Where Do We Go From Here

I’ve been sitting here staring at a blinking cursor for almost an hour. I can’t decide if I want to say what I feel like saying. I’m over-thinking the repercussions. That’s one of my faults actually- over-thinking. It serves me well at work where I can map out every plausible scenario for an event so that I have all bases covered but when it comes to real life, human interactions and feelings, this whole over-thinking and what if scenario play outs and strategizing for each outcome is TOO MUCH.

Sometimes you have to just let life happen.

So here’s the thing about that. . . Many of you have emailed or commented wondering what is going on with the Fella and I. I appreciate your concern and apologize for my avoidance. I just didn’t know how or what to say. This is one of the roadblocks a blogger faces when you put your relationship out in the internet mix. What is okay to talk about and what isn’t? How much is too much? Once I hit publish I can’t take it back. It’s already out there.

But the truth is, I wouldn’t say anything here I wouldn’t say to the Fella or have already said to the Fella. It’s just that it is our personal business. And it’s a relationship so, you know, it’s hard to convey the nuances. Really the only two people who truly understand what is going on are the two people IN the relationship. And if that’s true then we are really fucked because neither one of us knows how to fix what’s wrong, try as we might to talk our way through it.

I could blame the situation we’ve been in for months- me having been tremendously overworked and him having been tremendously under-worked, his stress butting up against my stress, my issues taking center stage then his stealing the limelight. The shit has been hitting the proverbial fan for weeks and those weeks have turned into months and here we are . . . not doing well at all.

I remember a time when we would talk on the phone every night before going to bed, when I wanted him to come over, when I was excited to have plans with him, when it took us an hour to say good-bye at the door, when I felt something other than numbed out and frustrated and sad. It’s not that any one thing happened but that a series of events happened and now what? Because we keep looking to each other for the solution to our problem and are coming up empty.

I take my part in the blame. I’m ashamed of my inability to be supportive in the long haul. Of how I have only been seeing negative which then begets more negativity. Of how I have curled myself up internally so that I won’t get hurt. Of how I have distanced myself from whatever felt difficult. Of how I have said “no” more than I have said “yes”. I feel ill equipped to navigate this part of a long term relationship because usually I would have bailed six or nine months ago. Or now. It’s not shiny and new anymore. It’s difficult. I don’t have the answers.

I hate not having the answers.

I want someone to tell us that a relationship can hit a rough patch and recover. I want to have hope that we can fix this. I want to feel happy and in love again. I just have no idea how.


81 thoughts on “Where Do We Go From Here

  1. Relationships DO hit rough patches and job related stress is likely one of the biggest you can put on any relationship. That combined with money, which this is, just makes it 10 times worse. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but to know that it is normal and you are not alone. The next step is deciding if it is worth saving and going from there. If it is make plans. Do something specific together – that does not cost a lot of money- maybe something you used to like doing together. Set aside specific time to spend together, maybe make it more like a date vs. what you tend to do when you are in a relationship which is just hanging out. Does that make sense? Then you can have specific designated time together to reconnect.

  2. Aw, Sizz, this is hard. You’ve both been through a heckuva lot lately, and stress can work its way into the best of relationships and really foul things up. Another factor is when the shiny-new isn’t so shiny anymore. It just happens. And it’s ok, as long as what replaces shiny-new is good in its own way.

    That said, a relationship CAN be fixed if both want it fixed. I can’t know the inner workings and emotions going on here, but I can sense that it’s a good thing.

    So. Sit back. Take a breath (or two). Don’t do anything drastic during the holidays — it makes for bad memories. Walk, talk, breathe (again) – together and alone.

    Think. Then do.

  3. No relationship is trouble free. Eventually every one will hit one (or many) rough patches.

    The thing I always come back to is this … my brother had been married for 16 years and decided that he wanted out. They separated and filed for divorce … he was dating someone half his age and she seemed shiny and new. She was all the things that his wife wasn’t … all the things he wished his wife would have been. Then one day the new girl started bitching … started nagging … started asking for more of him. Then he realized that if he was going to put that much work into it, he might as well put the work in with someone who had been with him through thick and thin. I think it goes to show that even when it was shiny and new, eventually it comes back to the same place and unless you deal with it, you will continue in the same circle again and again. Now … he’s trying to work on things with his wife again and so far, it’s working.

    So the moral of the story the way I interpret it is this: Eventually you will have to work through your side of the issues with someone … why not give it a go now and see what growth you can allow yourself to experience? If it doesn’t work out, consider it preparation for your next relationship down the road.

  4. Relationships really can hit rough patches and recover. That doesn’t mean they all do. But what it sounds like from the limited information here is that you guys don’t have problems with each other per se; there isn’t some fatal flaw or dealbreaker. It’s a question of both of you hitting stressful periods at once and being too depleted to offer the other person the support they need. I think that’s natural, and being aware of it is a huge first step toward fixing it. One thing that I’ve always thought helped my parents’ 30+-year marriage work is that they never seem to get stressed at the same time. Obviously life circumstances are unavoidable, but they generally have different triggers, so when one is upset the other is supportive. I hope that you and the Fella can find a similar balance once things calm down a bit for both of you.

  5. Oh Sizz, I’m so sorry. I wish I had something magic to share with you…but I don’t, so I will send good thoughts your way and cross my fingers for you and the fella. xoxo

  6. Oh, Sizzie-poo. I’m so sorry to hear this. It looks like you’ve gotten some good advice up there, which is good, because I don’t have any. I just wanted to say that I’ve been there, and I’m sorry, and hang in there. Maybe you have the answers already in your heart. I hope it feels ok to put it out there on the Interwebbies and I hope you get lots of support. xo.

  7. relationships are hard. and there are good times and bad times. but if you really love someone, and they really love you, then you just ride it out and come out on the other end better and stronger.

    I’m rooting for you two!

  8. You can get through it! And you’ll do that by doing what you are here – not letting it all out, keeping it private, between the two of you. Yes, you need to think things through, but no one wants their personal shit on the internet unless they are writing it.

    This all sounds weird. Recently, my BiL’s gf broke up with him (or vice versa or whatever) and they put it all out there on their websites. Very weird, and uncomfortable.

    Only you two can solve this, if you want, together. πŸ™‚


  9. Relationships can survive a lot more than we give them credit for. Just hold on with both hands and don’t let go. Shiny and new isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. Haven’t you heard? Vintage is all the rage these day! Hang in there, girl. There will come a time when life stops getting in the way of your happiness and you and the fella can settle down and remember the reasons you chose each other to being with.

  10. I am sorry that you are going through a rough patch. We all have to go through them and it tends to make the relationship stronger.

    My advise is to keep talking about it, pull yourself our of the situation and talk about the truths of the situation and how you two can work together to fix it.


  11. Relationships are not always easy, unfortunately. It’s an ebb and flow – there are good times and harder times. Relationships CAN hit a rough patch and recover.

    I’m sorry things are hard right now. I hope you and the fella find a way to make it better…


  12. In the almost 8 years I’ve been with Kevin we’ve hit MANY MANY MANNNNNNNY rough patches (even broke up once for 5 months and didn’t speak) and yet here we are all these years later, still together.

    But, I don’t know why or how it came to be this way. I think at the end of the day (or months or years, as the case may be), we couldn’t be without each other. It took a lot of heartache, a lot of tears, a lot of silence, a lot of togetherness and most of all – a lot of time.

    All this being said, I feel your pain! Relationships are sometimes messy and difficult – at least, the good ones anyway…if you never hit rough patches, you never have a chance to work together at being better communicators! πŸ™‚

  13. At the risk of sounding know-it-all, relationships (ALL relationships) hit rough patches. Sometimes more than once, sometimes a few in a row. And though we say we don’t change, we do grow and so do our relationships. I do believe we can get through them too and be better off for it. And you’re right, this is hardest with two because you both have to decide how much effort you’ll put into it.
    I think the important thing to remember is something you already both know: this does not make either of you a bad person. Work and money issues are really, really hard things to deal with on our own, not to mention as a couple. So much of our identity can be wrapped up in our ability to do good work AND bring home a check. It is a very big deal and it’s normal to feel completely weighed down by all of it.
    I hope you two can maybe set aside some time to do something special. It doesn’t have to be an important conversation or lead to any conclusion, just time together where you can let the worries go for a minute and just be. It might remind you of that great new relationship feeling we get where nothing else really matters. I’m not sure we ever get to go back to that stage, but replicating it from time to time couldn’t hurt.

  14. I am sorry, Sizzle. I’ve never thought I would say that but relationships are hard work. Especially in stressful times. Maybe, take a break. Give each other some space. And then talk about how you would like to fix whatever was wrong. Sometimes you need a little distance to come back closer together.

  15. Hang in there…please. You will feel MORE in love after you weather this storm than you did when it was shiny and new, because your foundation will be stronger. I promise.

    It’s not easy, but it IS possible.

  16. I hope you can make it work. I want you to make it work, dammit! But this isn’t about me, it’s about you, and you’ve already gotten a lot of kind words and good advice.

    To my mind, if you make it through this, your relationship will be that much stronger. Sending you some hugs…

  17. I’m so sorry Sizz 😦

    Aside from the external pressures you are facing, relationships definitely cool off a bit. It scares us and makes us wonder what’s going wrong. It’s just the infatuation wearing off. You know, infatuation… that raging fire of passion. It’s clear that you and the Fella really love each other. This is when we have to blow on the embers and keep that fire burning at a consistent rate. It might flare up now and then, but the trick is to keep it steadily burning. It may not be as exciting all the time, but it can last a lifetime if you want it to πŸ™‚

  18. Sending you lots of hugs and lovey energy. Things will work out, Siz. Just give yourself some space and time to focus on you. Whenever Dex and I are in a rough patch, it usually means I need to spend some “me” time. It’s hard, because I want to be around him all the time but I fundamentally believe that the only person that can truly make you happy is you. You’ve got to give yourself some TLC before you can give it to anyone else. It will recover and it will only make you guys stronger, as individuals and as a couple.

  19. Hills and valleys. Hills and valleys. NO relationship is perfect and easy all of the time (people who say they are have their heads in the sand) you have to go through the rough patches to get to the good stuff again. It’s not going to be easy but it is possible. Start small, do little things. Take it day by day. Also, remember that being stressed about the relationship, and analyzing everything within, creates more stress. Do the easy stuff together. Relax together. Let things smooth out and then try to move forward.

  20. I’m so sorry to hear about this and I hope things work out for you guys. It’s pretty difficult when you have both parties in such high stress situations.

  21. Hang in there–you’ve seen firsthand that Mike and I have hit rough patches, too. They DO pass, though, if you have a strong foundation together and if you’re willing to put in the effort to work through them.
    Relationships shouldn’t be ALL hard work, of course, but I do think that every couple goes through a point where things are harder than they’d like them to be.
    I’m thinking good thoughts for the two of you.
    xo M.

  22. I’m sorry to hear this. Patrick and I went through a horrid rough patch a couple of months back. I never wrote about it and most people never knew, but it was awful. We got through it, though. I don’t know if that helps.

    If you ever need anything, let me know.

  23. Recovery IS an option. Forgiveness and forgetting the past is the key. Keep looking toward the future. It takes more than love to keep a relationship going, it takes a commitment from both of you. Passions change, interests change too, but if you are committed then you will adapt and move on. Change comes with pain, and if you endure you will be stronger.

    I hope all that doesn’t sound clichΓ©, I do hope that you and the Fella find what ever it is that you need move on.

  24. Will & I have hit many rough patches – in fact, I can’t think of when we weren’t in a rough patch. He works his butt off and I work mine off but don’t get paid for it. Add in financial stress, health issues (he spent a week in the hospital this year!) and other family issues, and well…you have a recipe for disaster.

    Here’s what we come back to, though. We love each other and all of the crap has nothing to do with one another. Meaning that I’m not unemployed because I’m turning down work or sitting at home eating bon bons, waiting for good things to happen to me. He didn’t spend a week in the hospital because he likes to get blitzed and get behind the wheel.

    Life always gets in the way of everything. The thing that keeps us going is that we always Have a Plan. That plan doesn’t always work out (in fact, it rarely does!) But we’re always working to make things better for each other so one person doesn’t have to carry it all.

    It’s not One Big Fix – one solution to everything – it’s a series of solutions that’s tweaked by the day.

    I understand this doesn’t work for everyone, and I also understand that not all relationships are meant to last. But this is how I manage to be happy despite that fact that my life is constantly falling apart around me.


  25. Man, Sizzle, I’m so sorry you guys are at this place. I wish nothing but happiness for you, however it takes to get there. I also wish I had some good advice for you, but in absence of that, I’ll send you and the fella my happy thoughts and hope that works everything out :).

  26. i can agree that most relationships, after a while, hit a rough patch and it can be the result of anything – money, sex, work, family, etc… if they were perfect, all the time – therapists, self-help books, and oprah would be out of business… πŸ˜‰

    if you guys can talk about stuff, great, but if not – i suggest a counselor/therapist because it can really help… if you both agree that the relationship is something worth fighting for – then you owe it to yourselves to make it a priority again…

    it’s easy to put it on the back burner and take it for granted but it still needs TLC… πŸ™‚

  27. Real relationships DO hit rough patches, absolutely. There are times when one, or both of you want to get out. There are times when you aren’t even sure you like that person, anymore. But if what happens then, is you take stock of what you yourself were wrong about, and make changes to address that? Sometimes, the other person works with you, and you overcome that obstacle.

    It’s like one of those obstacle course walls, that you can;t possibly get over by yourself. Sometimes it takes a team effort.

    It sounds like you have a really good bead on what is eating you two. Work and money stresses are brutal, yeah. But here’s the thing, if you can;t work it out now, then there really is no Future possible– because there is always more bullsh*t to overcome ahead. At least, that has been my experience. Either you’ll learn to work together, or you will just go seperate ways, whether it’s now, or 5 yrs from now.

    Good luck Sizzle. Real love is challenging, no doubt.

  28. Oddly, we have been going through a very similar situation. My husband lost his job in August (or September?) and my job just happened to get insanely busy at the same moment (no end in sight).

    It sucks.

    It really, really sucks.

    You both need support that the other would usually provide, but the other is too busy trying to keep his/her own shit together.

    Needless to say, the “we” suffers.

    Then the individuals suffer as a both as cause and effect.

    And it still sucks.

    One thing that has helped me is repeatedly telling myself that my current issues, my current stress, my current “raging bitch” mood have very little to do with my husband. It isn’t his fault.

    And his situation isn’t my fault.

    We remind ourselves and each other of that often.

    But for a while there have been times of tolerance rather that joy in each other’s company.

    But it isn’t him, it isn’t me, it isn’t us, it is our current crappy situations.

    We went away for about ten days over the holiday. Granted, it was with my family (whole different issue, that one), but after a few days away from the everyday, we were able to find ourselves and each other again.

    Tolerance became joy became “this is why I married you.”

    To say “this too shall pass” seems belittling and cliche, but, really, it will pass. The shitty times make the good times worth it.

    Give each other time, space, and gentle care. It isn’t either of you, it is nothing inherently wrong with the relationship…It is a situation that is lasting longer than you’d like, but you’ll find yourselves and each other again.

  29. Well here is my 2 cents…

    You’ve been under a ton of stress. You’ve had so much crap you had to do that when you weren’t doing that crap, you were just trying to survive. I get like this and I just try to cut off everything because I don’t feel like I can handle being nice or helpful or happy or listening to other people’s problems. For the Fella, I can’t imagine looking for work. I haven’t had to do that in my life and I can’t imagine how frustrated he must be by his circumstances. I think it would be weird if you weren’t a little at each other’s throats or ignoring one another all together. It is easy to have this happen and so you can’t beat yourself up about it. I guess you have to ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with (I know, easy questions huh!) and then you have to do what it takes to make it work. I’ve had really hard times in my relationship and if I mapped it out, I can almost always say they were due to a hard time I was having. Once I worked on the me part and realized that I love my boyfriend and I needed to try a lot harder, it became something I wanted to do instead of something I had to do. I quit being so hard on myself and just allowed myself to laugh. Even if it means laughing at myself.

  30. maybe there are people who have those kind of relationships where they never argue, they never skid on the black ice of miscommunication, they never have to fight to find each other’s hearts again.
    i don’t know any of those people.
    i have learned one thing in my 36 years.
    “happily ever after” is a facade.

    and to address your request in the last paragraph.
    yes, you can hit a rough patch and recover.

  31. Dearest Sizzle – My fella and I have been through some unbelievable rough patches. Some were his doing and others mine and several were “ours”. We have persevered and after 7 fairly tumultuous years we are currently in a really good place. If you had told me we would be here after all the crap, I would have seriously doubted it. Looking back, I see that when we have been in the worst of times, one of us was there for the other. Maybe not affirmatively doing anything to make the other problems go away, but still there, watching from the wings and quietly taking care of things like washing the dishes and putting flea medicine on the cat. I don’t know if that makes sense or helps at all, but like others have said, there are hills and valleys and if you have the underlying love for your mate, it can abide when everything seems to be going to crap.

  32. Thank you for posting this. I found it really comforting and insightful to read everyone’s comments – because EVERY relationship DOES hit bumps, and this is the kind of advice we can all benefit from.

    I completely believe you can recover from this sort of thing. One of your readers said “this too shall pass” and I think that’s a great mantra. It’s something that doesn’t just apply to the bad times, but also the good. So when you have moments of goodness, BE in them. BE in the moment. Don’t worry about the past or the future, just be present. This is something that has helped me in my relationships.

    I wish you lots of luck, and I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you and Fella.

  33. As so many people have said, you can make it through this. It isn’t pretty in the middle of it all though, is it? Both my husband and I have been in the Fella’s situation and it sucks. And it is almost as hard on the other person. There is so much pressure to be positive and supportive, and sometimes you just don’t have it in you. And they feel like they are letting you down, for not accomplishing anything. It is a viscious circle.. but it is possible to get out of it. Mine took a swift kick in my ass and a few more months after that to even start feeling better. Don’t give up… no one gets through these things easily. (I’d recommend a good anti depressant but who has health insurance while unemployed… this was my problem)

    I hope things turn around soon. I can bring you cupcakes, it won’t fix anything… but they sure are tasty.

  34. I learned the hard way this past 18 months that you can’t force something that isn’t meant to be — you can’t fit a round peg into a square hole relationship, and if the bad times outweigh the good, it’s probably doomed.

    BUT — that doesn’t mean that’s what this is. If you still love each other a lot, and still want to work towards a future together, this very well could be just a rough patch that needs to be worked through, and as long as you’re both putting forth equal effort with equal desired outcomes, I think you should keep trying to make it work.

    Everything shiny and new ultimately gets a bit cloudy and tarnished when things get REAL… but just like the best of silver, it can be polished into “good as new” shape again with a little elbow grease, that’s cheesy but true. I think the first step is setting aside some time where you intentionally DON’T try to figure out what’s wrong or fix it — you just go out and be carefree and enjoy the things you have always enjoyed together. DATE each other again. Have fun, be in love.

    Then do the work.


  35. This is the time when I usually give it up to fate, God, or whoever you believe in. It has taught me that I can’t control the universe and sometimes I have to let things run their course. In a relationship, like you are now, the tough times suck and you can’t do anything about it,b ut wait. Deciding how long to wait is the challenge. How much patience is enough…and when do you throw it all away?

    your’e in my prayers.

  36. You’ve already broken past a lot of barriers. A lot of roadblocks. This is another one. Maybe that sounds too simplistic, especially as, like you said, I’m not the one there, but I really believe that if you two are meant to make it work, you will.

    My only advice? Try remembering the good times. Go through old happy posts. Look at fun photos. Think about how you felt then. Maybe it will spur you back into the good stuff. Or maybe it will just help ease the hurt at the end. Either way, just don’t forget HOW good it was.

  37. Oh boy, girl. A lot of it is just wanting to keep going. Bryan and I have been together for 16 years, and I know I am annoying when I say a good deal of it has been happy. But not all. And sometimes you have to decide you WANT to be happy. And it just comes. Sometimes you have to do hard work. Sometimes you have to look for outside advice. Sometimes you have to think. And on and on.

    Whatever happens, I hope you both are OK.

  38. I went through the “what should I blog and what should I keep to myself” dilemma this year. The problem with blogging about significant others is what to do when you hit a rough patch and/or breakup? I went through a divorce, moved, and basically started my life over. That’s when I had to think really hard whether I really wanted to keep 5+ years of “baggage” on my blog.

    Also, my new girlfriend does occasionally read my blog so is it really fair to her to have to read old entries about my ex? And to be honest, do *I* want those entries around anyway? So, I deleted everything and started my blog from scratch a little over a month ago. I decided at that point to keep personal relationship stuff somewhat more private than I had in the past.

    Do whatever feels comfortable for you. Are the personal posts going to be hard to look back on in the future?

  39. You know I feel terrible for you, Sizz. And really, there’s probably not much any of us can say to right things that just feel inherently wrong. But, I will say this … you had to focus on you for a while. Work was insane and if you didn’t focus on yourself for a time, you would’ve ended up in a hospital, or worse. So you took that time and your relationship suffered a bit. As your professional life gets back on track and becomes more manageable, you get to decide whether you want to focus on the Fella again. Just take things one step at a time.

  40. Relationships are hard. And sometimes times suck. I am currently in a sucking part, where I feel like I am the only one in the relationship. I’m with you on the bailing part, only I have kids and health issues. Sometimes I think that is good. Because without that, I would have just taken the easy way out. Not that it would have been easy, but you know what I mean.

    You are both under a ton of stress with lots going on. It must be really hard to feel connected when you each have so much stress! I’m thinking that hopefully once things settle down for both of you maybe it can all get back to “normal”. Or maybe you two can find a new normal that works for both of you. I know I don’t know any details, I’m just sort of thinking out loud here.

    I’m really sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry for both of you really. No one wants to be in the rough part of a relationship! I will think good thoughts and hope for strength and clarity for you so that you can figure out what you want, and then be strong enough to make steps to get there, wherever that is.

  41. It just sounds like the “honeymoon” faze is over. That giddy feeling faze. It does not sound like a rough patch unless your fighting a lot then yeah it might be.

    Sometimes you just got to let it ride and not totally focus on your relationship and see how it pans out. You both care for eachother so be a little proactive and do some daty things like a short trip away or just buying flowers or little suprise love notes to spice things up a bit. The spark will come back again.

  42. I hate it when a relationship hits a difficult point. But all of them do. It’s something natural and if it doesn’t actually, then something is terribly wrong. Arguments happen. There are lots of ups and downs. But so far what I’ve learned is to keep the lines of communication open. Talk to each other about whatever the problem is. Sometimes even if it is an argument, you’re still talking.

    It seems you two care a lot about each other. All I can say is keep the lines of communication open. Lots of hugs Siz.

  43. Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that you two are going through a rough patch. My only advice is to just keep the communication lines open. As soon as you start to really close eachother off, that’s when I would truly start to worry. I hope things work out well for you two.

  44. Everyone has already said a lot of good things, and I agree. I guess just make sure you WANT to fix it, and that the fella wants to help fix it, and it can be fixed. If either of you don’t, it won’t work no matter how hard you try.

  45. You do what you have to do to for yourself first. Then the relationship stuff.

    Because one won’t work without the other. And you can’t switch it around so that the relationship works first because it just doesn’t ever work that way first.

    And you know what? You can’t worry about all the peripheral stuff … like readers/friends/family being disappointed. It’s none of our business.

    Sure, we want to read all sunshine and light posts from you, but hey … that’s not realistic at all!

    Take care of yourself first.

    Hugs …

  46. A relationship CAN hit a rough patch and recover.

    I was divorced before I met Granny, and I discovered that divorce didn’t actually fix any of the things that were wrong. It only provided brand new problems!

    That’s one reason Granny and I work so hard at what we’ve got. I believe all the hard work pays off. At the very least, if you work hard and the relationship ends anyway, then you have still improved yourself and learned valuable lessons that will help you the next time.

  47. The solution will present itself, but I couldn’t tell you what it will be. Don’t be afraid of what will happen. Everything will turn out for the best in the end. It always does.

  48. It is your business, so feel free to tell all of us to back off whenever you need to, okay?

    That said, relationships can bump and fall apart, or they can bump and rebuild. I have no idea which why you will go, which isn’t a comfort, I know. However, if you’re both wanting to work at fixing it, regardless of whether you know how to fix it, that’s a great first step. Don’t give up on each other and you’ll find a way through the morass.

  49. No one can love you – and you can’t love anyone – until you first learn to love yourself.

    (This was my Thanksgiving epiphany. I hate it and don’t want to believe it, but I know it’s the truth.)

  50. Anything is fixable if BOTH parties want to fix it. I do have to say, I believe it is quite normal to hate, be annoyed and fall in love with someone for periods of time. With that being said, I also believe you fall in love and want to be with that person later on down the road. Rich and I spent years apart (both engaged to others) worked on ourselves and ended up married. I do believe when the right person is put in your path, no matter the detour, they/you find the correct road back to each each other.

    We are living proof of this statement.

  51. One of the smartest, most awesome people I know once told me, “there have been periods of months where I honestly did not like my husband at all.” But she knew, and he knew, that what they had was worth fighting for — and really dug down and fought for it…and have done SO well, and are happy. Part of it, she said, was connecting via sex when nothing else worked — and part was just blind faith.

  52. Yes, relationships can hit a rough patch and recover. You guys have a lot of very difficult outside forces working against you, and the fact you are still together speaks volumes imho.
    On the other hand, your gut will tell you when it’s not right. When it is broken. And there is no shame in knowing that. There is no “failure” involved. It just is what it is.
    Like you say, no one can know the nuances of a relationship like the two people involved, and you know better than I do which of these scenarios is accurate.
    My best advice? What has worked for us is what I recommend to any couple–keep talking. No matter what, keep the communication open and keep your feelings on the table.

  53. Aww, Sizzle β€”Β all relationships go through super happy times and super suck ass times. This is normal. I think the challenge is how you weather the storm together. Everything you love is still there, it’s just underneath some crap right now. Dig through that crap! It will be ok. I send you many hugs.

  54. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, sister. And here’s what I know. Grace and forgiveness, and they go hand in hand. We have expectations of people and people will never meet all of our expectations. Sometimes those expecations are fair and sometimes they are unrealistic. Can you forgive him for not meeting yours and do you have the grace to accept that you might not have met his?

    It’s not a whole answer, but it is a beginning.

    And, if y’all make it through all this think of the hot makeup sex.

  55. I think everything has already been said, so I will just say that I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you start to feel better about the situation.

  56. Take care of number 1 is what I’ve always felt over all else. It’s selfish, I’ll acknowledge that, but how can you love others if you don’t have your own shit sorted?

    Whatever happens, we’re adults and we treat every situation like that. I have faith that things will work out, no matter what the outcome may be.

    As a standing rule, feel free to bounce ideas off, or vent to someone you only know in cyberspace…like me for example!

  57. I could have written this post myself a couple of months ago (except that I’d find a substitute for the term “The Fella”, of course). We made a conscious decision for me to spend time being underworked this year while I was looking for the next right job, and one thing led to another and my being underworked ended up coinciding with her being overworked, the economy went to hell, blah, blah, blah….and the various (and often competing) stresses we were both under ended up taking quite a toll on us individually and as a couple. Now I have a new job, which came not a moment too soon….is it perfect, or even close to my dream job? Definitely not. Is it better for us as a couple? In many ways, yes. I guess like pretty much everything else in life this too shall pass….which of course does nothing to help ease the stress in the meantime. Wow, I’m not feeling especially helpful here!

    Rough patches don’t last forever, and recovery is absolutely possible (and even probable!).. Just remember to be gentle with yourselves as individuals and with each other whenever possible, and it will help make the rough patch seem less rough.

  58. Awww Sizz, I can only re-iterate that yeah relationships all hit a rough patch at some point. And if it’s not something about The Fella, but its just both your current circumstances, then you will work through it. Or come back to each other at some point. Finances suck ass. We’ve hit a rough patch too. One that I tried to blog about, but ultimately decided what it really was couldn’t be blogged about. And the financial imbalance plays a part as well. But if you love him and he loves you, maybe you both just need some time with your stresses and working through your own stuff and not each other. Maybe you both need some “me time” and then you can go back to being cute happy couple πŸ™‚
    Good luck sweets.

  59. You already have 63 comments, so I’ll be brief. Now that someone’s been hired for your old position, I hope that your stress is lowering, you find some time to breathe and see your relationship without that stress haze intruding upon it. Then you’ll have to figure out what you want, and together, what’s best for you both. I wish you both the best.

  60. A while ago, while someone was talking about how her and her husband were having an off week, not really connecting, a friend said to us, “Tommy and I have had off years. But we both felt the relationship was important and so we stuck it out.”

    That’s stayed with me. I haven’t been fortunate enough to be in a long-term relationship and some relationships are beyond fixing but having her say that sometimes she and her husband went through entire years without feeling connected taught me something that I hope I will remember when I am in that lucky situation. It’s obvious that there is love between you two. That’s a start and a solid foundation. I hope you guys can weather this bitch of a storm. I wish you both well.

  61. Lots and lots of comments here. Lots of advice.

    Hugs from me. (I’m an email away if you want to vent at someone who has nothing vested.)

  62. Sounds normal really … quite strange to admit, but normal so don’t beat yourself up too much … try not to overthink … I know its hard, maybe take a little break, think it over, do something different … give ‘it’ a break.

    Hope you guys get it sorted out … relationships are such hard work and full of frustrations and sacrifices.


  63. i know im late to the punch here, and while i don’t have any huge words of wisdom to share, i wanted to let you know that im thinking of you, and i do believe what you’re going through is very normal. big hugs, and always remember the huge community of supporters right here on your bloggy that will be here for you no matter what.

  64. I’m sure others have said what I wanted to say but anyway…there are rough times, really shit times, and just short of bloody horrid times BUT if you want this badly enough you will find a way to make it happen again.
    If you don’t want to try, then you have the answer.
    Big hugs – to both of you πŸ™‚

  65. Relationships ebb and flow like the tides…the strong ones prevail. You CAN hit a rough patch and recover. Stress over money and stability is no doubt the kindling that has brought you to where you are…but stay strong. The fact that the ‘new sparkle’, (the long good-byes, etc) seems to be “missing” means that you’ve moved on to the next level, and you’ve surpassed the ‘honeymoon’ stage of the relationship. Now it takes a bit more work. When it feels like you’ve got nothing left to give, and you want to just run in the other direction, think back to what it was that brought you together in the first place. If you and the Fella were meant to be, you will prevail. Sending good vibes to you, Sizzle…I know you and the Fella will weather the storm… *hugs*

  66. They can hit rough patches and survive. I’ve seen people do it. The stress of money, jobs, family etc can be weathered. I have my fingers crossed that you and the Fella will find the way that is right for you.
    That said, I’m not doing so hot working thru the rough patches of my own relationship, so maybe you should ignore this advice/comment.

  67. I am a little late on this post, but wanted to say:Stay with it, relax, perhaps take a little break and remember why you fell for him in the first place. Good luck. Big hugs.

  68. I really really miss the new and shiny too (9 years later. 9 YEARS?!) — then, on occasion, I remember the whys. It helps.

    I will pray for you! I MEAN THAT.

  69. It’s exactly like you just said, relationships DO hit rough patches. It’s ok. No one is perfect and life isn’t perfect. If you still really love and respect each other, it will work out. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to do everything just right. It’s good to acknowledge shortcomings, but not to beat yourself up over them. Once the shiny and new wears off, we are left with everyday life, full of it’s uncontrollable ups and downs. We make the best of it and that’s really all we can do. Don’t be too hard on yourself or him either. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience.

  70. I’m so sorry. I can tell you that, yes, relationships CAN recover… But it takes work. And since I’m (obviously) not in your relationship, I (also obviously) can’t tell you what kind or how much work it will need. I just hope that things turn around – in whatever way you decide is best – for you soon…

  71. Bad patches happen to all of us, hon. Things DO get better. You just have to stick around long enough to let it happen.

    The Fella sounds a like a good guy going through a rough time. I’m betting he’s worth waiting for. Or helping out along the way.

    It may take some time, but it WILL come around.

  72. Having been with my husband for 12 years and through a lot of stressful shit, I can tell you that there are definitely times when I’ve wanted to divorce him, but I’m so very glad that I’ve stuck with him and worked through everything instead. It’s taken a lot of growth and patience from both of us, but it’s been so very worth it. A mantra of sorts that helped me along the way has been “But who else would I want to be with and would they be any better?” He’s the only one and, despite my frustrations, I don’t think that anyone else would be any better.

    Time, patience, and understanding can get you though a lot.

  73. For the first time in my life, I have no advice. Relationships are hard and there are never easy answers. Just know I’m thinking of you and hoping that you find peace and understanding in whatever path you take.

  74. Oh sweetie I’m so sorry to hear you are having a rough time in your relationship. I honestly think all couples hit rough patches eventually, no relationship is perfect, as life is not perfect. I don’t really have any advice to give as I’ve only been in one major three year relationship and we didn’t survive our roughest patch. I think its the strength of the relationship that will show through and if your bonds are strong enough you’ll make it through. You are the only person who can decide if its worth sticking through. I wish you the best!

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