A song came over the speakers that instantly transported me to your high school bedroom where we’d hide out, talking into the wee hours of the night. Two best friends full of angst and longing, confusion and attitude.
“Good times for a change/See the luck I’ve had/Can make a good man turn bad/So please, please, please/let me,let me, let me get what I want this time.”
We used to play The Smiths, The Cure and Depeche Mode over and over as we shared our hopes and dreams. No one could make me laugh the way you could. When we were together, life didn’t feel so difficult. It didn’t matter that we each had a parent who was a drunk or that we felt unattractive and uncomfortable in our teenage skin. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t read the book (again) for Honors English. We’d just watch the movie and read the Cliff’s Notes. You’d always get a better grade than me when test time would come. You could bullshit your way out of anything and I was the Worst Liar Ever. What a pair.
“Haven’t had a dream in a long time/See, the life I had could make a good man turn bad.”
Almost twenty-two years have passed since we were those awkward girls dressed in parochial school uniforms, dreaming of freedom and adulthood and boys. I think of you now and wonder where you’ve gotten to. Friends we shared sometimes reach out to me wondering how you are and it breaks my heart to say I don’t know. But that’s the truth. You walked away from our friendship via a text message. I wish I didn’t want to punish you for that. But your actions haunt me.
Even in my anger and disappointment, I miss you. The way you “got” me with just a look or word. All the inside jokes. All the memories between us. A sister in spirit. Remember how you said that being around me reminded you of who you wanted to be? I suppose that’s why you left. The thing you wanted the most was the thing that drove you away. Sometimes, I don’t like looking in that mirror either.
“So for once in my life/Let me get what I want/Lord knows, it would be the first time/Lord knows, it would be the first time.”
Wherever you are, I hope you’ve found a mirror that reflects what I always saw- your truth, your beauty, your tender heart scarred but still full.
Don’t forget yourself.