The other day our mutual friend texted me, asking for your new work number. I didn’t even know you had a job. It’s been weeks since our last exchange. I told him we aren’t speaking. He had no idea.
For the record, I hate that we aren’t speaking.
I went to the movies yesterday with my Mom. She moved here a couple of weeks ago- it’s strange to me that you don’t know that or that you weren’t there when she arrived. The movie was The Women (which wasn’t that great but that’s beside the point) and there is a scene where Meg Ryan is talking to Annette Benning after a long separation in their friendship and she is going on about how it feels like phantom limb syndrome to be without someone who is important to you.
I knew what she meant.
Because despite all the disappointments and troubles in our relationship these last few years, you are the one I wanted to lean on. The one I wanted to call to tell every nuance of some ridiculous situation or to invite over to de-fuzz our sweaters on a Friday night. You were the one who made me crack up until tears came down my face. You were the one, despite us being opposite in so many ways, who knew me and loved me no matter what.
I miss sharing my life with you. I miss hearing how you are and spending time with you. Of course I worry about your well being but more than that I just miss our friendship. That friendship that started 21 years ago when two dorks in Catholic School uniforms met. That friendship that has survived long periods of not talking and longer periods of talking every day. That friendship that was the cornerstone to me.
I think about picking up the phone every day but I don’t call. It’s hard to admit that maybe I am not the right person to have by your side right now. I feel like a failure as your friend.
The hardest part of loving someone is giving them the space they need when they need it. I hope I am doing the right thing. But just know, I think about you every day and miss you.