Here’s a newsflash for plus sized swimwear designers- Fat does not equal Ugly. I may be fat but that does not mean I have no fashion sense! Excuse me very much but I don’t want to wear some donkey ass fugly swimsuit just because I happen to carry extra weight. Add to that equation that I’m also very busty which can make me look bigger (or more attractive depending on the beholder) and I am basically shit out of luck when it comes to finding an adequate swimsuit that I can actually work out in.
I realize many people have the idea that water aerobics is for a bunch of old blue haired biddies but I am here to dispel that myth. The class I take is strenuous. After my first class I woke in the middle of the night with arm pain. ARM PAIN, PEOPLE. From water aerobics. The teacher pushes us and while it might be low impact on my knees (which is why I go) it’s a high impact workout. If you do not believe me then I dare you to come to class with me and keep up. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.
So, my breasts. . . I cannot wear a suit that won’t hold my girls up and in. Locked and loaded as they say. It’d be really tragic if I was exercising and WHAM! a tit came flying out and smacked me in the eye. Okay, amusing and tragic. Maybe that isn’t possible but I do not want to find out. My current swimsuit while a bargain and hot pink (woo!) does not strap the girls in enough and I find myself pulling my suit up periodically throughout class. This is very inconvenient. (This is also why I cannot do the tankini for class. Too much room for error with that kind of suit.)
I’ve looked high and low and here’s what I’ve found. There are a lot of ugly ass suits out there. No one, regardless of their size, loves swimsuit shopping (that I have met). It’s painful at best. Let’s just recognize that and move on. Someone please explain these to me:
Is this a fucking negligee?! I need a swimsuit not sleepwear.
P.S. I do not need a skirt. I am not 84 years old.
Also, I hate to state the obvious but this woman is not actually Plus Sized. Ahem!
This suit advertises that you will instantly look ten pounds lighter when you put it on. I have tried this suit on in black and you know where I lost the advertised ten pounds? IN MY TITS. Not necessarily my first choice. And I know why they call it a MiracleSuit. IT’S A MIRACLE YOU CAN BREATHE WHILE WEARING IT.
Side note: while I don’t love the tropical pattern of the suit above every time I look at that photo I want to put flowers in my hair and don large sunglasses and fly directly to Mexico. Do not pass go. FLY!
All hope is not lost though, my pretties. Because there IS actually a site with decent swimsuits for women of a certain size who need better coverage so they don’t lose an eye in water aerobics. The award goes to Land’s End. Major props! They have a good selection of plus sized suits that don’t suck- both for lounging and for working out. They even have an option where you can “try on” your suit virtually by making a model that looks like you. I cannot begin to tell you how awesome that is.
And now I must go order my new swimsuit. From Land’s End.