I was having a day yesterday. A Motherfucking DAY. You know the type.
Everything was off, bad timing, grumpy-making. It started in the morning when I forgot my cell phone and had to come back for it. Then when I went to post office and the line was so long that I walked in and turned right around, giving up. By then I was late for work. Then my lunch sucked. Stupid leftovers. And I got in a pseudo-fight with someone. Okay two someones. Maybe three. I lost count and I hate math getoffmyback. And I did that thing where I invalidate my feelings and say it’s okay when it is totally not okay because I don’t want people to be mad at me or get their feelings hurt but somehow it is okay if mine get hurt.* WTF with that bullshit? Then I went to another post office on the way home and they were closed. Fuck this stupid package. Then at the grocery store I realized I forgot my list so I was just winging it trying to remember what I needed. I was in line when some lady cut in front of me for a refund on some soda deal which then gave her three 24 packs of soda and everyone knows no one should drink that much soda. She apologized to me and I was not that nice. . .as in I kind of rolled my eyes and pretended to pray with my hands up to my face and everything. That’s when I realized I forgot to get wine THE MOST IMPORTANT ITEM ON MY LIST(!) but my cart was already unloaded. I had a moment where I thought, I could just walk away from this entire situation and get in my car. Leave the groceries on the conveyor belt and just fucking bolt. But I didn’t. I endured it with a vacant, half-smile plastered on my face.
I spent the entire day feeling small and wrong and less than.
I hope today is nothing like yesterday.
(*About that invalidation thing. . .below the jump I go into more detail.)
I keep doing it. Mostly with men.
I invalidate my feelings.
I assume they would not want to hear my bullshit. I even call it bullshit. I don’t want to “bother” them. I am certain they have “better things to do” than listen to me drone on about my daddy issues and low self-esteem moments. As if that’s all I am. As if I only offer the broken parts of me. I completely take away any responsibility from them and make the decision for them. That way, I go into it rejected and it totally fulfills my self-fulfilling prophecy that men will not show up for me.
The worst part now is that I watch myself doing it. I am actually fully aware of this manipulative, fucked up crap I am pulling and as I’m doing it I sink deep, deep down into a dark hole inside myself where I am 14 and totally consumed with controlling an uncontrollable situation. But this is what I know. This is how I learned to cope in a situation that taught me in so many ways what to value or fight for or crave.
I know how to diminish my worth and my place in the world.
I dictate how little I deserve based on how good of a person I believe myself to be at any given moment.
I am never good enough and so of course no guy is going to prove me wrong. I never give any of them a chance, anyhow.
There is a part of me that actually gets that my father’s drinking had nothing to do with any deficiency on my part. But there’s also that part of me that wonders what I could have done differently or what I might have said that maybe would have changed his mind. Made him want to live or change or be happy.
When my dad gave up, I translated that to mean I did not matter. A lot of my behavior comes from a place of fear of not mattering. And now, years and years later, I am struggling against this desire for some man to show up- some broken man who loves me so much- and prove to me finally that I am worth fighting for, showing up for, changing for. So that I’ll feel like I matter.
I get all the ways this is fucked up. I’m trying to want something else. I’m trying to fight for myself and have that be enough.
“She will love them when she sees them/They will lose her if they follow/And she only means to please them/And her heart is full and hollow/Like a cactus tree/While shes so busy being free…” -Cactus Tree, Joni Mitchell