“I can tell you are irritated. I’ve known you for twenty years!” she yelled at me in hallway as we stood there in our pajamas on the final day of her visit.
“I’m not irritated at YOU except that you keep fucking asking about it,” I spat back.
“You were being short with me and that feels passive aggressive. I am here. If you want to talk, you can yell, scream, cry, whatever.” She meant it. I knew she meant it. You don’t go twenty years knowing a person and not know that.
“I don’t want to. I don’t have the time.”
That’s what I said to her.
I don’t have the time.
That’s what I’ve been doing a lot of lately- saying “I don’t have the time.” Sure, time is limited and I am feeling crunched and raw and pissy but seriously, if I’m feeling that edgy, I HAVE TO MAKE THE TIME.
So, I’m thinking about scheduling a breakdown. Thanksgiving week has some openings. I’m taking the week off anyhow since I have to work every Sunday in November. Might as well put that free time to good use and just fall into a hole so I can crawl back out again, reborn. It wouldn’t be the first time. Doubt it will be the last. Because sometimes you have to hit bottom to bounce back.
I suppose that sounds sort of self-pitying. I’m suffering from bouts of that and I’m not proud of it. I’ve been short-tempered and distant with people I care about. I get home after working 10-12 hour days and can’t fathom holding a conversation. My replacement has not been hired yet. We offered the job to someone but she asked for a week to give us her answer (so she can interview elsewhere). Call me cynical but that does not bode well. Come Friday we might be starting the whole process over again, only accelerated.
I don’t know how much longer I can do two positions at work and not lose my shit. I can’t do either of them well which, by my perfectionist standards, is completely unacceptable. It’s not like you can just cease management of a large volunteer pool. These are people. They require attention. And it’s not like I can reschedule three fundraisers in November because it’s inconvenient with the hiring process. This is just how life is right now. I’m bucking up. I’m dealing. With a side of bitchy.
I hope it’s just the lack of time that’s the problem because if it’s just that then I will get better eventually. When I have more time I will be able to rest, to unwind, to recharge, to socialize. If it’s not then I have bigger issues to face.
I can’t think about that right now. I’ll think about that tomorrow. Or maybe, in December.