Lately, I’ve been looking outside myself for validation a bit too often than feels comfortable.
While it is natural to want people to like you or think you’re cool or awesome or made of win, you have to believe in yourself first and foremost. I am not telling you anything you don’t already know. Maybe you know it but don’t put it into practice. I suffer from the same affliction, my friend.
I’ve also been thinking about dating. (See my first sentence.) I do not think I am ready to date. The idea ignites panic inside me. But I put up an ad on a dating site then proceeded to not pay to actually use the site rendering it basically useless. I keep getting emails alerting me to so-and-so who has emailed me or favorited me or whatnot but I can’t bring myself to pay the fee to find a date. Fear or logic? You be the judge.
I’ve noticed myself withholding my natural niceness towards certain people because internally I don’t feel like they “deserve” it. Though they have no idea they’ve done something to wrong me. Wrong being entirely relative to my own neurosis and subject to change with the wind. I’ve found myself actively ignoring people but it totally backfires because they don’t even NOTICE that I am ignoring them. Like I turn my phone on silent and no one calls. Ha. Brilliant. Way to show ’em! How’s that passive aggressive tendency working for you, Sizz?
I talk a lot here about trying to be different. And I AM slowly shifting my way of being but it’s soooo slow. I am impatient. I want it yesterday. I read a line in a post that Abby shared out yesterday that totally struck me. It said: “What if we all chose to stop waiting for things to happen, and woke up to the fact that something is always happening, right now?” (Becca Faith Yoga)
Holy crap. YES! That’s it! I am not IN my life. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to manipulate the time space continuum that I’ve completely lost sight of the here and the now.
I am six months away from turning 37. I do not own a home. I am no one’s wife or partner. I have no children. I am just now learning to truly love myself. Depending on how you look at this list, I am a failure or I am a success. Who is to say? Only me.
I have been future tripping and it has been, well, tripping me up. Sometimes it feels like time is racing forward. Every day I feel this pressure to go here, get this, do that right this instant, reply to so and so, finish that project, figure out the meaning of life, land the love of my life and somewhere under all the pressure actually enjoy life. How? How in the hell can we honestly enjoy the rushing and the pressures and the go, go, go? No wonder so many of us are cranky. The truth is- I thought I would have a lot of the accomplishments on my adult to do list checked off by this age. I am trying to make my peace with that and still feel good about this life. This life right now. In this moment. This is good. I am okay. What is my hurry?
“Oh how I wish I were a trinity/So if I lost a part of me/I’d still have two of the same to live/But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal/As specks of dust were universal…” – Love’s Recovery, Indigo Girls