Wise Up

I’ve taken to re-reading my old journals. All 16 of them.

It’s sort of like watching a horror movie where you are half-covering your eyes and screaming out to the lead actress: DON’T GO IN THERE! THAT’S WHERE THE KILLER IS! But of course, she goes. She always goes.

In my case though I feel like yelling: STEP AWAY FROM THE ASSHOLE! Damn, I really did date some serious wankers. And all the while I took it on as some sort of mission to understand and grow and enrich my life. Blargh. What a load of crap. I sure wasted a lot of time on men who were very bad for me all for the sake of “personal growth.”

The worst part of re-reading these journals is seeing how much energy I poured into relationships that went nowhere. Blind people probably saw they were not going anywhere and yet, I kept at it. I suppose it was not all in vain. I did become wiser (and a little jaded). And I’ve certainly honed my ability to sniff out a jackass. Finally, at almost 36, I can recognize and appreciate a nice guy.

At least I think I can.

If not, let me live the lie for a little while longer.

I thought I’d share some of the wieners winners:

The Guider– Um, this could potentially be too graphic for my blog (Hi! Mom!) but he was the kind of guy who “guided” you to his cock. ALL. THE. TIME. Jesus, enough already. I know where it is and I will visit when I feel like it.

The Krazy Korean– Hi, stalker. He brought me a bunch of “gifts” from 7-11 when he first met me and then within the first 10 minutes said, “I’ve been wanting to do this ever since I met you” and then promptly kissed me. Maybe that could be romantic in certain instances but it had only been TEN MINUTES. He then proceeded to call me at work when I never gave him my work number, show up unannounced repeatedly and tell me I had never dated a real man (until him, of course). Buh Bye.

Sweatpants– No man has ever made a compliment sound like a put down better than him.

Hairy Lizard– Maybe the first sign should have been that he wrote back to me from his on line profile when he was technically dating someone. (Why was it is still active?!) Maybe the second sign should have been that he told his girlfriend he was meeting up with some guy friend instead of me to see a concert in my town and then tried to dance all sexy up on me during the show. (It didn’t work.) Maybe when he was single weeks later and he finally kissed me I should have stopped right there. Because he kissed like a lizard.

Puff Daddy– Picture it: Me in my vintage 1940’s coat all gussied up and him, in an electric blue leather jacket, gold jewelry, gold sunglasses, driving up all smooth in his Cadillac. Within the first fifteen minutes as we rode up an escalator he tried to kiss me. When I pushed him back he said, “What? I’m just trying to get a little of your chapstick.” So I handed him the chapstick from my pocket and smiled. Side note: He ate sushi with a fork.

Self-Help Guru– This guy was a piece of work. He had a show on local access TV telling people how to live their lives fully. Every date was like visiting a life coach. He could do a wicked good Sean Connery impression though. Side note: Don’t simultaneously date guys who have one letter difference in their names because you will inadvertently call one by the other’s name possibly in the heat of a moment. D’oh! The end.

Pencil– The condom broke and after that he disappeared. Turned out he was seeing someone else after dating me for over a year. I had to find out from mutual friends who saw him with her. But with that break up came clarity, a loss of 60lbs and the end of my pot smoking days. Happy ending!

Mr. Grass– After a few weeks together he admitted he was a pot addict so while he was trying to get healthy we tried just being friends. That did not work. I believe at one point I said: How about we can the friends thing and just have sex? Priorities. I know. During the two separate times we “dated” he lived in the woods illegally or in his van. He also is the man who said to me once, “I don’t know what I’d say to someone if they commented on your body shape.” How about you say, “You are a shallow asshole”? Which is basically what I said to him.

King Ick– Do not get me started on this one. Years down the drain and multiple journals full of this King of the Horribles. Let’s just say that no one has ever made me feel more like a piece of shit than him. There is a reason I have referred to him as “the personification of my self-loathing.” Side note: He also lived in his van. Yes, that makes two homeless boyfriends. I AM A WINNER.

Mick– A one night stand that turned into a 6 month relationship. Proof positive I should avoid one night stands at all cost because I clearly do not know how to do them. Also, he was a pothead and hated himself and was probably a sex addict.Β  He would frequently punch walls, have complete freak outs and say horrible things to me out of his own self-hatred. He even fake cried when I broke up with him. FAKE CRIED.

And this is just a partial list!

Hangs head.

“It’s not/What you thought/When you first began it/You got/What you want/Now you can hardly stand it though,/By now you know/It’s not going to stop/It’s not going to stop/It’s not going to stop/’Til you wise up…”Wise Up, Aimee Mann

50 thoughts on “Wise Up

  1. Bright side: at least you know what you DON’T want in a guy. And that, Ms. Sizzle, is quite an important thing.

    You deserve only the best.

  2. I hope it’s not wrong that I just had supreme giggle fits over this post. At least you know they were frogs now though, right?

  3. Let’s see, if I did this same post I’d have to admit to the world that I did not date any epic wankers. Sheltered, I tells ya.

  4. Be careful what you write about these guys, one of them might email you and ask you to stop writing about them. Not that I would know anything about that, I’m just saying. πŸ™‚

  5. Fake cried? That’s pretty bad. For your sake, I’m sorry this list exists…but it was pretty entertaining to read. It’s amazing the kinds of guys we can accrue over the years. Thank goodness for journals to remind us not to make the same mistakes again!

  6. The Guider reminds me of that episode of SATC where that guy keeps trying to drag Charlotte’s head down to his crotch while she resists. Ugh.

  7. Tut tut. Sizzle did NOT find them all. I could make a massive list myself. How about the guy who said I should get liposuction like his mom? Or the one…two…um, three that were “self employed” which meant either “I have no job” or “I play online poker for money.”
    Or the one that cheated on his girlfriend when he met me, and while I had the decency (ha!) to insist he break up with her if he was going to date me, which he did, somehow I was surprised when he cheated on me months later…
    But hey, this is all so we can spot and appreciate a NICE GUY when we find one! Give yourself some credit for that. πŸ™‚

  8. You have the best names for people.

    β€œI don’t know what I’d say to someone if they commented on your body shape.” How about you say,
    1. She is kind of short
    2. I know, she’s got great tits, right?
    3. She’s a real hotty, I agree!

    What else would they be saying?

  9. Now I wish I hadn’t gotten rid of my journals. Tho, I would totally die if someone else happened upon them, so they’re gone! LOL

    Your list had me LOLing. But I was totally laughing WITH you not AT you.


  10. That’s an incredible number of journals! I maybe had 3 and they’re all half finished.

    This may explain why you’re an awesome blogger and I suck…

    Also your love life is way more interesting than mine. And what else are journals for than to document your love life in excruciating detail? Or blogs for that matter…

  11. There is a song called bowling ball by … i think … a group called superchic(k). it’s awesome, and i recommend all women adopt it as a theme song.

    i have several winners in my past as well.

    And in case no one has told you yet today – you rock!

  12. I really think some time should be devoted to you posting these journal entries, in the name of saving other women from men like these.
    Consider it a good deed πŸ™‚

  13. Heeeeeeeeey…I thought I had dated all the losers in the universe! Are you hornin’ in on my claim to fame here, Sizzle? Cuz if you are, I’ll duke it out witcha. Oh, nevermind. I don’t date now. At all. And seriously? The biggest downer is that I can no longer endlessly entertain my work colleagues with the weekly installment of, “Tales from the Dating Crypt: The Weekend Version.” I swear they just have no more use for me. I bet if we joined our material together we’d have one fatass bestseller there.

  14. Is it wrong that this made me laugh? You should write a book for men on how to act so women will be able to tolerate them.

    I dated a guider too. I didn’t have a clever name for him though.

  15. I wonder if I made any woman’s list of serious wankers. Probably.

    By the way, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I can say, seriously and without any sarcasm, that you are a winner. It’s true. Well, except for the cats.

  16. Wow, sizz! I know these guys were total duds but part of me wishes I had such stories for nothing more than humour’s sake.

    But the fake crier? WTH????

  17. Oh, god, the fake cry! I have had the same experience, and I wanted to smack him for it.
    You should definitely trot out a few more of these losers in another post – these were fantastic.

  18. That is why I got rid of my journals. And they were just about one person.

    What a bunch of characters! You should write a book. Self-Help Guru sounds particularly funny to me πŸ™‚

  19. Hahaha, fantastic first few paragraphs. So dead on. I love reading old journals, particularly middle school ones where I want to reach back in time and spank my emo ass into realizing that JASON ISN’T WORTH ALL THAT ACNE RIDDEN ANGST.

  20. Wow. They are really losers, but Sizzle we all have notebooks full of dating losers, at least I do :-). I am now in the process of getting over the last one I wasted 6 years on and I am old enough to know better :-).

  21. First off that song started playing in my head the moment I read the title. So excited you were thinking of it.

    Wow this was fascinating. I never tire of hearing relationship stories and since I seem to camp out in relationships I only have two real exes to speak of.

    What a bunch of douches though. It’s seriously unbelievable.

  22. without it sounding insulting: that’s a lot of guys – where the hell do you meet so many? No, that’s a serious question, cos when I was single there were no single guys – or guys pretending to be single. Probably says more about me actually … πŸ˜‰

    old diaries are hard to read sometimes. Thankfully I threw out all the ones from the teenage years cos, well, no one wants to read about those years ago, right? πŸ˜‰

  23. Your description of your ex’s are hilarious!! Doesn’t it make you so grateful that you realized you deserved better? I think it’s fun to read through old journals just to see how my thought process was when I was younger. I get a good laugh out of that!

  24. Oh my. I couldn’t even begin to go through my list… I think we may have dated some of the same people tho’. LOL.

  25. don’t beat yourself up over your dating past. for instance, i too dated a man who lived in his van, who was separated from his (very wealthy) wife, with whom he had two daughters. he told me that the pot he smoked three times a day was his “prozac” and he also had a nasty temper. i like to refer to him as My Temporary Moment Of Insanity (That Lasted Three Months). (but i usually leave that last part off.)

  26. andddd once again I am reminded why I don’t want to get back out there again just yet! Why on earth do we keep putting ourselves through it? ;o)

  27. I don’t know if this makes you feel any better, but your partial list is way longer than my entire list? Hindsight is always 20/20, eh?

  28. Now that is quite a list! And only partial, hmmmm? Methinks it has the making of a great book, a kind of mash-up autobiography and relationship advice book. You could be a best-selling author!!! πŸ™‚

  29. After I dated a supreme asshole, my patience for weird/wrong guys plummeted. One guy I met wanted to introduce me to his pet rat. Willard didn’t get a second date.

    I hope that after all those losers, karma brings you someone wonderful.

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  31. I totally had a one-night-stand that turned into one of the worst relationships of my life. Because I wouldn’t just let it be a one-night-stand. Oh, how I needed to let my pride fall by the wayside on that one.

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