I Made a Move

I don’t do things half-assed. It’s just not in my nature. So I am sure you can understand that doing a romantic relationship half-assed would not work for me. If I don’t live my life that way, I won’t love that way. I’m not good at limbo-ing- figuratively or literally.

Lately when I have talked about my relationship with the Fella to anyone, I’ve been either irritated/frustrated or completely void of emotion. People would ask, “Why are you two still together?” And I would not have a good response. But then yesterday when someone asked me again I said, “Because I love him and it used to be so good. I want it to be good again.”

What you might not know is that for the past six months we’ve been spiraling in a bad place- together and alone. We’ve had arguments, hard discussions (repeatedly), and went so far as to press pause on our relationship which basically meant we communicated via text or email. When we did hang out it was usually with other people. In essence, we hid ourselves from each other and in doing so, I think, made fixing what was wrong even more difficult. The distance grew and grew until I wondered if I really had a boyfriend anymore because it sure as shit didn’t feel like it.

When I said I wanted it to be good again, aloud, for the first time in a long time, something inside me woke up. Part of my problem with this whole thing was that I was not actively engaging in the relationship. I took myself out of it emotionally speaking but kept up some semblance of appearance which just felt false. I don’t do false well either. Not only did I have a boyfriend that I never spent time with or connected with but I had stopped nurturing that part of myself. I swear you could probably hear the hallowness inside me when the wind blew.

So I made a decision. Either we are IN or we are OUT. No more of this half-assed bullshit.

And then I called him up and asked him to meet me.

I told him about the decision I had made and that I was willing to go full in if he was too or else I was out. And he said he was full in. And I think I finally actually got teary. Emotion! I am not dead!

We’re both in.

Keep rooting for us.


102 thoughts on “I Made a Move

  1. I heartily concur with the premise that “All in” is the only way to know if you can be “you two” for sure, for real.

    I just want to hug you both right now.

  2. Hell yeah!

    I am SO glad to hear you say that. I mean…any man that will wear a pink apron AND let you take his picture…is a KEEPER. ha. ha.

    way to go guys!

  3. I definitely know how hard it is with these indecisive relationships. Good for you for making a stand, and I am so happy that the decision was made to keep going the distance…

  4. I can barely handle the economic recession, but a love recession? Oh dear sweet satan, HELL NO! I’m happy to know you took the love. Woohoo!

  5. Good for the two of you.

    I think deep down you both knew you’d get back to good. Otherwise, you’d have truly let go a long time ago.

  6. It’s like Dolly Parton said “you got to tinkle or get off the pot!” I’m glad you guys decided to tinkle :). I’m totally rooting for you both!

  7. YAH! I haven’t posted in ages, but have been reading regularly for years and am SO happy to hear you guys are both *in.* I was thrilled when the fella arrived on the scene and have been rooting for the two of you ever since. Very best wishes to you both!

  8. Wow, I was in a very similar place this past Saturday. Having that very real conversation about if we should be dating or not and then deciding we both still wanted to.
    I wish you the best of luck, it must be pretty special if you guys are willing to keep trying!

  9. Wish you all the best. I totally agree that you have to be all in or it’s not worth doing. I applied that little tidbit to my own life last year. And it seems to be working so far.

  10. I’ll jump on that band wagon!!
    Kudos to both of you for talking to each other honestly and openly and both of you being willing to work hard at your relationship.
    Go Sizzle & Fella.

  11. I’m rooting for you both and for love! Congratulations on facing forward, and good luck!! It can be good again, never fear.

  12. Sizz, you just brought a tear to my eye, too! Because I feel like I know how hard it is for you to go to that place full of emotion – that place where you put yourself out on the line. And it warms my heart to know both you and the Fella are willing to make another go at this thing we call love. I hope you guys make it work!

  13. YAY!!! Just … YAY!!! I absolutely believe you guys made the right decision, and you know I’ve been worried about which way it would go. WHEW. This is such fantastic news!!! A love worth having is a love worth fighting for.

  14. In my cubicle at work, swingin my forearm around, making Arsenio noises…getting looks.

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if relationships were completely effortless?

  15. Awwww. *sniffle*
    I’m rooting, but selfishly admit if things go south before BlogHer, I have a cute Chicago boy I’ve been dying to fix you up with since long before Fella. šŸ˜‰

  16. Hahahahaha at the “Emotion! I am not dead!” commentary on the sitch. Because that is soooo like me. And I love it when you act like me. It cracks my ass up. šŸ˜›

  17. I’ve been pulling for the two of you — because I think there’s something great there, under all the hard — and I’m going to pull extra-hard now.

    And to your post from yesterday, I always think of a good friend of mine (who a lot of people thought was way bitchy for years) who kept putting one foot in front of the other, despite an abusive relationship, parental terribleness and a sick sibling. Most people probably just thought she was mean; she was really just doing the best she could.

  18. Yay Sizzle!! I’m a big fan of romance and working things out with someone you love. Sometimes it takes the littlest thing to spark action. I’m glad your going for it, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  19. Rooting for you both! I learned the hard way that relationships can be so easy and awesome at the beginning and that can make me a little complacent. Relationships need work and dedication, and sometimes just the smallest amount of effort brings a lot you wouldn’t expect!

    Go Sizz!

  20. šŸ˜€ That is very good news– Love and commitment is worth it. (and YOU are worth the serious effort. I promise.)

  21. This is the happiest thing I’ve read in a while.
    I’m totally rooting for you, big foam finger and face paint rooting for you!

  22. Woo Hoo!!!! That kind of commitment makes me happy too. I will be rooting for you two too.

    Lots of Love:
    Section 4b Sizz & Fella Cheering Section


    Don’t you love virtual blog strangers telling you what to do? šŸ™‚

    Seriously. Get in and act in and stay in. Leave no regrets on the table about how you fucked it up again. If it doesn’t work, let it be him who wasn’t invested enough.

    Mother will stop talking now.

  24. This may not come out quite right, but I personally feel that a major step in living fully for yourself is being able to open yourself up completely and honestly to another. To live, you have to allow yourself to possibly be hurt, but it also allows you to really enjoy. Good for you both.

  25. Yay! Definitely rooting for you two kids. Your early stories of your relationship were just so magical. I don’t want to believe love like that can fall apart. Good luck!

  26. I am rooting for you, too! Sounds like a great step forward – or at least, a step in any direction! – that you absolutely needed to take! šŸ™‚

  27. the best thing that ever happened in my relationship was when we surrendered the fantasy and dealt with the reality that we are two flawed individuals who really love each other. working to make it good again will make it better than you ever imagined.

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