I’ve taken up a few mantras because it’s really challenging to stay on the high road. Because, my friends, the high road is very high and I am afraid of heights. And certain people continue to challenge me so I need all the help I can get to stay on track. So sometimes I say things to myself like, “That is none of your business.” or “You deserve to be loved better than that.” or my personal favorite, “THAT IS NOT YOURS. LEAVE IT.”
Though I feel like a dog in training when I say that last one to myself. LEAVE IT. LEEEEEAAAAVE IT. All stern-like. All alpha dog-like. But damn it’s true and it works for me. I have to say it like 123 times a day but I figure by this time next year I’ll have that whittled down to at least, oh, 96 times. Baby steps.
I tend to pick up other people’s emotional crap and carry it or worse, waste time examining it. I have plenty of my own but by taking on the problems of others I get to a) look like a real godsend and b) continue to feed the controller in me and c) distract myself from my own shit. That’s what I refer to as the Trifecta of Dysfunction.
I don’t want to do that anymore.
I will not lie to you. It is very, very, very challenging to unlearn this behavior. Early on I was schooled in the ways of caretaking and it blossomed into being co-dependent. Add to that my domineering and bossy nature (hi! Aries!) and how I am prone to bouts of melancholy introspection and well. . . I need to get a grip.
I had a literal grip on my Dwight Schrute stress ball last week because if I hadn’t, I would have punched someone. I walked into therapy with it clenched in my hand but by the time the hour was up, I had put it down because I was too busy crying. But that’s okay. I needed to get to the feelings underneath the anger.
Underneath is a lot of sorrow and some deep-seated fear that I need to reckon with. If I can stop over-processing on what everyone else is thinking and feeling or, more frequently, imaging what they are thinking or feeling, I’ll have a lot more time to focus on me.
That scares the ever-loving crap out of me but the excavation must continue. I’m ripe for change and ready to face it.
“You have to laugh at yourself. You’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.” – Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls on the 1200 Curfews cd