Open Letters

Dear Trader Joe’s Security Guard,

I sincerely appreciated you pointing out that my vehicle tags were two months expired. I honestly had no idea! I never received a notice and, besides, who actually looks at their license plates? Not me, that’s for sure. I looked it up immediately on line when I got home but then realized I had to get an emissions test which would require time. Time is not something I’ve had much of in the past week. Not that you would know this or care about my excuses as to why, when I returned to Trader Joes a few days later, my tags still said May.

Here’s some feedback: There is a line between helpfulness and badgering and you crossed it. When you came over to my car appearing to be “helping” me by retrieving my cart when really you want to give me a lecture on how if you were “on duty” I’d be getting a ticket and how you already told me and how come I haven’t done it and blahblahyaddablah- THAT IS BADGERING. I’m not sorry I was short with you because really? REALLY?! You have so much fucking free time you have to hassle me about my license tags? When people are being shot a few blocks away in drive by shootings? When cars are being broken into, women attacked on residential tree-lined streets and kids are homeless. REALLY!? So when I curtly replied “I’m on it” what I really meant was FUCK OFF.

Signed: Formerly Appreciative

P.S. I get it. You’re a cop. And guess what? I DO NOT CARE.


Dear Regence Blue Shield,

Your coverage is impossible to understand. Why are you sending me a check written to me AND my acupuncturist? I mean, he’s cute in a hippy way but we’re not an item. It’s not like that. Who is this check actually for?

Signed: What the fuck?

P.S. Why won’t you cover more than 12 visits of therapy a year? Do you actually think a person can be “healed” in 12 visits?!


Dear Zit,

While I can appreciate the irony, I’m not so stoked on your careful placement right where my third eye is. Is this some kind of sign? Is my chi blocked?!

Signed: Third Eye Blind


Dear Splenda,

Why do you make me fart?

Signed: Gassy

P.S. I am leaving you for Stevia.


Dear Tenants,

Thank you for not giving notice. For the first time in over over four months the building is full. You have given me my weekends back and my July thanks you.

Signed: Ready for the weekend.

P.S. While you are at it could you please not be noisy, smelly or stupid?


25 thoughts on “Open Letters

  1. Signed “Third eye blind”…nice.

    It sounds like the Trader Joe cop has a little bit of a control problem. It’s good you didn’t tell him off, though, cause you KNOW you would’ve been pulled over by that guy when he was on duty at some point after.

  2. When we moved into our house we found out that there was $100 past due on the water bill. Then we got a check from the title company to cover it, so we paid it. Then the next water bill had a credit on it. Apparently the title company paid the bill directly and sent us a check for it? I’m not complaining… Is that bad?

  3. Dear Sizzle,
    You make me laugh. Thank you.
    Signed, Faithful reader, who feels a little bit stalkerish without a blog

  4. I see your week is going about as well as mine. At least there are some good things in there for you. I’m sure the tenant thing has to be good. Our building has 3 or 4 empty apartments and they’ve been empty for months. I’m glad I’m not responsible for that.

  5. The same thing happened to me about the vehicle tags. Mine were expired and I was pulled over by a cop (who was, in fact, very nice about it and just told me to take care of it immediately).
    I had no idea the tag was expired and I had paid my registration… until I found out that I, too, had to get an emission test done… which failed. It took me 3 months to get it fixed and pass the emission test again (because apparently I had to drive the car for, oh, 100 miles before the emission test will pass… all the while, I was driving around with expired tags.)
    I took my chances though and didn’t get a ticket.
    I hope you won’t either if this a** of a cop catches you “on duty”.

  6. Funny…Stevia makes me toot!

    Okay so wait, the dude was a cop who was doing a second job as a security guard? Cause yanno, he has no fucking authority if so.

  7. careful now, in some cities/states they can impound your car for expired tags.*

    *this comment is intended to be helpful, but i’m sure you’ll find a way to breathe negative life into it and take it as criticism.

  8. my tags are two months expired TOO!!!! i’ve been dreading the control cop coming after me, as drunk drivers swerve around us

  9. AT least the last one was some good news. I feel like writing one of these letters to my new dental plan — “thank you for only allowing one test to see if I need a root canal by my regular dentist (who is apparently unequipped to decide definitively) and charging me $90 to see a root canal specialist.” Sorry for venting on your blog!

  10. I am the TJs cop in my girlfriend’s life. Next time she bristles at my nagging, I will say, “At least I’m not a security guard.” And she will say, “Huh?”

  11. I feel like the security guard might not really be a cop. He just REALLY wants to be one, hence the badgering. Like somehow, the Cop Gods will see what a good cop he’d make, and then *POOF* make him a cop.

  12. The check is a Blue Shield thing… it’s stupid. I get them all the time for my chiropractor’s office. It’s supposedly some sort of payment to the doctor that I am supposed to deliver, for some reason. Totally dumb. My chiro is my friend (not in a cheesy way, she is a real-life friend that happens to be a doctor) so I just sign over all the checks to her because BS likes to shortchange what they say that they paid her? (on the statement, it will say ‘doctor paid $55’ and then they really send the $55 to me??) It is such a pain in the ass. I’m always having to call BS and get matching documentation so that the billing ladies can figure out when/where to apply the money. Just last month, we got something like $2,000 from BS for services for the past year. I should’ve run to Mexico! 🙂

    Also, about the tags: they can tow/impound/ticket if you’re in a public place, but not in your own carport or garage (also, most parking lots are private property). I totally forgot about renewing my tags too and once it’s late, it’s late. The fee stays the same for a year, so once it was 15 days late, I was in no hurry. I just heard a great rant about this from Adam Carolla the other day… he was saying that he has kept the dealer plates on his car for 5 years because it makes cops less inclined to hassle you (and there’s no law against it) about dumb stuff like tags (and they also don’t like to pull over a car with no plates unless you’re flagrantly driving badly – like 100 mph).

    sorry for such a long comment.

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