Hot Eyeball Thievery Advice*

A) It is SO HOT HERE that I can’t wait to get to work because work is air conditioned and I can’t wait to go to the pool because the pool is wet and cool. (Duh.) When it’s in the 80’s outside that means it is in the 90’s in my apartment. Can I just move into the pool or the office temporarily? This blasted heat wave is killing my will to move about or wear clothes. (People who live in the South or the desert do not give me shit for my heat wimpyness. I moved here for rain, not this.)

B) My cat, Dot, has conjunctivitis. Again. She had it as a baby and it’s flared up in her right eye. We got the vet who likes to slowly explain everything to you like he’s teaching a class. I said a lot of “mmm” and “right!” and “really?” and didn’t mind that much because HELLO it was air conditioned in their office. Now I have to give her two squirts medicine in her mouth twice a day. You can bet money there will be blood. Mine.

C) My Mom got her purse stolen out of her car while she was with her dog at the beach. This sucks for all the regular reasons plus she’d just got her WA license and her prescription glasses were in there. She currently has no health insurance so replacing them is going to be costly. Hopefully they haven’t depleted her bank account. BASTARDS.

D) The other night Tomato texted me asking me to call into his BlogTalk radio show. He was doing a trial run, testing out if he wants to go ahead and host a show. He had his friend Lucy on who was having a bit of dating trouble so we gave her advice. Tomato and I like to give advice. I’m trying to only do it when I asked. It’s kinda sorta working okay! not really. Apparently Tomato wants me to host with him sometimes. There will be more details on this when they are hammered out.

Speaking of my dear friend, Tomato. . .he’s also a member of the Boyfriend Review Board. It’s odd to say this but I am going to say it anyway: When I think about Tomato and him meeting any of my beaus I always think of him as “the dad” because he’s so protective of me in a very familial way. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been best friends for twenty years. The analogy just gets creepy when you throw in the sex and dating part of our history because, um, well, yeah.

Here’s how Tomato would screen a potential suitor:

  • What do you think about gay people? (This says a lot about his tolerance in general, not to mention you wouldn’t be able to date any degree of a homophobe. Chances are they probably have a few race issues as well.)
  • I would like to see photos of him. If he doesn’t smile in any of his photos, he is not right for you. I don’t trust people who don’t smile in their photos. I’ve rarely been wrong about this.
  • What are his religious and political views? While the answer is not the deal breaker, the right answer of his should be, he has his beliefs but does not feel a need to preach them nor condemn others for their opinions. If he is strong willed on either his politics or religion and finds that it is his way or no way, then he is not right for you. Even if upfront he pretends he doesn’t mind your way, he does and it will come out down the road and get ugly.
  • Is he attracted to you “as is” or does he think you have a pretty face and after he gets you to lose a few pounds, you’ll be perfect? While this seems like an obvious red flag, it is usually only an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about until a few months into the relationship and the elephant walks up and steps on your relationship and you are side swiped because you never saw it coming. If this question is asked up front, you know what you are dealing with. He should like you as is and should support you choosing to eat healthy or treat your body well, but should be attracted to you as you are.
  • What is his relationship with his family? It’s okay if he isn’t close to his biological family, but he better have a strong network of friends to surrogate that family. If he is a loner and doesn’t need people in his life, you don’t need him. You need someone gregarious and open to love and knows love from experience. You don’t need to teach him how to love, he already knows.

*This makes no sense. Or does it?


34 thoughts on “Hot Eyeball Thievery Advice*

  1. That sucks about your mom! Also, I don’t judge about heat tolerance. It’s all relative and based on what you’re used to.

  2. No offense to any of your other friends, but I think the questions the Tomato posed are probably the best ones, and they can be applied early on in the process of getting to know someone.

    What happened to your Mom SUCKS. It’s a bitch to try and get all that stuff back, not to mention money out of pocket.

  3. I love those questions! But I have to say if someone asked me how I feel about gay people, I’d have no idea how to answer. It’s almost like asking “how do you feel about people with blue eyes”. How do you answer that? It isn’t like some group of same minded people. Although I suppose since I have no problem with the fact that the people are gay, that would be what he was looking for but the question as posed would probably make me stumble.

    I am totally with him on the smiling thing for sure. Certain people just look grumpy and it tends to be indicitive of their whole self. No joke I am looking for a new doctor (maybe) and I am looking through the website with photos. I am leaning towards on particular guy because he looks happy and has a cool name.

    I hope your cat gets better soon and that it isn’t too terribly traumatic for you to give the medicine!

    And I’ll think good thoughts for your mom. That really stinks!

  4. We seem to be getting all the rain you should be getting which of course makes the temperature drop. Again, wanna visit DC?

    I like Tomato’s list. Makes me want to print it out and give it out to all my friends. No, seriously.

    Hope your cat feels better and hope the people who stole your mom’s purse trip, fall, break both legs, arms and end up looking like Brittney Spears on crack. Scary I know!

  5. The astute Tomato has a perfect potential boyfriend questionnaire prepared. It covers all the major issues that make or break a relationship. If you get it all out of the way up front, think of the time savings!

    As for the cat? I recommend iron workers gloves, they usually go up to your elbow and you should be covered. 😉

  6. Yes it makes perfect sense! I like it.

    Every time you say “There will be blood. Mine.” It cracks me up. It is physically impossible for me to get medicine down my cat’s gaping maw. Not happening. Ever. Maybe two people armed with large bath towels could, but not one little ole me.

    I’m so sorry for your mom! It’s such a violation. (Why did I think she lived in CA?) I hope something wonderful happens to her to counteract this rottenness.

    The heat blows. I just got my a/c installed yesterday and I almost wept with happiness. (Now watch it won’t get above 70 for months.) (If it doesn’t, you know who to thank.) I hadn’t slept in 3 days.

    I love your BRB and Tomato’s questions are perfect. I’m going to use them for my application. 🙂

  7. “Or does it?” I sure hope it does, because it should be in the running for Title of the Year.

    And also, as always, “Do you live in a van down by the river?”

  8. We don’t have AC in our house either, and our bedroom is on the top floor.

    I hope everything works out for your Mom. Why are people such jerks?

  9. i’m a heat wimp as well. if it gets above 80 with humidity on top of that (which is basically the entire nyc summer), i get all crabby. i think i have reverse seasonal affective disorder. 😉

    that list is awesome. it really covers all the bases – openmindedness, unconditional love, willingness to love, love of life.

  10. I’m with Tomato on all his questions, definitely the ‘family, no matter what kind’ one. Don’t forget to factor in long term friends and family. If all friends are current, no one from their past, it’s a giant red flag. And they must like animals. Something is severely wrong with people (unless you were seriously injured by one) who don’t like animals. My own little test is if my dogs like a guy. If any of my animals has ever disliked a dude, I didn’t date him. When an overly friendly dog doesn’t like someone, in my mind, he must be a potential felon.

  11. Today is the first day here that it hasn’t been Seattle weather. I swear the whole country is swapping weather right now, and it ain’t good for any of us!

    I am sorry about your mom’s purse and your kitty! And I think your bud Tomato is right on with the review questions.

  12. I’m pretty sure he would approve of me (given those questions). What I mean is, you should totally like girls and be with me.


  13. Wow!! Tomato is GREAT at screening potential suitor! Those points he raised are awesome.

    Something he did forget though, the guy can NOT have hammertime going on in his shoe. If he has terrible feet…he’s a gonner.

  14. My Seattle friends keep complaining about the heat. It’s to the point now I check my weather and then theirs to see if their complaints are actually valid or if they are complaining for no reason (these friends like to complain). And holy batman- I can say I’m feeling for you. IT HAS been hot there.

    Also, I like the questions too. I think the one about family is important- and I like that it’s made clear that it’s not biological family that’s absolutely necessary but a network. People need people. Wow. That’s todays “deep” thought. Hey, don’t judge too harshly, it’s hot here too and my brain is melting. 😉

  15. I love all of Tomatoes questions and the reasoning behind them. I’ve probably adopted some form of them in my own dating history. Seems like a wise man to me. Glad you’ve kept him in your life despite the dating stumbles!

  16. At my pet store job it gets a humid 80 degrees in there. I am so tempted to dunk my face into one of the fish tanks sometimes. HOT. I also hate to sweat.

    LOVE Tomato’s questions! They should totally be asked.

  17. Poor Dot! I hope she gets better soon. Good luck with the squirts. Ugh. It’s so difficult to give medicine to cats!

    I didn’t know you guys were having a heat wave! I hope it cools down a bit for you 🙂

  18. I am totally stealing the title of this post for my next media release.

    I think Tomato’s question are the best so far. Love the bit about “loving you as is…” leads to all sorts of trouble later on. Best get it out of the way before you have too much vested.

  19. I think I need a Tomato in my life to screen potential dates. It would save me so much time, not to mention heartache.
    I hope Dot gets better soon and there is not too much blood spread.

  20. I won’t give you crap about the heat since I was a former Seattleite for 40 years but now live in the desert of Las Vegas. The thing that sucked about the heat in WA was most of us didn’t have AC and it got hot, damn hot! Now in Vegas, I’m so acclimated that I go back to Seattle and FREEZE and get laughed at. Oh well. One thing I don’t miss is the rain. BTW, Tomato is cool. I have found some really great blogs through you, thanks!

  21. A- Heat is also not allowed here in Portland, OR… blasted heat wave! (we did get some relief with a crazy storm that rolled through this evening)

    B -Kitty medicine should never have to be administered by their human. Only by a paid professional. i lost $40 in medication trying to get the cats to swallow one pill each only to have it end up pretty much in tact on the carpet in two hot messes.

    C – SUCK

    D – Like what eHarmony promises without the fees

  22. As a former CMS rep for a major credit card company… first and foremost, I’m sorry this has happened to your mom… but if she hasn’t already: 1) Call the Soc Sec office and put a flag on her ss# for potential fraud; 2) do that with ALL of her store cards and credit cards too; 3) get her driver’s license made over with a new #; 4) call the police & report it; 5) call the bank get all of her #s changed (there should not be a charge to do this); 6) call all three credit bureaus: Experian, Equifax; Trans Union ~ also put a fraud alert on there too; 7) sign up for either Privacy Guard ~ a good service my now former company offers and you can enroll online to protect her identity from current/future happenings… and 8) keep your purse in your trunk! (or at home).

    Still sad to hear that about her….

  23. Aw no sorry to hear about your mother. My friend was in a car crash and her purse was stolen while she was sitting on the side of a road trying not to pass out!

  24. Tomato sounds like one smart cookie. And the whole ‘dont trust someone who doesnt smile in pictures’ made me laugh out loud. That sounds like something my Meme would say. And she’s hardly ever wrong either. 🙂

  25. I am not a fan of weather extremes. I get very irritable when it is too hot or too cold, and my temperature range keep shrinking. I am now okay between 45 and 70.

    As for your moms glasses…My husband and I just ordered glasses from this place: We paid under $30 for two pairs of glasses. May be worth a look for your mom.

  26. Tomato is a smart one. I am totally in agreement on the familial relationships and the propensity to smile.
    And I get that friendship because my friend Paul is like my brother…like my twin brother almost…and it’s a little freaky because of the dating and *ahem* such. But hey, that’s why it didn’t last–we’re better off as friends anyhow. 🙂

  27. I’m with you on the “trying to give advice only when it’s asked.” I realized recently how bad I am about always giving my two cents, and how sometimes that’s not what people are looking for. It’s a hard habit to break. (sing it with me!)

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