Let. It. Lie.

I am not in a good place. And that is an understatement.

I realize some of this is hormones and some of this is life circumstances but seriously, I am sick of myself. From my bullshit. From my negative self-talk. From my self-fulfilling prophecies. From my rescue complex. From my inability to LET IT LIE.

This is where it gets sticky- having a blog and not being able to blog about what’s happening. Do I tell you some funny anecdote or post a meme or just leave my fat post up for three more days? Because the line between what is happening to me and what is happening to other people is fuzzy. So I try to keep my mouth shut and instead what winds up happening is, I completely shut down.

I’ve been to this place before. Instead of opening up, I clam up. Instead of inviting people in, I close the door. Instead of just taking care of me, I take care of everyone else first and then realize that I’m all fucked up. Oh who am I kidding? I intrinsically know I am fucked up. And I’ve touted it as part of my overall charm.

My sadness and my anger about things that are NOT MINE are causing some sort of internal storm inside me. I have never understood the division between helping someone and enabling them. Thanks to being a child of an alcoholic, the line is very blurry. When I don’t help other people I feel like a big failure. And sometimes when I do help other people, I feel like a giant ass. So most of the time I feel like I just can’t win so why can’t I go live on a remote beach in Mexico selling tacos from a stand on beautiful sandy beach?

See what I did there? I didn’t let it lie.

The thing I need to comprehend is: I am only responsible for me. I think I need to go write that on the chalkboard about 1,000 times.

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81 thoughts on “Let. It. Lie.

  1. I love the When Harry Met Sally reference.

    Your compassion and desire to help other people is a refreshing change from what we tend to see around us. The thing is, girl, ya gotta take care of yourself too! Sometimes stepping back is the best way to help your friend and yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done.

    Oh, if you want to rant anonymously just to get it out of your system, head on over to Dirty Laundry Diva. She frequently has people post rants on her blog anonymously. It might be just what you need!

  2. sometimes taking care of yourself (you know how “they” say we are supposed to “take care of number one!”)i never fully get that, it’s not as easy as it sounds. you have such a big heart and are so nurturing to those around you- remind yourself that YOU deserve that compassion too.

  3. If you want to help others, you need to help yourself first. Don’t forget about you or put you aside to take care of another day. Yes it’s hard to do, but try to keep focusing on you for the time being until you are happy/in a better place. Big, BIG hugs to you.

  4. It’s so hard not to care though, isn’t it? Even when we know we’re supposed to put ourselves firt, it’s just not that easy.

  5. I’m a child of an alcoholic, too and can relate to those lines being blurred. It’s difficult realizing and accepting the fact that you’re only responsible for yourself. You’ve definitely realized it, now all you have to do is believe it! You’re halfway there πŸ™‚

    ::e-squeeze::

  6. The hardest thing for a person who is so used to giving is that you need to learn how to get back. It keeps you balanced. Being surrounded by amazing and supportive people is only helpful you let them be amazing and supportive. Help them help you! Corny Jerry Maguire lines can work sometimes.

    Big hugs!!!!

    πŸ™‚

  7. I’m thinking about you, lady. I hope you can take your own advice and take care of yourself, but also let your loved ones shoulder some of the burden, too.

  8. Well hang in there, ‘k?
    And always feel free to email so I can quote you something uplifting or some random fortune cookie.

    Seriously, things will get better!

  9. Its hard to be the taker when you are a giver. I am the same way and really have to force myself to take a step back and take care of myself. And even when i’m doing something for myself, like staying home to get better yesterday, I ALWAYS feel guilty about it.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sending you massive hugs and positive vibes. xoxoxo

  10. I think writing it on your blog is a pretty good substitute to writing it on a chalkboard. Hang in there. Continue to work on yourself. You will get to a better place.

  11. I’m feeling this too, right now, with stuff that is getting to me and fucking me up but I can’t do anything about because it’s THEIR deal, not mine. If you’d like, we can do a trade: You write yours to me and I’ll never mention a thing and I’ll write mine to you with the same understanding. We could even agree to write it out and then delete the emails when we get them. I’ve had this arrangement with friends before and it’s worked really well. I won’t be offended in any way if you refuse, but the offer is there if you want it.

  12. Wow Sizzle- your post really hit home with me today- I’m not really dealing with my “issue” either (and you know what it is from my email) but rather taking care of everyone else. I feel your pain lady…hang in there! Now I’m off to find a chalkboard…

  13. Props for the WHMS line … I love that movie to death. (“Oh but babyfishmouth is sweeping the nation!”) hah

    Like everyone who left a comment, I am right there with you. Hate taking, love giving but that balance (or lackthereof) leaves me depleted, angry, pissy, sad and with the great desire to sit in my closet in the dark. And like you, I don’t air it on my blog either. But I do write like a fiend in my journal and spout off to my pets and that helps some. Learning to make taking care of YOURself the focus so that you can be there for others is a tough lesson. You’ll get there, though. Trust that you will.

  14. I know you are already a volunteering fool, but I find it very self healing to do a selfless act when I feel this way. Doing something for someone, someone ELSE, someone completely removed. Just shift your focus from the shit and align with something that will remind you of WHY you do nice things. Send an unexpected surprise to someone that you know will appreciate it. This will give your mind a break and a moment to reconfigure the problem. Oh, and if you need someone to be nice too, I’m totally available. I’m a helper like that. πŸ™‚

  15. I seem to get to those points sometimes, too. Those low points. I hate it, because I feel weak. And, my god, I am NOT WEAK. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. And I fight it and fight it. But, you know, that just really doesn’t help me in the end. What seems to help, though, is letting the things and people that can help me in. Letting them in enough to let that weak, vulnerable feeling actually turn into strength. Then, you can let those things that don’t help go a little more.
    And I don’t necessarily mean on the blog, ’cause rarely do I go there myself. Just in general. It takes a lot of practice, but it feels good.

  16. I’ll sell tacos with you in Mexico, if you are looking for company.

    What’s the matter with me?
    Nothing.
    I’m difficult.
    You’re challenging.
    I’m too structured, I’m completely closed off.
    But in a good way.

  17. What is in the air right now?? I have had a lot of the same feelings over different things…and ended up taking a break. Next week I only plan to post when I have something positive to say, and if I don’t, then no posting. Not to punish myself, but to try really hard to focus on the good and not fall into a self-pitying, self-loathing vicious circle.
    Take some time to care for yourself. I always miss you when you don’t blog, but we will be here when you are ready. Self-care is a wonderful thing…and I know you would tell me the same. πŸ˜‰

  18. Hugs, Sizzle…Let it out and let it lie. I too have helper/enabler issues. It just means you’re a good person. I wouldn’t be afraid of blogging out your issues. You’ve got a great support system here and we’ll be there for you!

  19. Let it all out Sizzle. We all go through this crap and we always come out of it and smile again.
    Let yourself fall in love with now, as it is without trying to change any of it. Easier said than done, but well woth the effort. Big hugs
    darling one.

  20. Welcome to my brain!! There are so many right beside you on this one. If there is any comfort to be had it is that you are not alone. Crazy brain is my daily struggle but I take it one day at a time and in the morning I “usually” wake up and think what I am grateful for and what I have in my life and that does help to get me off on the right foot for the day. I say usually because when I don’t do it I can really tell the difference in me and my attitude. We got your back – Hugs

  21. Hi, you know I know exactly what you’re going through, on every conceivable level. And we should probably just start an anonymous blog together where we can unleash and use lots of vulgarity, and then, you know, talk about things we’re actually feeling.

    Also, I want to swoop you up and smother you with hugs.

    πŸ™‚

  22. I don’t know the situation that is hurting you, but if you feel the need to shut up so much– just remember, there’s nothing wrong with being a loving caring person. You have a good heart. That’s a positive, not a negative. πŸ™‚

  23. This happened to me when my sister was going through a divorce and I did not want to talk about it on my blog. It was very hard to just keep on talking about everything else as if nothing was happening. If you want to vent, you know my contact info.

  24. Ugh…At about the same place. Sick of myself, sick of my job, sick of my life…The only exception being my husband — he is pretty grand and about the only thing I count as a positive at this point.

  25. Hey, if you figure out how not to feel responsible for everyone else, could you let us know too?

    I’m an oldest of three, and the perpetualy reliable fixer. For a LOT of not so great reasons.

    I still have a hard time not trying to fix things, even when I’m telling people to back off and let me fix my own stuff by myself. Which would be the mode I’m currently in, except I’m thinking about Canada.

    I don’t do heat.

    Hope things settle down for you soon.

  26. Yeah, sometimes you just have to not give a sh*t, as hard as that can be. You can’t change anyone or anything but your own attitude.

  27. A woman in my office (who is such a gentle soul and a reiki practitioner) just said to me:

    “This too shall pass.”

    (I was in near tears about how difficult my puppy is being).

    They’re sage words. Allow yourself to feel and know it won’t be this way forever.

    xoxo

  28. Today I actually googled small towns in England and Honduras. I could sell coffee in a hut and be happy with my simple life (except I couldn’t and wouldn’t be happy with that life….or would I?).

    I’m hoping happy times are right around the corner for you. Sometimes you just need to wallow in it for a bit.

  29. From one “fixer” to another:

    I think there are certain times when it’s best to let the internal storm brew, and to be introspective. This might be one of them for you.

    I hope you find clarity on how to deal with this situation. I hope this all passes soon and you feel better.

  30. I am hesitant to write super personal stuff and open up as well… it’s like I trust myself to help other people, but not to help me.

  31. I have no words of wisdom for you. Growing up the child of dysfunctional parents puts one at a disadvantage for coping with everyday life, including it’s pitfalls. Life is not smooth sailing, it’s not always easy. The coping mechanisms for these events having been left out of the mental toolbox is not fair to us or sometimes those around us. All I can say is hang in there and keep trying to set your boundaries. Slow down and listen to yourself and do your best not to be that sponge for other people’s problems. (sorry, today was therapy thursday and I feel like I say too much or too little or never the right thing or the words just won’t come out right. That sloppy mess is just me wishing better for you) /end

  32. i have to remember the same thing, take care of myself when i really need it as opposed to helping everyone else first. you can do it sizzle πŸ™‚

  33. As someone who has spent a long time with the therapist on topics like these–I can only tell you what she tells me. Give yourself a break. You can only control you and that needs to be the most important thing. If you feel good, you will bring good things into your life.

    And you are awesome! Totally awesome!

    Let me know if you want to talk,
    j

  34. I am also just a helper, then when I take a second and look at me I usually break down feeling like shit, feeling run down, feeling empty and unhealthy. It’s like an addiction to helping out. I help everyone else.
    I really feel I do understand this frame of mind. I don’t know what to say to “help” you through it. I’m a helper yo! But that you should know that others understand that feeling of helplessness from wanting to help everyone, then looking within and feeling nothing but shit shit and more shit.

    For me it’s hard to let things be. I want it to be my life motto, it is SUCH a struggle!

    I wish you all the growth you deserve. You are a giver and it’s usually hard for givers to receive, as though they feel ungrateful. You are deserving, you are a wonderful woman from what I read here.

  35. I hit this point all the freaking time.

    It is also usually when I step in the middle of internet drama that I spend the next month trying to extract myself from.

    And? I hear you on the writing thing. I did the exact same thing myself just today. (And what I keep trying to explain to people in regards to the “negative” parts of having people actually read your blog.)

    I love your guts. Even more after this week.

  36. There was one point in my life, last winter, when I could not write about what was going on in my life, because I had to respect the privacy of others involved. It’s the first time I had ever had something so bad happen, where I could not express myself. I had to take a month hiatus from my blog, because there was nothing I could say, I was so miserable and it was such a tough time.

    That time has passed and I do not regret taking hiatus, rather than trying to pretend.

  37. I just had a similar conversation with my roommate two nights ago, we stayed up til 4 in the morning talking about it. About her family problems, about her relationship with her boyfriend, about how she doesn’t need to feel bad about going to work in Thailand for a few months because it’s something that she’s finally doing for HERSELF. But it’s hard for her, there’s a thin line for her too. But you know, if we don’t take of ourselves (and after all, who knows us better than ourselves?) who will?? The people that you love, they will understand. They will, in their heart of hearts, know that you are not selfish, that you are doing what needs to be done. Even if they are hurt or upset in the moment. But they’ll understand with time, and you know that’s the price we pay for love and I think that in the end, it’s worth it. I hope you feel better Sizzly, with whatever it is that’s going on.

  38. Something that never ceases to amaze me is how many people love reading your blog for your honesty.

    I happen to enjoy it for my own selfish reasons; you and I share the same dislike for our own skins. Why can’t we be comfortable in our own skins even when others accept and embrace us?

    Some day, I will visit you and we will talk about how we can’t let our own pessimistic viewpoints rule our lives.

    Today, I am thinking of you and what a stellar person you are for just being you.

    How can I be as awesome as you? Oh yeah…be myself!

    Hugs if you’ll take em Sizz. Nothing but ❀ for you.

  39. I had my own company as a life/career coach for a number of years and did workshops all over the world, and there are a couple of things that work for me… The first recognizing your “circle of influence” and “circle of concern”(They are from Stephen Covey and you can google them for more details) but basically, in your circle of concern are things you might worry about or things that bother you but they are also things you have no control over – such as other people’s shit. Then there is the circle of influence. That is where you do have influence and where you can help/change/etc… Most people spend the majority of their time in the circle of concern and that leads to frustration as there is absolutely nothing you can do except, well, get frustrated. So, before you commit yourself and your level of involvement (emotional, physical, financial, whatever) figure out which circle it is in. If you can influence it, then decide how you will influence it and if it is worth influencing in the first place… The second little piece is realizing that everything is a choice. It may not seem that way, but it is. And when “bad” things happen that are not a choice, then the choice is how to deal with it. Do you wallow, do you scream, do you do yoga and relax, do you write, get revenge, do something else? When you realize that everything is a choice – even the things that don’t seem like they are – then you realize you can choose to say no. You can choose to take care of yourself. You can choose to make whatever changes and live your life in any way possible. I am not at all saying it is easy (nor do I manage to do it as often as I should… I also wallow and stand in front of the mirror ripping myself to shreds and get involved in things that don’t even have a speck of anything to do with me)… Sorry for rambling, but these things have helped me out…If you would like more details or recommendations of books I have found very helpful, then just drop me an email and let me know…

  40. The helping/enabling line is a bitch. One I fear I will be dealing with forever. I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

  41. You have quite a following here and it’s easy to see why! I came here via Kim at ilaxSTUDIO. I just wrote on a friend’s blog that I was envious that she was able to be “herself”. Whereas, me… I can be so down in the dumps and if someone came to my door I would instantly light up so as not to burden them with my problems. I stuff my feelings and go out of my way to help everyone else and I end up hurting myself because feel really shitty sometimes…. I am working on just being my authentic self; not pretending for anyone. I’m not going to walk around crying for sure, but I just want to pay attention to me for a change and see how that feels? I hope you are feeling better soon. You have great content here and the design is so perky and pretty!

  42. I can completely relate at the moment. Just recently something happened that I couldn’t blog about because it was someone else’s fuck-up but it effected me so much my posts went spiralling down into some mad self-analysis thing and I just wish I could go back and delete them all. In the end I just moved away from the computer, sorted my head out (as best I could) and came back promising not to let it get to me again. Only problem was the fuck-up got fucked up even more … And I still can’t say why or why it’s affected me so much!

    *big hugs*

  43. We are all alll f*cked up, aren’t we? Especially when we have blurred lines. You know what my favorite expression is? … “F*ck it.” And I know its blunt, I know its unattractive to say … but it works. Its to the point, its the bloody truth.

    I feel those who are intellegent have the ability to see the honesty in life, those who are intellegent unfortunately suffer the most. You are an intellegent, beautiful woman and how could you not be ultra sensitive to it all? I hope the love here gives you strength to say “f*ck it” and write. You are truly loved and now its time to fall back inlove with yourself. Sizzle, I have to personally thank you. XOXO

  44. Ugh, I know how hard it is to step away from being the person you describe…the caregiver, the fixer, the emotional sponge. And saying that you have to take care of you doesn’t make it any easier for you to do that. So instead, I’m just going to send you a whole lot of courage and positive vibes and warm hugs and maybe a little chocolate on the side…:O) Hang in there.

  45. Ugh, that “only responsible for myself” thing is such a hard one to nail down, isn’t it. My therapist taught me the “keep your own side of the street clean” quote, and I find myself trying to remember it ALL the time.

    I hope that writing helps you process some of this. I know that frustrating feeling of paralysis. Good for you for trying to get a little of it out on here. Let your faithful readers know if there’s anything we can do to help. And treat yourself to a pedicure this weekend. πŸ™‚

  46. I am just the child of a child of an alcoholic, and I’m still sick of myself and periodically lose myself when trying to be useful. Also, I have all these guilt issues about having mostly functional parents, since my parents did not.

    Good thing I have a vacation to Mexico planned soon.

  47. “The thing I need to comprehend is: I am only responsible for me.” This is brilliant. Now if only we could manage to figure out how to do it, we’d be golden!

  48. Hope things go better. I don’t know what you are going through, but what I have learned about the alcoholism thing is that, try as I might, I cannot make anyone NOT destroy themselves or NOT decide to drink, I can just control how I react. As much as it hurts to turn your back on someone it will kill you to watch them continue to fall apart. Their choice though, not yours. Not sure what is up, but times like this suck, but you are strong and you will make it through…from one internalizer to another.

  49. It’s so interesting how we (you) KNOW what to do, but somehow can’t seem to do it. WHY WHY WHY is that?! I suffer greatly from the same. WHY WHY WHY???!

  50. This might interest you Sizzle– Just yesterday I was hit a double whammy on both my fears, of Judgement and of Humiliating Mistake. I immediately went into a spiral downward, and because beating myself up wasn’t enough? I had to go to bed and pull the covers over my head for an hour! OY. πŸ˜› When we have to face those kinds of things, it is just a killer to feel so stupid!

    Anyone else could forgive themselves for stupid little stuff, but us? Uh-uh, no way! We need to work on that. I think it is the teeter-totter of Validation. Self-Judgement sucks.

  51. “Thanks to being a child of an alcoholic” ~ You tend to remind us of this a lot. I am a child of someone mean. But I don’t need to remind anyone of it as I already lived in and don’t dwell in it. Time in life is far too short!

  52. I have never understood the division between helping someone and enabling them.

    Coming from a seriously enmeshed family upbringing, I know what you mean.

    It’s been a really difficult lesson to learn that the “help” I provide can actually be harmful to me or others, even if neither of us want to see it. And it’s been even harder to give up my long-held certainty that I was such a good helper that I could instantly know and give people the kinds of help they needed–as well as my certainty that of course ALL people needed and wanted my help.

    But I’ll tell you what; when I can get past all that and do manage to just take care of me, things get a lot lighter. And funnily, many people around me I was enabling actually do better with me helping me rather than me focusing on them. My relationships with these people have improved immensely by just stepping the hell back, instead of always rushing forward, offering safety nets or olive branches. Who knew.

    Anyway, I’m sorry for any pain you’re experiencing, and I hope very much that it is short lived.

  53. I have felt this way at times, and need to remind myself of the same thing on occasion. I hope things clear up for you, for them, for anything and everything soon…

  54. I don’t know the situation you are going through BUT wow, it sounds so much like feelings I feel. I tend to shut down rather than open up. I also can’t post much of what I really feel because my SO reads my blog…. Hugs.

  55. Emotions are sometimes inexplicable, plaguing devils. Don’t let your’s win. Rise up and grab a hold of a brand new day my friend. ((hugs))

  56. If you end up selling tacos in Mexico….I’M COMING WITH YOU!

    I agree….You need to go write on that chalkboard lady and LET IT LIE!

    FYI…I’m baaaaaaaaack. =D

  57. Wish I had some magic answer to share. I don’t know that I do, unless it is just this – that you seem like an awfully special person, with many people rooting for you, and I hope that you can take some comfort in that.

  58. in those moments when you are sickest of yourself, please think on the darling darlings who love you best and realize that they, in their colective wisdom, can’t ALL be wrong – you are supremely loveable, deliciously irrepressible and ultimately only responsible for cultivating the delightful spirit that is YOU.

  59. I do not know what your situation is, but I DO know that you are far more brilliant that you give yourself credit for. I can relate to so much of this- the child of an alcoholic helping more than they should, the shutting down, the trying to control, or help things you can’t help or control. Please know that I’m thinking of you and wishing you well. It sounds like you are in a challenging place, but I have no doubt that you will overcome. Even by talking about it (even if you can’t go into details) is a great step. As someone who shuts down, I know how hard that can be to share what’s going on, so good for you for doing it.

  60. Hey girl, I am with you on this one… there have been so many times I thought of having an anonymous blog so I could write a little more freely! Ill tell ya’ what, you sell the tacos, I’ll sell the margaritas… see you and the fella in Mexico~ =)

  61. I’m so sorry that you have all of this weighing on you. I think it is sweet that you are so sensitive to other’s situations. It is probably one of those things that is a gift and a curse at the same time. I hope you can find a good balance soon. xoxo

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