Trendy Says What

The recent Real Simple magazine had an article called “Spring Trends 101.” Each trend had an explanation of who the style would best suit. I am a short, busty, chubby woman with freckled, pale Irish skin. This is important to note.

1.) The color fuschia: “Keep in mind: Avoid this bright on top if you’re busty or on the bottom if you have full hips.”
No fuschia. Check.
2.) The “boyfriend blazer”: “Since the point is to look as if you’re wearing a man’s jacket, avoid this trend if you have a large chest, because it will subtract from the desired roomy fit.”
No “boyfriend blazer.” Check.
3.) Grommets and studs (hems, necklines, accessories): “If you are over 40 and aren’t sure the look is right for you, skip it.”
I’m not yet 40 but why risk it? (Almost) 36 is closer to 40 than it is to 30.
Limit grommets and studs to accessories, maybe. Check.

4.) The jumpsuit: “Anyone who is bottom- or top-heavy should steer clear.”
Duh. I’m certain to look dumpy in a jumpsuit. It’s like a mumu with legs.
No jumpsuits. Check.

5.) Nudes (the color, not being naked): “Best for olive skin tones.Though, “blush- and rose-tinted nudes marry with fair and light skin tones.”
Careful with the nudes. In all contexts of the word. Got it. Check.
6.) Messenger handbags: “Forgo this style if you have a large bust, since the bag won’t lie comfortably…”
No messenger handbags. Check.
7.) Snakeskin shoes: ANYONE CAN WEAR THEM.
Finally! Go ahead with your snakeskin shoes, girl. Check.

So if I dressed myself based on this trend list, I’d have very little to wear.ย  Who said I wanted to be fashionable anyhow? Le Sigh.

In other news, apparently they can’t send a fat reporter to cover Fashion Week so they put a thin girl in a fat suit and sent her on her chubby way. To that I say WHAT THE FUCK.


42 thoughts on “Trendy Says What

  1. I’m sorry, but the color fuschia? Who wears that?!

    As for the Fashion Week thing, that’s just stupid. Sending a skinny girl in a fat suit? I don’t know where to begin with this.

  2. Personally I’m RELIEVED me and “the girls” are exempt from the jumpsuit. THE JUMPSUIT? I didn’t know that was ever a good idea. And Annie Hall is a great movie, but I’m not about to go raid the closet for blazers and mens wear. Sizz, I’m sure you look lovely in whatever you wear. From one busty, pale Irish woman to another.

  3. I am built like a stick, pretty much the same size everywhere(no boobs) and I always find none of the trends work for me either. Shoes I can get on board with though!

  4. Everything about this depressed me. Which is why I stopped reading fashion magazines long ago. If I like it I wear it. I think I have a fairly good idea what does and does not look fat on me. Wait a minute… I think Clinton and Stacy just walked through the door. Crap.

  5. Fat suit sucks.

    I am still carrying my messenger bag… I don’t care what they say. Unless they are providing me with a thin girl to walk around with all my shit, fuck em.

  6. Geez, I’m not wearing snakeskin so I guess there’s nothing left. I’ll just stick to jeans and black shirts. Meh to trends. And the fatsuit? Don’t even get me started. Grrr.

  7. I *heart* What Not To Wear.
    While I’m aware my style is more “adolescent boy” than “fashionista”,
    and I should prolly avoid any of those trends like the plague? It sure would be nice to go shopping like they do, and pick out all sorts of pretties. –what the heck, maybe even a bedazzled fuschia top too! heh.

    I say, wear what makes you feel flattered and nice. You have the smile to set off any outfit!

  8. What’s this about messenger bags not being for full-figured gals? I love to feel it bounce off my ample frame! Wasn’t there an article recently that said people with flat butts are sad?

  9. that is so screwball. And don’t even get me started on the news article. Grrr. Luckily I know you and yr hot and have a ton of style anyhoo- but YEah! Geez!

  10. I love your posts – they are so refreshing even when I’m thinking WTF the whole time. Ha. And not able to find a fat journalist? Please. The Rocky Mountain News just shuttered its doors. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of out-of-work journalists. And I’m quite sure at least one of them has to be fat.

  11. I can’t wear fuschia either. Not with my haircolor! I like blues and greens. And black. Always love black!

    The fat suit thing is fucking ridiculous. GRRRR!!!

  12. Don’t even get me started with those “fat suit” reporters… “Everyone was staring at me! I felt like I was the ugliest person alive!” well, um, they’re looking at you because you have a CAMERA CREW and don’t know how to walk (unless you’re skilled at negotiating a Starbucks in a sumo wrestler costume), you’re drawing attention to yourself.

    I tip my hat to shops like Torrid that use REAL girls for models. Not the gals who are a size 10 and therefore ‘technically’ a plus-size, but they have fantastic proportions or whatever and no big girl would consider them part of the crew. Torrid uses the real girls who wear their stuff (or they used to, anyway). Wanna see what those jeans will look like on a size 24 with a flat butt and thick thighs? Here you go! Too bad their clothes are all made so crappy, especially for the price. But it was still nice to see real women in their advertising.

  13. Please NO ONE wear fuschia!

    That article about the “fat” reporter MADE ME CRAZY. Especially the outfit they gave her! Jeez! I just think this “fat suit” idea may be a bit overdone.

  14. Ok. I’m suggesting that you wear a fuchsia blazer with nothing underneath and just tell everyone that it’s a nude jumpsuit. I personally believe that grommets and studs should be reserved for underwear, like the ones I wear to the gym to scare everybody off. Actually, that goes for snake skin too.

  15. Here’s where I say: CLASSIC ALL THE WAY! I mean, really, who wants to look like a “2009 Spring” fashion plate anyway? I’m a big fan of my clothing NOT being defined by the “trends” of the season.

  16. This is why I don’t read the fashion pages (and it shows!) I get so confused! Wear this, don’t wear that, this colour, not that colour arghhhh!!!
    I know what I like and what makes me feel comfy and to hell with it!
    PS I’m a lot closer to 40 than you are and I don’t even know what a messenger bag is!!
    You’re gorgeous – especially in red ;o)

  17. I am torn between laughing my ass off at your adorable commentary and being horrified that jumpsuits are back in.

    Of course, considering leg warmers made a comeback, I should just effing prepare myself for the resurgence of acid washed jeans. Sigh.

  18. Be you thin or fat there is no excuse for wearing a jump suit.

    I think if you follow all the conflicting tips in magazines I think you’d end up wearing some funky looking outfits ๐Ÿ˜‰ There’s an article in that idea isn’t there… maybe we could sell it to someone! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  19. How about fuschia shoes? Snakeskin shoes, fuschia shoes… maybe as a busty, round, red-headed girl with pale skin, this is why I have SO. MANY. SHOES.

  20. OMG I read this SAME article in my copy and had the exact same reaction, I too am short, busty and chubby. Apparently I should just skip spring all together.

  21. There’s not much I can wear from that list either except the shoes. Only problem is during the spring/summer I prefer Reef flip flops exclusively. And I don’t care what my chest looks like, I’ll carry my messenger bag thank you very much.

    Who writes these things?

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