Love Letter (III)

Dear Love,

It’s been awhile since I wrote. I never said thank you for visiting me. Thank you! That year and a half taught me a lot and there were more high points than there were low, if I look at it without my heartbreak glasses on. Every time you visit me I think “maybe this is the one that will stay” because that’s what I’m supposed to do, right? I’m supposed to want a fanciful forever with the embodiment of you.

And I do.

But let’s not fool ourselves. You come. You go. You’re a powerful force to be reckoned with but that’s not news to you, is it? You pride yourself on that. While I generally enjoy roller coasters sometimes the ride you take me on makes my stomach jump into my throat. You make me nervous. And excited. Like all I can do is throw my hands up and scream. It feels exhilarating and terrifying.

I think that’s the point.

I’ve been proclaiming that I’m on a love sabbatical. I tell everyone I don’t want to date and it’s honestly true. Dating is exhausting. I’m trying to focus on myself and self-improvement. Not necessarily because I don’t think I’m a catch but because there are some parts of me that I am not comfortable with. Each time you come around and then leave, I am left in an introspective place, re-examining myself, dissecting the hows and whats and whys. The whys are the worst. I search for some sort of peace, some answer to mend the tear, some magic potion to restore my faith.

I don’t ever give up hope though. No matter what kind of defense I might throw up, the hope is strong. I’m an optimistic realist, remember? I know you’ll be back again. It’s just not knowing the time table that throws me. I like to have a plan. Should I chuck the whole needing-a-plan thing? Because it hasn’t really worked for me yet and I’m putting two and two together. I’m working on trust. Trusting myself and others. I might be gullible but I’ve got a serious alarm system for emotional intrusions. Makes it hard to really let a person in when you’ve got a siren sounding in your head. But don’t worry, I’m close to disarming it. And I’m not a quitter so you can bet I’ll follow through.

You are too important to me to not try.

Here’s what I’m asking because, let’s be frank, you owe me one. I’m want The Big One. Oh yeah, you heard me- The Big Love of My Life. I figured I’d just lay all my cards on the table. I’m not a gambler by nature but at the ripe age of thirty-six I’m feeling bold and saucy. Besides, what do I have to lose? Everything? Okay then.

Bring it.

Look, I’m not in a super big hurry but you know me, I tend to be impatient. I just want you to know that I’m preparing for it. And when he arrives, I will be ready. So make sure he’s up for it.

I appreciate you looking out for me.



“There are no short cuts to anywhere worth going.” -Beverly Sills


32 thoughts on “Love Letter (III)

  1. Being open to love is definitely the first and most important step. At least it was in my experience. I definitely wasn’t “looking” for Chris, but when I found him I realized that yes, I really was, all along. (Annd…end cheese!)

    Here’s to big love.

  2. Patience…hmmm…an interesting concept. Anyway, just relax and have fun. Enjoy life. And crush any unfortunate bastards that get in your way. (I think that was Jesus’ motto.)

  3. I am really lovin’ your blog. I started reading when a mutual friend stopped writing on hers for a short period. I am really relating you your feelings and issues for lack of a better wording. Anyway, keep up the good work.

  4. From my personal experience, the introspection that follows heartbreak is some of the best stuff out there. That time when you’re entirely devoted to yourself and no one else. Relish this time. The Big O will come (ha – pun intended) and once he does, there won’t be any looking back.

  5. Great letter. I think it is good to focus on yourself for awhile because I think that will lead to the kind of self-acceptance that makes you able to open up when The Big One comes along. You know?

  6. This is awesome. I love how honest you are about wanting the Big One.

    I had started to wonder if it was really out there and then…Matthew.

    Praying that you find the one who is perfect for you.


  7. Oh that roller coaster…we all keep getting on it again huh?
    You deserve whatever it is you want and don’t let anyone tell you any different!

  8. Awww…it’ll come! It’s not always rainbows & butterflies, but it’s what keeps us all going, right? I too will be keeping my fingers crossed and sending wishes to the Universe on your behalf!

  9. Allow for the possibility that the big one might start small. Let go. And trust that like a seedling in the spring, it might take time to grow into summer’s perfect bloom.

  10. What a great letter! Someone once told me “don’t give up because it only takes one. You don’t have to be searching for him, but he will show up in your life when you least expect it.” <—–I loved this thought process because really, it does only take one. The right one.

  11. Loving the love posts.

    Well I agree that love better get it’s shit together because you TOTALLY deserve it. I’m so glad you’re able to get all your thoughts and feelings about this out. It’s such a difficult thing to put yourself out there again and again. I admire you and I know you will find what you’re looking for.

  12. I sort of want to steal that letter and send it to Love myself, too. Don’t worry, though. Plagiarism isn’t my style. Could you just let Love know that he can pop on over and visit me too, once he’s taken care of you? That’d be great; thanks. 🙂

  13. Dear Sizzle,
    Yeah, sorry about that. I had a surplus of the not right, not employed, not emotionally stable variety that I needed to flush through the system. I sent out a notice warning people of this and suggesting they contact my colleague, Just-Getting-Laid for the period between 1985 and 2010 while I worked the kinks out of the system. At the moment I am now flushing out a surplus of the Dating Your Best Friend, Closeted Gay, and Afraid of Commitment models. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get around to your request at some point in the near future. Until then I suggest you forward your request to Sport Fuck or First Husband.

  14. Oh that was just awesome. Darnit, I wish I wrote it. Mine might contained explicatives, which probably isn’t a good thing when writing a formal request 😉 Bold and Saucy Sizzle….I hope your letter gets answered very soon!! Until then just remember good things come to those who wait! (Cheesy, but hopefully true) XOXO

  15. For one thing I don’t believe in just one “Big One”, there are many and the best way to bring him is to relax, love yourself and get busy with all your own stuff. Trust me I have been waiting 53 years and mine has not shown up yet, so patience is needed :-).

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