Writing A New Story

Fractures have erupted in many of the relationships I idolize. Broken hearts split wide open to expose acute and tangible sorrow and soul-searching confusion. In the wake, I’ve watched from the sidelines, inadequately supporting and honestly, wondering if it is worth it- this whole love business. Because if these people that I love and respect and look up to can’t make it work, how in the hell will I?

It’s a running joke of sorts – me and my seeming inability to stay in romantic relationships past six months. I’m sure the fact that I keep telling people I’m not good at love plays a large role in why things don’t work out. If you walk around telling people a story about yourself, after a while, you’ll start to believe it. And it will become true. After years of therapy I can dissect myself thoroughly enough to tell you the whys and hows and whats of it.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there’s always cups in the sink?
What if I’m not what you think I am?

There’s the fear of the relationship not working. That we’ll try and get bored with one another. That we’ll grow apart and I’ll watch it happen, paralyzed. That I won’t be enough.

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

There’s the nagging worry that I might let myself love too deeply and it won’t be returned in kind. That someone new and better (and thinner and funnier) will come along and steal his heart away. That I won’t be able to let my guard down to really be a partner in relationship. That my controlling nature will get the best of me. And the worst of him.

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

There’s the trepidation that I will someday stop trying. Trying to see the bright side. Trying to live my life to the fullest. Trying to strive for greatness. Trying to love him the most and the best.

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I’ll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.

Then there’s the panic of having children. . . or of not having children. Of parenting alongside someone and sharing that kind of epic responsibility. The thoughts of losing him or them. I cannot bear that thought. Can I put someone else before me in a healthy way? Or will I lose me?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

I am giving up.
I am giving up.
I am giving up on greener grasses.

But there comes a time when I have to take a risk. A risk to fail, to win, to live, to love. A time to give up the bullshit story replete with tragedy and pessimism and failure. A time to write a new story with a happy ending.

I am giving up for you.
I am giving up for you.
I am giving up.

I’m giving it up. For you.

*Thank you, Ingrid Michaelson, for writing this song.

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62 thoughts on “Writing A New Story

  1. Ok that made me cry. But I know all those feelings, and you know THIS moment, the one you have now with the Fella is so much better than all those that came before and that giving up the bad thoughts is SO VERY MUCH worth it.

  2. I can relate to every fear you wrote… the ‘what ifs’ are so scary because there are no guarantees and if you’re like me… you WANT and NEED guarantees. Especially where your heart is concerned. Be good to yourself, Ms. Sizzle and let all the worrying and negative thoughts go.

  3. Oh my gosh that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read!
    I’m an “old married woman” now but can relate 150% to your feelings. I married my love at 36 and he was worth the wait – had daugher #1 at 38 and daughter #2 at 40. The wonderful thing about feeling apprehensive is that when you do finally let go and commit your heart 100% you never take that for granted and your relationship will keep getting stronger, more beautiful. I wish you and the Fella the very best !

  4. I like the new story.

    I was just like you… always with the self-doubt. Finally I found a man who saw through it and made me change MY story… is worth it. Every minute.

  5. So sweetly written. I’ve had the same feelings and fears. I think you’ve captured what a lot of people feel or go through.

    Again, so sweet.

  6. *sniffle*
    The boy and I have been hitting a rough patch that I’ve purposely totally avoided blogging or talking about.
    This post made me feel good. For us and for you, too. 🙂

  7. I believe the phrase goes: A life lived in fear is not a life lived at all.

    Or maybe Zapata’s war cry of “Better to die on your feet then live on your knees” works here better. :o)

    Well either way, Sizz, you are your own goddess, except it, embrace it, yeah for those that get it and rejoice with you in your beauty, and fie to those that don’t.

    PS – I’m one of those rejoicing in your beauty, btw. Just sayin’ :o)

  8. Aw, that was incredible. And I was holding it together (almost) until I got to Fella’s comment, then I lost it.

    Beautiful tribute to what seems to be an incredible relationship.

    *sniffle*

  9. Awww. And one more thing. Please get out of my head. Actually, I’m just happy to see that one of us seems to be able to get past all that crap in our heads. I gave up long ago.

  10. What a beautiful post. You so plainly put out there the fears that so many of us share. True love has a way of superceding all these things and it very simply just is. You are a fantastic example of real love. Congratulations to you both.

  11. I am all choked up…not wordless mind you, so I just want to say, GAH!! (hugs) You scared me for more than a minute, I don’t mind saying, but the end result is worth the wait. Seeing his face, as you kissed his cheek–yes.

    Listen, I have been with my mate for 26yrs, and still I have fears occasionally come calling. We’ll fight, life will be bumpy because of some stupid work thing or whatever…but we always make sure we take the time to remember we love each other. Always always take time for those little kisses, and the love will stay with you.

  12. Perfect.

    Honest and perfect.

    For the first time I am going through the divorce of close friends…It has rattled me pretty deeply and made me question things that, in all honesty, need not be questioned at the moment.

  13. I’m going through similar anxieties now about something new and I want to thank you for this post. I cannot tell you how good it feels to know others have these same worries and thoughts…it really gives me hope.

  14. I am so happy you have let go and can enjoy this time. I am hopeful that when my time comes, I will be as brave as you.

  15. I’m glad I’m not the only one who teared up upon reading this. Fella is so lucky to have you. I’m so going to download Ingrid Michaelson’s CD now, too. Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us.

  16. Now there is the ending I was looking for. I learned a long time ago to just enjoy the ride. I could have and used to worry about all of that, but then I didn’t enjoy the ride while it was happening.

  17. Sizz – this was absolutely beautiful. I’m so happy for you – for finding your soulmate, for being able to let go of past hurts to enable you to move forward this time around, and for sharing your thoughts. The Fella is one lucky fella 🙂 Sending big hugs your way…

  18. Awww you are such an adorable couple! I just want to snuggle you both to bits!
    Have faith Sizzle! In you, in him and in the pair of you. I just so desperately want you to have the “Happily ever after” :o)

  19. I’m glad you’re giving up the BS. It’s something I’ve had to do. I always worry. It’s my nature to be cynical. But you have to live for now. Enjoy what you’ve got right there with you holding your hand.

    The Fella is a lucky man. I wish you both all the best.

  20. yes.
    sometimes in the middle everything and nothing, the release comes, in a form we never expect.
    a gift to both of you.
    love and hugs.

  21. I just love the expression on The Fella’s face.

    Love, contentment, happiness, trust … it’s all in his face. There’s not a taut muscle or flinch or anything!

    See, he loves you because you’re you.

    Awe.some.

  22. I didn’t read through all the comments, but I’m sure I’m not the first person to tear up while reading this today.
    It was, for a sad lack of better words, very good. 🙂

  23. Great post… And one I totally understand.

    Two days after starting to date my now-husband? I told him, “I don’t do relationships. I can’t make them work. This is destined to not be long-term, since nothing ever is with me…”

    Yeah. Um. So.

    Sometimes, verbalizing what you are at the moment can help you change to what you want to be… And sometimes, the right person can help with that change. At least, that’s how it happened for me…

  24. And by “you” you mean ME?!?

    OMG! I feel so special! I had no idea! I mean… I know you like me and everything (how could you not?)… but this is fantastic!

    How are we going to break the news to Mighty Hunter?

  25. Ohhhh! That spiked my soul with sweetness! That was beautiful! I am so happy for you and the fella!

    The war is over, surrendering to love is the hardest move to make. But, you did it!

  26. {sniff}
    {sniff}
    That post has summed up 95% of my mental illness over the past year with DC.

    Seriously.

    If I fall in love, what if I let him break my heart?

    On hormonal days, I cry. Sometimes I freeze up.

    Then I throw my hands in the air, close my eyes and just let it slide, and feel the wind in my face and the exitement of what it is and could be.

    WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  27. Daniel and I each could have written this post 6 years ago. We even told each other we didn’t do relationships, but we had to reevaluate that when we were wanting to spend every waking and sleeping moment together – and look at us now! 🙂

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