The Universe sent me this message:
Which sounds like more fun, Sizzle: Being showered with miracles just because I love you, or being showered with miracles because you dared, stretched, went out on a limb, raised the bar, threw down the gauntlet, faced your fears, and grew into more than you ever knew you could be?
My initial response was JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME. Because, hello? That’s waaaay easier. But of course that’s not going to happen. Nothing is ever handed to us in this life. And so I will continue to toil away at the hard stuff.
I’ve been making a lot of progress if I do say so myself. I’m pushing myself to be more open about my feelings especially when they’ve been hurt and not beating myself up for feeling upset. I am very uncomfortable with my vulnerability. My therapist and I were discussing this just yesterday- how I initially react with anger because I use it as a shield but underneath is a lot of pain and hurt and sorrow. Of course it would follow that I would breakdown crying in yesterday’s session because it was in the middle of the work day and I had to return to the office. OF COURSE. I do not recommend therapy before or during work.
It’s really an odd sensation for me to focus on me and me alone. Some of my friends have drama going on in their lives but I continue to tell myself that it’s not mine and to not pick it up. To be supportive without taking it on. I have to hold the boundary because I’m like a drama addict – especially other peoples- so if I get near any, I want to dive right in. Oh let’s fix this! It’ll be fun! So sick and wrong. It’s been the best distraction for me from my own issues but not anymore! Oh no. I’m not going there.
Choosing to be healthy in mind and body and spirit is something I have to commit to daily. The dark side is so alluring though. It’s full of distractions and distortions and, let’s be honest, it makes for a better story. But fuck it. I’m throwing down the gauntlet and facing my fears and raising the bar. I’m going to be more than I ever thought I could be. I’m totally scared I will fail but I’m doing it anyway.
“Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”-Frank Herbert