There are some things I don’t talk about here. I realize this might come as a shock seeing as how I blather on about my dad issues, my self-esteem limitations, and all my day-to-day drivel and nonsense. But there are things I won’t bring up here. Despite evidence to the contrary, I do know how to practice decorum and when to keep my trap shut. Though trust me when I tell you, sometimes I wonder if I am doing it for me or to protect someone else. Regardless, I press mute.
So when those kinds of topics are weighing on me, coming here feels awkward. I might try to disguise what I really want to say in more introspective hubbabaloo but it’s not what I really want to say. This is one of the major downfalls of being the type of blogger who has thrown her proverbial heart on the page. Maybe if I’d made this blog more about the nonsense and less about the deep-seated issues, I’d have an easier time. Oh hell, maybe if I wasn’t me I’d have an easier time. Lately, it feels like not being me would be easier.
All this is to say that there are days, sometimes weeks, when I feel like throwing it all away.
It’s been a couple of months now and I can’t seem to shake this sad feeling. It follows me around like a shadow. I could list you the causes for it but then I’d be venturing into the zone of “stuff that isn’t shared” on the blog. I feel like something really big needs to shift- inside myself or outside myself. I don’t know what it is or how it will happen.
I feel a haunted feeling much like the one that clutched at my chest while I waited for the phone call that would announce my father’s passing. Internally holding my breath, tiptoeing through the day, waiting and waiting some more to the point where time takes on new meaning. It’s not as heavy as that but it feels like an echo of that old feeling.
“Waiting/It’s a promise/Waiting/It’s like a dare/But you are with me/When you can not be/I can feel you here/And I can see you everywhere/I can see you everywhere/I twist in a world between/Hovering/Wanting/But I don’t wish this love away/I wish you back to me to stay…” -Thanksgiving, Deb Talan