In my last session with my therapist she said, “Those are just feelings; it is not an emergency.”
So now not only are feelings not facts (thanks, Kaply) but they are also not an emergency. Hrmph. This is. . . weird. I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around these new concepts. Do you mean other people are existing in the world and not letting their emotions rule their lives? Who are these people? I’ll tell you who they are: They are robots. Plain and simple.
Okay so obviously I’m joking. I have to joke or else I will lose my everlovingmind. This week is slamming me with opportunities for personal growth. The kind where I make hard decisions to stand up for myself, to look deep into what it is I believe I deserve and then. . . use my own voice to speak up about it. Does telling people what you want come easily to you? Because for all my opinions and pockets of confidence, when it comes to love I have the hardest time telling someone what I want and need. I could say something derogatory about how it’s no wonder I am single but that’s not very nice. And I need to be nice to myself. Why is it so difficult?
I am having trouble with the deserving part of all this. There is this story I have told myself for years and years. It’s about a girl who gives and gives and gives and people like her so she keeps giving because clearly that’s the measure of her worth. She gives outwardly but not inwardly. She only knows herself as a giver and to stay in her comfort zone, she continually seeks out receivers. She gives so much that one day she comes up empty because no one taught her how to replenish that which she gave away.
I do not like this story.
So I am writing a new one.
I know that it is incredibly freeing to speak up about what you are feeling. To give voice to what you hold deep inside you. I think many people live their entire lives pushing emotions down or away and then wonder why they are unhappy or unfulfilled. I will not be one of those people.
“We don’t say everything that we could/So that we can say later/Oh, you misunderstood/I hold my cards up/Close to my chest/I say what I have to/And I hold back the rest/Cause someone you don’t know/Is someone you don’t know/Get a firm grip, girl/Before you let go/For every hand extended/Another lies in wait/Keep your eye on that one/Anticipate/If there’s anything I’ve learned/All these years on my own/It’s how to find my own way there/And how to find my own way back home…” -Anticipate, Ani DiFranco