Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.*

sunlitThere are some things I don’t talk about here. I realize this might come as a shock seeing as how I blather on about my dad issues, my self-esteem limitations, and all my day-to-day drivel and nonsense. But there are things I won’t bring up here. Despite evidence to the contrary, I do know how to practice decorum and when to keep my trap shut. Though trust me when I tell you, sometimes I wonder if I am doing it for me or to protect someone else. Regardless, I press mute.

So when those kinds of topics are weighing on me, coming here feels awkward. I might try to disguise what I really want to say in more introspective hubbabaloo but it’s not what I really want to say. This is one of the major downfalls of being the type of blogger who has thrown her proverbial heart on the page. Maybe if I’d made this blog more about the nonsense and less about the deep-seated issues, I’d have an easier time. Oh hell, maybe if I wasn’t me I’d have an easier time. Lately, it feels like not being me would be easier.

All this is to say that there are days, sometimes weeks, when I feel like throwing it all away.

It’s been a couple of months now and I can’t seem to shake this sad feeling. It follows me around like a shadow. I could list you the causes for it but then I’d be venturing into the zone of “stuff that isn’t shared” on the blog. I feel like something really big needs to shift- inside myself or outside myself. I don’t know what it is or how it will happen.

I feel a haunted feeling much like the one that clutched at my chest while I waited for the phone call that would announce my father’s passing. Internally holding my breath, tiptoeing through the day, waiting and waiting some more to the point where time takes on new meaning. It’s not as heavy as that but it feels like an echo of that old feeling.

“Waiting/It’s a promise/Waiting/It’s like a dare/But you are with me/When you can not be/I can feel you here/And I can see you everywhere/I can see you everywhere/I twist in a world between/Hovering/Wanting/But I don’t wish this love away/I wish you back to me to stay…” -Thanksgiving, Deb Talan

*Swedish proverb.


48 thoughts on “Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.*

  1. Don’t you dare throw it all away! Your light is so strong and brightens the life of many, many more than you realize in fact. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, but it’s true. Also? You don’t always have to be the strong one. It’s ok to let it out, not be so hard on yourself or expect so much. Be gentle and loving with yourself, your are a spiritual being having a human experience, we are all learning. Do something good for yourself today? Even if it’s just enjoying a cup of your favorite tea? Take a minute to meditate? eHUGS

  2. im sorry that there is so much weighing on your mind and heart. i know that feeling of wanting to blog about something but feeling like you need to hold back, for whatever reason.

    thinking of you and hoping that things begin to feel a little easier…

  3. Ugh. That is the weirdest thing about blogs: people think they KNOW the person behind the blog, but all they see is a little glimpse into someone else’s life.
    I can totally relate to this feeling when you write a blog post just trying to cover up what you REALLY want to say… because you don’t really feel comfortable putting it out there for the world to read.

    But you’re inspiring, Sizzle (from what I know through your blog) and I hope that there comes a time when you feel more carefree.

  4. Even though I dont have any idea what you’re going through, I understand about waiting. I feel like I’ve been waiting on something for over a year now. Waiting, especially waiting when you feel like ‘that thing’ may never happen, is so emotionally draining. You’re not alone in that.

  5. Right there with you.

    I am sitting at work today wondering why the hell I bothered coming here.

    I have no sense of direction or purpose in my life right now other than moving on toward tomorrow, hoping for the sense of dharma that is so elusive.

  6. As usual, you have so eloquently put into words what I’ve been struggling with in my own life. At first I put it down to seasonal affective disorder or something like that, but now the days are longer, the sun shines more often and yet I still can’t shake the blues. I too don’t share everything in my blog, mostly to protect others from “TMI” but it kills me because I want to be honest. How do we get out of here? It’s a scary place and I don’t like it.

  7. I have been there, it is this feeling that is on the surface that you just can’s shake. Have you thought about talking with a councelor. Sometiems you need an outsider to help draw it out.

    Sending you a hug!

  8. I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now. I wonder if it would help to have a totally anonymous blog that you just write things out and don’t even share the URL with anyone? I know a few folks that do that. I censor A LOT on my own blog, so when my emotional state is one that I don’t feel like sharing, I have a huge writer’s block about anything else and my posts become more sporadic.

  9. 1. I know this TOTALLY isn’t the point, but that is an amazing photo!
    2. I completely understand this feeling. It’s so difficult to share anything when you feel like you’re avoiding the Big Things. It sounds so simple, but sometimes telling myself that “everything changes” makes it easier… it helps me to remember that the way I’m feeling will not last forever.

    Love to you, sweet friend.

  10. Very dramatic photo of you. I like it but miss your bright smile.

    You keep forgetting that it’s ok to be you. It’s ok to feel the way that you feel.

    Now get your ass out of your head!

    Yep. I call that tough love sweetie.

  11. I hear you. I keep things from my blog too. The too personal ones, the too convoluted, the ones I don’t even get… why share those? But I know the need to get them out of one’s system too. Thank God for paper journal and phones with whom we can talk on the phone for hours!
    Sending hugs your way.

  12. Sorry that you are under that kind of emotional cloud. I hope that you can find the silver lining and make that sucker go away. πŸ™‚ HUGS!

  13. I could echo those feelings you’re having. Not about throwing it away (and I hope you really don’t do that!). But, about your blog being good for certain things, but not all things. For me, I worry that the people in my real life will read this blog and be hurt by what I write. Or maybe they will read something I really don’t want them to read. Have you considered doing a few password protected posts? Posts that allow you to write what you’re feeling. And be heard by some people. But not everyone? I definitely have considered that as part of my move to WordPress … as it might help me move beyond issues in the future that I’d never have written about in the past. Hugs to you.

  14. I hate it when you are sad 😦
    When are you going to scrape a plane fare together and get your arse over here for a jolly good time?! You could use some time out huh? πŸ˜‰

  15. Um a blog is for venting… saying what’s on your mind. Why do you rant about everything else under the sun but keep your inner most demons locked inside you? I’ve been blogging since 2004 as you know… but my new blog… Man I hold nothin’ back. I tell it like it is. Sure I have followers but that’s why they like me…. I mean if I couldn’t just say what I was feeling holy hell… I might as well be locked up next door in the state mental nut hut.

  16. I feel like I’ve been traversing similar shadowlands for awhile now, and I can’t seem to break out of the funk that seems to be overwhelming me when it comes to writing on my site. I think I may be close to figuring out the why, which makes me hopeful that I can overcome it and keep moving forward.

    Big love to you, friend.

  17. It’s funny… blogging can be such an outlet, allowing us to share and connect. It is a double edged sword, however, when you realize there are some things that cannot be shared, which makes you feel a little more isolated.

    I hope you’re able to put some of your own ghosts to rest. ❀

  18. I’m sorry you have been feeling sad. I know exactly what you mean with not talking about things on your blog – I’ve been going through some sadness myself.

    I hope you receive a change or shift soon, whether it’s from inside of you or outside. *HUGS*

  19. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. 😦 I have been pretty quiet lately because there’s a lot weighing on me that I don’t know how to convey. It feels nice to just step back and take a breather…otherwise I’d just be stewing in it.

  20. I’m sorry these things are weighing on you. While I don’t understand specifically, I think I do know a little of how you feel otherwise. I’m in a “my life is not happening” and “throw it all away” stage myself right now.

  21. It makes me sad to read about you being sad. There seems to be a lot of that going around. 😦 I hope you start feeling better soon.

  22. I think all fellow bloggers can relate to the feeling of needing to share what’s on your mind but not being able to because you don’t want to share that part of your life with the world. During those times I often find I have to step away from the blog or else just sit there writing entries and deleting them before they even get published. I hope things come right for you, whatever the problems may be *hugs*

  23. That is a lot of stress on you. It sounds like the kind of stress that never goes away – it’s on your mind when you wake up, and sticks with you throughout the day until you lay your head to rest. Is the swimming (when the pool’s open!) helping with the sadness? How are you working on it?

    Don’t feel like you have to share things you aren’t sure if you want to! I write a lot of posts that never get posted πŸ˜‰

  24. When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

    Take a break if you need it Sizzle, it’s quite okay to take the time for you. Just remember, all over this crazy world, in cities far away, there are people thinking of you and wishing you sunshine and laughter.

    Thanks for making our lives brighter with your blogging – I hope this haunted feeling goes away real soon.


  25. There was one episode in my life recently that I really wish I could write about openly on the blog. The worst part was that circumstances compelled me to write about it, but I had to give a much censored version. It is very frustrating.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I hope it goes away soon.

  26. sending you hugs and hoping the best for you.

    (also, it’s okay to wallow and feel sad from time to time – it is an emotion too and it can be had. don’t beat yourself up for it too much.)

  27. If you want to take a break and come back when you’re in a better place, you know we’d all stick around, right? Because you’re that awesome. I’m hoping you can do whatever it is that is going to be best for you, Sizz.

  28. Wow. If it makes you feel any better, you made me feel a lot better in knowing that I’m not alone. I just burst into tears for no reason. Well, not no reason…but because my daughter told me she has to be at school at 7:15 tomorrow. That’s a valid reason. Right? Right?! There are moments when I feel like there isn’t a rational bone in my body anymore.

  29. I share those feelings as there are weeks that I feel off – I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide – Actually I did that a few years ago and stayed in my “hole” for a few months. It is normal and human to have a range of emotions.

    You are amazing and you have a special gift that you give to us your readers. You will never be judged only supported and respected for your honesty and openness. Your peoples are here for you!!

  30. I know what you mean, sometimes you just can’t share, but never mind, we love you. Big hugs and know that the sadness will pass. XOXO

  31. Um, throwing what away — life or the blog?

    Cuz if life, speak up sister. We’re here to help. Hold hands. Commiserate. Share our Xanex.

    If the blog, I feel the same way. Is it perhaps the natural response to pouring out so many feelings so publicly over a sustained period? Has it run its course? That’s what I sometimes think.

  32. I so am that picture of you – which I love by the way.
    And I feel where your at. Not everything can be spoken out loud on the internet and therefore sometimes you need to to take a step back.
    Thinking of you, sending hugs and liquor virtually over the web….

  33. i have quite an affection for the ugly parts of life. the not so great, heavy, carrying the boulder uphill parts. i impore them to be transitory, but i embrace them all the same.
    we’ve all got ugly stuff.
    just remember that (although it may not always feel like it) there are always people there to hand you water in the last leg, right when you need it.

    oh, and your blog is YOUR blog. i’m all for self-censorship but you’re allowed to change the rules, too πŸ™‚

  34. Hi. I know I’m late; I’m just catching up. I just love that picture of you – it’s so gorgeous and so revealing. Very behind the curtain. And also, I really appreciate you posting this and being so vulnerable and real. I read blogs to get the *real* stuff. It doesn’t bum me out at all like some have said and suggested. I find when people get to the real stuff, it’s healing and invigorating for me. I’m sorry you’re going through these kinds of times. It’s life, isn’t it? We’re here.

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