kickin’ curves!

    When I’m in a rut about my body or exercising, it always helps me to have a gal pal around. Either to mope with – or to motivate me. Buddies make it so much easier to get through the blues or get out there in your running shoes. I wish I lived closer – I’d come walking and talking with you anytime.

  41. That “stuck” feeling is really the worst, isn’t it? It’s one thing when you know what you need to do, it’s such a huge OTHER thing to actually get up and do it. It’s HARD.
    Please know that I continue to admire your strength, confidence, and determination- your many sucesses and achievements that you share on this blog. I know that from hearing your past stories, if this is something you want to grab ahold of, address on your own terms, it is something you will do, because I know you have it in you.

  42. Aw, Sizzle, sorry you feel this way. It’s hard as hell. I have been reading a ton of blogs about self-acceptance, and that helps me, but it’s a rough road because society can be so judgmental and I think so much bad body image is ingrained.

    I saw the pics you put up here and I think you look fantastic. You look healthy and curvy to me, like a real person, someone who lives a real life and enjoys it.

    Something my therapist talked about, who would you be if you let go of this idea? Who would you be if you let go of your negative self image and started loving yourself exactly as you are right now?

  43. I have no way of saying this that isn’t cliche and trite, but I know EXACTLY what you’re saying. I have made myself physically sick just thinking about how fat I am – usually provoked at the sight of myself in the rare photo or after clothes shopping. It’s worth noting that I don’t do the latter unless forced.

    Thank you for this post. I have been working on a similar one in my head for months now, but I often can’t start writing it because that means actually facing how disgusting I really find myself.

  44. It took me about a decade to stop crossing at cross walks without thinking everyone in their cars was thinking how hideous I was.

    Still crosses my mind now and then.

    I think you are beautiful And that isn’t blowing smoke up your ass.

  45. Oh man, I can relate to this post SO MUCH! My “pie argument” post was inspired by a lifetime of unhealthy eating habits.

    I wish that we lived near each other, I would totally drag you out for a hike. I find exercise easier, especially when getting myself into a groove when I have someone else with me.

  46. i relate so much to this sizzle. and i struggle to be happy with who i am too and i think your last part sums it up best:

    It’s what I think of me that matters most. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile without faking it.

    that is the most important part and i hope to get there too. you are in no way alone with that one πŸ™‚

  47. I am with you sister – In fact I think you are living in my head. I struggled with my weight since the womb and not too long ago I was pushing 210 lbs – I was fat – miserable – guilty and everything in between. Until the switch in my head went on. It is not something that can be forced or pushed when you are ready you will know it then watch out world because here you come!! It took me along time to drop those 60 lbs and there are still times when I do not see the change and I struggle in my head but I am finally happy on the inside. On our site I did a post in early July showing before and after photos.

    I give you so much credit for being raw and honest that is so amazing and impressive – You are so not alone in this journey – You are in good company on this one and everyone is happy to be here for and with you along the way.

    Cheers
    Cathy

  48. Okay, this is what I want to know…

    What does The Fella feel/think about your body? Is he okay with it? And if HE is and if HE thinks you’re beautiful (hello, I’ve seen the photos, he looks at you with utter adoration, unless you’re a photoshop master and have been messing with his eyes)… then why can’t you see that?

    Then again… flip side, I know exactly what you feel. Three kids, and to be honest, the major reason why I’m celibate is because I’m ashamed of what the dang kids have done to my body. No amount of gym-going, yoga… or sitting my arse on the couch and pigging out, will fix it. I don’t even know if a tummy tuck will. What will though, is the mental change to get to the point where I accept that hey, THIS IS ME.

    I’m not there yet.

    Don’t know if I will be.

    I love speaking out of both sides of my mouth. It’s so easy to do!

  49. Oh Sizzle– You know that I think you are Beautiful, but it’s the weight thing that the biggest weakspot. I feel that too. I can only tell you, that it has taken me really until this year to finally decide, I am going to try and just be Me. I hate the weight issue, but I have flogged myself so long, and chased a sense of “perfect” and “Image” for so long? I just am not doing that anymore. There’s a relief in that acceptance, and also– a feeling as I look over the past 10 years, that I have been very, very foolish.
    My foolishness has been growth, and may even have been part of what caused more of my weight gain over time, but I don’t want to be foolish anymore. I just want to be Me. I’ve beat myself up for too long, trying to be what I think I should be. If you have reached that point already, in your Youth? You are way ahead of the game, my dear.

    –and you ARE Beautiful. Just as you are.

  50. Please stop mentally berating yourself. I’ve met you and you are GORGEOUS with a capital G. You are smart and sexy. I also know that it doesn’t make a difference if I say it, it’s about you believing it. Go do, be, find whatever you need that lets you believe how wonderful you really are and believe it with all your heart.

  51. “Either I need to accept my body as it is right now and move on or I need to make some drastic changes to how I treat my body starting today because I am done mentally berating myself.”

    I think for me the key was actually to do both of these at once. Accepting myself as I was (that is, a former ballet dancer and anorexic who had somehow come to weigh 258.5 pounds–more than twice my “normal,” non-eating-disorder weight) is what finally gave me the strength to make the physical changes I needed to make for my health and sanity (not for my dress size).

    It took me a long time to really get that. I kept thinking, yeah, sure, I’ll accept myself a few pounds from now, when I get below that terrifying 200 or whatever. But finally I just got fed up and let it go. And you know what? That’s when the gym started being fun, and healthy food started tasting good—not because of the bikini I’d wear after x number of meals, but becase it made me feel so great. I managed to actually lose weight while spending a month in Italy (!!)–and it was completely without effort. Because all of a sudden I wasn’t feeding my fear and shame anymore–I was just feeding me. And thank god, because those fuckers were really hungry.

    I’ve lost 51 pounds as of this morning, and I’m still seeing numbers on the scale that would have caused me to hide under a rock just a few years ago. I still weigh more than my boyfriend. My poor skin is covered with the remnants of the stretch marks I acquired in gaining 120 pounds in a single wretched year. But you know what? I’m working that shit. And I’ll continue to work whatever it is I have, stretch marks flabby arms and all. It’s just not worth my time to do anything else.

    But i can attest that it’s totally, totally worth it to spend the time learning how to give yourself whatever it is you need to let it go.

  52. I’m a pretty average build, but when my clothes didn’t fit anymore I started hitting the gym. The hardest thing for me is self-discipline. It’s so easy to skip exercising and head home early. But on the days I don’t exercise, I look in the mirror and notice all of my problem areas. On the other hand, on the days I exercise, I look in the mirror and assess what looks more toned.

    I hope you find what makes you content with your reflection in the mirror.

  53. “Fat” is a matter o’ perspective. So you don’t llike “fat”. Is The Fella “fat”? Do you perceive girlfriends your size (or bigger) as “fat”? Or is it just you who’s “fat”? So long as you’re healthy and active, then it’s your perspective that’s going to have you seeing nasty everytime you look in a mirror, regardless of how much you do, or don’t, weigh. Personally, I’ve worked hard and eaten an awful lot of icecream and donuts to get my happy little roll big enough to rest a refreshing beverage upon. Sure and it’s a bit funny looking, the white line where my rolls meet and the sun don’t shine but hey…the positives far outweigh the negatives.

  54. Look at your support lady!! So awesome, these people got your back!
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE what “Jessifer” said.
    It’s so true about not making changes till you are ready. I always ask myself, “what is THIS situation here to teach me?”
    Also taking little steps is key I think. Looking in a mirror and feeling shitty. It seems so hopeless sometimes. Making it your mission to take a walk everyday even if it’s only for 15 minutes. Those are small steps. You can do it girl, when you put your mind to it, and your mind is ready YOU can do it!

  55. I feel it.

    The funny thing is that I have often wondered what it must be like to be so Sizzle-icious. It’s hard to realize how/why someone sees themselves when from the outside looking in it all looks rosy.

    ((hugs))

  56. Sizzle babes! Over worked and not enough time for self loving. You are beautiful! Could it be possible that you found that just one thing to pick on? Kinda like when you work too hard, not enough self time and you find that ONE thing to keep yourself down, because you hadn’t enough time to breathe? Because I do this all time and i have to constant remind myself that I am just picking on myself.
    It sounds like you need that extra sleep, your body is telling you to leave the sneakers at the door. Can you think of a time during the day that allows you 30 minutes to take a breather from work and take a brisk walk? Sometimes, the best time to shake off some stress and take some healthy alone time is in the middle of the day. Lik during lunch or something. Its like taking down two birds with one stone! ITs work work work, take sizzle alone time break for a 30 min. walk, think, breathe and come back to work work work!
    OK – I am rambling again. But, I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand. And give you hugs from across the US.

  57. PS – Ummm, did I sound like a valley girl above? MAN, I suck! I should never type and write at the same time with out checking how I wrote it. Ummm yea. πŸ™‚

  58. Oh Sizzle. Even though I am not overweight I have been and I still have flab in places I hate. I go through this very thing daily too. What is it that we have to be perfect? And who says skinny is perfect? Never mind I lost 25 pounds 2 years ago, I still feel (always feel) I could lose another 10. You are not alone in this if it makes you feel any better :-). We love you.

  59. Girls like us are TOO GODDAMNED COOL to be worrying about all this stuff. Like, when I wore spanx under my dress the other day and just prayed to Jeebus that my skirt didn’t move so that everyone could see them because The Thins have no idea about chafed thighs.

  60. It broke my heart to read this, Sizzle. I know you know in your head that you are more than a number on a scale, but how do you convince your heart? I hope you can someday write a post on that!

  61. Wow – look at all the love. I recognize this feeling, and not just because I read Jen Lancaster’s hilarious book “Such a Pretty Fat.” Really recommend it for anyone dealing with body image issues and challenges trying to come to grips with actually doing something about it. I have multiple bad habits (one of which is avoiding working out) and I just complain about them, rather than doing anything to fix them.

  62. Still, once again, late to the party. I’ve been a bit behind on my blog reading.

    As you can gather by all the comments, you are NOT alone.

    I stopped wearing makeup. Something I did every single day BEFORE I had my coffee. I can’t stand to look myself in the eye. Now THAT’s bad.

    I’ve pretty much had the same body type since the 1st grade. I’ve never been happy with my body.

    Except when I was pregnant. And I didn’t even make it a full 9 months but I loved my body then. I was mothering and nesting and growing life inside my body. Then it was over and I went back to loathing myself.

    I hear what you are saying. I feel the same pain.

    But, surely The Fella loves you just as you are … so there HAS to be some solace in that fact.

    You are a beautiful woman. No question. Inside and out. No question.

  63. The last paragraph is so true – that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

    I feel fat and frump and ugly a lot, but then I wonder… who even notices or cares besides ME? Probably not too many people, and the people who matter, and do care, are only interested in my best interest.

  64. Well, I don’t know if it matters at all, but there’s a guy in India (who I happen to know has flawless taste) who thinks you are pretty darned FAB-U-LOUS! – and when I said that in my mind, there were snaps and jazz hands πŸ˜‰

  65. I know what you mean, Sizzle. I often have the same thoughts of myself, of my size. The one area where I’m not happy with myself. Oh I do make great strides and lost 45 pounds last year and did a triathalon. But, the slide, the rebound always happens and I never make it to my goal….the promised land. And another reason to beat myself up. It’s a never ending battle and I really don’t know how I will win it.

  66. I meant to add….others can tell us that we are beautiful or that we look fine and love us….but I don’t quite believe it as I’m hearing my own self dialogue.

    That being said, I think you are a beautiful person Sizzle and I first thought that through your blog, your writing and then when I met you my gut feeling was confirmed. You shine girl!

  67. Preaching to the choir – as a former gymnast, I am all about evaluating my body for its flaws, rather than looking for its beauty. And when my body continues to fail me time and time again – in my case, injuries – it is really hard to look at it with anything approaching love. It is something I need to work on, I know, but it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know when it will…

  68. It’s too hard to resist the urge to give advice. Soooo many people can relate to what you’re saying! Me included.

    So here’s my advice (as a woman who lost 65 pounds and 8 sizes) – in that moment, when you’re waking up, looking at those damn shoes, and thinking “I don’t want to I don’t want to I don’t want to,” that is the moment you work on. Here is what worked for me: (1) Stop asking yourself whether getting up and exercising is a good idea. Stop thinking about exercise at all. (2) Do something else. When you are having thoughts about whether to exercise, do ANYTHING else. Slam down a cold glass of water instead. Get up and balance your checkbook instead. Throw your hands in the air and make weird Murloc sounds instead. Or better yet – put on your shoes while making Murloc sounds. Then go out on your walk while making them.

    After a few days of this you won’t even wake up until you’re already on the road, wondering how you got your shoes tied while you were still sleeping.

    Or, and I know this is hard to hear, realize that you really don’t want to lose weight and/or be fit. That you’d rather just accept your beautiful body just the way it is, or that you really just want to keep feeling bad, and weight issues are a great way to do that. (Big media will help out with that, and you can even pay for the privilege.)

    And now my own reality check – I gained some of the weight back. 20 pounds of it. BUT – I learned a lot about myself and my people in the process. Lessons I wouldn’t trade for anything. I’m more centered about weight and food issues now – when I feel heavy it’s less loaded and emotional. Just matter-of-fact.

  69. I pretty much broke down with Ted one day and told him that I really need his help to get me to do things that are exercise-y or trying to make better food decisions. It’s kind of an addiction or behavior model that is similar to why alcoholics can’t simply quit or smokers without having that support. A buddy system might help if you have someone that likes to walk in your neighborhood or say around Green Lake. I tend to do stuff when I feel like I’m “on the hook” for something and someone else is holding me accountable.

  70. Red Flashlight: That is so fucking smart.

    Sizzle, I’ve said this before and I really mean it- just do it.

    Flashlight’s right- give in to the self-loathing, learn to accept, or make the effort to change. It’s that simple. Most of life’s opportunities are.

    I empathize with you, Sister. Like everyone else here, I get it, go through it myself. You can overcome. You can overcome. You can overcome.

    And by the way, as you are very pretty, you are so much luckier than those in the world who “have to make the best” of their assets. You’re pretty. You’re lucky in that regard. Work on the rest. You’ll be so much happier. You’ll feel better. Stop the self-defeating behavior. You are worthy. You are.

  71. You. Me. Separated at Birth.
    I’m with you….I spent 8 years as a bulimic trying to achieve that perfect body. Anyone who has dealt with bulimia can tell you that the perfect body remains elusive. Bulimia comes down to being ‘in control’, not so much about getting skinny…most bulimics never achieve that goal. However, I no longer go that route and haven’t in about 15 years now. But I still fight with my body-image, my internal critic, my need for acceptance outside of myself, and my need for love from within myself. It’s hard. I’m 42 years old and have been having this battle for 30 of those years.
    Keep telling yourself positive things about yourself every single day…and know that people love you exactly as you are. They aren’t judging you nearly as harshly as you judge yourself.

  72. Amen, sister. I’m right there with you. Know what needs to be done and how to do it but can’t get off my ass for the life of me. How about if you drag me out of bed every morning and I’ll do the same for you? Deal.

  73. this comment is going to have ‘good’ nerdgirl and a little big of ‘naughty’ nerdgirl … =)

    First of all ‘hug’… we all have things about ourselves we would like to change… you have worked so hard at accepting yourself, I wish you could see yourself as others do – BEAUTIFUL!

    … now I am pretty sure you are a hottie naked just as you are fully clothed but perhaps you should prove it! hehe – that’d be ‘naughty’ nerdgirl!

  74. Wow. I added you to my reader after your guest post over at Jess’s place, and I’ve never been happier with a choice.
    Blogs with authors who speak with such honesty in such eloquent ways are few and far between, and reading this was like a breath of fresh air.
    Just wanted to say that you definitely have a new reader!

  75. you? are me? sort of? i LOVE how to look good naked and i cry almost every episode too. i’m working on the self-acceptance and just appreciating my body as is. why is it so hard?

  76. I’m still fairly new to Sizzle Says, so I am going back and reading old posts. And I know I’ve said this on many of your other posts, but you really could be writing this as myself. I have struggled with my weight my entire life (it also doesn’t help that my entire maternal side of the family is naturally thin…thanks Dad!). After years of emotional eating and self loathing, I turned to ediets and a treadmill. It was amazingly hard and each day, I was dying for a huge hunk of gouda cheese and bread, but I knew it would not ultimately make me happy. I found I adored working out and my eating habits changed. And I lost over 65 pounds. I have gained about 15 or so back, but I’ve never gone back to the girl I was. I still love food and don’t deprive myself (hell, I have a food blog), but I eat in moderation and I exercise. Funny enough, I still see parts of my body I want to change…I poke at parts of my body and pinch pockets of fat. But I think that is all a part of finding that self acceptance. I may have lost the weight, but I still struggle with loving my body every day.

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