What the hell is she talking about? No one knows.

I’m pretty much fed up with cowardice.

You know how everyone has their breaking point? Their personal triggers, if you will? Well one of mine is lying and in particular, lying out of cowardice. The save-your-own-ass kind of cover up. The lying-to-yourself-so-you-are-lying-to-others scam. Is most lying out of cowardice? I’m pretty sure 90% of it is motivated by fear. Are cowardice and fear cut from the same cloth? Does this formula even compute?

Man, I hate word problems.

I am a very sympathetic person and tend to put myself in another person’s shoes to try to comprehend where they are coming from. . . but I am also guarded and judgmental. I do not like that I am but admitting it is part of the healing. I understand fear. I even understand cowardice though I have zero tolerance for it. Being a coward about your feelings around me is a recipe for disaster. I would rather have hard truth than tip toeing around. I had enough of that in my childhood thankyouverymuch. I think that’s why I am so frank now. I’ve just seen what not speaking your truth can do to a person. It can make you shrivel up and die (in different senses of the word). It’s a horrible thing to watch and worse, to feel.

I’m kind of an intense person. I’ve been told I am somewhat intimidating- though most of the time this statement has come from a man who I am dating/breaking up with who is not my emotional equal. Correct me if I am wrong but shouldn’t someone who supposedly loves you not ask you to be less than who you are just so they can feel comfortable with their self-proclaimed inferiority complex?

I digress.

And I am not being very nice.

And I have no idea how to tell you succinctly what the hell is motivating me to post this. For the past year I have been surrounded by relationships that are breaking apart because of infidelity. That’s one thing. For the past few months I have been struggling to feel sympathy for people who have completely lost sight of their own integrity because they have fallen into a dark hole of self-loathing. That’s another thing. For my entire life I have been striving to be an empathetic person who encourages people to be authentic. And what I have come to realize is that our fuckedupness, our humanness is so complicated and constantly shifting that I will never get a handle on it. That the best I can do is ride the wave and maybe, sometimes, remind people to:

Just speak your truth.

Just be yourself.

Just stop hiding.

That’s the big thing.

We’re all just so lost, just trying to be found.

“The little cracks they escalated/And before you know it is too late/For making circles and telling lies . . .” -Lies, Swell Season


27 thoughts on “What the hell is she talking about? No one knows.

  1. I think you have a point.

    I think you’ve found our truth.

    I also think that, once you’ve found your truth, it’s difficult to be patient with someone else who is farther behind the road you’ve already traveled.

  2. I hate word problems too.

    This post is so exactly what I feel. I had a strange childhood where I never knew what was supposed to be secret and what wasn’t. Because of this, I am very open as an adult. I will tell ANYTHING because I figure we are all humans, and we all are going through things so why hide them? Why not let people know that even when you are going through something, that is normal…that is what it means to be human. People who walk around all “pretend-y” make me have a sick feeling in my tummy. I’d rather know what someone thinks, even if I don’t like it, than to think someone thinks one thing while they really think another.

    (does this even make sense? It did when I wrote it so I’ll leave it and hope it does)

  3. Secrets are dangerous and eventually will come out of their hiding place, blowing everything apart. Why not be honest from the start?
    Oh and yes, a person will love you for who you are and not try to change you. If they are trying to change you, then something is up with them. Not you.

  4. That Swell Season song MOVES me, because now I understand those lyrics in ways I never realized were possible. Little lies beget bigger lies which beget ginormous lies which become fissures in your relationships, in your reality.

  5. The more I age the better I feel in my own skin and being myself seems to come more naturally.

    However as an only child who never could blame something on a sibling, I’ve been an alumni of the Tell the Truth class for as long as I can remember. Well okay maybe not that long, but a long ass time to be sure.

  6. I’m glad you wrote this post- I need to be reminded of that right now.

    I used to think that the only way I could really be comfortable with myself was to shut myself away from everyone. It took a long time to realize that the problem was me.


    I think you’re probably right- most lies are told because of cowardice. Good for you for this attitude that you have! It’s not easy to be like that when the norm today IS to hide and not be yourself.

  7. I don’t know, Sizz. I think what’s more frustrating is trying to scoop up those last two pieces of carrot plus that runaway piece of lettuce from your salad at lunch. Can you tell I’m frustrated?!? hahaha. I kid. On a much more serious + genuine note, I think you need to bookmark this post … because you will spend a lifetime of telling this to friends, family and maybe even yourself! Well said, by the way.

  8. I totally can relate to this. I am sympathetic to a fault, and I will usually look at someone’s motivations 100 ways to Sunday before I judge them. But if the motivation is to protect oneself by damaging others, I just can’t tolerate it. CAN. NOT.
    I guess because I am such an open book it is almost impossible for me to understand the lying and the hiding. Come to me honestly if you’ve screwed up and I will understand. I may be angry, but I will get over it much quicker than to see someone piling on deception after deception. It really does seem like the biggest display of cowardice. :-/

  9. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I am regularly faulted for my honesty and my demand for it in relationships. Cowardice is the perfect word to sum up what you speak of. I don’t understand why it is so hard for people to just be forthright and real. I’m currently in the midst of two separate situations that are dealing with this issue and it frustrates me so much.

  10. Don’t you wish we could just walk up to the front of the grocery store of life and say “I’m lost” and they’d announce our names over the PA system and someone would come find us? Ah. If only.

    I feel your pain on the watching friends crumble in the face of infidelity. It’s hard to watch the masochism that seems to go with that process.

    Lastly, the answer to this question: Correct me if I am wrong but shouldn’t someone who supposedly loves you not ask you to be less than who you are just so they can feel comfortable with their self-proclaimed inferiority complex?

    Is YES. Hell yes, in fact.

  11. I’d like you to stand up. Okay, are you standing? Now then, take a bow. And another. And maybe even do a little curtsy.

    We’re all so lost and the more we deny it, the worse our lives and situations get. I can look back on my past and pinpoint the exact moment that I’d wished I’d just said what I needed to say rather than letting my self-loathing guide me down the wrong road. I’ve lived. I’ve lost. I’ve learned. As understanding as I try to be, my patience with all of this is too wearing thin.

  12. “Just speak your truth” = brilliance. I would love to tell many people to just speak their fucking truth but instead I hold my tongue because apparently I’m “too hard on people.” Argh.

  13. I’m so like you in that I REQUIRE you to be honest about your feelings to be in my life. I don’t care if you hate me, you just have to admit it and deal with it. I’m always amazed how many people are afraid of emotional honesty.

  14. One of the few very cool things my father ever said to me was “well, kid, you seem to make your call and live with the consequences.” It may be one of the few things I get right.

  15. “I would love to tell many people to just speak their fucking truth but instead I hold my tongue because apparently I’m “too hard on people.””

    I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

  16. Very well said! When I get to a breaking point because of some of the people around me, I just try to surround myself with those in my life that do not drain my energy and are there as much for me as I am for them, if that makes sense.

  17. It would be so much easier if we didn’t have to hide from and lie to others and ourselves. Unfortunately, people have learned that there are consequences to honesty. People will use your truth against you to hurt you.

    Beer always forgives.

  18. I hate lies, and I hate being lied to. I would much rather have the truth and talk about it, even if it’s hard, than have the lies. The problem is, we lie when we’re afraid of what the other will think, of how they will react, but in lying we cheat both ourselves and the other person of what might have been.

  19. “but shouldn’t someone who supposedly loves you not ask you to be less than who you are just so they can feel comfortable with their self-proclaimed inferiority complex?”
    Wow, did we not just talked about this last night? Kind of scary that I am far enough behind reading your blog and this little tidbit hits me in the face.
    What now! Do I actually have to start chewing this over?

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