I spent the weekend thinking too much which generally proves to spin me into a dark hole. It was the first weekend in a long time where I felt the sting of being single. Maybe it was because so many of my friends had other plans or maybe it is the time of year, the great weather and no one to picnic with, or maybe it was the pressure of the two jobs and a possible third weighing on me. I just felt over-run by thoughts and feelings and so by Sunday night, instead of feeling rested, I felt bulldozed.
People have asked me if I am dating again. The answer to that would be no. A resounding no. Because right now I feel really knocked around by love. The last four years have been hard on my heart and I need a fucking break from it. Besides, I have not yet mastered the art of choosing wisely. I tend to gravitate towards men who are unavailable- by circumstances or by choice, emotionally or otherwise. Until I fix myself I’m not fit for a relationship. And that thought makes me feel monumentally lonely because I have no idea if and when I will ever fix myself. It feels like such a huge task to undertake. I’m stuck in this place of self-judgment which makes me feel small and unlovable. I know I won’t always feel like this but. . .
I’ve lost my bright side.