Scheduling a Breakdown

“I can tell you are irritated. I’ve known you for twenty years!” she yelled at me in hallway as we stood there in our pajamas on the final day of her visit.

“I’m not irritated at YOU except that you keep fucking asking about it,” I spat back.

“You were being short with me and that feels passive aggressive. I am here. If you want to talk, you can yell, scream, cry, whatever.” She meant it. I knew she meant it. You don’t go twenty years knowing a person and not know that.

“I don’t want to. I don’t have the time.”

That’s what I said to her.

I don’t have the time.

That’s what I’ve been doing a lot of lately- saying “I don’t have the time.” Sure, time is limited and I am feeling crunched and raw and pissy but seriously, if I’m feeling that edgy, I HAVE TO MAKE THE TIME.

So, I’m thinking about scheduling a breakdown. Thanksgiving week has some openings. I’m taking the week off anyhow since I have to work every Sunday in November. Might as well put that free time to good use and just fall into a hole so I can crawl back out again, reborn. It wouldn’t be the first time. Doubt it will be the last. Because sometimes you have to hit bottom to bounce back.

I suppose that sounds sort of self-pitying. I’m suffering from bouts of that and I’m not proud of it. I’ve been short-tempered and distant with people I care about. I get home after working 10-12 hour days and can’t fathom holding a conversation. My replacement has not been hired yet. We offered the job to someone but she asked for a week to give us her answer (so she can interview elsewhere). Call me cynical but that does not bode well. Come Friday we might be starting the whole process over again, only accelerated.

I don’t know how much longer I can do two positions at work and not lose my shit. I can’t do either of them well which, by my perfectionist standards, is completely unacceptable. It’s not like you can just cease management of a large volunteer pool. These are people. They require attention. And it’s not like I can reschedule three fundraisers in November because it’s inconvenient with the hiring process. This is just how life is right now. I’m bucking up. I’m dealing. With a side of bitchy.

I hope it’s just the lack of time that’s the problem because if it’s just that then I will get better eventually. When I have more time I will be able to rest, to unwind, to recharge, to socialize. If it’s not then I have bigger issues to face.

I can’t think about that right now. I’ll think about that tomorrow. Or maybe, in December.

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55 thoughts on “Scheduling a Breakdown

  1. Sizz, scheduling a breakdown is completely acceptable. You have way too much on your plate and you need to be able to control some aspect of something. So schedule it, look forward to it, and when you come out of it you will feel better.
    *Hugs*

  2. Ma’am we all need a moment to rant, cry, yell, snark. It keeps us from going around like the proverbial time bomb.

    When you get the chance, have your breakdown and recover. I can almost guarantee you’ll feel beetter after.

    *hugs*

    – Kendall

  3. You will be ok. I know you know that, but I am telling you anyway because maybe you are like me and only believe it when someone else tells you. Take it one day at a time and hopefully soon it will be much much better. I will be thinking good peaceful thoughts for you!

    The scheduling a breakdown thing? Something I would totally do.

  4. Seriously WTF? Does this girl not know that we are in a recession? Unemployment is up? Take the damn job and give Sizzle a break. Hope you hire someone soon. Being overworked sucks… you eat like shit, laundry gets behind, and then that just adds to your shitty ass mood. I feel for you. Good luck.

  5. Sizzle, I think we are living the same inner life :-). I realized last night that if I kept saying I had not time, I would keep having no time
    :-). Does that make any sense? Big hugs and love.
    XOXO

  6. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? One would think breakdowns would just happen and not have to be scheduled, but sometimes we just don’t have the time. I’ve been there, and I’ve also said to myself “I think I need a really good cry sometime soon”.
    I hope things get better for you, but if you need a quick fix before Thanksgiving, try a sad song and a quick cry, maybe in the shower, to let some of it out before it piles too high.

  7. Definitely schedule a breakdown. I’m not kidding. Take a couple days of vacation, kiss everybody and everything off, drink, sleep, veg in the front of the tv, scream, cry, journal, whatever it takes.

    I’ve been in periods in my life just like this — when the demands seem unbearable and I hate everybody and everything in my life and treat them accordingly. One thing that helped me through a rough patch was morning meditation. It only took 15 minutes and anybody can spare 15 minutes, right? I found a quiet, comfortable place in my home to sit, I dimmed the lights, closed my eyes, and chanted my mantra for 15 minutes — “I am in control of my day and I will nurture peace and joy and in my life.” This along with deep breathing really me helped me start the day in the right frame of mind. And then if the day got off track, I would close my office door and do the same thing for 10 minutes or as long as I could spare. I’ve even been known to do it in a bathroom stall.

    Take a deep breath, siz. And focus on finding the peace.

  8. TOTALLY know what you mean. JUST this morning I was thinking it’s a nice breather from the routine that Declan is off school till Fri and I don’t HAVE to get him to daycamp at a certain time. How pathetic is that???

    Mucho hugs and kisses to you.

  9. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. If that means scheduling a breakdown then more power to you. Feel better soon!

  10. WOW you sound over-worked, which is sure to wear anyone down! Hope it all gets better soon, and a scheduled break-down sounds like it might be necessary!!!

  11. I’ve done it before too. “Friday night? Sorry. I already have plans. To sit with a bottle of wine and mope.” Sometimes you just need to make time for it. And then, hopefully, it will get better. Here’s to an extra hour this weekend- at least there’s that?
    (((Hugs)))

  12. Aw, I’m sorry life is being so hard on your right now. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that that girl will take the job (although it sounds like she may not be the best person anyway). Hang in there, and like a pp said, take it one day at a time. Looking at the big picture would overwhelm anyone, so just get thru one day at a time. And then end it with a nice big beer. šŸ™‚

  13. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! I hope your replacement gets hired sooner vs. later. I know how long these things can drag out…ugh…
    Be sure to make a spa appointment the week of your breakdown. It’s quite therapeutic to cry during a massage. šŸ™‚

  14. Schedule you time….turn off the phone clsoe the door and do something that makes you happy even if it is a soak in a bubble filled tub. Rest your mind and your body.

    Hugs

  15. I hear you, except everything that is keeping me so busy right now is my fault. I asked for it. I’m still taking the week of Thanksgiving off. Part of it to relax at home and part to visit my bro in another state. Either way, nothing I do will be work-related. Good luck!

  16. I often schedule “meltdown” days. And then I count down to them: “Two days until I can lose my shit. One day! I can make it one more day!”

    You are really under the gun right now, and I know it will all feel better when you have a few moments to breathe. Hugs!

  17. Perfectly sane thing to do. I have been known to schedule breakdowns in the past myself. It’s all about taking care of you. Hope things get better.

  18. I do believe all of this is due to the lack of time, help, sleep and understanding. Anyone and everyone that matters can and will have to wait until your shit is more aligned.:)

  19. You’re up against a pretty damn big wall. No doubt. One thought occurred to me. Would your office be willing to hire a temp to help you out in the interim. Until you hire someone new. To help you ramp up for all these November events? Clearly, this person won’t be able to take on the major tasks, but you might be able to delegate little things. And feel a little more sane about tending to the larger things yourself. Just a thought that might help alleviate some of your stress…

  20. It’s just as important to schedule time with your Physician as it is to allow yourself the space to release that bad energy.

    If you continue to let it build up enough, you wont have to make time for it, it’ll happen at the worst moment.

    I had to do the same recently and after I got done kicking and screaming at the world, I didn’t have anything left to do but pick myself up, dust myself off, and move onto the next item on my list; my life.

  21. If you’d quit your old job for one elsewhere, the overlap would be a non-issue. Talk to your superiors about it: 2 full-time jobs is more than 1 person can handle. Or at least, you should be compensated for doing both.

    See if you can recruit some interim help from your office while the hiring process continues. Other people should be helping to take up the slack of the unfilled position right now. That’s what would’ve happened if you’d gone elsewhere, right?

    Delegate everything you can, and hang in there, kiddo.

  22. Welcome back, at least for today. I feel your pain Sizzle! I hope you get some relief soon….a person can only take so much and you will be no good at work if they don’t get you some help soon. Even a temp to do some of the “crap” work if there is any.

    Hang in there!

  23. I’m not saying this to be all cheerleader-y (God knows that is SO not me right now) but I’ll bet there was a time when you didn’t know you needed to step back and away from everything. Or, as I might call it, GIVE ME A DAMN MINUTE, PLEASE!
    So, for what it’s worth, I think it’s healthy to know, even if we’re feeling the same about all the rest.

  24. I’d say that scheduling a breakdown must be a lot better than getting one unexpectedly. Make sure you put it in the middle of the week so you don’t mess up your weekend.

    Also, in the meantime, try beer.

  25. I hope things get better soon. In October I was working 60-70 hours per week. While I knew it was temporary, I about lost my mind by the end of it…

  26. Can you schedule on for me as well? This week I decided that if I was friends with myself(the inner voice self) I would totally ditch me. Call me on the phone, tell me to STFU and never to call again…..

    I like to think the lovely holdiay’s coming up will cure this general discontent. That or an Obama victory!

  27. Might sound selfish but if you don’t take care of yourself (rest, unwind, recharge, socialize, whatever) then you won’t be able to take care of anything or anyone else very well. There’s a definite up side to achieving a balanced bit o’ self-centeredness…

  28. I hope you guys find an awesome replacement and your workload lets up soon. Have a nice big cry asap. I had a little one the other day but it wasn’t enough so I had a bit more the next day at work as well. Good luck with everything. xox

  29. You’ll most likely feel better if you find the time, schedule it, and have yourself a nice bit old tantrum. Or cry fest. Or yelling match. Or whatever feels appropriate.

    I’ve been on both sides of that–scheduling and tantrum-ing. Make the time.

    Good luck!

  30. I think scheduling a time out sounds like a great idea. We all need a break from time to time – time to scream, time to cry, time to vent, time to laugh. So you go ahead and take your time.

  31. Almost caught up . . . I just had to say that I relate to this, which I’m not proud of. Last week I was kind of hoping I could get into a minor accident or get a serious but not life-threatening illness just to get a day or so off just so I could recharge. I hated the desperate feelings those thoughts came out of, but it was all very real. I hope you get what you need soon. (And I hope I do, too!)

  32. Pingback: Freeeeeeeedom! « Sizzle Says

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