I. don’t. know.
I hate saying those three little words. Saying it to me means I have failed. Because I should know! Because I need to be perfect and have a plan at all times! Because! Because! Because!
Yeah, even I am snorting and rolling my eyes at that- I mean, COME ON, there is no way a person can be that together. And frankly, if they are? I don’t want to meet them. They’d probably just annoy the hell out of me. One of the big life lessons I am trying to embrace is the not knowing and then, like the cherry on top of the unknown sundae, letting go of expectations.
I am aware of where this incessant need to have control comes from and by now, if you’ve been reading my blog for even a short length of time, so do you. Growing up in an alcoholic house there are certain behaviors that kids often adopt as coping mechanisms. For me, one of the big ones was attempting to control situations that, let’s be frank, were uncontrollable. I spent a great deal of time and energy trying to map out plans for what could go wrong because I had learned the hard way that things would go wrong. Repeatedly. Very wrong. So someone better have a plan a, b, c, and d and I appointed that someone to be me because I have a masochistic tendency to take on impossiblities and get a rush out of being in charge and rescuing people. By now that’s old news to you. It is to me.
But think for a moment about how that feels. Maybe you had a similar situation growing up that you felt powerless in- a situation that was scary and unpredictable and that turned your world upside down. It makes perfect sense for a person to react the way I did. In my child’s mind everything was fine and then everything was very, very not fine. It’s no wonder that I try to control chaos, predict problems and overcompensate for perceived weaknesses in others. NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED ME TO. I was never asked to do any of this. If I don’t watch out, I’ll be stumbling down Martyr Road any minute now.
Uh, no thanks.
So what’s the point of all this sharing? I’m just trying to figure out how to be okay with the unknown which is basically everything in life. I’m trying to get on board with letting go. I am attempting to drop my expectations and just carry on. But the thing is I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. None. And that scares the crap out of me because, as we have already covered, I don’t like not knowing.
But I am being brave and trying. What else is there to do? Giving up is not an option.
“Arriving at someplace more desirable at some future time is an illusion. This is it.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn