Reasons For Armor

I want to talk about infidelity but that’s a can of worms I can’t open.

I could say that I get it- when a person is pushed to the brink in their relationship and they feel stuck in it, inside themselves and so they pick the most complicated and painful way to bust the whole damn thing wide open. I get it but I hate it all the same. Everyone gets hurt, eventually, in that situation.

I want to talk about work but I’m rather fond of my paycheck so I won’t.

I could talk about my utter lack of understanding about people who are seemingly void of opinion. Those people? They are very tricky and we should be wary of them. How can a person NOT have an opinion?! UGH. I cannot even talk roundabout this issue without my head wanting to explode or expletives come shooting out of my pie hole.

I definitely don’t feel like talking about my relationship because I can’t seem to find a way to describe what’s going on. In a nutshell, it’s a strange, fucked up place and we can’t find a door or window to escape out of it. (And no, neither of us cheated.)

What I guess I can say is that the effect of all the things mentioned have hardened me. I’m forgetting how to talk about my feelings because I’ve stuffed them all so deep inside me. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I am making progress but really? Hardening my heart is not progress. Self-protection oftentimes is self-damaging. And then I wonder. . . Am I protecting myself or them?

Anyone have a padded, noise-proof room I can rent out so I can scream my head off in peace?


44 thoughts on “Reasons For Armor

  1. Take a deep breath. You are well loved by online pals and in real life. As my mom always says “This too shall pass.” Go spend time with Finn 🙂 I’ll be thinking of you!!!

  2. I can offer you my daughters fairy tent complete with mesh flowers, butterflies and ribbons. I have found that I cannot be bitter/ angry or hardened when sitting/ laying inside that thing.

    She even has a baby boombox where you can listen to happy and relaxing music.

  3. Sometimes other people’s relationships really get me down, especially when I see what people are capable of. I don’t understand it and I worry…perhaps unnecessarily, surely unnecessarily, but still…
    So I get it. I can never decide if I’d rather be jaded & aware or naive & susceptible. 😦

  4. My apartment is not padded, but you are more than welcome to come over and scream. Maybe this way my two annoying neighbors will stop their annoying noisy habits.

    And also, lots of hugs to you.

  5. No padded noise proof room, but I do live further out and have a basement, you could swing by on the way to Target.

    I so understand where you are at. I just need someone I am comfortable talking to, who won’t judge and it won’t come back to bite me in the ass.

  6. I’m always shocked when I learn that people think infedelity is justifyable. As if unhappiness in a relationship is fixed by sex with someone else. Like it makes anything “better.” ugh. I don’t mean to go on, I’m just with you on not understanding.
    I hope you can work to get to a better place and out of the funk-type feelings soon. Though I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, I do know that feeling of wanting to get out!

  7. aw sizzle. all of this stuff indeed takes a toll. i dont know exactly how it must be to be going through all of this, but im thinking of you a lot, and hoping for you to come out of this frustrating place very soon. big hugs.

  8. I’m shit at advice over the internet, but if you were here I would take you for a beer (or 8) and we’d talk about how fucked up everything is and do a bunch of screaming and then dance to cheesy hip hop until you felt better. Just imagining doing that makes me feel happy…you?

  9. I don’t have any beautiful, hopeful words that will magically make it better.

    I can, however, point out that Seattle has a music school, and music schools are full of small, padded, sound-proof rooms. That’s where we practice.

    Just a small suggestion.

  10. I, on the other hand, have several opinions about this post which I will keep right to myself.

    I hope you find the stepping stones out of your funk.

  11. I know the feeling of not really knowing HOW you feel… I think I’ve been stuffing my feelings off and on for most of my life, not really dealing with them but just pushing them down.

    Being able to make yourself emotionally available to people after you’ve been hurt before is HUGELY difficult and it takes time.

  12. Have you ever thought about blogging anonymously? I mean totally anonymously? I have. I mean there are so many topics I want to explore but self-censor for a variety of reasons. I often fantasize that an anonymous blog would be a great forum for working through issues.

  13. Self-sabotage comes in different forms, but all of them are our way of acting out. Try to just keep your finger on your own pulse, and accept your own stance on things, and placement in whatever craap is happening. Don’t borrow other people’s drama.
    (I do that sometimes, and it tends to make me paranoid and worried, and there’s not a thing I can do about any of it!)

    Sometimes things get crowded and chaotic like this, right before there is a big Life Change. Just persevere, to get thru to the other side. It’ll make more sense there. (hugs)

  14. My mum has high blood pressure from bottling things up inside. In the end, nobody benefits from hiding the facts. Sure, sometimes people are hurt when you talk about feelings frankly, but maybe that’s better than not being honest.

  15. If the weather weren’t so crappy I would suggest a meandering drive — the car is a great place for screaming in semi-privacy. Although you’re the building manager, so who are your neighbors going to complain to about you? Kidding! Kind of. As for not blogging about work…*sigh*…yeah, we really need some sort of extra-anonymous blog exchange day for work posts. Except one day would unfortunately not be enough!

  16. Step 1. Fill tub.

    Step 2. Stereo up LOUD. (I’m sure your tenants wont mind it for a little while)

    Step 3. Get naked (My favorite part of the process 😉

    Step 4. Scream! (and punch pillows if motivated to do so)

    Step 5. Bathe. (You can also lower the volume should you desire)

    There you have it, guaranteed to make you feel better.

  17. You don’t know me, I’m a lurker who enjoys reading your thoughts… this post struck a note with me.
    I want to tell you that I understand perfectly what you are saying about the “hardening”, and that it’s a good thing that you recognize it. Then I want to tell you to be careful with that. Understand that the process of hardening is such that you eventually come to a point that you CAN’T speak, write, otherwise purge, etc. Not from lack of desire…but because the words are gone, the ability is gone. You know that saying “it’s a like a muscle…”?
    I know that I am there now. I have learned to keep quiet and still for so long, I don’t have the words to rage on sometimes.

    You have good friends and family that loves you…and many silent admirers that root for you. There is some value in the sound of fury. Silence is not always golden.

  18. You most likely keep what’s bothering you to yourself when you need to shout. Scream. Kick. It’s clears the air. It’s ok to vent. It’s let others know that you’re alive. Let yourself out or before it’s too late.

    Oh and…don’t forget to breathe!

  19. We all know I’m full opinions none that really matter at the moment other than, I have found a lot of people are unfaithful as of late. What a strange little episode it seems everyone is going through.

    my advice? don’t hide yourself away.

  20. I’m guessing since I’m so late to the game, you’ve already gotten lots of supportive words and thoughts. All I can say is, one step at a time. Think of the person you WANT to be and take it one step at a time. And don’t be surprised when a few of those steps are in the wrong direction. So long as you don’t lose sight of the overall goal.

  21. With you on the infidelity thing, and the hardening thing. Sometimes we just need to try and talk ourselves out of hardening when we realize the walls are going up. But then sometimes, the walls are there for good reason.

  22. heh heh, you said pie hole! Ok I’m not really twelve. It’s hard when the blog is your place to vent yet you have all these things pent up inside that you can’t write about. My solution? Anonymous guest post. Find or create a space to guest post and vent your heart out. It won’t ‘fix’ the things going on, but it will help to let it out.

  23. i don’t have a padded noise-proof room, but i do live underneath the most inconsiderate family that pounds and hammers and plays loud video games late into the night. causing my baby to wake up and cry, so feel free to come here and scream to your heart’s content. the louder the better.

  24. When someone doesn’t have an opinion… it just seems they are afraid to speak up. I hate that too.

    I hope you are feeling more free to speak your mind now. But I understand if you aren’t.

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