Welcome to Bare Your Soul Week here at Sizzle Says (apparently).
So The Fella and I are trying to be friends.
For those of you on Twitter, at this point you’re all, Yawn! Old News! But the entire world is not on Twitter (gasp!) so I thought I’d talk about it here. (Side note: It was amusing the first time The Fella and I exchanged tweets in the public forum because a bunch of people direct messaged me asking what the hell was going on and if we were back together. We are not back together.)
No, seriously. We are not back together.
After we broke up in March, some shit went down which I attempted to keep off my blog (and still will). Suffice it to say- feelings were hurt on both sides, it was not our finest hour, we’ve both been doing some heavy soul searching (and therapy) and have found ourselves in a mutually agreeable space where being friends feels like the right thing to do.
I was mad for a long time. The kind of mad that makes you clench your fists, throw things (not AT anyone, mind you) and ramble on and on to friends about the INJUSTICE and STUPIDITY and WHYWHYWHY. It was not fun. That is an understatement. (Sorry guys.)
But then one day, quite out of the blue, I woke up. Literally and figuratively. And I was no longer mad. It just so happened that within the next day The Fella happened to walk by my apartment building when I was glancing out the window and so I waved. And he? He totally saw me. And ignored me. Never one to sit quietly back and be overlooked, I promptly texted him. “I waved at you! Good morning!” He played dumb saying he *thought* he saw me and then later admitted that his heart was in his throat and he did not actually believe I would ever acknowledge his existence again so he pretended to not see me.
Oh the silly games we play.
Over the weeks we’ve been forging this friendship, we’ve hashed a lot of stuff out and are getting to know one another again in a new way. It has definitely had its rough spots. How often do we talk? Should we limit the frequency to which we hang out, text or email? How far in advance is practical for us to make plans without it seeming presumptuous? What if one of us starts dating someone else? Uh. . . let’s deal with that one later.
I know we’re both trying to be different. We’re trying to be stronger and kinder and more open- in general and with each other. Rebuilding trust is a very delicate thing. But both parties have to be willing to lay their egos on the table and say: Let’s do this together. There have been times where we have fought- tears streaming and words flailing in a cacophony of emotion- to come to a spent place where there is nothing left to do but breathe. And wait. And see what happens next.
“It’s okay to not wanna go/It’s okay if you’ve got to/It’s okay to be missing me/It’s okay not to/There are things that we can never give/There are things that we never can’t/As much to myself as to you/As much a list of questions as/A list of what to do/If no one believes it, it’s true/As much to myself as to you/To you” -As Much As Myself As To You, onelinedrawing