Took a Turn

So I had this really amazingly fun weekend . . . up until I didn’t.

It was going swimmingly. Friday night had me out with three of my closest Seattle pals- Putzy, Zain and Kaply. We went to the Central Cinema to see Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Yes. You read that right. It was hilariously awful in the best way possible. Think horror meets soft porn. Then we grabbed some eats at 611 Supreme (home of the yummy crepe), drinks and then later, more drinks at a gallery in Cap Hill. I ended up not going to bed until 3am.

Saturday my dear Kerrianne arrived and I made her watch Zach & Miri Make a Porno (didn’t realize until now that there would be two mentions of porn-related watching in one post, ooops, I’ve been outed!) before we gussied ourselves up for a night on the town with lovely bloggers like Alphamommy, Onenjen, Terrell and (formerly) LVGurl. It was a wicked good time full of laughs and drinks and more drinks and one Kenny Chesney lookalike who ended up hitting on me because I was the only single girl at the table. Yeah, no. What the hell was UP with King’s Hardware being overrun by douchebags? It was seriously like that Garfunkel & Oates song which is why Kerri and I kept singing it at our table while surrounded by dudes with backwards baseball caps and frat mentalities. At some point I lost count how many drinks I’d had so it’s a really good thing that Kerri was driving.

We met up with Kirida at Portage Bay Cafe for those *healthy* delicious pancakes (mmm good!). Kerri took off for further Seattle adventures and I ran some errands. Feeling accomplished and content, I made plans with Putzy and Zain to see a movie. As I was changing to head out, something happened. What happened you ask? I have no idea except that I spiraled into the dark abyss known as my fuckedupness.

I basically mentally slipped on a metaphoric banana. Maybe that’s not the right analogy but I mentally fell down and couldn’t get back up. Sometimes this happens to me and usually it occurs when something inside my head shifts and I can’t see myself clearly. Or maybe the opposite is happening and I am finally seeing myself clearly? I just know that I don’t like what I see and I can’t pull my head out of my ass to actually go function in society. This happens to me much less frequently than it did say six years ago but still, I have my moments. I hate these moments. It’s like the broken record of negative thoughts starts playing and I can’t figure out how to turn it off. So instead I bail on plans, take to my bed with my cats and cry about how I am fucked up and then fall asleep. Lame with a capital L. Sincerely.

I’m still trying to climb out of it two days later. You’d think with so much practice I’d be better at it.

“A character defect is just a survival skill that is no longer working.” -My very wise friend, Kaply who listens to my bullshit ad nauseum.


32 thoughts on “Took a Turn

  1. *big warm hugs* …Sizzle, you know how much i understand …know also that you do not have to face the darkness alone …i may not be the peepiest of people, but i am a funny to look at …that should help you smile a little

  2. This happens to me still more often than I’d like. I had a sizeable Post-BlogHer crash this year. Sometimes it means I need the down time after times like you describe where I’ve been surrounded with a bunch of friends and activity, or where I’ve just been going to fast or working too hard physically or emotionally or both. Other times it is just my daily wacked out ebb and flow.

    Take care of yourself.

  3. I was in that place about a week ago. I made it through my day at school — barely — then went home and had a massive breakdown. I seriously couldn’t get a grip, so I took a nap.

  4. Oh, my dear Sizz, how I want to be there to give you a hug. To tell you how great you look in any outfit (because, girrrrrl, you do know how to dress well!) and/or to just jump in bed with you to watch movies and to offer you a shoulder to cry on (no porn in that comment, I promise!). We have good days and some bad ones, too. So long as we learn something from the bad days, the good days outnumber the bad ones and continue our forward progression, then I think it’s alright to take a step back every once in a while. I’ll still love ya for it.

  5. That sounds like my Sunday…I only have one cat though. I ran a couple of errands, came home and crawled right back into bed. Stayed there all day. There must be something in the air because it looks like we are not the only ones. Hope you’re feeling better soon. Big Hugs…

  6. we all have those days…you are just lucky to be able to recognize what it’s about…or not…or to recognize that its’ just something that happens. it will be o.k. and obviously, will pass. it is something in the air…i’m in a funk too

  7. Wait, this happens to other people, too? Man, I took a turn for fuckeduppedness early Saturday and almost bailed on dinner. SO GLAD I didn’t because I had a really good time with you lovely ladies. As soon as I got to belly-laughing in Andrea’s living room (seriously, your stories are even funnier when told in person), I was cured. So, thank you for that.

    Also, I kinda hope you run into Kenny Chesney again. Doesn’t he live in your neighborhood??? 🙂

  8. I’ll add my voice to the “Me, too!” chorus. See? It happens to the best of us. 😉

    I will resist my advice-giving sickness and simply say that I’m thinking about you, and I hope you can turn your mood around.

  9. Maybe it’s not a coincidence that you were sad after I left. Next time I’ll just stay. Never-ending sleepovers, FTW! ; )

    (You know I’m kidding. Also: I love! you. Also: I hope you’re feeling better and brighter. Also: I had SO! much fun last weekend. Also: We should have asked Kenny Chesney to sing a song for us.)

  10. Horror meets soft porn pretty much describes both the horror and porn selections in Japanese culture. I recommend the Entrails movies (Entrails of a Virgin and Entrails of a Beautiful Woman) if you appreciate those type of offerings.

  11. I was just commenting on this the other day. We all (to one degree or another) have these moments. It’s good & healthy even to stop, acknowledge it & then, most importantly Move On. You, the Real You are not your emotions! Even the Clearest-eyed person doesn’t fully understand themselves. Ask your Therapist, if you wish. You can stay in that state as long as you’d like to, but it doesn’t mean that you have to live there. Don’t “Wall” it off either, just acknowledge it, perhaps write some of it down, if you can and Move on.

    You will only Grow as you learn that Everything is Change. What you wanted at 17 isn’t what you want at 25, 30 40 or 50 As you take the Good with the Bad and develop, that is the Growth part. Look at all the folks who know and Love you; Are they all Wrong? Probably not. Hell, I only know you from short messages posted on the Internet & I don’t believe that you are Deranged, so you shouldn’t believe it of yourself either. Besides, who’d want to be the Poster Child for Normalicy anyway? Much better & happier to be Comfortable in your own skin! Take my Advice-I’m not using it!

  12. we’re all allowed to have those days where we just wallow in it all. i think a funk was going around last week. thinking of you lady, and hoping you’re seeing your way to brighter days soon.

  13. It’s weird how sometimes the lows creep up right in the middle of the highs. I’ll never understand that. But like all the ladies above attest, we’ve all been there, I think. It stinks and I hope you’re able to climb out all the way soon. The Xanadu soundtrack always helps me, maybe give it a try. Or heck – watch the whole movie. 🙂

  14. I have a very good friend who has suffered from anxiety/depression in the past. She has it mostly under control – but if she does have a lapse it is generally when she is hungover. She has noticed that pattern (not that every time she is hungover it happens, but it only happens now when she is hungover.) Do you think this could be a trigger for you too?

  15. I’m sorry to hear of your negative dialogue and vegging out my yourself. I do that, I mean, in my head too and mostly do do with weight and other things. I used to not want to meet new people and withdraw more. But, one day I said f@ck that and have put myself out there more. Life is just too damn short, isn’t it? That being said, I have had bouts of depression and is this some of what you go through to? I never did get treated for it and I usually can deal with things ok. I know some friends that are on the uppers or what I mean is anti-depressants but I never tried that route though it seems to help them a lot.
    I prob. not helping much by talking about myself but want to tell you that we care out here in blogland and are thinking about ya!!!

  16. Maybe that’s your body’s way of saying it needs a break? I kind of know what you mean, though, only I think mine affects me for that one night and often b/c I’m either tired overall or sometimes tired of the company (esp. if it’s a couple of Ted’s freinds). I just suddenly start shutting down and no longer want to socialize and then I feel bad after the fact b/c I know I’m so obvious.

  17. Please remember that half a good weekend for you is ten times better than a whole year for me. (And I mean that with respect to your awesome party life with your friends, not the part about the cats in bed with you! I simply have no social life. Maybe it’s because I’m a grandpa.)

  18. Oh man I know how that one goes! I’m sorry that happened to you especially since you were having such an awesome weekend. You’ll pull out of it…and the fact that you recognize old behavior is a very good sign!

  19. I don’t want to say the same old “feeling the same way” line which will in no way help so I will just say that you’re not alone. And when a friend told me that, with no extras, no woe-is-me on top, I was so touched and it made me feel a little better to know I wasn’t alone. So I just wanted to pass on that feeling to you: you are not alone in feeling this way.

  20. I need a lot of down time. Like a stupidly huge amount of downtime. If i don’t get it I fall into a bit of a spiral…

    Sometimes all you can do, is crawl into bed and start over…
    Hope it passes… hope there is hope once more.

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