I came to a startling realization while talking with Kaply and crying in my idling car Friday night.
I’m not happy.
I actually haven’t been happy for at least a year. Happy in the sense that I am content with who I am and am doing what fills me with joy. Happy as in living my life for me, going after what I want, not defining myself by how other people view me or if a man wants me or not. I was sitting there comparing myself to other people’s successes, adventures and fulfillment, feeling jealous and bitter. What the fuck? That’s a total waste of time and energy.
In my last post I was talking about being willing to feel and that means feeling even when it sucks and is painful. I know it’s been almost three months since The Fella and I split but I swear it’s like I am just now getting around to grieving it. I think because the anger I was holding onto was blocking my ability to get to the sadness. The Fella was the closest I’d let any guy come to knowing me in a very, very long time. I wrestle with feeling like a failure because we couldn’t make it work. I struggle with guilt because I know I participated in the demise of the relationship even when I was checked out and that ultimately, I hurt him. I don’t think we could have fixed what broke between us even if we’d wanted to but that doesn’t make it any easier.
This is honestly the first time in a very long time where I am not seeking out romantic love, not dating anyone, not on the prowl for some sort of flirtation, or not carrying on with an ex pretending the problems of our former relationship were fixed by time and space (they never are). It’s just me alone with me. By choice. I’ll tell you one thing- it sure does give a girl a lot of time to think. I’m debating if this is a good or a bad thing.
It’s funny how we see ourselves. I know I am often overbearing, opinionated, strong-willed, and guarded. I talk too much. I worry more than I should. I spend way too much time thinking about other people’s feelings. I feel like I do myself and everyone else a disservice every time I put other people before me. If anything, I put too much time and effort into figuring out what might be best for everyone else BUT me. And I’m slowly learning that I have to just let people be themselves and travel at their own pace. I’m trying to find the balance between caring and over-caring. I’m trying to stop deflecting all my caring and give some to myself.
As I sat there in that car, my mind racing with my inadequacies and all the things I longed to try but didn’t because of some imagined deficiency on my part, I made a conscious decision right then and there to be happy.
Just. Be. Happy.
Something just clicked inside me and I’m rolling with it. This time right now is a gift. I’m going to find out what makes me happy and then do it with all the zeal I can muster.
Welcome to Operation Happy.
I’ll keep you posted.
“I have accepted fear as a part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: Turn back, turn back; you’ll die if you venture too far.” -Erica Jong