Letter To A Friend

The other day our mutual friend texted me, asking for your new work number. I didn’t even know you had a job. It’s been weeks since our last exchange. I told him we aren’t speaking. He had no idea.

For the record, I hate that we aren’t speaking.

I went to the movies yesterday with my Mom. She moved here a couple of weeks ago- it’s strange to me that you don’t know that or that you weren’t there when she arrived. The movie was The Women (which wasn’t that great but that’s beside the point) and there is a scene where Meg Ryan is talking to Annette Benning after a long separation in their friendship and she is going on about how it feels like phantom limb syndrome to be without someone who is important to you.

I knew what she meant.

Because despite all the disappointments and troubles in our relationship these last few years, you are the one I wanted to lean on. The one I wanted to call to tell every nuance of some ridiculous situation or to invite over to de-fuzz our sweaters on a Friday night. You were the one who made me crack up until tears came down my face. You were the one, despite us being opposite in so many ways, who knew me and loved me no matter what.

I miss sharing my life with you. I miss hearing how you are and spending time with you. Of course I worry about your well being but more than that I just miss our friendship. That friendship that started 21 years ago when two dorks in Catholic School uniforms met. That friendship that has survived long periods of not talking and longer periods of talking every day. That friendship that was the cornerstone to me.

I think about picking up the phone every day but I don’t call. It’s hard to admit that maybe I am not the right person to have by your side right now. I feel like a failure as your friend.

The hardest part of loving someone is giving them the space they need when they need it. I hope I am doing the right thing. But just know, I think about you every day and miss you.

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50 thoughts on “Letter To A Friend

  1. I could copy and paste this letter verbatim and have it apply to me. The other day when my poor little car was hit, there was only one person I wanted to call. Sadly, it isn’t a person that I can call anymore. It amazes me, really, that nearly two years since I’ve seen him face to face and one year since I’ve spoken to him on the phone, the need to talk is still so strong. I miss the friendship so much but, as friends keep reminding me, sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last a lifetime. That’s hard to accept though.

  2. Friendships are such a weird thing in adulthood. It amazes me how people you thought would be there forever are not for some reason. Or people you thought you would NEVER be friends with suddenly are the people you go out with on a Saturday night. It’s sad when long friendships end. I would definitely feel like I was missing a limb if I lost my best friend.

  3. I have a friend-issue/situation and I know how tough it can be. I don’t think you should blame yourself, since it takes two to tango. Sometimes this is just the way life rolls.

  4. That was beautiful. It’s hard to mourn the death of a friendship, and even moreso when the friend hasn’t died, because there’s the feeling it doesn’t have to be final. You can either mourn for a long time, or have your heart on a rollercoaster – it’s your choice. Only you can decide which way is right for you, and that can change as you go through different periods of your life. I’m sorry you miss your friend.

  5. This is *exactly* the feeling – the phantom limb. I’m a firm believer that people can come and go in and out of our lives, and that sometimes things are even better that way. Maybe this will happen for you two down the line, Sizz.

  6. It is very sad when a friendship ends. You go through a modified grieving process that seems to pop back up knowing that your friend is still out there.

    I hope that you find peace in your heart as it is not an easy situation.

  7. You are doing the right thing Sizzle.
    And this beautiful letter to your friend is proof that she is very lucky to have you in her corner.
    Hang in there.

  8. I went through a similar situation a few years ago with a friend. It was incredibly painful, but the separation then made us stronger now. For years I would write her letters that I never sent and we would meet up in my dreams, but that was it. It was heartbreaking, but had to happen to get to where we are today.

    I hope your separation is only temporary and that temporary is short rather than long.

  9. I’m sorry you’re going thru this.
    My best friend always says that relationship is the hardest work ever!
    I know about not speaking with my friend for 9 months and it hurts, so I can relate to you.
    Hope this is just for a short period of time…
    Hugs to you!

  10. Oh, man. I sure know what you mean…and for that matter, what Meg Ryan meant by the Phantom Limb Syndrome. I guess that’s why I still talk about things like my old friendship…and why I guess, I feel my own limitations and flaws keep us apart.

    When you have a friend who cares but does not understand you? I think this is what happens, and we have to take the hit of loss. The thing is, we feel it everyday, even in some little way.:-(
    *hugs*

  11. I know how heavily this must weigh on your heart. But life brings us back to the people we’re meant to know, and maybe that’s what will happen with you two. The shame is the time we must wait in between, I suppose.

  12. I have a life long friend who I’ve danced this dance with several times in our relationship. It hasn’t always been easy but we always find a way back to each other and for that I am grateful!

  13. I spent nearly 4 years estranged from a friend who had been like a sister to me. Circumstances, differing views, jealousy and misunderstandings tore us apart to the point where I would actually avoid running into her by hiding if necessary. It was a sad and lonely time for both of us, but we healed. She is a surrogate aunt to my kids, my sister again. This April I’ll be in her wedding. You’ll get through this… it just might take time.

  14. Awww, Sizzle…this made me cry at work. I ended a friendship last night that wasn’t good for me and I know I will be experiencing what you are feeling and it’s going to be wicked painful.

    Do you know if she reads your blog? At least she will know you are thinking of her.

  15. This must be really hard for you! It is so hard to want to be someones friend and not know how at the moment. I’m sorry you have to feel like this.

  16. The ups and downs of friendship can be a bitch, aren’t they? I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this with someone who is obviously very important to you. *big hug*

  17. Alcoholism is a bitch ain’t she?

    Know that right now, this is the best thing for you until she deals with this demon and sees it for what it is. It’s a bitch and a half and it hurts. The right step in the dance is the one you’re doing. (To paraphrase your original post.)

    Hang in there.

  18. I am where you are and I hurt for you…for all of us. It is so much harder to be a real friend and do and say the things that need to be done and said when the easier thing would be to just go with the flow. But then your “friend” would only really be an “acquaintance” and none of it would truly matter anyway.

    You did the right thing, even if it is a little hard to see that through your tears and swollen eyes. Hang in there.

  19. You are a braver, better friend than she can possibly know right now. Cross-country hugs, and I hope she is the person you know and love again, soon.

  20. The worst breakups in my life have been not with boyfriends but with friends. I was pragmatic enough to realize that boyfriends come and go, but I thought (still think) that friendships last forever, so long as I can pour enough into them. Enough time, enough love, enough compassion, enough forgiveness.

    Apparently, that’s not how it works, though. Huh.

  21. Life would be so much better if we could just wave a magic wand and help our friends.

    I have a strained friendship, though for a far less serious reason, and it bothers me a lot. I wish your friend the best.

  22. When I moved from CA to PA, my BFF took a 20-year relationship and pretty much flushed it down the toilet.

    I don’t think it was my moving so far away that ended a great kinship. I do think, however, that the main cause of our relationship demise was the fact that I introduced her daughter (she was 21 at the time) to her husband (who is 14 years her senior).

    Her daughter and husband have been married for 8 years now and are happier than two pigs in a mud hole. And my BFF and her husband totally love the guy who married their daughter. But I suspect there might be some hard feelings or something related to that.

    I miss her laughter, her idiosyncrasies, her presence in my life. I’ve tried to keep the lines of communication open but to no avail.

    It saddens me beyond belief.

  23. One of your commenters said how weird friendships are when you’re an adult and I have to totally agree. I hope that you two can sort things out again. If it brings you any hope: this year I started up a really good friendship with someone who was my best friend between the ages of 3 and 10. And we still click together just like we used to. Things can work out good ๐Ÿ™‚

  24. I don’t know what happened that you can’t call your friend of 21 years anymore… but unless she told you she doesn’t want you in her life anymore, pick up the phone!!! NOW!

  25. I think I need to do one of these too. Even though I feel like I’ve laid myself bare more times than I can count… but I guess I’m just not willing to give up yet.

  26. You just said, perfectly, a lot of what I’m feeling about a friend who seems to have time in her life for everyone and everything but me, her best friend. Thanks for saying it for me. *hugs*

    And I’m off to find tissues… Want me to bring you back one?

  27. This could have been written by me. My best friend from high school and I stopped speaking 2 years ago, and it was because she needed space after a series of events that she went through…I think of her every, and I wrote to her after we graduated college, but it’s empty sometimes. I think about her almost every day.

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