Three Sided Truth

What you and I don’t know about each other could fill volumes.

I piece together tidbits. I know what you look like though I’ve never stood in the same room with you. I know you have family you are close to and friends who love you. I know you are creative and kind and apparently funny though I have no idea what type of humor amuses you. I know you’re sensitive and a healer. We probably could have been friends. Except.

We’ve loved the same man. At the same time.

I am fairly certain you hate me. I don’t blame you and honestly, I understand. I’ve done things I never thought I would. Felt worse than I ever thought possible. Circled around my truth, hid from it, then swallowed it. Whole. In my own heart I’ve bargained. I’ve walked away repeatedly. Fought to break free so you could have a chance. So I could, too. I am not entirely selfless and definitely not blameless.  I am so many things, qualified as good or as bad depending on the seer, but I am always honest.

Ask him. He knows the brunt of it best.

I don’t know what you know of me. Or if it’s you that is checking my blog from where you both live together. I’m not even certain if you know that he talks to me. That he always has found a way back even when I change my number or move or say goodbye. A thousand times, goodbye. That I’ve always said you deserved better. That we all did. Because we all do.

By all turns, I am the other woman. I do not fool myself into believing any different. I’m the personification of a deeper problem. I’m a fantasy escape programmed in his mind’s speed dial. But I’ve participated in a lie that is not my own which makes me party to the masquerade. And that is not who I am. Not in every other place but here. And here should be no exception.

How much do you want to know?

You and I have never spoken though you’ve told him we have. I get the desperation that drove the lie. Maybe you’re hoping to finally get the whole truth. I think you already know but the mind can guard against the heart’s worst fears.  I do not know your intimacies, your inside jokes, your years of knowing him in ways I never have or will. I do not know your heart. But I hope you know that truth is the very least of what you deserve.

What you do with it is your own.

“This is a story of loaded glances and leaning in too far/this is a story of vague advances and confessions in smoky bars/so now I am walking down the sidewalk/and I am singing to myself/and I’m going to leave it all behind me now/’cause I don’t need this, I just don’t need this. . ./some fantasies are never meant to be realized at all/ and some regrets could be prevented/if you read the writing on the wall. . .” -Burning Bridges, Chris Pureka


52 thoughts on “Three Sided Truth

  1. …wow …putting the truth out there like that is intimidating …i’ve always seen you as a strong, driven, and honest woman …i tried to put myself in the shoes of the person this post is intended for while reading this …i had that slight paranoid looking over my shoulder feeling, reading through, thinking is this meant for me? …i wish i could be as brave …i still censor myself a bit

  2. It’s scary what we hide from ourselves, and even scarier to think that very act is also hiding something for or from someone else. You’re brave to face it, get it out, and move on. Hopefully that’ll help everyone involved.

  3. I have to agree with everyone else: You’re super brave, and man, can I relate. Great post – and, as difficult and angry and chaotic and hurtful and filled with relief as honesty and the truth can be at times, more than anything else, it’s beautiful at its deepest.

  4. there was a time in my life when i could have written this. i’m just not sure i would have had the courage.
    holy crap i’m impressed with your honesty.

  5. I wish I couldn’t relate to this but I can on almost every point.

    I put my life on hold for almost a decade (although I said that’s not what I was doing at all) while my mind guarded against my heart’s worst fears. I’m glad that time is over now, as hard as the transition was (Understatement, UGH.)

    I could write volumes but it’s not the place, I just want you to know (if you have any doubt. I know you’re way insightful enough to know.) that however you feel about the way things have unfolded, and whatever you deep down know you need to do to deal with it, you’re absolutely right – both factually correct and intuitively on point. Writing it out helped me. I wish I’d done it more in the thick of things. Am here if you need a truly unbiased ear.

  6. I am speechless. What a beautifully-written and honest post. Thank you for your courage and sharing your feelings with us so openly. It’s just stunning.

  7. Wow. Thank you for having the courage and integrity to say what many of us were never able to express. Your truth is an inspiration.

  8. Hmmm.. yup. This hits pretty deeply… Thanks for writing it- I need to be that courageous.

    (and you are so awesome for knowing Chris Pureka- I love her too!)

  9. Been there. Done that. I had constantly struggled with the part of me that still wants her to know the whole truth rather than the lies he’s always perpetuated.

    Instead I walked away. From him. From her. From all of it.

    It makes me feel stronger.

  10. “In my own heart I’ve bargained.” “I’m a fantasy escape programmed in his mind’s speed dial.”

    God. Sometimes from great pain comes great art, right? This is heartbreakingly, earthshatteringly beautiful.

    I second what Doubleb said: Big, brass ones. Great art also comes from bravery and honesty.

    I will now bow in submission.

  11. The best (and hardest) lesson I’ve ever learned in terms of love is that nobody — other woman or “main” woman — should ever settle for a portion of what they want all of. I’m so, so glad that you’re coming out the other end of this and I hope she does too. As you said, you both deserve better.

  12. you write how you are the other woman, he never dedicated himself to only you, he put a ring on her finger and not yours, you cut ties with him, he seeks you out and you let him back in. no matter what you write here about her, though it makes you feel better to vent, you have nothing to be proud of. please learn to treat yourself better. it is time.

  13. Dear “nother”,

    You clearly are acquainted with whom this post is directed since you mention a ring and at no point in my writing do I mention their engagement. I figured as much based on the smattering of anonymous and often hateful comments you seem compelled to post on my blog for over the past year.

    I wrote this post not to feel proud. Read it again and tell me where you see pride. I wrote it because I wanted to speak to this woman I have hurt in some way. Because I feel horrible and I carry my shame around with me. Because I do believe she deserves better, deserves honesty.

    I suppose you are not a fan of his either. Maybe you tell her to leave him. Maybe someday she will listen. Maybe someday both she and I will learn to treat ourselves better.

    You do not have to hide behind anonymous proxies and names. You spend enough time here that you might as well make yourself known. What are you afraid of?

    If you want to talk, you know how to find me. My email is on the damn blog!


  14. I agree. Is this really what you have let yourself become, some obsessed lurker that spends way too much time here sifting through all the posts? Perhaps it’s time for you to treat yourself better as well, because seriously, if you have really been doing this for a year, that’s just weird.

  15. What a powerful post. I can almost feel the energy eminating from you as you take your next step forward on your journey of growth. Good for you for walking away. I’ve been there, I know its not easy. Still you’ve made an excellent choice that will contribute to future happiness.

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  17. I am the sister of the person you wrote this blog to. I think the people who comment about how brave you are, are in fact delusional. You are nothing but a coward with intimacy and daddy issues. You know how to contact my sister, don’t act like you don’t. In fact you DID contact her before when she had her own blog and you followed her to that blog site and then set up your own “secret blog” there, so don’t act like you’re not a stalker, because you are. How else would you know how she looks? In fact you commented on her blog more than once as I recall. I read the comments. If you really wanted to come clean about N, why didn’t you do it then? If she told N that she has spoken with you, its not really a lie, is it? You tried to come off as friendly, but really, who did you think you were kidding. In fact, you did this when you were seeing the fella. I wonder how he would feel knowing that you were doing this behind his back. However, I’m sure you won’t post this comment so he will never find out.

    What you don’t know about my sister, which as you said could fill volumes, is she never deserved all this. She was a woman who believed in love and N. She uprooted her whole life and moved to a different city to be with him. She gave up a lucrative career to start a life with him, and for what? To see it all go up in smoke within a year?She is the victim here, NOT you! You’re a total sham. You spout all this nonsense on your blog about being a bigger and better person, but what have you really done to better yourself??? You still talk to N. You are a woman who has wronged another woman. A woman, who didn’t deserve to have her heart broken. I know that she and N have many issues not related to you, but let’s be honest, your willingness to be a part of his life, did not help matters.

    I wish she would leave him for good. I wish she stop talking to him. I wish he was never born because this year I got to see my sister’s dreams crumble around her. I saw her devastated. It is hard to watch your sister’s hopes for a future dissolve into nothingness. Do you think you’re the only ex that he stays in contact with and flirts with? Oh… he has many and my sister knows about them. He is the type of person that needs constant attention from other women so that he can feel good about himself because in reality his self loathing is off the charts. He also has intimacy and daddy issues, as I’m sure you know. I never liked him because I could see him for what he was.
    I wish he would move to Seattle so you two could live happily ever after. You two deserve eachother.
    You have my email, I’m not hiding. If you have something to say to me, say it. Just remember, you have a sister too, how would you feel if this had happened to her? If some woman had wronged her the way you have wronged A. It would be one thing if you had no idea that A existed and N never said anything about her. But you did know about her and carried on with this jerk behind her back. You post reeks of martyrdom, but you don’t fool me either. You are no martyr. You are a sorry excuse for a human being, as is N.

  18. One more thing, I’m an not “nother.” I don’t know who that is, but it is obvious someone else knows what a sham you are.

  19. Sister,

    I appreciate you commenting on my blog and I say that with sincerity. I completely understand your anger. I know you and A are close, very much like my own sister and I, and I would probably do the same thing to protect her or stand up for her. That’s what big sisters do. I did not post that to further hurt your sister. I could try to defend myself and convince you that I am not a “sorry excuse for a human being” but I realize that’s a futile endeavor. You only know me in this one context where I have participated in hurting your sister so I don’t expect you to believe me but I am saying it anyways because it’s what is true for me.

    I could go on and on explaining my side of the situation but I don’t think you really want to hear that. I will say that while I was dating the Fella, he knew that I talked to N as a friend, he knew the extent of my relationship with him, and he knew everything. I realize A never got that same treatment from N. That is not my fault. I can’t make him be honest. Believe me, I’ve tried! I’m like a broken record telling him things like- “if you’re going to be with her, love her the best you can” or “the very least of what she deserves is your honesty” or “if we’re just friends then there should be no problem with you telling her we talk.” There was an entire year where I did not speak to N after they got engaged. I changed my number. I moved. I ignored messages he sent. I figured that was the least I could do. But removing me from his life did not make him love her more or better.

    I have a blog so I can share my process. I put myself out there not to play some victim but to give voice my own experience and sometimes to what many people are going through. I AM a girl with daddy and intimacy issues- that’s what the majority of my blog is about. I am not looking for anyone’s sympathy or accolades about my bravery. I refuse to live my life as a walking apology. We all do fucked up shit and hurt each other- we’re human. But I am owning mine and working towards being better. I’m not a sham or a liar. I finally wrote something about this because I am done acting outside of my own integrity. I realize it does not begin to make up for what I’ve participated in but it’s a start. I can only own up to my part in this. N is the one in relationship with your sister. And A is the one who stays with him.

    I’ve never written directly to A except that one time on blip and the one comment I made, I meant. I’ve never dialogued with her outside of that. I’ve searched for a different side to the story N was feeding me because I never thought he was telling me the whole truth, just his version of it which as we both know has some serious blind sides.

    I do hope your sister finds the love she is worthy of with a man who is devoted her- and I hope that for myself- because like I said in my post, we do both deserve better. She’s lucky to have you on her side, sticking up for her.

    Thanks for listening,

  20. Wow. I wasn’t going to comment on this post Sizz, cause there’s a whole boatload of stuff I’d rather not share publicly. But I’ll just say this, Sister you also have Sizz’s email address, you could also have just sent her an email, no need to call her names in the comments. Yes, I know having a public blog opens one up to that, but remember N was the one that was in the relationship with your sister. He was the one who owed her his fidelity and honesty. Not Sizz. Everyone always wants to blame the other woman cause it is certainly easier than blaming the person you love. But that is bullshit. The one you love is the one who is supposed to love you back and not cheat. I highly doubt Sizz (whom I’ve never met and don’t know outside of the internet world) was running around town thinking “hey let me go find a guy with a fiancee and hit on him and convince him to cheat on her cause it sounds like a good time”. I’ve been cheated on myself in almost every relationship I’ve had, maybe that says there’s something I do to make my men cheat. But I know not to blame the other woman, yeah maybe she knows he has a gf/fiancee/wife and doesn’t care. But that doesn’t absolve him of being the one to seek out another woman. He is the one lying to that other woman about being single/having someone but being unhappy and promising to leave/finding her so much more compatible than his current partner. It’s him that should be blamed, and hopefully your sister has seen that and moved on from him. The other woman may have made a bad call engaging in a relationship/whatever you want to call it to make yourself (or your sister) feel better, but she is not a sorry excuse for a human being.
    Sad and sorry is a person who continues to stick by a man that is cheating on them, lying to them, and trying to convince herself that its not happening/will end/it’s the other woman’s fault. If it’s not that woman it will always be someone else, and really who wants to live with that in the back of their head all the time?

  21. wonderful post. Thought provoking to me because I have actually been on the other side. What do you call yourself, if you are not the Other woman? Just the woman? Anyway, yes, it’s easier to hate the Other Woman if you have any hope of staying with your man. You have to move past it. Hopefully to a healthier relationship. But, you don’t have to move past it with her. It’s a convenient place to place your anger. But there is nothing good or helpful in doing that, I know that for a fact. It eats away at your soul.

  22. Hey Sizz, just catching up on your blog. This was interesting. Not sure what I think about you posting something like this knowing that woman (or her sister) is going to read it. That being said, I do think it’s a good idea to forgive yourself and remove yourself entirely from N and A. Nothing good, as you know, will ever come out of N, and it’s A who has to really deal with him. Be glad you do not. I think you are the lucky one in this situation (you’re not stuck with him or devastated). Let this situation go and move on. I hope A is able to move on very soon in whatever way works best for her (with or without him). I hope her sister will continue to fiercely support her, as it is evident she has been doing all along.

  23. man, just man. i’m with Sitcomgirl. if sister has an issue, write you personally. who cares who is wrong or right? something like this needs to be settled privately not publicly since no one totally knows the whole and complete story but the people involved. and i’m not talking about sisters and the such but the triad. we can ALL weave a story for our benefit. and here? i don’t think you are being a martyr as i know what you speak of. you have never once acted like it and if anything, call yourself out. you don’t need anyone else to put the last nail in the coffin so to speak. especially a third party.

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