After my post about some of the guys I had dated before, my friend Kaply decreed that I needed a Boyfriend Review Board before ever dating again. I will sheepishly admit that this was not the first time someone close to me has made such a recommendation.
But listen. Those were the BAD matches and some of them only lasted a couple dates. I tried explaining this to Kaply but she was having none of it. I am pretty sure her exact words were, “Dude, two of them were homeless.” Technically, one lived in his van and the other only chose to camp illegally when he moved out of his communal living situation. For some reasons these facts did not dissuade her. In retrospect, I laugh because WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!?
And so I sent out an email to some of my wisest (and most wise-cracking) friends asking them to fill a seat on the Boyfriend Review Board. Their duty, if they chose to accept it, was to email me five screening questions that they think must be answered before a guy is cleared to date me. I’m not sure if I should refer to them as my sages or my bodyguards but I believe that if and when the time comes for me to rejoin the dating world, they will have a thing or two to say about who it is because apparently some people consider me a catch. I’m flattered. No, really I AM.
And now that I have sufficiently scared off any future boyfriends (howdy boys!), let me introduce The Board to you. In the weeks to come there will be posts with their interrogation interview questions because I can’t keep these gems to myself. They are too good.
Matt: Every Board should have a lawyer with a kinky side. Enter my friend Matt. Plus, he’d only known me a few hours and called me out on some of my shit. While unnerving, it makes him an excellent addition to the team.
RayLo: Any woman who can compare snowfall to dick size is a woman I want on my decision-making team. Not that she will be asking any suitors to whip it out. Or will she?
Bird: She’s the first person who requested such a system many years ago. Beware: she is incredibly positive by nature but wields a finely honed intuition. Bonus, she is a master at the Stare Down.
Supple: Her beauty and her tough demeanor might confuse a suitor at first but then WHAM! she let’s a big fart rip and starts telling off-color jokes. She is one tough cookie with the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy and a mouth like a sailor. Watch out boys!
Tomato: It only seems fitting that my first boyfriend be amongst the judges. And trust me when I tell you that his bullshit detector is very precise. He also has a direct line to my mother which could work for or against any potential suitors.
Jenny Two Times: Her blunt questions could make the bravest man quiver in fear. Plus, her gaydar will come in handy for weeding out closet cases. She is unrelenting in her inquisitiveness.
Mikey: His sarcasm surpasses all others. Can a guy match him? Can he catch obscure references? Is he too naive to deal? We shall see.
Kaply: Like a ninja she can swiftly cut to the quick, disarming even the most alert of predators suitors. She does not mind being contentious and frankly is the most comfortable being not nice out of all of my friends so fuck yeah I need her! Plus, she’s funny. If a guy can’t keep up with her wit, he’s toast.
We’ll kick off this series with Matt’s questions.
(Public Service Announcement: It is in your best interest to refrain from drinking any liquids while reading this as studies show that nine times out of ten you are likely to spit it out all over your white blouse/keyboard/cat in a fit of laughter.)
1. Are you making a suit out of human flesh?
2. Have you ever been the subject of a restraining order? If not, why not?
3. Does medication work better if you snort it?
4. Are you now, or have you ever been a member of any of the following groups: a)NAMBLA, b) The Republican Party, c) The 700 Club, or d) The Earth Liberation Front?
5. Is Jesus Christ your PERSONAL savior?
A “yes” on any of these should cause you to run immediately in the opposite direction. Additionally, I would categorically exclude any of the following:
- Bisexual Guys. You are the only person in the bed who should be thinking about other guys during sex. Call me old fashioned but I’m holding the line here.
- Theology Majors and Evangelicals. Saying ‘Oh God’ should not actually be a prayer. Or a call for help, for that matter.
- Guys in girls pants. You should never need a shoe horn and lubricant to get a guy undressed.
- Hippies. Just ’cause they smell bad and you can’t trust them. I know this seems obvious but it needs to be said. I say it during just about everything.
- Any guy who pops his collar.