Dear Trader Joe’s Security Guard,
I sincerely appreciated you pointing out that my vehicle tags were two months expired. I honestly had no idea! I never received a notice and, besides, who actually looks at their license plates? Not me, that’s for sure. I looked it up immediately on line when I got home but then realized I had to get an emissions test which would require time. Time is not something I’ve had much of in the past week. Not that you would know this or care about my excuses as to why, when I returned to Trader Joes a few days later, my tags still said May.
Here’s some feedback: There is a line between helpfulness and badgering and you crossed it. When you came over to my car appearing to be “helping” me by retrieving my cart when really you want to give me a lecture on how if you were “on duty” I’d be getting a ticket and how you already told me and how come I haven’t done it and blahblahyaddablah- THAT IS BADGERING. I’m not sorry I was short with you because really? REALLY?! You have so much fucking free time you have to hassle me about my license tags? When people are being shot a few blocks away in drive by shootings? When cars are being broken into, women attacked on residential tree-lined streets and kids are homeless. REALLY!? So when I curtly replied “I’m on it” what I really meant was FUCK OFF.
Signed: Formerly Appreciative
P.S. I get it. You’re a cop. And guess what? I DO NOT CARE.
Dear Regence Blue Shield,
Your coverage is impossible to understand. Why are you sending me a check written to me AND my acupuncturist? I mean, he’s cute in a hippy way but we’re not an item. It’s not like that. Who is this check actually for?
Signed: What the fuck?
P.S. Why won’t you cover more than 12 visits of therapy a year? Do you actually think a person can be “healed” in 12 visits?!
While I can appreciate the irony, I’m not so stoked on your careful placement right where my third eye is. Is this some kind of sign? Is my chi blocked?!
Signed: Third Eye Blind
Why do you make me fart?
P.S. I am leaving you for Stevia.
Thank you for not giving notice. For the first time in over over four months the building is full. You have given me my weekends back and my July thanks you.
Signed: Ready for the weekend.
P.S. While you are at it could you please not be noisy, smelly or stupid?