I spent the weekend thinking too much which generally proves to spin me into a dark hole. It was the first weekend in a long time where I felt the sting of being single. Maybe it was because so many of my friends had other plans or maybe it is the time of year, the great weather and no one to picnic with, or maybe it was the pressure of the two jobs and a possible third weighing on me. I just felt over-run by thoughts and feelings and so by Sunday night, instead of feeling rested, I felt bulldozed.

People have asked me if I am dating again. The answer to that would be no. A resounding no. Because right now I feel really knocked around by love. The last four years have been hard on my heart and I need a fucking break from it. Besides, I have not yet mastered the art of choosing wisely. I tend to gravitate towards men who are unavailable- by circumstances or by choice, emotionally or otherwise. Until I fix myself I’m not fit for a relationship. And that thought makes me feel monumentally lonely because I have no idea if and when I will ever fix myself. It feels like such a huge task to undertake. I’m stuck in this place of self-judgment which makes me feel small and unlovable. I know I won’t always feel like this but. . .

I’ve lost my bright side.


37 thoughts on “B-Side

  1. a) You are not alone
    b) I heart you
    and c) You’ll get your bright side again. Just takes a bit of time.

    *hugs to you*

  2. Your bright side is there. You just need to embrace it.

    A man, a relationship with a man does not define you. You get out of life what you put into it. Just start a new and do the best you can. No one is perfect. We’re all human and full of flaws.

    Your attitude about life is what defines you.

  3. Just go out there & do what you Love to do! Don’t concentrate on anything other than your own enjoyment & happiness. People are always More attractive to both themselves & others when they are involved in the business of Life & happy for it! We beat ourselves up worse than almost anyone else can.

  4. It sounds like from the 1st paragraph that it was the perfect storm to create one of “those” weekends. I hate when that happens. Any plans for this coming one? Try to make something to look forward to and move past this one.

  5. ((HUG)) I’m in a similar space as you. Don’t worry, taking care of oneself first is the best step for any of us. Stay strong!

    ~ FC

  6. Awww, I’m sorry to hear that Sizzle. Being lonely sucks!! Like another poster said, you will get your bright side back. In the meantime, continue to give yourself things to look forward to and that make YOU happy. Something tells me you are awesome company, even if you are doing something on your own I bet you will have a great time!

    Also, have you considered casual dating? I ask this because sometimes when we want to fix ourselves to be in healthy relationships, it’s good to have “practice” in the meantime. I know that probably sounds bad and shallow but I’m learning a lot about myself and the things that I do wrong just by allowing myself casually date. Just a thought!

  7. I feel exactly the same way… I am also hoping by not actively looking for a significant other that one day the perfect guy will just “happen”. It is that hope that keeps me going.

  8. Oh sweetie I know exactly what you mean!
    After years of faffing about and then finally dipping my toe in the dating pool I got such a shock when it all went so wrong it has put me right off!!
    Having said that, I agree, the weather is improving and it seems like everyone is paired up. That part is just a little bit crap.
    Days like today I wish SO much that we lived just a teensy bit closer. Wouldn’t red shoes and cocktails be the best fun? 🙂

  9. Sizzle,

    You said:

    Until I fix myself I’m not fit for a relationship.

    Sorry but in my not so humble opinion it doesn’t work like that. I do agree that you need to like the person you are. I do agree that respecting yourself is the first step in getting others to respect you.

    But I keep coming back to a seemingly unrelated question and what I feel is the only appropriate answer.

    Don’t know if you have asked this question, but I’m sure many ladies have. “Are my breasts big enough?”

    The answer? (At lease my opinion as to the only real answer?)

    So long as you like them, that is all that really counts.

    You need to like you. After that, any man who is worthy of your Sizzlely goodness will like you for who you are. Not what they want you to be.

    You just need to work toward being the person you want to be. I have faith that when the right guy comes along, it won’t be a struggle to fit together. Love will be an easy fit because you won’t have to change who or what you are just to try and please someone else.

    When you find yourself trying to be something you are not, just to please someone else, that is a sign that maybe, just maybe they aren’t the right person for you.

    Keep the faith girl. The future is bright. Now get out there and be your best.


    PS: Notice that there is no value judgment for either party when two people just don’t fit together well. It just is. That does not mean either person is unworthy or less than good. Different is just different.

  10. I hope that soon you are feeling better about things. There is nothing wrong with taking a break to give yourself time to heal though. And actually, I respect you all the more for taking a break until you are ready and not rushing into something new just to be with someone.

  11. You are definitely NOT small and unlovable. A lot of people think the world of you.

    Best Tip Ever for Choosing Wisely: get loaded up on beer (at least 5 or 6), walk into a bar where others are similarly loaded, and trust your beer-soaked instincts. Works every time. (Or is that “fails every time”? I forget which.)

  12. I doubt you need to fix yourself as much as you just need to heal and move on. I was single for a long time before I met my husband, and while I am happy to be married, I don’t think being single is as terrible as society makes it out to be. It’s ok to be single. Take this time to enjoy yourself, to do the things you want to do. It won’t last forever, and you may just miss your “me time” when it’s gone. Keep your head up, sista!

  13. I don’t read “Until I fix myself, I’m not fit for a relationship” as proof of low self-esteem the way I think TAG might. Yes, of course you want and deserve a guy who appreciates all your awesome qualities. But because falling in love is such a fun distraction, it can be easy to think that the right relationship will fix all your problems. And it almost always doesn’t. So I think a little Sizzle time is probably a brilliant idea. Lonely at times, but brilliant. That way when the right relationship comes along, you’ll be ready for it.

  14. long time lurker here. i could not have said it any better, excpet for me it was 8 years. i feel so lost and don’t know where to find me. i ended it april 13th. it seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time.

  15. Wow. There is plenty of good advice here. I, on the other hand, have already given you my prescription. I will say, as a person who has been knocked around by love as well, that I don’t mind when love roughs me up a little, you know, pulls my hair or spanks my ass and tells me I’m naughty. It’s the sucker punch I hate. I also don’t have much use for when love just wants to cuddle either. Damn, now that I thnk about, I’m totally needy.

  16. While I can appreciate the idea that you must fix yourself before you can be with someone, perhaps it is a matter of learning to love and live with yourself – completely fixed or not – that then leads you to find someone worthy of your fabulousness.

    At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

  17. You don’t need to be fixed. You just need to figure some things out. And you absolutely will. Don’t ever doubt that. You will figure it out and get the clarity you need to make the right choice and then you’ll be with a wonderful man. In the meantime, keep nurturing yourself. Do whatever it takes to feel joy (even just a little) each day.

    I wish you lived closer. I’m feeling very single right now too and would’ve loved to share tears and a bottle of wine with you this weekend.

  18. I hear you, or how I hear you. I sometimes think I need to put this whole dating thing and trying to find the right guy on hold, and then I think, until when? When will I actually be ready for it? And the answer is a huge question mark. So I keep dating, I keep trying, and hopefully one day everything will just fit. I realized if I put myself on hold until I think I’m ready I’ll risk being on hold forever. Go for it Sizz, even if it’s hurtful, it’s worth it, the good parts are always worth it.

  19. I think that dating only really works once (ideally), so every single experience up until it does work? Will hurt. And will suck in some way, even if there was good stuff in there — because you’ll care, and things ending…well, it sucks.

    The best thing you can do is just live — and think to yourself, when something is making you happy, “okay, this is good — more of this” and when it doesn’t, “okay, no — no more.” One day, you’ll wake up and this’ll all be easier. I promise. 🙂

  20. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way…I’ve been there. I was d-o-n-e DONE and I took a 6 month break before I met E. Not to dump a bunch of platitudes on you, but yes, I did not believe it would find me when I wasn’t looking and then it FREAKING DID!
    That said, 6 months of doing my own thing was wonderful. Take extra special care of yourself, and remember, you’ve got a lot of friends who love you, even when you are feeling small and alone!

  21. I saw $136 airline tickets from Denver to Seattle today. Do I need to come up there and tell you IN PERSON how 100% okay it is that you are not dating yet? Because it is.

  22. Oh sizzle….I also am a longtime lurker but …….I worked from home today, drank homemade Sangria…had melancholy music and cried my eyes out. I SO will be thinking about you and have my cheerleader skirt on and pom poms cheering for you to come out of your funk…then I will come out of mine…

  23. It should first of all be a tribute to you that it took me five minutes to get to the bottom of the page to post. We all need those days – but you have a unique ability to come out of those funks, and share all those feelings along the way. Your honesty helps other people that feel that those feelings are irrational and unacceptable. You are only human and deserve to have a hard day – but it will pass. I honestly think that it took longer to get out of my last relationship – and truly move on – than when I was in it! Think of your happy place, under a tree, by the ocean – or sharing your blog with us. You help so many people with your candid nature and honesty – so I hope that you will take some solace from this.R

  24. One of my close friends is going through a smiliar thing and I can never find the right words to make her feel better. I hope you find your bright side again soon *hugs*

  25. life is a journey, venture onward and embrace your surroundings..when we feel our worst we can reach out to others and help those less fortunate….it makes helps our troubles seem small.

  26. I didn’t read all the comments so I imagine it was said somehow: Sizz you’ll never lose your bright side. It might dim occasionally, but you won’t lose it. B’sides … you still have the nephew. :o)

  27. I can relate, that has been the story of my life, it is a hard one to fix, I still have not mastered it and I have been around longer than you :-), still single. Having said that, let me tell you, it’s not so bad. I love my life and I am okay alone. If you have lots of friends, they make up for it. Single friends work best :-). xoxo

  28. Have you ever heard of the book QuirkyAlone by Sasha Cagen? Its all about singles that are happily single. There is no pressure to date, just the idea that friends can be just as important in your life as a primary relationship. It talks about the “Boston Marriage” where best friends can declare love of the friendship for each other. I’d love to send you a copy if you would be interested. Also, have you heard of the Singelringen? (Or noticed mine when I was there?) Another great community for those proudly single. IMO I think its great to take time to work on yourself, you attract what you put out and since you put out awesomeness, it can only get better from there, right?

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