Pseudo-Sizzle post, part Imnotbenny!

Sizzle was nice enough to ask me if I would fill in her Monday post since she won’t be here, and I just wanted to say that even though I haven’t had a chance to meet you in person, I still think of you as a friend. So, Sizzle, I hope you are having a great time in the sun right now, and I wish you a heartfelt, though belated, Happy Birthday. I hope I’m at least getting a piece of cake for this.

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So I’ve been getting a lot of phone calls lately from the number 000-000-0000. Normally I let the machine get it, because I still have an answering machine since I am stuck in the 20th century, but it’s always a hang up. Yesterday, my curiosity got the better of me and when I answered, it was Jeanine from the Smoker’s Rights Society.  Are you kidding me? This is what was so important that it warranted daily calls for two weeks? What could this lady possibly have wanted from me? Is there some sort of smoker’s protest march coming up or something? How far could a bunch of smokers march anyway before falling down wheezing and puking? Anyway, I never found out because this is how the conversation went:

Me: Hello?

Jeanine: “Hello, this is Jeanine from the Smoker’s Rights Society. Are you a smoker, sir?

Me: “WELL HELL YEAH! i’M A SMO-HO-HO-COUGH-COUGH-HAAAACK….”

Jeanine actually let me do that for about thirty seconds before she called me an asshole and hung up. Smokers have no sense of humor.

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I bought a box of  “Smokey Robinson’s (The soul is in the bowl!) red beans and rice” the other day. I’m probably never going to be in the mood to eat a bowlful of souls, I just like the weirdness of Smokey Robinson smiling at me when I open my freezer.  I figure that until I see a bag of Oprah fries or Dr. Phil fish-sticks, Smokey’s going to remain unchallenged.

philsticks1

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Dumb-ass quotes I hear which beg the question: “How is it possible that you didn’t realize that you just said something that was made out of dumb-ass?”

This is a quote from who is arguably a major douchbag, taken from the show “Millionaire Matchmaker”

I’m not proud of the fact that I watched this show.

Douchebag: “I don’t know if she was interested in me, which I found really interesting.”

What the hoo-hah does that shit mean? I reversed it just to make sure that I didn’t just have an aneurysm and confuse the words, but that is what he said.  Shortly after that, my cable box heaved itself onto the floor and broke after that same guy refused to eat his dinner salad until he had meditated for three minutes about eating his dinner salad.

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So I have a slipped disk in my back- according to the doctor, who was nice enough to hook a patient up with some Vicodin and muscle-relaxers. I don’t know if any of you have ever taken these two medications in combination before, but I will tell you a couple things that you should know:

1) You will be happy.

2) Your brain will cease to care if it makes sense anymore.

Yesterday, when I woke up, I had that helpless feeling you get after waking up from one of those naked-in-the-classroom type dreams. I have no idea what I was dreaming about, but the first thing I said when I woke, still half asleep, was “I never had a merkin.” I said this with quite a bit of dismay.

If any of you don’t know what a merkin is, I’ve added an illustration:

merkin5

Let’s hope that this is a freak side-effect of the medication, and not the beginnings of some strange, selective-wig fetish.

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Today’s post has been brought to you by Hubblewhig L. Mcspitz, the depressed English Angora rabbit!——————>

angora4

 

Imnotbenny: He’s pretty much made out of awesome.

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22 thoughts on “Pseudo-Sizzle post, part Imnotbenny!

  1. First, I am about to Google the Smoker’s Rights Society to see if I can get them to call me. Because that seems like it’d be almost as cool as getting a call from the Easter Bunny himself.

    Also, I wouldn’t go near any Dr. Phil fish-sticks because his logo would probably be all, “You’re supposed to be turning your damn life around, and look at you! Sitting here with some deep fried cod!” And then he’d do that condescending head shake and look at his cue card.

    Lastly, Hubblewhig L. Mcspitz looks like maybe he IS a merkin. Yet, sad. Strange.

  2. Well if it was sun you wanted, it was sun you got! Man!! We’re in a major heat wave down here! I sure hope your rental has AIR CONDITIONING!! Is this Santa Cruz, or The Mojave Dessert?

  3. Ok, I wasn’t gonna comment, but it looks like have haveta. I LOVED this post, and now will become your number 1 blog lurker. now, i’m gonna crawl back under my invisibility cloak where I belong. dammit.

  4. the merkin is one of the funniest inventions ever by humans.
    …ever watch The L Word? there was a (hated) character named stacey merkin. and they always used to call her “the vagina wig”
    it made me laugh every time.

  5. See? THIS is why I wanted Tim to post. You should all know his awesomeness and worship his blog.

    Dude, I’ve met Richard Simmons so that merkin is disturbing on many, many levels.

  6. I don’t know WTF you are Tim, Sizzle says you are like the male version of me (if that’s the case I am sorry about that case of scabies and anal leakage you currently have…I feel your pain, literally. But seriously, anyone who knows what a merkin is and then will proceed to use it in a post on Sizzles blog top that off with a rounded Richard Simmons face…well you are like the brother I never had.
    Supple

  7. I don’t know WTF you are Tim, Sizzle says you are like the male version of me (if that’s the case I am sorry about that case of scabies and anal leakage you currently have…I feel your pain, literally). But seriously, anyone who knows what a merkin is and then will proceed to use it in a post on Sizzles blog top that off with a rounded Richard Simmons face…well you are like the brother I never had.
    Supple

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