It’s been awhile since I wrote. I never said thank you for visiting me. Thank you! That year and a half taught me a lot and there were more high points than there were low, if I look at it without my heartbreak glasses on. Every time you visit me I think “maybe this is the one that will stay” because that’s what I’m supposed to do, right? I’m supposed to want a fanciful forever with the embodiment of you.
And I do.
But let’s not fool ourselves. You come. You go. You’re a powerful force to be reckoned with but that’s not news to you, is it? You pride yourself on that. While I generally enjoy roller coasters sometimes the ride you take me on makes my stomach jump into my throat. You make me nervous. And excited. Like all I can do is throw my hands up and scream. It feels exhilarating and terrifying.
I think that’s the point.
I’ve been proclaiming that I’m on a love sabbatical. I tell everyone I don’t want to date and it’s honestly true. Dating is exhausting. I’m trying to focus on myself and self-improvement. Not necessarily because I don’t think I’m a catch but because there are some parts of me that I am not comfortable with. Each time you come around and then leave, I am left in an introspective place, re-examining myself, dissecting the hows and whats and whys. The whys are the worst. I search for some sort of peace, some answer to mend the tear, some magic potion to restore my faith.
I don’t ever give up hope though. No matter what kind of defense I might throw up, the hope is strong. I’m an optimistic realist, remember? I know you’ll be back again. It’s just not knowing the time table that throws me. I like to have a plan. Should I chuck the whole needing-a-plan thing? Because it hasn’t really worked for me yet and I’m putting two and two together. I’m working on trust. Trusting myself and others. I might be gullible but I’ve got a serious alarm system for emotional intrusions. Makes it hard to really let a person in when you’ve got a siren sounding in your head. But don’t worry, I’m close to disarming it. And I’m not a quitter so you can bet I’ll follow through.
You are too important to me to not try.
Here’s what I’m asking because, let’s be frank, you owe me one. I’m want The Big One. Oh yeah, you heard me- The Big Love of My Life. I figured I’d just lay all my cards on the table. I’m not a gambler by nature but at the ripe age of thirty-six I’m feeling bold and saucy. Besides, what do I have to lose? Everything? Okay then.
Look, I’m not in a super big hurry but you know me, I tend to be impatient. I just want you to know that I’m preparing for it. And when he arrives, I will be ready. So make sure he’s up for it.
I appreciate you looking out for me.
“There are no short cuts to anywhere worth going.” -Beverly Sills