A Different Kind of Vagina Monologue

My name is Sizzle and I am an over-sharer.

There are many instances of my over-sharing. First and foremost, I am a blogger so it goes without saying that I like telling people my business.  I  over-share when I first meet someone, or at a party in a group setting, or on a date, over dinner, or, yes, even at work. If there was an over-sharing competition I’d win a gold medal for the United States. I over-share to the MAX. And the worst part? Half the time I don’t even notice I am doing it.

Take, for example, a recent work lunch where my entire department went out to eat with our new boss. Grated, I had met the new boss a few times prior to this and had just come from an hour meeting where we joked and laughed and I got the sense that we had similar senses of humor. I felt pretty comfortable with her.

So we’re all sitting around the table waiting for our food when RayLo brings up something about her mother- a startling fact that to me warranted further discussion. You see, RayLo’s mom wears pantyhose EVERY DAY. Even under jeans! My immediate thought was: Her vagina really needs to breathe. My secondary thought was: This explains A LOT about RayLo’s mom. (She’s a real piece of work, yo.)

In true Sizzle fashion I shared my thoughts aloud to the group  of all female coworkers because seriously this woman’s vagina is crying out for freedom. I find the whole situation alarming and amusing. Besides, there was a conversation lull, which is very dangerous when I am around. I tend to interject random and inappropriate information in those lulls. Beware of the lulls!

Most of you are probably shaking your heads thinking, “Sizz, you don’t talk about a coworker’s mom’s vagina over lunch with your entire department AND your new boss on her first day! Or EVER!” And yet, I did. And apparently RayLo claims I said the word vagina five times. My old supervisor chimed in, probably trying to get me to shut the fuck up, saying, “Sizzle is what we’d call an “over-sharer” but it’s one of her endearing traits.”

Let it be known: I am conversationally dangerous.

Proceed with caution.

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57 thoughts on “A Different Kind of Vagina Monologue

  1. That? Is hysterical. I would probably have said something, too, or would have just uttered an inappropriate curse word. I’m an inappropriate joke maker and curse word utterer. Utterer. That’s a new one. I also make jokes that are rife with double entendres. I’m shy at first, but once we’re friendly, it’s kinda no holds barred. Yeah.

  2. You’re my kind of girl, because I love the details (and inappropriate vagina references).

  3. Awesome, I wish I shared even a little. I’m what most people would call a stuck up bitch, but really, I’m just shy (I’m really a listener). Our conversations would probably be very interesting. 😉

  4. LMAO!! I’m sorry, but that’s awesome! Did you notice anyone looking at you funny when you were talking? LOL!

    It kind of reminds me of the time that I was conducting an interview with my supervisor and our clerk….we were trying to hire a temp to help us with work. The clerk and I had been to a sex toy party the week before and there had been plenty of discussion and laughter about the “anal beads” all week long.

    Before you read what happens next, let me mention that the interviewee was best friends with my supervisor. Ok, read on…

    Me being me didn’t even think twice when the interview was over, telling the interviewee that her necklace reminded me of anal beads. Yes, I know….what was I thinking? But if that wasn’t enough, I didn’t happen to see the “shut-the-fuck-up” look that my supervisor was giving me and I kept going on and on with the clerk about the anal beads. Oh, and did I mention that the interviewee was very religious as well? Yeah. It wasn’t until way later when she brought it up to me later did I even realize what I had done.

    Her: “Gina, I can’t believe you were talking about anal beads in an interview!”

    Me: “Oh my god. I wasn’t even thinking” (breaking out into fits of giggles.

    It’s a good thing she was a cool supervisor.

    Awesome story Sizzle!

  5. You’d totally fit in with me. And especially when I’m around my running friends. I talk about poo, butt crack chafe, and bras within a five minute space only to look around and realize there are people I’ve never met sittig at the table. Us open books make fast friends. 🙂

  6. My mom just emailed me to say this:

    “. .. not everyone is as comfortable with the word vigina as you are – next lunch use the word penis to show how well rounded you are.”

    Oh, just you wait. 🙂

  7. Did she explain the reason for the daily pantyhose wearing? I feel confused. It…well, you’re right — breathing is important.

  8. LOL.

    Another reason why I like you. I know that there would never be a dull conversation between us or a dull girl’s night out. If we worked together, there would be no dull days at work either but THAT might get us fired. Eventually.

    I am not one to contain laughter. yo.

    😛

  9. Sizz you crack me up. I sometimes wishes I lived in Seattle so we could be “real” life friends : )

    Oh, I thought about this morning. While exercising I was listening to one of Oprah’s Soul Series interview with Wayne Dyer and in it he says that we need not try to be something, but just be it. Somehow it resonated with your post from yesterday and thought maybe you might want to listen to it. You can download it free from the iTunes podcasts feature. Hope it helps.

  10. You have no idea how relieved I am to know I’m not the only person with this disorder. I have suffered the ridicule of my friends for years for oversharing personal information with anyone at anytime. My friends are all convinced they could craft a replica of My Honey’s penis with 99% accuracy. Someday I’ll make them prove it by asking them to compete for some kind of “golden penis” prize.

    If this were an Olympic sport, we’d both be on the podium.

  11. That is freakin’ hysterical. I am an oversharer too (3 blog posts yesterday-oops) but your story takes the cake. I almost lost the water (thru my nose) I was drinking while reading your post. Too funny!!! If I had been @ the lunch I would have laughed and hopefully that would have eased the awkwardness. 🙂

  12. That is really funny. I like your mom’s comment. This would be normal conversation at my job.

    And yeah, her vagina is dying for air.

  13. Questions that have been posed that I thought you might like the answers to:

    “Does she wear them to bed or with a swimsuit?”

    No.

    “Does she have varicose veins?”

    No. (Bonus!)

  14. Um, is RayLo a sister I don’t know about? My mom does the exact.same.thing. She was in the military for 23 years and wore pantyhose under her uniform every day for 23 years. To this day, she will not leave the house without pantyhose.

    And I can’t believe there is another weirdo out there.

    Please continue to over-share

  15. LOL! I am like that too! I think it is because I feel the need to be heard and connect with people. I think we would have fun together.

  16. Ha ha! We have a TMI person in our dept and amazingly it’s NOT ME. The other day at a dept lunch she overshared that she would lift her shirt and pretend to breastfeed her dolls when she was little. We were in a very nice restaurant, too. Ack!

  17. I don’t think that story is oversharing, I think it’s hilarious. Seriously, why would a woman wear nylons all the time? I can see how you would need to discuss it!

  18. You should’ve segued to garter belts, that’d solve the problem, right? 😉

    You just made me fractionally reconsider a post I have scheduled for tomorrow, but frak it, it’s written, queued, fall what may.

  19. I was watching a show a couple weeks back and the one mother wore winter leggings (the THICK pantyhose) inrrespective of the season, along with a spencer … I wonder if it’s not something to do with feeling secure?! Don’t become an ‘under-sharer’ now Sizz, we needs you.

  20. Now, if I were your new boss, I would have been laughing my ass off… Which leads me to ask, what exactly did she do?!?!

  21. LOL I’m the same. Ending up accidently telling my boyfriend’s aunt the size of his penis! I didn’t mean to I was just discussing condoms and which ones didn’t fit and why! It’s just that as soon as I get comfortable with someone I’m so releived that I just start talking and talking and talking.

  22. I knew we would get along perfectly and now I am absolutely positive. I overshare too and would have said the same thing you did! I try really hard to watch myself around the kids’ teachers and anyone like that but otherwise I don’t seem to be able to help myself.

  23. HA! You and me both sista. My department knows to tell me to “Engage the filter” when I start spouting inappropriate stuff. 🙂

  24. Well unfortunately my mother also where’s the p-hose.
    But they are surgical ones she needs for her venous insufficiency crap. AKA her veins suck analballs.
    That probably also explains a lot about her and where i am going to be in 40 years!!

  25. I overshare too. At the worst possible times. I assume an intimacy with people I hardly know – even withOUT alcohol. Go figure.

    Very funny. Maybe if you called it “virginia” instead of vagina…

  26. I used to work with a girl like that who was only, like 27. And I was always grossed out about the excessive panty hose use. True, as a plus size gal I have a hate-hate relationship with pantyhose, but seriously… under jeans? Ew. Just ew.

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