The thing about dating is I have to constantly reaffirm what I want to myself.
It’s easy to get sidetracked by something shiny. Oh he’s attracted to me! Oh he contacts me daily to hang out! Oh. . . but hanging out means going over to his place to be naked in bed. That? That’s not what I want. I mean I WANT that eventually but not as the main criteria for a “relationship.” I am not looking for a fuck buddy. Anyone can find a hook up. I want something deeper. I want something special.
I want to find My Person.
Maybe this makes me sound like a prude? I’m not. I’m just too tired and too old for the game playing, too disinterested in empty sex and hollow flirtations. I want to be wowed and I’m willing to wait for it. You see, I get to make a choice. Over and over. I am in charge of this to a certain degree. I firmly believe we teach people how to treat us. If I don’t want to be a piece of ass to some guy, then I don’t have to. The external validation can’t drive me. It’s what I’m seeking inside that counts here. I have to trust my gut. I have to trust myself. And I have to be patient.
You can’t force a person to be Your Person. I see myself and friends trying to calculate and negotiate a perfectly nice person into Their Person. It just doesn’t happen that way. Not in the way that lasts. If you have to engage in multiple processing conversations about what you are going to be or not be after two dates? There’s something not clicking there. If you can’t find time or inclination to get together? Then that’s telling you something. If you like them well enough but not enough to get excited about them? Then maybe you’re not all that interested. You can’t fake this stuff. You have to be real. You have to be honest. You have to try but know when to walk away.
That’s the part I’m learning- the walking away part. There’s no shame in it. There should be no regret. I do not ever want to be that person that someone settles for, that someone says is “good enough” or that someone stays with because they are too afraid of not finding anyone better. I want to be someone’s WOW, someone’s Person.
And I will be.
“And whatever happened to a boyfriend/The kind of guy who tries to win you over?/And whatever happened to a boyfriend/The kind of guy who makes love ’cause he’s in it/And I want a boyfriend/I want a boyfriend/I want all that boring old shit like letters and sodas/Letters and sodas. . .” -Fuck & Run, Liz Phair