A Hard Truth

Here’s a tip: If you don’t actually like the way you look, don’t videotape yourself. Especially don’t videotape yourself dancing. Because when you view it back you will see a hard truth- multi-dimensional and in full color- what you really look like. And you will, quite possibly and quite irrationally, think that you should a) stop eating entirely and b) never leave the house again.

It’s not that I was surprised by the reality that I am fat. That’s a fact I’ve lived with my whole life. It was just startling to see HOW fat I had become. Is my mirror broken? Is my eyesight that bad? Am I that body dysmorphic? I’m just going to say this outright: I am totally ashamed of myself.

Reading Tomato’s recent post about his struggle with his weight and identity sparked something inside of me. This is not unusual as Tomato and I share some similar qualities. People tend to assume we are confident all the time and that we never worry about being liked and that we have it all figured out because we talk the talk so well. Um, newsflash: we don’t. We could both command a room if we needed to but. . . the weight we both carry diminishes our power.

I’ve known for a long time that my body weight is the main way I keep a barrier between me and them. Them can be anyone – a potential suitor, a work opportunity, success, a new friend, intimacy. . . you name it, my weight is standing guard between ME and IT. It’s like an over-protective security blanket that is smothering me. It doesn’t matter if people tell me I am attractive because while I appreciate the compliment, I do not agree with it. And besides, I spend waaaay too much time obsessing on what people think of me (and usually what I believe people think about me in terms of my looks is negative).

Even during my brief stint in thinsville I still thought like a fat girl. Some guy would hit on me and I’d look behind me thinking he must surely be talking to someone else. I’d be shopping and I’d always pick the wrong size because there was no way I could comprehend a single digit number on my clothing tag. I had a “less than” mentality that I couldn’t shake. It was bizarre to all of sudden have all these doors open to me just because I’d dropped weight. I vacillated between awe and anger. All it took was for me to be “passing thin” to get male attention? Wow and damn!

I have dated men who have, out of their own insecurity, made my body size an issue. Like what will people think of them if they date me? They will even tell me I am beautiful but in the next breath, wonder aloud what others might think. Oh gee, you’re dating the fat girl. You must be really desperate. My self-esteem has never been strong in this area so that kind of messaging would just plunge me deeper into confusion and shame. And of course, I’d stay with them. Because I was/am filled with my own body self-loathing so that in some sick and twisted way, I almost didn’t fault them for feeling that way.

I get how wrong this is. It doesn’t stop me from feeling that way though.

The other day while out to dinner with a friend, a man that years ago I went on a couple of dates with and, yes, slept with, we got to talking about his on line profile and the women he’s been meeting. He’d been emailing me some of their profiles to get my opinion and keeping me up to date on who was making the cut or not. He has a particular type which is, in a nutshell, thin and redheaded. One particular girl did not fit this bill but he wrote her anyhow. She was brunette and average (which to me means around a size 12-14 which to many people means curvy and to others means chubby). They went out but he found her to be too broke and not his body preference. But he slept with her anyhow, multiple times. At one point she asked him, “Is this all I am good for?” Yes, honey, to him that’s all you’re good for.

I sat there listening and could not help but internalize the message. That to him she was beneath him because of how much money she makes and how much she weighs and thus, the justification of treating her with such disrespect.ย  I could not help but see myself in that situation. That was me a few years ago. If he says these things about her, what did he say/think about me back then? And what about now?

I don’t ever want to be that girl- the one that is okay to fuck but not to date. Just typing that makes me feel so small inside. Like I am worth nothing. Like every great attribute I have is diminished because I am fat. I get that to a great majority of men, I am that girl. It doesn’t matter how smart, how funny, how kind I might be. They’ll never see it because of the fat.

Worse than that though? Is that I think all these awful things about my body. I am so embarrassed and humiliated by how I look that I buy into all the bullshit. And I don’t think I am worthy of being loved or found attractive. I don’t.

I am so tired of thinking about my weight and how people perceive me and not being able to shop at any store I want and having to buy clothes “exclusively” on line (newsflash retailers: it does not feel exclusive, it feels demeaning), and worrying day and night about how my weight will effect this or that. I am at the end of my rope. I am done. This is it.

So, I’ve come to a decision.

I am going to focus entirely on losing weight and feeling better about myself. I will not be in a relationship with a man until I feel better about myself. Until I’ve gotten to the bottom of all this deep-seated shit. I might end up alone for a long time but. . . I feel alone a lot in relationships so why not focus on getting to a better place inside me instead of always looking outside of me for validation (and very rarely accepting it when it is offered)?

I am scared out of my mind that I will fail. I’m telling you all this so I can’t give up on myself. There is no quitting. I am done feeling like less than. I am done treating myself like I am not worth anything.

THIS IS IT.

Disclaimer: I am only saying all of this here to make it real to me. To have accountability. And to mark the moment when the proverbial switch was flipped. Nothing more.

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70 thoughts on “A Hard Truth

  1. bravo. i am here for you however you need me and my offer stands if you change your mind. we will be the hottest 40 year-olds ever and the most sane because all of our years of hard work will come together! proud of you xox

  2. Wow, can I relate to your feelings about body and self worth. I grew up with two very skinny, older sisters who happened to get my mom’s family genes rather than me and my little brother who got my dad’s family genes. Gee, thanks Universe.

    So I grew up internalizing myself as the fat sister. People would comment on how beautiful “the white sisters were” and I would know in my heart that did not include me. Fat is not beautiful so that is not me. I love my sisters dearly but to hear them whine about their few extra pounds when they are size 4 and 6 makes me want to scream. They know nothing of weight issues.

    It is crazy how irrational my thinking becomes. One day my husband was commenting on how he loves that people easily open up to me and trust me, and then I said to him, “It is just because I am chubby and they aren’t threatened by me.” What? That is messed up. I realize how irrational and crazy that is but it is where my head goes sometimes. I think only people that carry the extra emotional baggage of weight can really get that. Yeah, I got some issues with it.

    I wish I could get to a place where my weight doesn’t define me. That I can find value in myself just for who I am. It is a journey. I am jealous of people that can do this and be comfortable in their bodies. I hate that I can ruin my day by hating myself so much. You should hear the mean things I say in my head when I am having an I-hate-me-and-my-fatness moment.

    TMI? Now I am turning this into a therapy session….so…

    I wish you luck in loving yourself and appreciating your own value to the world. Losing weight or not I think that is the most important and difficult part of the journey. If you ever need a walking buddy, I love me a good walk/talk around Greenlake.

  3. I had a lot of issues with how I looked growing up. My mother was going through some bad shit and she decided to take it out on me, by telling me some very hurtful things. She’s all better now and our relationship is mended but it has taken me a long time to accept that I’m not ugly, frumpy and un-dateable just because I’m not stick-thin, blonde and don’t enjoy getting drunk every weekend.

    I wish you luck in finding peace in your own body. And I agree that you’re probably best doing it alone. Other people telling you things does not in any way make you believe it. Good luck with it all ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. During my first massage with a particular therapist, she said out of the blue “You know, if you want to lose weight, you have to do it from a place of self-love, not self-hate.” And I thought “How did she know?”

    It’s not easy to love oneself, especially when one looks in the mirror with self-loathing. Believe me, I know.

    Here’s to you loving yourself. You are worthy of that.

  5. I don’t think I’ve ever commented on your blog before, but I always love how honest and open you are. I think you are incredibly brave and I wish you success in your weight loss but, most importantly, in coming to truly understand your incredible self-worth.

  6. Fantastic writing and a searingly honest post, Ms Sizzle. I don’t think you’ll have a single reader who isn’t able to relate to what you’re talking about in some way.

    We’re all rooting for you. XXX

  7. You won’t fail sizzle! Especially if you are doing it for you, like Alison said. Forget all of the thoughtless pricks who judge a woman by her weight. Are people really like that? I guess the reality is that many are, but I try to be around the people who aren’t (even if that may be a small group).

    You are already into swimming and yoga, so you must be doing something right! Keep going!

  8. You won’t fail! There may be ups and downs, but YOU WON’T FAIL!!!

    And as Beth says – I think we can all relate to you/this post in some way, and we are all here rooting for you!

  9. We’ve talked about this before, but now it’s my turn to tell you that’s you’re beautiful just the way you are. But, I totally get that YOU have to be okay with the way you look. And the way you feel inside. And most humans are affected by the ways others perceive them. So, I get wanting to feel better about yourself in the process. I’m here as a cheerleader and a teammate in the weight loss push (if you need one). Just remember, life’s too short not to enjoy the ride. So, don’t forget to have a little fun along the way, m’kay?!? xoxo

  10. Coincidental that I read this today, the very day that I had designated as the start of behaving myself so I lose some weight. I started my day by packing my lunch, which I hate to do. I even brought along soy yogurt. Do I need to go into that I loathe soy? But I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and if I even gain one more pound, none of my pants will fit. And I have too many to not wear them. Ugh. Unfortunately, too many of us share your feelings and it sucks, big time, to have to deal with it. I wish I had the words to make the weight loss experience more appealing to you or easier to shoulder, but I don’t. I’m right there with you and will be rooting you on. And maybe, knowing you’re miles away but in the same boat as me, will make that horrid soy taste a little bit better. Good luck!

  11. In January, I also determined to lose weight. I was SO unhappy in my skin. I went cold turkey on sugar and most carbs (never more than 40 at a time). Got rid of everything ‘bad’ in my house (I CANNOT be trusted). Small meals throughout the day. Also, no soda (diet or otherwise)… I read a very convincing article that whatever the ‘diet’ factor was in soda (or whatever) helped to prevent/slow weight loss! Nooo thank you. The first week was pretty difficult — then things got much, much easier. I’m down about 22 pounds and I’m also 5 months pregnant (found out I was pregnant two weeks after I started this whole ‘new me’ routine). This will be my healthiest pregnancy by far and it’s very exciting to see my shoulder bones!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    HANG IN THERE THE FIRST WEEK — it will become second nature before too long!! And don’t beat yourself up if/when you slip! That’s where I always used to go wrong — well, since I had THAT I might as well have THIS since I already SUCK. If I REALLY (REAAALLLY) want something, I go get it. Small package/serving & don’t bring it home.

    Here’s to being happy in our skins! I’m excited for you!

  12. Brava.

    Siz, that is such a powerful statement in so many ways. You are taking control of you and doing what you feel is best for your mental, physical and spiritual health. I wish you the best of luck and if you need any thing let me know.

    You are an inspiration!

  13. I’ve said it before to you here and I know you don’t believe me, or others, but yes you are a beautiful person. On the other hand, you are the one who has to be happy with yourself because in the end that’s all that counts. Just take it one day at a time and we’re all here for you when you need a positive nudge to keep going. ๐Ÿ™‚ You can definitely do this. No doubt.

  14. Sizzle,

    Please do not make the mistake of connecting your self perception of weight issues with your beauty and value as a human being. You are a terrific person. If you need us to help you validate that, I’m sure many of us are more than willing to do so.

    Having said that, if you are serious about this weight loss thing (no reason to doubt your seriousness), then read this post from my blog.

    Weight Loss

    I do not proclaim any unusual wisdom, just a bit of far too uncommon sense.

    Hugs

    TAG

  15. “the one that is okay to fuck but not to date” – i have so been there.

    towards the end of the marriage, i got very thin. i’d say i was definitely hot. ๐Ÿ˜‰ but still my husband wouldn’t touch me, not because of me (now i know) but because of all of his own shit, which led to the cheating and our divorce.

    when i started dating again, i was so thrilled to meet guys who actually wanted to fuck me. i relished the attention, feeding my damaged self-esteem, but then i realized that was all they wanted, and while that’s okay for some people, it wasn’t enough for me.

    i guess that’s a long way of saying that weight doesn’t change those types of guys. for me it was a matter of knowing what i wanted (a real realtionship, not just fucking), and not giving in because i wanted someone to like me. and if they didn’t call again because of that, well then they weren’t the right guy.

    seems to all be wrapped up in self-esteem, whether it’s about weight, or not being young enough, or sexy enough, or fun enough, or anything else whomever you’re dating has issues with and decides to project onto you.

    realizing all of that was the first really important step, at least for me.

  16. Throughout my life, I’ve been the queen of body issues. Finally, about 8 years ago, I got fed up and went to see a therapist. I only saw him for about 6 months, but he totally changed my life. But — and this is an important but — it’s not like I walked out of his office six months later with a whole new mindset and a whole new life. But the new ways in which he helped me think about my body and my self started seeping into me. I started getting fit, slowly, by walking. Then I started doing other activities, including tennis and yoga. Over time (a couple of years), I made fitness a regular part of my life. And you know what? Once you are active and getting fit, suddenly you have a reason to love/like your body that’s not solely focused on how you look. And get this — today, I weigh maybe 10 pounds less than I did then. And on my 6-foot frame, 10 pounds is not earth-shattering. But my mindset is entirely different and I can finally say I’m at peace with my body.

  17. Oh my goodness, good for you! I think that is the best attitude to have. I know how scary it is to think you will fail – but give yourself credit and give yourself a chance. Don’t turn a setback into a failure just keep going and move on. That way you CAN do it. You have all this support and you know you can do it as well.

  18. Shit dude, I feel you. I had a very similar conversation with a male friend who said “I’m tired of dating big girls!” And I was all, “Dude, we’re tired of dating shallow assholes!”

    It makes me sad that you and I (and many many women) have spent so much of our mental energy feeling bad about our bodies. I’m happy and excited for you that you’ve made the decision to put yourself first!

  19. I love this post. I love that you are forcing yourself to come to terms with who you are. I think you are an amazing beautiful woman but that doesn’t mean crap until you believe it yourself.

    For what it’s worth, I have a lot of the same feelings and I have never been heavy. I always find something to put in place of “body weight” as a barrier to things. I keep saying I need to be more kind to myself, but I think this post was just what I needed to give me a little push. I know that isn’t why you wrote it, but thank you anyway.

  20. Thanks for writing such an honest post. It makes me so sad though, because as Tori says, sooo many women have these SAME feelings, no matter their size. I even know guys who feel this way.

    I recently came across this blog: http://kateharding.net/. It has some wonderful posts on the issues you talk about here. Reading through her archives has totally helped me think differently about women and weight.

    Anyway, hugs, and I hope you find peace. You are beautiful to me.

  21. a) Good for you, for figuring out a huge thing at the root of a lot of what you’re going through!

    b) You could never, and will never, be ‘that girl’. And any guy who thinks that is beyond stupid and inane, and does not deserve any version of you, because he would have to be a sadistic ass to think that way.

  22. Oh man. I so hear you with all of this. I have all of those issues too. And then I make it worse because I tell myself that I shouldn’t care what these people think of me because why does the opinion of someone who judges based on body size matter anyway? Why do I factor body size into my feelings about myself? Why do I allow this to happen? And yet I do. Good luck with this. I hope that you are able to realize what an amazing, worthwhile, and yes, gorgeous person you are, whether or not you lose weight. Though I know that you will lose weight, if that’s what you want.

  23. Hey, let me know what kind of diet/exercise program you’re thinking of doing, and I’ll do it with you- it’s always easier to start something new if someone does it with you.

    And now I’m off to buy some CDRs. I got some pretty sweet music lined up here for you. I should get credit for that because it ususally takes me weeks to get around to doing anything.

  24. Doing this for YOU is the only way to do it. That’s exactly what I did last year and it gave me the confidence to try dating again (not that it was a huge success but not my fault he was a loon!)
    Anyway, we’re all here cheering you on every step!
    You can do whatever you want – you know that? xxx

  25. I have so much to say….First off I want to tell you that I have felt this way before. It took a health scare to bitch slap me into shape so to speak. Losing weight for me meant exercise. I never liked working out. I still hate it. Some days I feel like I am going to die when I run. I live in Texas and run outside. It’s like hell! But I do it. And afterward, I feel so strong. It truly is the most amazing feeling. I never believed in the โ€œexercise highโ€ until a few years ago. My dad told me years ago that once you find your thing you like doing for exercise, you whole life will change. I thought my dad just wanted me to lose weight. (which he did). But somehow over time I found something I liked doing. There is something very freeing in taking control of your body and having your body work for you instead of against you. My body holds me back a lot, as you know, I have health problems, I get tried, I have pain. But if I get up and walk about the neighborhood or run on the trail, or swim a few laps, after wards I feel 100% better. I wish that for you as you take on this new adventure.

    Secondly, I want to tell you I am NO skinny Minnie (which you know). I am a size 10/12 and have an F cup. Sure I would love to be a size 6 but I like my breasts, I do NOT want to give those up. Thirdly, (I think you know) I am not one of those people who preaches about exercise. I hate people like that. I am only telling you all this because I too went through this sort of change. I did it with baby steps. Both mentally and physically. I started walking, looked at how I was treating my body, then swimming, accepted that I would never be a size 0-2, tried Yoga, did Pilates until my wallet dried up, started running, thought about what I wanted for myself, stretched a lot, stop running, ate good food, ate bad food (food is my biggest “drug”), started running….. It is an endless list. But the one thing I tell myself to keep me motivated is this. โ€œIf I keep my body in motion, I feel better.โ€ I like to feel good. If I decide to go to lunch instead of run 4 miles at lunch, I do NOT beat myself up about it. I take the next chance I can get to move my body. Sure I think about my weight to say I donโ€™t is absurd. But what I want most it to feel good about my body and my life.

    I wish you so much success on you adventure. You go girl!!!!!

  26. I’m glad to hear you’re ready to feel good about yourself. Why is self esteem so damn hard to have?

    We’re all here cheering you on.

  27. How odd is it that I have a post draft about almost this same thing? I’ve not been able to finish it because part of it is too raw but you have inspired me to do so.

    I get it. You KNOW I get it. I wish you the best of luck with YOU and loving yourself because I’m right there with you, sister.

  28. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You’re doing this the right way – learning to love and feel good about yourself before going into your next relationship. Trust me, I have been there. The love of someone else is so much better and true when you love yourself too. I’m still learning.

    I’ll be cheering you on all the way. xoxo.

  29. I am so proud of you. You have a lot of people who support you in whatever you do… and in whatever form you happen to do it in. Most of us have been there as well, and a lot of us are still there. You are an inspiration. {{{hugs}}}

  30. I love how open you are, my friend.

    I also love that you recognize the barrier you have built, and that you want to take steps to feel better about yourself.

    Take it slow, be healthy, and know that we are all here cheering you on.

    xoxo

  31. So much of that could have come from my head. I wish I had something better to say. But I appreciate so much that you’re able to articulate that. I always believe that I, like you, have the ability to commit fully and long-term. I tell myself it’s about health and mental peace. I occasionally belive it. It feels like it’s in me, but that it just needs to grow and get stronger, you know? Anyway, I’ll cheer us both on along the way.

  32. I am so proud of you. You took a good, long look at YOU and decided that you wanted to do this for YOU. You’re not doing it for anyone else. In the long run, you’ll be happy with yourself – not for losing weight but for losing weight for the right reasons.

    Consider me your biggest cheerleader!

    (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

    (Great, powerful post, by the way.)

  33. I know you are going to nail this one because…well, you are Sizzle!! And do not underestimate the power of the mind in the whole struggle with health and nutrition.
    I agree with Kim too–you are on track with your swimming and yoga! You WILL do it!
    Meanwhile, despite all of my work the past year and the fact that heavier women would probably punch me for saying this, I totally think I look chubbers right now and can’t get past it. What is seriously f’ed up is that I don’t look at women who are bigger than me and think “Wow, what I cow!” Not at all. I only look at ME and say, “Dang, how did I let myself slip like this?” Argh.

  34. Amen sistah! I started this path in January. Shoot me an e-mail if you want me to send you the XL spreadsheet that I created for making my weekly meal plans. That has made a huge difference – being prepared food-wise is key; you’ll find that you really don’t have to give up anything, just find a space for it in the week.
    PS: This has *nothing* to do with this topic, but thanks for the tip on the cat hair picker-upper thing (from a months ago post). It, and you, rock!

  35. I think that is a fabulous plan, and I wish you all the luck and good, healthy thoughts I can send your way. Don’t ever let that switch go back!

  36. “…the one that is okay to fuck but not to date.”

    Yep, been there, am guilty of voluntarily going there as a way of protecting myself from having to face a relationship that could someday turn into something real and then perhaps fail.

    It makes me angry and sad both that we let others categorize us this way, and more so that we categorize ourselves this way.

    Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and refusing to go down this easy road that’s so filled with booby traps. I’m working on the same thing myself, and I’m supporting you in spirit.

  37. This is so wonderful. Focusing on yourself, learning to love who you are, nurturing yourself – it’s THE most important thing. Really, our own selves are all we’ve got in this world. I’m so glad you are committing to feeling good. It’s hard, as a reader, to see so much beauty come through in your pictures and posts, and think that you can’t see it yourself.

    If you haven’t read it already, I would highly recommend Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilbert beautifully captures the sans-man journey. I think we all have to go on that at some point to get in touch with who we are and learn to be proud of that person.

    It’s sad that no matter what size or shape we are, men have an uncanny knack to make most of us into the girl they’ll never date but love to F. I wish I could figure out how to prevent girls everywhere from becoming that. Because, you’re right, it sucks.

    I wish you so so so much luck and patience and understanding with yourself as you work on seeing yourself the way we all do. XO

  38. Hooray to new beginnings! I am here with advise if you want on the dieting process. I think I have it down to a science at this point. We can always chat and walk around Greenlake.

    You’re doing awesome!
    Jen

  39. I cried when I read this: “I donโ€™t ever want to be that girl- the one that is okay to fuck but not to date.” Oh man, I’ve been there. In fact, I’m there now, even though I know it’s not good for me. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life and now I’m surrounded by friends who are getting married and having kids, which doesn’t make me feel any better about myself. I think somewhere along the line I got it in my head that ANY male attention was better than none. It’s just not true. You, me… hell, all of us… we deserve so much more than that.

    Kudos to you for taking the first step to make a positive change in your life! You’ve inspired me to take a closer look at my own situation. Be strong ๐Ÿ™‚

  40. I usually skip these sort of entries, but read this one in it’s entirety…and it really made me sad. Weight is one of those topics I have a really hard time hearing about. I keep wanting to get healthier because that certainly is a good thing for everyone. Since I have been a size 22 since I was 15 (besides a brief fling with anorexia/bulimia when I was 16 which brought me to a plus size 14 plus. Despite it all I could never get a junior size over my hips) and it’s hard for me to comprehend how I am viewed by others.

    You are a beautiful person and I think it just annoys me that at the end of all this it just leads to you wanting to lose weight….which is complex because I want to lose weight too!

    Why am I rambling in your comments?

    Honestly, I am scared to be thinner. I don’t want attention from assholes who only want girls with a certain body type. Sure, everyone wants to be thought of as sexy. I like to think of myself as sexy now, but in a relationship I want it to be about who I am.

    I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I just think you’re beautiful, your body as well as everything else.

  41. I can totally relate to everything you are saying. I think it’s awesome you are committing yourself to YOURSELF before being in another relationship. You seem like the type that once you set your mind to something, you go full steam ahead and go get it! I bet during the process you will learn a lot about yourself too. Good luck on your journey, enjoy the ride!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  42. I’m with you on this Sizz. I realize that my weight directly effects my happiness.

    Everyone wants to be desired, but is it really valid when we don’t personally agree with it? Flattering…but it’s wrong until we change our own opinion.

    The only want to change is it is to change yourself. You’re doing it for you and that’s the most important thing to remember.

  43. I’ll have to come back and read all your comments… but Bob’s post, Wow! So many good posts on this today.

  44. Sometimes I find myself really wishing that we could see the colors of someone’s heart and base our love on that. But we can’t, so it is that much more important for us to love ourselves and to do whatever it takes to feel worthy of that love.

    You will be amazing. Even when it’s hard.

  45. While I feel fat and have body issues, I wear an 8-10 at 5’6″, so I should feel thin enough, right? Well, I don’t and While I was a size 12 4 years ago and have lost and kept off the weight, I still don’t think I am good enough. Losing weight will help with some of that body image stuff, but I am hear to tell you the inner work is more important. Also lose weight slowly and in a way you can do forever, because that is what it takes for those of us that are not naturally thin. I wish you all the luck, and blessings.

  46. I’d rather be fat and happy than be a guy with a small teeny tiny penis. At least you and I can lose weight. What can a man do with his small teeny tiny penis? Hang in there my friend. You are an amazing soul and a beautiful person ~ who at times, I envy. Be strong!

  47. Pingback: Goals and divine intention. « The Baub Show… If all the world’s a stage, I’m starring in

  48. You are a brave, brave woman to verbalize what so many of us think every day….And the part about film, or pictures even, that make you feel worse; well let’s say there are some pictures of me floating around from my recent high school reunion giving lap dances (yes plural). The camera added 15 lbs and 12 glasses of wine I think!! You know that you are going to get a bunch of people telling you that you are beautiful for who you are and that you are not too fat – but that doesn’t help you, never helped me either! When the skinny girl says “You’re not fat!”; you want to hit her! Do what makes you happy. If being healthy makes you happy, then it’s great that you wrote this down as your starting point. If you are prone to becoming addicted to things, (I am) whether it be food, alcohol, working out, blogging or facebook, just be careful that you don’t replace one addiction with another. I used to work for a tyrant, and he got me so stressed that I lost 30 lbs in 1 1/2 months – when he finally laid me off, I told him that I had lost weight because of the stress and all he said to me was “Where did you lose it, mm, didn’t notice the difference” and he had always made comments if I was eating something unhealthy as well. Society’s rules suck – but there’s not too much we can do about it immediately, Tyra failed at it even – and even Oprah too! So good luck with your quest, you have support and thanks again for as always, being brave enough to share this with the world.

  49. I applaud your efforts of demanding better for yourself. Growth isn’t always easy, but its always worth it. Hang in there, improve whatever you want in your life, your biggest cheerleaders are right there with you, cheering you on.

  50. Just do it for YOU. Because YOU want to be healthy, because YOU deserve to treat yourself with respect, because YOU are worth it. Sometimes it’s ok to make it all about YOU.

  51. You know what’s awesome? You CAN’T fail. Because when you love yourself and take care of yourself, you always win. It isn’t about a dress size, a number on a scale, or a new haircut. That’s the bonus stuff. Taking the time to be right with you means you automatically win.

    Love you!!!

  52. i identify greatly with this. i struggled with eating disorders for a long time. even now the narrative exists in my brain and it’s hard to get out. it’s reinforced passively at every turn, mostly because i look for the reinforcement because as far as i know, i’m not fully over anything yet. thin as you might get, fit as you might be, unless you fix that part the self-loathing dialog will always exist. it’s such a process.

    i don’t pimp my blog, you know that — but i have one in which i deal somewhat with this issue. you’re welcome to read and comment. it’s a bit all over the place, but i do try and deal with my image issues and the process of being proactive about how i eat and view myself. it’s a struggle and the blog helps me stay aware to some degree, as do other key people. and so i get this idea of accountability. it is essential.

    also, write me any time.

    l,
    c

  53. Isn’t it strange that how we see ourselves and how others see us can be so different. Every time I see a picture of you on this site I think…Wow, what a beautiful young woman.

    Best of luck with your New Beginning.

    You do SO rock. ๐Ÿ™‚

  54. Personality is the biggest turn on.. it just takes a while to see that in someone else.

    I am actually starting to date again. A part of me thinks like your friend, because I am a guy, that I should go out and sleep with women I have no attraction to.. then another side say “Fuck that, you have more respect for yourself than that”. Not sure yet which side will win. No reason to mention that other than your friends comment reminded me of that.

  55. I’m reading this a few days late. I understand all the negative body image bullshit. I’ve been dealing with it myself since I packed on all kinds of weight after my mom died. Do you mind if I tag along from a distance on this journey? I need help keeping motivated.

  56. Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Lose weight for your health and for how it makes you feel. My therapist once told me to eat half of what you normally eat rather than “diet” because people fall of of those. My husband thinks you can eat what you want as long as you get a run in everyday (he does that, I don’t!) Good luck – you can do it!!!

  57. My advice to your friend is that by behaving that way, he’s most likely projecting something outward that would turn off the girls that do fit into his “criteria.”

    There are a lot of guys out there that aren’t look for the sized 12 and under girl, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you have to be happy with you first.

    I’m struggling with my weight as well, despite eating better and exercising regularly now (I’ve literally not lost a pound). My new job is located near 24 Hour FItness, so I’m going to join and try to start jogging again. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to see a doctor to make sure there aren’t any other underlying issues.

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