No Thanks. I’m Full Up On Crazy.

I’ve taken up a few mantras because it’s really challenging to stay on the high road. Because, my friends, the high road is very high and I am afraid of heights. And certain people continue to challenge me so I need all the help I can get to stay on track. So sometimes I say things to myself like, “That is none of your business.” or “You deserve to be loved better than that.” orΒ  my personal favorite, “THAT IS NOT YOURS. LEAVE IT.”

Though I feel like a dog in training when I say that last one to myself. LEAVE IT. LEEEEEAAAAVE IT. All stern-like. All alpha dog-like. But damn it’s true and it works for me. I have to say it like 123 times a day but I figure by this time next year I’ll have that whittled down to at least, oh, 96 times. Baby steps.

I tend to pick up other people’s emotional crap and carry it or worse, waste time examining it. I have plenty of my own but by taking on the problems of others I get to a) look like a real godsend and b) continue to feed the controller in me and c) distract myself from my own shit. That’s what I refer to as the Trifecta of Dysfunction.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I will not lie to you. It is very, very, very challenging to unlearn this behavior. Early on I was schooled in the ways of caretaking and it blossomed into being co-dependent. Add to that my domineering and bossy nature (hi! Aries!) and how I am prone to bouts of melancholy introspection and well. . . I need to get a grip.

ANGERBALL

ANGERBALL

I had a literal grip on my Dwight Schrute stress ball last week because if I hadn’t, I would have punched someone. I walked into therapy with it clenched in my hand but by the time the hour was up, I had put it down because I was too busy crying. But that’s okay. I needed to get to the feelings underneath the anger.

Underneath is a lot of sorrow and some deep-seated fear that I need to reckon with. If I can stop over-processing on what everyone else is thinking and feeling or, more frequently, imaging what they are thinking or feeling, I’ll have a lot more time to focus on me.

That scares the ever-loving crap out of me but the excavation must continue. I’m ripe for change and ready to face it.

Bring it.

“You have to laugh at yourself. You’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.” – Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls on the 1200 Curfews cd

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32 thoughts on “No Thanks. I’m Full Up On Crazy.

  1. Oh, man– I so know what you mean about the “Leave It!” and excavation thing. I caught myself on Easter trying to to pick up worry about my sister’s teen…and just WHAT can I do about that,anyway??? That is Not your child, Bully! Leave it! Don’t get upset about something you cannot control!

    So yeah, why do I want to control and fix everything anyway? I’d rather just concentrate on my own little life, and try not to screw it up, thanks.

    Baby steps. Just keep on proceeding as you can. That’s all any of us can do. πŸ™‚ *hugs*

  2. I was watching a video recently where a particular blogger’s boyfriend was doing an impression of Cesar the Dog Whisperer and he kept saying, “Calm and assertive…calm and assertive…” It cracked me up but at the same time it’s almost become my new mantra. So I sort of imagine you saying “Leave it…LEAAAAAVE IT…” in a Cesar the Dog Whisperer voice. πŸ˜‰ Hey, that guy has a lot of good advice!

  3. You’re doing all the right stuff to get there — and at some point, this will all become second nature.

    Also, I am available for beat-downs. πŸ™‚

  4. I hear you on the imagining. That is probably the cause of 90% of my Crazy. And I agree, letting that go and “leaving it” is more than liberating.
    And soon, you’ll be on the beach, staring into the endless horizon and thinking “yep, I can definitely let this go.”

    Hugs!

  5. I think your short-term goal is to put your anger ball into your surrender box. Let the Universe handle that shit. As you said, you’ve got your own shit to deal with.

  6. I have a lot of the same issues as you do, and I know that trying to change anything about myself is a constant battle of concentration that tires me the f**k out. It’s hard work. I think you’ll come out on top though.

  7. I need one of those anger balls. I think we all do this to a degree and can relate to your problem. It is always a rough road changing long held onto habits, but you can do it!

  8. fuck yeah. and yes. and seriously. and go you.

    and of course, you typed that line from 1200 curfews…because i *love* it. like, sometimes i skip back just to hear that part again. it amazes me sometimes how such a small random comment can have such impact. and especially in this time.

    you are better than the menusha.
    *you* are NOT your stuff.

    xo

  9. First of all, I love that quote – it has been one of my favorites and most resonant for at least 10 years now.

    Second of all, you will get through this. It may not be easy, but you will, and at the end of it, you will be able to look back at it and feel better.

    Hugs from CA!

  10. The first step is recognizing the problem. You’re well on your way to healing…

    I can so relate to wanting to be the “fixer”.

  11. “That is not yours, leave it” is so perfect. You are awesome and I feel like I need to tell you that again so maybe you will believe it to the core of yourself.

    Maybe we need a support group for people trying to get out of the trifecta of dysfunction. I would join! Maybe it is something to do with being an Aries? Something in our nature? Besides the bossy part, we need to take things on that aren’t our own?

  12. After you have yourself trained with the “Leave it” can you come over here and work on Pedro ; )

    You are so on top of your emotions and working through things, someday I hope to get there.

  13. Trifecta of Dysfunction – that is priceless.

    I am getting better at not taking on stuff that isn’t mine, but it sure is a challenge. A daily challenge. One that I’m not sure I will ever find to be an easy way of life.

    You go girl!

  14. I’m up to my eyeballs in OPP- Other Peoples’ Problems’ and since I’m the guy sent to Deal with the Crisis, I drop those things like Hot Potatoes! Care: Yes. Deal with: when I can. Take Anything Home with me? NO! In NYC the term is: YOYO- You’re On You’re Own!All you’ll manage is to become Useless to help anyone else- including yourself.

    Life is Challanging enough without taking on how Others percieve you & ultimately doesn’t change a thing: Those who “Get”/ like you, those that know-are indifferent to you & those that run the gamit from misunderstanding to HATE you for whatever reason. Just watch out for the Scoiopath- they use Charisma & charm to get close but they are Soul-less Predators.

  15. Now I am going to walk around all day saying LEAVE IT!
    I think being in SC with friends and beach will be sooooo good for you, nothing like taking a step away from everyday life to bring the calm in.

  16. Ryan likes to make himself little physical reminders. Every now and then there’ll be a post it note here or there that says “STOP SHOULD’ING ON PEOPLE” or something like that.

    Your IG quote made me think of Regina Spektor’s “On The Radio”

    This is how it works
    You’re young until you’re not
    You love until you don’t
    You try until you can’t
    You laugh until you cry
    You cry until you laugh
    And everyone must breathe
    Until their dying breath

    No, this is how it works
    You peer inside yourself
    You take the things you like
    And try to love the things you took
    And then you take that love you made
    And stick it into some
    Someone else’s heart
    Pumping someone else’s blood
    And walking arm in arm
    You hope it don’t get harmed
    But even if it does
    You’ll just do it all again

  17. I will try to use the “leave it” today. My problem is picking up others’ bad attitudes. I’ll be waltzing along all happy and la la and someone is a jerk. Instead of just thinking, wow, what’s THEIR problem? I let it bother and bother until I am a jerk too.

  18. I just read your previous post and my God! What is going on in the blogging world right now? No wonder you’re in therapy. This has been a horribly sad week in the blogging world.

    I must say that I should be adopting some of your mantra’s for myself. I particularly like “leave it.”

  19. I repeat that quote all the time. Also I’d like to return some of those not so desirable Aires qualities. But since I/we can’t, good for you for trying to work through them and using a therapist. I wish you well. I really do.

  20. Ooooooh, how I feel you on this. So many times during my break up I had to take deep breaths and remember to keep taking the high road. Mainly when my ex was leading all our friends to believe I cheated. When, you know I didn’t and I broke up because of…well I’m still trying to high road it.

    The high road totally blows.

  21. I have a new mantra: Let It Be. Kinda the same as leave it. I’m having it tattooed onto my inner wrist next week. I was going to get “Breathe”, but then I saw the EAT right in the middle of the word, and once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it, yanno? And I need NO reminders to eat, thankyouverymuch.

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