I had a hot date with Finn Saturday night while his parents went to a show. During the course of the evening the following was said:
- Running up to sniff a outside garbage can, he puts his face right up to the plastic and smells. “What are you doing?!” I ask suspiciously. His reply? “I’m sniffing. IT SMELLS LIKE WAFFLES!” Uh, whatever you say weirdo.
- In the bathtub he’s got a gajillion toys floating around him in the water, including tiny bowling pins. It looks like he’s sitting on one so I say, “Careful that you don’t sit on the bowling pin. You don’t want that to go up your butt.” Clearly, I need more practice around almost-three year olds because what does he do? Oh yes, grabs it and tries to PUT IT UP his butt. “No! Don’t do that!” I cry out thinking that my sister is going to kick my ass if I have to call her and tell her she needs to come home because he has a miniature bowling pin up his bumhole. He laughs and says, “I like it.” Oh dear.
- He has a flashlight and is torturing the cat with it. The cat is not in the mood for a spotlight and gives him a warning hiss. He runs into the bathroom and uses it to peer up the water spout. I ask him what he sees and he replies, “There are germs up there!”
- We’re in the kitchen and I’m making him a bedtime snack. As we wait for the toast to brown, a naked Finn (this is right after bath time but who am I kidding, the kid loves to be in his birthday suit) is jumping up and down, up and down, up and down and he says rather gleefully to me, “Look TeeTee, I am making my penis move!” That’s awesome, Finnman but that trick isn’t really going to impress the ladies in twenty years. Just keep that in mind.
- We’re reading books in bed when we get to the book, Wombats on Walkabout. I ask him what a kookaburra is and he says, “Ummmm (thinking, thinking). . . It’s a MANIAC.” And wouldn’t you know? In the book it says the bird laughs like “a maniac.”
Clearly, my nephew is an adorable genius. If you aren’t convinced, watch this:
What can I say? I have much to teach. Give me your child for the evening and I shall encourage him to speak in street slang with gang signs (luckily he got that part wrong- the hand up to the mouth was his own interpretation).
I can also teach kids to drop pebbles down an alley drain and to listen for the kerplunk sound in the water below. Hours of amusement in this activity, I tell ya. Plus, it’s like SCIENCE.
I am also skilled in fashioning turbans out of towels after bath time. (This picture slays me EVERY TIME I look at it. Sincerely.)
This is the job of the aunt. I take my job very seriously.