I’ve been sitting here staring at a blinking cursor for almost an hour. I can’t decide if I want to say what I feel like saying. I’m over-thinking the repercussions. That’s one of my faults actually- over-thinking. It serves me well at work where I can map out every plausible scenario for an event so that I have all bases covered but when it comes to real life, human interactions and feelings, this whole over-thinking and what if scenario play outs and strategizing for each outcome is TOO MUCH.
Sometimes you have to just let life happen.
So here’s the thing about that. . . Many of you have emailed or commented wondering what is going on with the Fella and I. I appreciate your concern and apologize for my avoidance. I just didn’t know how or what to say. This is one of the roadblocks a blogger faces when you put your relationship out in the internet mix. What is okay to talk about and what isn’t? How much is too much? Once I hit publish I can’t take it back. It’s already out there.
But the truth is, I wouldn’t say anything here I wouldn’t say to the Fella or have already said to the Fella. It’s just that it is our personal business. And it’s a relationship so, you know, it’s hard to convey the nuances. Really the only two people who truly understand what is going on are the two people IN the relationship. And if that’s true then we are really fucked because neither one of us knows how to fix what’s wrong, try as we might to talk our way through it.
I could blame the situation we’ve been in for months- me having been tremendously overworked and him having been tremendously under-worked, his stress butting up against my stress, my issues taking center stage then his stealing the limelight. The shit has been hitting the proverbial fan for weeks and those weeks have turned into months and here we are . . . not doing well at all.
I remember a time when we would talk on the phone every night before going to bed, when I wanted him to come over, when I was excited to have plans with him, when it took us an hour to say good-bye at the door, when I felt something other than numbed out and frustrated and sad. It’s not that any one thing happened but that a series of events happened and now what? Because we keep looking to each other for the solution to our problem and are coming up empty.
I take my part in the blame. I’m ashamed of my inability to be supportive in the long haul. Of how I have only been seeing negative which then begets more negativity. Of how I have curled myself up internally so that I won’t get hurt. Of how I have distanced myself from whatever felt difficult. Of how I have said “no” more than I have said “yes”. I feel ill equipped to navigate this part of a long term relationship because usually I would have bailed six or nine months ago. Or now. It’s not shiny and new anymore. It’s difficult. I don’t have the answers.
I hate not having the answers.
I want someone to tell us that a relationship can hit a rough patch and recover. I want to have hope that we can fix this. I want to feel happy and in love again. I just have no idea how.