I don’t do things half-assed. It’s just not in my nature. So I am sure you can understand that doing a romantic relationship half-assed would not work for me. If I don’t live my life that way, I won’t love that way. I’m not good at limbo-ing- figuratively or literally.
Lately when I have talked about my relationship with the Fella to anyone, I’ve been either irritated/frustrated or completely void of emotion. People would ask, “Why are you two still together?” And I would not have a good response. But then yesterday when someone asked me again I said, “Because I love him and it used to be so good. I want it to be good again.”
What you might not know is that for the past six months we’ve been spiraling in a bad place- together and alone. We’ve had arguments, hard discussions (repeatedly), and went so far as to press pause on our relationship which basically meant we communicated via text or email. When we did hang out it was usually with other people. In essence, we hid ourselves from each other and in doing so, I think, made fixing what was wrong even more difficult. The distance grew and grew until I wondered if I really had a boyfriend anymore because it sure as shit didn’t feel like it.
When I said I wanted it to be good again, aloud, for the first time in a long time, something inside me woke up. Part of my problem with this whole thing was that I was not actively engaging in the relationship. I took myself out of it emotionally speaking but kept up some semblance of appearance which just felt false. I don’t do false well either. Not only did I have a boyfriend that I never spent time with or connected with but I had stopped nurturing that part of myself. I swear you could probably hear the hallowness inside me when the wind blew.
So I made a decision. Either we are IN or we are OUT. No more of this half-assed bullshit.
And then I called him up and asked him to meet me.
I told him about the decision I had made and that I was willing to go full in if he was too or else I was out. And he said he was full in. And I think I finally actually got teary. Emotion! I am not dead!
We’re both in.
Keep rooting for us.