Just Swimmingly

Here’s a newsflash for plus sized swimwear designers- Fat does not equal Ugly. I may be fat but that does not mean I have no fashion sense! Excuse me very much but I don’t want to wear some donkey ass fugly swimsuit just because I happen to carry extra weight. Add to that equation that I’m also very busty which can make me look bigger (or more attractive depending on the beholder) and I am basically shit out of luck when it comes to finding an adequate swimsuit that I can actually work out in.

I realize many people have the idea that water aerobics is for a bunch of old blue haired biddies but I am here to dispel that myth. The class I take is strenuous. After my first class I woke in the middle of the night with arm pain. ARM PAIN, PEOPLE. From water aerobics. The teacher pushes us and while it might be low impact on my knees (which is why I go) it’s a high impact workout. If you do not believe me then I dare you to come to class with me and keep up. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU.

So, my breasts. . . I cannot wear a suit that won’t hold my girls up and in. Locked and loaded as they say. It’d be really tragic if I was exercising and WHAM! a tit came flying out and smacked me in the eye. Okay, amusing and tragic. Maybe that isn’t possible but I do not want to find out. My current swimsuit while a bargain and hot pink (woo!) does not strap the girls in enough and I find myself pulling my suit up periodically throughout class. This is very inconvenient. (This is also why I cannot do the tankini for class. Too much room for error with that kind of suit.)

I’ve looked high and low and here’s what I’ve found. There are a lot of ugly ass suits out there. No one, regardless of their size, loves swimsuit shopping (that I have met). It’s painful at best. Let’s just recognize that and move on. Someone please explain these to me:

swimsuit or sleepwear

Is this a fucking negligee?! I need a swimsuit not sleepwear.

i am not a plus sized model

P.S. I do not need a skirt. I am not 84 years old.

Also, I hate to state the obvious but this woman is not actually Plus Sized. Ahem!


This suit advertises that you will instantly look ten pounds lighter when you put it on. I have tried this suit on in black and you know where I lost the advertised ten pounds? IN MY TITS. Not necessarily my first choice. And I know why they call it a MiracleSuit. IT’S A MIRACLE YOU CAN BREATHE WHILE WEARING IT.

Side note: while I don’t love the tropical pattern of the suit above every time I look at that photo I want to put flowers in my hair and don large sunglasses and fly directly to Mexico. Do not pass go. FLY!

All hope is not lost though, my pretties. Because there IS actually a site with decent swimsuits for women of a certain size who need better coverage so they don’t lose an eye in water aerobics. The award goes to Land’s End. Major props! They have a good selection of plus sized suits that don’t suck- both for lounging and for working out. They even have an option where you can “try on” your suit virtually by making a model that looks like you. I cannot begin to tell you how awesome that is.

And now I must go order my new swimsuit. From Land’s End.


44 thoughts on “Just Swimmingly

  1. Everything you said is true. I like to shop for swimsuits at the end of summer when they’re trying to clear inventory to make room for fall clothes – then they’re on sale.

  2. I think it might be slightly more tragic if a tit came flying out and hit somebody ELSE in the eye…but again, depends on the beholder of said eye.

  3. That water aerobics class looks really hard. I halfway watch it when I swim laps during the time the class is in there and it looks sort of exhausting.

    I hate buying swimsuits. They never fit anyone correctly I think.

  4. I have a confession to make–I’m one of “those” women who wear the swim dresses. I have too much gut and I hate how it looks in a regular tank suit so I find the dress is very flattering on me and makes me feel less self-conscious when I’m walking around or sitting pool-side. But yeah, they would suck for water aerobics. The skirt does kinda get in the way, although it didn’t stop me from playing drunken water-volleyball last year…

  5. Seriously, what is it designers hate about breasts that they feel the need to develop swimsuits that torture them? Living in FL, I have a need to own a few. At the same time. So I am always on the lookout for them. It seems suits I find must squish my boobs so I feel my armpits resting on boobage, stick odd ornaments on the suit that jab into them, heft them up so they rest under my chin or conform them into an odd shape that resembles a flotation device. WTF?

  6. Ugh. I don’t even want to think about swimsuits (although I did just waste 20 minutes making a virtual model only to realize, hey! I’d made one before!).

  7. Land’s End has really cute bathing suits! I may have to pick up something new from them this year! 🙂

    And that Miracle Suit should be outlawed. It’s so uncomfortable it’s a miracle to live through trying it on. OUCH.

  8. And Land’s End has a most excellent return policy. Save that receipt!! If a stitch on your swimsuit so much as drops a teeny bit, they’ll replace it. Or say you are a dumb ass and you put your swimsuit in one of those spinny dry your swimsuit things in the locker room and it catches your swimsuit and tears it, they’ll replace it! (But, ummm, maybe don’t do that because your mom will potentially freak out on you. And create trauma that will last for years.)

  9. Ahh swimsuit hunting. Totally sucks. Though I have to say I sort of like the one that looks like a negligee. I also really like the skirt ones probably because I always wear skirts and just feel more comfortable in that. I still want to look sexy though.

    I must check out Lands End. I’m hoping to go to swimming a lot this year.

  10. As a “beholder” I think pictures of your boobs different suits are in order. 🙂 Curvy women are beautiful! Good luck finding something that you like, but I bet whatever you find it will look nice. Rock on.

  11. As a plus-sized girl, I have to say Lands End is my go to for swimwear. I’m ALWAYS happy with what I get from there. And I hear you about the miracle suits. C’mon! One of the perks of being plus sized (at times) is a nice set of ladies upstairs! Please aim lower, like say… the stomach area?

  12. Ugh. I find myself in a major depression whenever I have to buy a new swimsuit…

    Last year I ended up with a pink Lands End one-piece job for swimming a water aerobics, neither of which I have done since then.

    I love the Land’s End suit, but I was somewhat appalled that I tried on two suits and the “regular” sized suit was fully lined, but the next size up (“plus” sized), was not. Disappointing.

    Also disappointing that I bought a coat from Lands End in a basic black because the only other colors available in “plus” were brown and green…I found out a few weeks later that the “regular” sized coats came in a range of fabulous colors…

  13. Thank you for posting this! It definitely is a hassle if you have a larger breast-size to find a swim suit that will hold up your boobs and not flatten them out.

  14. Grrrr. I ranted about this recently over on Tori’s blog.
    Sears had some cute swimsuits out this year and I may go back to investigate further, but at first glance I wanted to stand at the top of the escalator and exclaim, “NO. MORE. TANKINIS!!!!”
    I had one when I was younger but it was kind of hip-looking and squeezed my middle in so that it looked like I actually had a waist. The ones with the flouncier top are cute and all but I imagine wet those things cling like crazy. Plus, any fancy water sports and I imagine it flips right up.
    I bought my last swimsuit at Everything But Water. It’s expensive, but the selection is amazing. However the swimsuit is already too big on me and I never wore it once.
    Again, grrrr.

  15. There are windows to one of the pools when you walk into my gym. Each week, I see the same group of approximately 20 women doing the water aerobics class. And I swear I want to join them. Only that would mean I’d have to find me a swimsuit. And as you’ve just stated, it’s painful at best. I might have to check out the Lands End of which you speak!

  16. LOL. Funny but true. Actually it’s funny and sad at the same time.

    I’m not fat but hate the loss of cute styles when you’re above a size 2.

  17. I know you already have a crapload on your plate but would you mind adding “plus size fashion designer” to the list? I would totally wear sizzle-designed and inspired clothing. Think about it.

    Thanks for the Land’s End recommendation…I just may find a suit that I don’t cover with shorts and a tshirt or tanktop!

  18. While my water aerobics class was full of old ladies barely moving, if you actually did the exercises, it kicked your ass. The nice thing about the old ladies, is that don’t give a shit what you look like in your bathing suit.

    My fear of the tankini is that the ladies will be slipping out below.

  19. I don’t know what your suit looks like but I can never find one that can adequately hold the twins in but that also doesn’t make me look like a 300 lb old lady. So my last swimsuit I just so happened to be able to wear a sports bra underneath. I thought it would look cheesy or tasteless, but it actually looked ok and did wonders for the boobies!

    Did you end up ordering a suit from Lands End? What did you get?

  20. My current favortie ‘swimsuit’ is a sports bra and a pair of workout shorts. The last time I owned a skirted suit I felt like I was about 100 years old and wanted to rip the fekking skirt OFF because it’s forever getting in the way.

    Fortunatley, I’m getting to an age at which nobody expects me to look anywhere near good in a suit anymore – a fact I relish. Mmmm, relish.

  21. OK – anything that makes your boobs different colors is fucking wrong, no matter what size it is. The designer that came up with that 2nd suit needs a different job.

  22. I like the Living Ikat Print from Land’s End. OK, sue me. I went to the site to see the women in bathing suits. What did you end up getting?

  23. Too funny about the Miracle Suit…hadn’t read your post before posting mine, LOL. Glad you found some at Land’s End. I love water aerobics and will be starting back up soon. You are right, it’s ass kicking and people won’t get it until they try it.

  24. I also am not 84 and I loooooveeeeee swim suit skirts. They have seriously cute ones out there (says my not 20 year old self)!

  25. Though I’ve worn about a dozen different sizes in suits, depending on the brand, I always ALWAYS have trouble finding tops with enough support for my chest. I mean, what are these designers thinking? Last I knew women on the beach HAD BOOBS!

  26. Totally here you on the aquafit. I used to take a class that would flatten me still.

    I too have the boobal issues – more so lately which means I need to lay off the oreas. But I had one of those skirt suits that really held me down well (it was cute too, not nearly that negligee-ish.) But I digress. What I used to wear a sports bra under my bathing suit. It looks stupid but no fly-away breast, and no chafing. (Covers you for the tankini — seriously — zero support there.)

  27. Here’s an alternative idea for you, Sizzle. I also do the high intensity H2O workout, but my smallish girls tend to be tame. However, two other women in class wear cute sports bras under their regular, fashion forward suits, and it looks surprisingly undorky. Refreshing, even. Since the class is 100% women, nobody even notices. If you need another great option for ultimate support when you work out, please don’t overlook TitleNine. Their clothing rawks, and they will take it back any time, for any reason. They carry a special line for women who want to move yet cement the girls in place, and rate them by “barbells.” (5 being most support.) Check it out here http://tinyurl.com/2a9jzx

  28. I think shopping for swimwear just brings out all of a girl’s insecurities, no matter what her size. I certainly know that I look better with a few more layers on than a swimsuit offers. Blah.

  29. Ah swimsuit shopping is an ordeal isn’t it? I’ve put it off for years because I just can’t stand doing it. It’s not that I’m huge it’s just that I have large thighs and no swimsuit is going to hide them – because a swimsuit is not meant to cover your legs! I have a tankini but all that happens then is that the top rolls up and I have these huge granny-knickers-style bottoms on. This year I have promised myself a cute little bikini regardless of what my legs look like… so far I haven’t got round to getting it…

    About water-aerobics: my mother used do that and I used to go and watch! I thought it looked really fun but I hate water (drowned one too many times) so it’s a no-no for me unfortunately.

  30. A few things –

    – I love this post
    – I have to buy a new suit soon. I want to look for an awful one (shouldn’t be hard) just so I can say “donkey ass fugly swimsuit” to Steven
    – I REALLY want to try a swim class. I know you work your ass off! I would love to do something like that. I think I will look into what my community has to offer this summer (well, after the half marathon May 2 – that is when my schedule opens up)
    – You. Are. Hilarious.
    – Again. I love this post.
    – Off to Land’s End!

  31. You should also consider to It Figures line. The suits are very well made for actually swimming or water aerobics, not just looking cute at the pool.

  32. Before I got to the end of your post, I was thinking “she needs to check out Land’s End” but low and behold you beat me to it! I bought my swimsuit from there last summer and LOVE IT. They are truly awesome. (My girls are quite big too so I always need to find a swimsuit that holds them in because trying to explain a bruise on the face from one of the girls is AWKWARD.)

  33. I agree, no one, no matter what likes shopping for swimsuits. I will take your advice and check out Lands End. I shop there for so much other stuff, why not?

  34. Before I got to the end of your post, I was going to suggest Lands End. My mom got me a tankini suit and the bottom is almost kind of a skort (but it looks cute, I swear!). Also, Costco has some that look pretty similar right now.

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