Jenny Two Times came for the weekend and as much as it pains me to admit it, I did not show her a good time. Unless your idea of a good time is when one of your best friends dumps a bunch of emotional crap on your lap, acts grouchy and pissy, and provides a blow up bed that slowly leaves you touching the floor by 4am and then drags you around trying to find an alternate solution.
Lucky for me Jenny Two Times knows how to handle my emotional outbursts. That’s what happens when you’re like family. I can be an uber-bitch all day and then the next morning, cry to her about what’s bothering me and then move past it.
Except, I guess I haven’t really moved past it. I’m writing about it aren’t I?
My friends tease me about being a control freak. They might refer to it as being anal retentive or bossy or inflexible or wound up tight. Anyone who knows me has seen it. I know this about myself and try to laugh it off. “Yeah, I’m totally like that. Isn’t it annoyingly endearing? Ha ha ha.”
Actually, no. It’s not. Not to me.
I am not sure I can adequately describe to you what it feels like internally to be that way. To be a certain way that you’ve been for as long as you can remember, but to know that it’s not a quality people necessarily admire in you nor is it a quality you particularly like in yourself. Except, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP. When I try to not be controlling, I do not feel like myself. I start to feel panicked. I feel anxious. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel angry at myself. I feel lost. I realize how irrational this might sound but it’s how I feel. Feelings aren’t often logical.
I hate this about myself. It’s a big reason why I don’t think I am very good at long term relationships. It’s a main reason why I beat myself up all the time. Being fat or being a control freak- take your pick. On any given day those two are probably battling it out inside me. Which one gets to wear the crown today?
I am really hoping therapy can help me unlearn this behavior because I am clear: I do not want to live like this anymore. It’s emotionally exhausting and damaging.