I went out on a limb three times in as many days.
And I didn’t fall to pieces.
For me, when I am not being authentic and sharing what’s true for me with people, I feel closed up like a bud. I do not feel like myself. And while I’m still learning to balance the sharing with the over-sharing, luckily when I do over-share it’s usually with humorous results so it’s not all bad. (Right?) It’s more the situations where I feel a disconnect between me and another person or me and what I believe to be true that weigh on me. Sometimes I avoid sharing what’s on my mind for weeks and instead avoid the person and try to act like everything is okay. I’m fine! No, there’s no problem here! Carry on! It’s really kind of ridiculous that I even try to pretend because anyone who knows me at all knows I am stalling. I am transparent to a fault so my efforts of distraction and pretending are in vain.
I don’t think bravery comes naturally to me. I have to push myself a lot of the time to open up my mouth and speak particularly when it’s something I feel embarrassed, sensitive or bad about. But what I am learning is that in sharing my worry and concern with someone I might be pleasantly surprised. I might find support and realness and grace. I might find sweet relief. I might end up feeling closer and safer with the person I had convinced myself would not care for me at all if I spoke my truth. I might even begin to look at myself as someone who can’t fix everything, who is frequently wrong or broken, who doesn’t know all the answers and who is still worthy of being loved.
It’s a process. Bear with me.
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.