Reflections

A song came over the speakers that instantly transported me to your high school bedroom where we’d hide out, talking into the wee hours of the night. Two best friends full of angst and longing, confusion and attitude.

“Good times for a change/See the luck I’ve had/Can make a good man turn bad/So please, please, please/let me,let me, let me get what I want this time.”

We used to play The Smiths, The Cure and Depeche Mode over and over as we shared our hopes and dreams. No one could make me laugh the way you could. When we were together, life didn’t feel so difficult. It didn’t matter that we each had a parent who was a drunk or that we felt unattractive and uncomfortable in our teenage skin. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t read the book (again) for Honors English. We’d just watch the movie and read the Cliff’s Notes. You’d always get a better grade than me when test time would come. You could bullshit your way out of anything and I was the Worst Liar Ever. What a pair.

“Haven’t had a dream in a long time/See, the life I had could make a good man turn bad.”

Almost twenty-two years have passed since we were those awkward girls dressed in parochial school uniforms, dreaming of freedom and adulthood and boys. I think of you now and wonder where you’ve gotten to. Friends we shared sometimes reach out to me wondering how you are and it breaks my heart to say I don’t know. But that’s the truth. You walked away from our friendship via a text message. I wish I didn’t want to punish you for that. But your actions haunt me.

Even in my anger and disappointment, I miss you. The way you “got” me with just a look or word. All the inside jokes. All the memories between us. A sister in spirit. Remember how you said that being around me reminded you of who you wanted to be? I suppose that’s why you left. The thing you wanted the most was the thing that drove you away. Sometimes, I don’t like looking in that mirror either.

“So for once in my life/Let me get what I want/Lord knows, it would be the first time/Lord knows, it would be the first time.”

Wherever you are, I hope you’ve found a mirror that reflects what I always saw- your truth, your beauty, your tender heart scarred but still full.

Don’t forget yourself.

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30 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. Never fun to lose a friendship, and such a special one at that. Sometimes people have to go their separate ways. But sometimes they can be brought back together again. Just at a later point in life.

  2. It’s so hard to lose a friendship like that. One that was perfect, if only in it’s time. I’m not sure we ever completely let go, or that we’re even supposed to.

  3. This was a great tribute to someone who obviously meant a great deal to you. I hope that she is able to find her way.
    It is hard to look at someone and know what you need to do and still not be doing it. Most of us don’t like that constant reminder.

  4. I have a friend like this… one that I walked away from at one point. The thought of not having her in my life killed me. Know that she’s thinking about you too, and it’s killing her.

  5. I’ve been there, and recently, when a friend gave me a list of reasons how I’d “failed her”. I never gave her any reasons back–there didn’t seem to be a point–and we’d gone through this cycle before. It seemed easier, and healthier for both of us, to walk away from what was obviously a disastrous cycle. I do, however, miss a lot of the things about her–many of the things you’d mentioned. How she understood me. How we could talk about anything. How I had someone so close to me. But I’ve also got other friends who are coming to fill that position, and they don’t seem to cyclically hate me in return every so often. Healthier, but never the same.

    I hope that your friend finds her own happiness, and that if it’s healthy for both of you, that you find one another again some day. In the meantime, be thankful for the friends in your life now. *hugs*

  6. Gosh I wish your friend would come around. It makes me so sad to read your posts about her. And that song…oy… I love it. I saw Morrissey in concert a couple years back and he sang it. So great.

  7. I don’t know whether to be sad or shout that she doesn’t deserve you! I guess I don’t know enough to make that call.
    I’m sorry you have a bit missing.

  8. Geez, that’s just painful all around. I think she’ll come back – one day – when she’s grown enough to realize what you just wrote.

    You’re a good friend. Let’s hope she sees that again.

  9. I walked away from two of my oldest friendships last year, and to be honest, I have no regrets about my decision. We had become friends as teenagers, but went on to lead very different lives, and it had reached the point where we were just going through the motions. I had nothing in common with them except our age and our past history. Spending time with them hadn’t been enjoyable for a long time because we simply had no common interests, nothing to talk about but memories. It was difficult to make the decision, but I truly think it was for the best.

  10. That is very painful as I went thru this a few years ago when my girlfriends from high school abandoned me in my divorce. Still makes me very sad and hurts. It is so painful as more than half my life was spent with the 2 of them and they are gone… All those songs you listed defined us at such a great time…. memories!!

  11. Oh, I was just thinking the other day about the first time a friend broke up with me. It hurt so bad. But I still miss her and wish her luck.

    Very well written. Thanks for sharing.

  12. i lost a friend about 5 years ago … one i had known since the 6th grade. we have been in touch through facebook and she told me recently that she would like to see me … but i don’t know if i can get over the issues that caused our friendship to dissolve.

  13. I just went through losing a friend not to long ago and it was like losing a part of me. So this really speaks to me. It’s never easy to lose someone whom you thought truly got you…makes you feel so lost.

  14. 😦 A text message is no way to end a friendship. I’m sorry to hear that you are still feeling the effects of losing that friendship.

    I once had a close friend end a friendship with me because his wife didn’t want us to be friends. He was one of my best friends. He ended it via email. It was devastating, I lashed out and said hurtful things. He understood. Years later we found each other, shared a few emails and then he disappeared again.

    Losing a friend is tough……being haunted by it is even worse. I hope one day you and your friend can somehow reunite.

  15. One of my top five favorite songs, ever. I was a few years older, though, in college. In high school it was Tears for Fears “Watch Me Bleed”.

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