Seeking Clarity

I get these Notes from the Universe which sounds weird and like hocus pocus but really it’s just a website that sends you messages. The froo froo side of me loves it.

Today’s told me:

Whatever it is you want, however you want to have it, no matter why you want to have it, Sizzle, you can have it faster if you can first be happy without it.

Well Universe, I hate to break it to you but I’m one step ahead of you. Last Saturday, oh yes Valentine’s Day, The Fella and I decided to take a break from our relationship. What does this mean? I am not sure except that we were both not feeling happy and tired of having the same conversation we’ve been having for months. So we are refraining from communication for the next month to see if time helps us have clarity.

I don’t know what will come of this. But something had to give.

I debated saying anything about it because I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. But then I just decided to just spill it because it feels weird to me to keep something so major from the diary of my life (this silly little blog). I have a lot to explore internally and hopefully the next few weeks will give me the space to do that. I’m always trying to examine myself and my motivations but I’ve felt like I’ve hit a wall which has prompted me to try out a new therapist next week with the hopes of delving deeper. Because ultimately it’s me I will always have to live with and if I can’t figure myself out, I’m doomed.

“I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m./To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend/I woke up with a headache like my head against a board/Twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before/I went in seeking clarity./I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains/I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain/There’s more than one answer to these questions/pointing me in crooked line/The less I seek my source for some definitive/The closer I am to fine.” -Closer to Fine, Indigo Girls


62 thoughts on “Seeking Clarity

  1. I will think good thoughts for you figuring this all out. Being an adult is really hard work! I hope that the time apart clears things up for both of you and that you both end up happy and fulfilled.

    That song is one of my favorites! And I am off to check out Notes From the Universe…sounds like something I would love!

  2. You and The Universe are so in tune. Trust in what you are doing, you will find the clarity you want and will be better for it, even if it sucks hard at times.

  3. I think you should go somewhere, for just a day, if you cannot be gone longer. Just you. Somewhere with no internet, no broken plumbing or needy tenants. Give yourself a retreat where you’ll have a chance to think, write out thoughts, and just BE.

    And bravo to you for seeking out a new therapist. Therapy is a wonderful thing.

  4. i remember one time i posted that indigo girls song on my blog, and you mentioned you loved it.

    also, tut pisses me off fairly regularly. and why is he up at 3:43am sending out these things to us?!

    hope that you find the clarity that you are looking for in these next few weeks, love. wishing you lots of peace and whatever it is that will bring you the happiness that your heart deserves.

  5. “Because ultimately it’s me I will always have to live with and if I can’t figure myself out, I’m doomed.”

    Your self-awareness here is MIGHTY. I spent the first half of my marriage completely unhappy (hello 309 pounds!) and then eventually came to the slow realization that I’d placed the responsibility for everything that was wrong with me, my life and the whole wide world right on my husband’s lap. In reality, it was me all along. I am the only one responsible for making me happy – he’s just along for the ride. Everything changed when I adopted that attitude and we’re still married, most of the time happily so.

    So you go girl! You’re definitely on the right track.

  6. I wish you the very best. More than once my fella and I had to take a week apart (yes, because that is all we could stand, silly kids) and just having the quiet makes things a lot easier to figure out.

  7. Sometimes you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone. Other times, you feel relieved to no longer have it. I think you’re one smart lady for taking this break to figure out a little bit of life. Be true to yourself, girl.

  8. That song always makes me stop and think. During a bit of a rough patch, I listened to it a number of times a day. And in some ways I think it helped.

    Tough about the Fella, but it sounds like a good decision for you and I hope the break helps you figure some things out.

  9. Oh Sizzle, I wish there was something I could do! I think everyone just wishes for you to be happy, and I hope you find whatever it is you need to get there.

    Also, I don’t know why it is, but those lyrics always make me cry :)!

  10. However it goes it will be worth while. Love is tough and takes effort, you and the fella seem to love each other because you are making the effort.

  11. If I were there I’d give you a big hug, and then take you out for an even bigger margarita. Wish I had words of wisdom, but I dont. Matt and I broke up at least fifteen times in two years. See? No wisdom here. Hugs to you all the same.

  12. Wait… I meant for two years when we were dating. Not now. We’re not getting divorced. Sheeze. This is one of those days when I need to shut down the computer and not subject the rest of the world to my spazziness. Anyway, sorry about the breakup. I’m going to verbally quarantine myself now.

  13. Speaking of notes from the universe, sometimes really relevant truths are held in songs for us to find. They may not say all that we want to, but if it helps us express how we are feeling? It helps.

    I’m sorry about the break in things, but sometimes things are what they are. It’s good that even on that day of days, you were willing to put a finger to it. What we can’t work thru sometimes just brings us down. Good luck, in clarity. I know you’ll find it, if you are true to You.

  14. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation to gain any clarity on it. I hope you figure somethings out!

  15. ouch, on valentines day. ouch. sounds like it was mutual though, which is better for the heart in some ways.

    …one door closes, another opens…

  16. I get the notes too, I love em. Sending you lots of hugs. May this month give you the clarity you seek. Whenever I have asked for clarity, all hell breaks loose, so hang on.

  17. I find the big romantic occasions are always when the big decisions are made. I’m glad you two are being so sensible about it. A lot of people can be so spiteful when things go wrong. I really hope things work out for the best for you both. *hugs*

  18. Lots of hugs your way. And a big fat yay too! It takes a lot of courage to make this decision and to seek help when one has hit a wall. Good for you, and I hope you find the answers you need sooner than later.

  19. I hope the month brings you clarity on something, and I think it’s a very healthy attitude to (a) seek to be okay with yourself, and (b) to not have the same conversation over and over if it’s not being productive. I wish you luck, and many hugs!

  20. I have a hard time figuring myself out, too, largely because I keep changing the subject every time I sit down to talk about me.

    Spending a lot of time in coffee shops writing in my journal helps keep me focused.

  21. Justrun had it – the only way out is through. I hope you both get the clarity that you need. Whatever the outcome will be what it should. You’re wise to be taking this route.

    Great lyrics. I love that album, lots of truth in it. “Language Or the Kiss” will always bring back a very poignant part of my life whenever I hear it.

  22. hi there, i’ve been reading for a while without commenting, but your writing about you and the fella has really tugged at my heart as i have been experiencing some of the same things. you, however, seem much more clear-headed than i was. i think you are making a very smart (and very brave) decision to take time to think about things clearly, and separately. i hope you find the clarity you’re looking for!

  23. I think you are very brave. The overall tone of your post doesn’t seem distraught or broken-hearted, so I’m hoping you’re dealing with it well. You certainly seem to be.

    Here’s hoping you find your clarity, and a big pat on the back for knowing yourself well enough to be alone for the right reasons.

  24. Enjoy your month! I hope work is quiet on all fronts so you can spend some time doing whatever YOU want to do – whatever makes YOU happy.

  25. I wish you could have been with me when things ended with my man friend on vday too. I seriously threw my black berry across the room on Tuesday and Friday this week. I HATE the Universe. How does it know so much?

    Thinking of you and hoping that this month brings you what you need.


  26. Thinking of you today, and hoping that your Sunday has some small comforts for you, to fill your reserves. You are not made of fail– you are made of win. Just believe!(then go out and conquer your week)

  27. So sorry to hear this…I’m sure that taking a break will indeed help clarify things. Sending much strength to you for getting through the experience, and hoping that things resolve for the best.

  28. I’m reading backwards, obviously. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through something so difficult and painful. I love good therapy, and I hope it helps bring clarity. I love that song, too, and am always seeking clarity . . . What’s more important than feeling like your actions are congruent with your heart? Sending good vibes to you.

  29. I’m sure this is for the best for you and the fella. The time away from eachother will either make or break the relationship. I tend to think in terms of the latter, but I will remain optimistic in spite of my realism.

    Sending you a big platonic hug from No Cal.

  30. I am SO FREAKED OUT by this. I read this post and didn’t even realize I used the same title on my post. And it’s weird because both posts are existential but very different (or at least the types of clarity we seek are).

    Hope you find yours (clarity). I’m thinking I’m going to try to be content in the mystery.

  31. I think it’s a good idea to try that out. Sometimes you can be too close to the problem to see it, and it’s very hard to step back from a relationship and see the forest for the trees.

    Sometimes I think I’m lucky that my geezer and I spend so much time apart (due to working away on different rosters) because the change in perspective is constantly being forced on us. Distance does make the heart grow fonder, but it also gives you the strength to walk away if you have to. Everything will work out for the best.

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