Every time I watch How To Look Good Naked, I cry.
I am a sap, yes, but it’s more than that. The women on that show achieve what I never have- acceptance of their body as it is.
This is not a new topic here at Sizzle Says. Honestly, I am sick to death of thinking about it because that’s all I seem to do. THINK. I am proactive in every other area of my life sans one- my body. My mind is running on a treadmill but my body? My body is paralyzed. I cannot get the two to meet and formulate a plan.
So here I am feeling monumentally humiliated by my body, angry at it and me for what it has become, saddened to the deep, dark place inside me, and crushed by the insurmountable guilt of it all. Yes, guilt. Because I am hyper-aware of my disappointment, my inability to measure up, my acute discomfort with living in a body I reject daily. I am my own worst critic and hold a PhD in self-flagellation.
For the past few weeks I have been on a tear, consumed with plotting how and when I will make the leap. I think about getting up to walk, set the alarm, put my shoes out near the door and when the buzzer goes off, I hide. Why? Why do I do this? I do not want to be fat. I know what it takes to not be fat. And yet I continually sabotage myself so I stay fat.
Then the guilt sets in which is often worse than the being fat. Fat I can manage. Guilty and fat? Overwhelming to the point where I just walk around feeling like a failure all day long. It’s miserable. But then I think of how great my life is outside of the fact that I am fat and I feel even guiltier for throwing an internal pity party. I just want to scream at myself: Give me a break, you whiny bitch!
But I can’t seem to get over anything lately.
I have worked extremely hard over the last few years to get to a place where I love myself. I can accept my faults and acknowledge my strengths. I can even let people love me in return without pushing them away. (Okay, I still struggle with that but it’s better than it was.) You could criticize me on a number of things and I would probably bounce back but if anyone ever remarks on my weight, I crumble. It’s the ONE area in my life where I feel like an utter failure so I respond defensively and then I go somewhere and cry. And then the cycle of self-loathing picks up speed.
This post is more for me than it is for you. I needed to say something, anything to try to get unstuck. I am so utterly sick of myself, of feeling like I take up too much space, of feeling like I am an embarrassment to my friends and family, of worrying what people will think of me when they meet me, of limiting myself from living my life to its fullest. . . all because I am fat. Either I need to accept my body as it is right now and move on or I need to make some drastic changes to how I treat my body starting today because I am done mentally berating myself.
Because ultimately, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me. It’s what I think of me that matters most. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile without faking it.