The recent Real Simple magazine had an article called “Spring Trends 101.” Each trend had an explanation of who the style would best suit. I am a short, busty, chubby woman with freckled, pale Irish skin. This is important to note.
1.) The color fuschia: “Keep in mind: Avoid this bright on top if you’re busty or on the bottom if you have full hips.”
No fuschia. Check.
2.) The “boyfriend blazer”: “Since the point is to look as if you’re wearing a man’s jacket, avoid this trend if you have a large chest, because it will subtract from the desired roomy fit.”
No “boyfriend blazer.” Check.
3.) Grommets and studs (hems, necklines, accessories): “If you are over 40 and aren’t sure the look is right for you, skip it.”
I’m not yet 40 but why risk it? (Almost) 36 is closer to 40 than it is to 30.
Limit grommets and studs to accessories, maybe. Check.
4.) The jumpsuit: “Anyone who is bottom- or top-heavy should steer clear.”
Duh. I’m certain to look dumpy in a jumpsuit. It’s like a mumu with legs.
No jumpsuits. Check.
5.) Nudes (the color, not being naked): “Best for olive skin tones.Though, “blush- and rose-tinted nudes marry with fair and light skin tones.”
Careful with the nudes. In all contexts of the word. Got it. Check.
6.) Messenger handbags: “Forgo this style if you have a large bust, since the bag won’t lie comfortably…”
No messenger handbags. Check.
7.) Snakeskin shoes: ANYONE CAN WEAR THEM.
Finally! Go ahead with your snakeskin shoes, girl. Check.
So if I dressed myself based on this trend list, I’d have very little to wear. Who said I wanted to be fashionable anyhow? Le Sigh.
In other news, apparently they can’t send a fat reporter to cover Fashion Week so they put a thin girl in a fat suit and sent her on her chubby way. To that I say WHAT THE FUCK.