Dear {You}

Dear Coworker,

I am not sorry I sent you that email essentially telling you to get on board or else. You have been roadblocking me for years while impeding the success of your own program. I am done catering to your ineptitude. Believe me, that was the nice version of what I really wanted to say.

Suck it up.

Signed,

Your hanging-by-a-thread coworker

*************

Dear Potential Tenant,

You totally want to live here and will give me a deposit tonight. Otherwise, I will be forced to lock you in a storage unit until you change your mind.

Don’t make me buy a lock,

Your tired-of-showing-vacant-units-new-manager

*************

Dear Chub,

You’re cramping my style. I get the message- when the underwear feels tight, it’s time to lose weight.

Signed,

No Elastic Waist Pants for Me (though they do sound comfy)

*************

Dear Cats,

I don’t enjoy eyelid licking, hair eating or whispered sweet nothings (AKA loud purring) in my ear at 5:30am.

Go back to sleep.

Love,

The Woman Who Feeds You Wet Food

*************

Dear Everyone Who Thinks They Are Getting a Christmas Gift,

You aren’t.

Apologies,

Spendthrift Sizzle

P.S. This does not include you, Finn.

*************

Dear Laundry,

Please wash yourself in cold water and dry yourself on permanent press. Then, if you’d so kindly fold yourself and put yourself away, I’d be indebted to you.

Thanks,

Commando Sizzle

P.S. Don’t forget to clean the lint screen.

*************

Dear Free Time,

I miss you.

XOXO,

Me


(This idea was blatantly stolen from my friend, Walking Punchline.)

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48 thoughts on “Dear {You}

  1. I “wrote” quite a few of these notes to Zoe in her first few months. They can be very therapeutic, no? πŸ™‚ Also, we’re doing the same thing with gifts this year: only the kiddo gets anything.

  2. That present idea sounds like heaven to me right now. I am running around trying to figure out what to get everyone. Not getting them anything and not getting a bunch of crap I don’t want in return would be awesome! I do love handmade thoughtful things, but not the frenzy of buying stuff just to buy stuff.

  3. The only gifts I’m giving this year will be made/crafted from the basement full of craft supplies my mother is hoarding.

  4. Dear Sizzle’s Sense of Humor,

    Glad to see you’re still around. Keep hanging in there.

    Love,

    All of us

  5. P.S. This does not include you, Finn.

    ROFL

    Love it!

    Being thrifty NEVER affects the nephew. I mean, it can affect the groceries and the social life and the parents and siblings, but never, ever the nephew.

  6. Well if you are going to steal something, at least it’s quality stuff!

    And with that,

    Dear Sizz,
    I.
    Loved.
    This.
    Post.

    Sincerely, Your Bloggy Friend From Way Down Souf

  7. Awesome post. πŸ™‚
    About the no gifts for Christmas, I’m actually not getting anyone anything either. They have me and I think that’s pretty much enough. πŸ˜‰

  8. I wish life was so simple that all you had to do was write a note and all things would align. Why does everyone and everything have to make things difficult? I hope all your notes come true!

  9. Heh! Awesome Sizzle! Addresses so many nuisances, in a clear and succinct way. πŸ™‚ If only it were that easy!

    Sending love, and energy to tackle that load of needed laundry–

  10. Don’t you wish we could write letters like this and the recipients would actually respond or obey?! If you haven’t seen them already, look up the Simon’s Cat cartoons on youtube. As a cat owner, you’ll find them particularly entertaining.

  11. Will you sign my name to that last one? ?

    It’s been way too long since I’ve kicked up my feet and read some blogging friends… glad to be back : )

  12. Hilarious! I especially love the Christmas gift one. Also?
    Dear Dave,
    You are not as cute as Finn.
    Sorry,
    Diane πŸ˜‰

  13. Dear Mercedes dealership,

    Listen, I know the law says there’s no “cooling off” period, but please let me return this car. I just read Sizzle’s blog and found out she’s not getting me anything for Christmas this year. You can even keep the cool bobblehead Elvis I bought to put on the dashboard.

    Sincerely,
    Heart broken blogger.

  14. Here’s the deal: you allow cats to live with you, you deserve anything you get. They should be locked up in that storage container with the potential tenant.

  15. This was awesome…it gave me my first chuckle of the day!

    P.S. My baby cat loves to jump up on my head and meow in my face when it’s time to wake up. During the week she’s a late sleeper but on the weekends……ugh.

  16. loved this and may need to steal this month in the spirit of nablopomo! and i am relieved to see that most responded to the phrase “eyelid licking” as i did….

  17. I have no eye licking cats. I do, however, have a head-slapping beagle. When she’s ready to go out in the mornings, she jumps on Nooze’s bed and cuffs her in the forehead to wake her up.

    Sure beats cleaning up after her.

  18. Pingback: Dear (Insert Name Here) « It All Comes Down To This….

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