We don’t let go into trust until we’ve exhausted our egos. – Rob Lehman
My ego is being bossy again.
I suppose that’s its job but it really is annoying. When my ego is in charge, situations that have nothing to do with me suddenly get personalized. I pout, manipulate and scheme. I spend too much brain energy on crap that is none of my business. I compare, contrast and come up empty.
This is no good.
I’ve been struggling with trust too- particularly where men are concerned. This is not a new battle but it feels different and scary. I think about dating and then stop myself saying “You are not ready.” Are we ever “ready”? If I wait until I am ready will I be dead? And yet the thought of putting myself out there makes me want to take to my bed. (Alone.) Makes me want to QUICK come up with another dream that doesn’t involve living happily ever after with someone though that’s the universal truth we’re all supposed to chase. What if I never find love again? What if no one ever wants a forever with me? What if I can’t do it- be a girlfriend or a wife or someone’s mom? Miniscule doubts, under the magnifier of my mind, loom large.
What if I am never enough?
Worse: What if I never believe I am enough?
I’m self-aware enough to realize the real issue here. My belief in myself, while a thousand times better than it was ten years ago, is not where I would like it to be. I’m an overachiever and a perfectionist but regardless of my high standards, I am not where I want to be when it comes to self-confidence. This is not a newsflash. Frankly, I’m rather tired of thinking about it. Yesterday, while chatting with Kaply, she said: You can’t think your way into right action, you have to act your way into right thinking.
And while I agree with her, I feel stuck.
It’s hard to act different when your mind is playing tricks on you. It’s like I need to put parts of myself in a time out in the corner so I can make some progress. I’ve spent most of my life trying to control uncontrollable situations. You’d think by now I’d give up that worthless fight.
So yeah- trust, ego, self-worth- same story, different day.