Up Date

So I went on a date.

We were all set to meet up at a cozy little bar around 9pm on Friday. I was feeling excited. I was ready to bring the flirt. Then I got a message late in the afternoon from him saying that the weather (freezing rain) and some other stuff had thrown a wrench into his day and he hoped we could reschedule for Sunday. It probablyย  helps to know that he rides a motorcycle and on that day he’d ridden it into work. He was in a bit of a panic about how he was going to get home safely because leaving his bike in the parking garage overnight was not an option. Since I was in the middle of a radiothon fundraiser for work, I texted him saying I understood.

I felt like someone had let the air out of my balloon. I did understand. But that doesn’t mean it felt good.

We texted back and forth a bit. I offered to come out to where he lived if transportation was an issue. But even in doing that I felt like I was diminishing myself some. I mean, I’ve read “He’s Just Not That Into You” (and seen the movie). It’s not rocket science; it’s dating etiquette. If someone wants to see you, he’ll make it happen. Without any cajoling or overt negotiation. How many times am I going to put myself out there only to not be met half-way? This is a behavior pattern I’m trying to stop.

After the radiothon was over a bunch of my coworkers went out for some nosh and libations. My coworkers are also my friends so they knew I had a date that night and the fact that I was sitting there with them instead of off at home gussying myself up was a topic of conversation. You get eight women together and you’re going to have some serious dissection of motivations and feelings. The majority of these friends are partnered up- either married or in long term relationships- so it was up to me and one other girl to explain how exhausting dating is. It’s not an easy thing in Seattle. Maybe it’s difficult everywhere but here people tend to be cliqueish and friendly but flaky. It seems like Seattleites give good talk but bad follow through. It’s insanely frustrating. And after the third, fifth, tenth time you’ve told your life story replete with amusing anecdotes and asides, you’re feeling pretty burnt. It’s hard to keep on shining.

At the beginning of our conversation my friends were saying to blow this guy off. That if he couldn’t follow through on a date and used the weather as an excuse he was not worth the effort. It was a red flag. But by the end of our conversation I think the partnered friends got a glimpse of how challenging it is to meet someone you can be genuinely interested in and they were encouraging me to give him another chance. I started to feel emotional like the weight of my age and circumstance was so glaringly obvious. . . I felt an intense loneliness wash over me and I just had to leave the restaurant.

I went home, texted the guy saying I was not up for meeting up in his neck of the woods (he lives about 20+ minutes outside of Seattle) and that I was a bit deflated by the day’s turn of events. He apologized for “screwing up” and said I could call him if I wanted to talk. While I didn’t think his choice of not meeting up was entirely about me, it still intimated that he wasn’t that into me. And that is a hard pill to swallow. It’s not like I was ga ga over him but the momentum you build when emailing and chatting can really lose steam if you don’t roll with it.

I let myself think about it for a day and then I agreed to meet up with him Sunday. I wouldn’t say I went begrudgingly but the initial giddy pre-date feeling had definitely worn off. We met, had a couple drinks and talked for three hours. It was a perfectly lovely evening. He is genuine and nice. And he did not flirt with me. NOT ONCE. There were no compliments, no inadvertent touches while sitting close on a couch together, no teasing innuendos. Nothing. And while those aren’t required on a first date you’d think I’d be able to get some sense of his interest level. Much like when we emailed back and forth, the conversation flowed easily and we shared some laughs but there was never any flirting. Not in email. Not on the phone. Not in person. At the end he said he’d like to hang out again when he gets back from a trip home. He handed over some cds of music he’d burned for me, walked me to my car, hugged me good-bye and that was it.

Shrug.

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43 thoughts on “Up Date

  1. Sounds like this will not turn out to be a Great Passionate Love Affair. And that’s OK. I still think it’s good you went. Good for you for taking the time and making the effort.

  2. Dude, I flirted hardcore with my now-husband for more than a month before he finally got the hint and made a move. We’ve been inseperable since then, so I’m a big proponent of the slow start. Also, some men are truly clueless.

  3. I agree it sounds like a nice date. I think that dating during the holiday season is a special kind of torture. There seems to be added stress to an already stressful time of year.

  4. Maybe he is having a hard time dating and all of his women friends coached him on being nice and not too “anything” one way or the other. I hope you don’t blow it off yet, unless you didn’t feel anything. I agree about the stress of dating during the holiday season – gifts, no gifts, families, ugh.

  5. Those quiet guys are the ones to watch out for. He was probably shy and being polite.

    Not every one can lasso that Sizzle power you’ve got on a first date.

    ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. If he’s already making you mixed tapes, maybe don’t give up just yet. I think at least a second date is in order. If the second date is a no-go or a dud and still no chemistry or flirting, then it’s ok to walk away.

    Some people are just slower to make moves.

  7. i think it’s good to get dating “practice” in, to the point where going out on a date is not that big of a deal. of course that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t get excited about it, but it may temper expectations.

    dating in nyc was much tougher after i turned 35. suddenly only 50 year olds were contacting me. but that may have been because i was out of the default age range of 18-34.

  8. I love how we are all ready to defend the poor guy. I was going to say maybe he felt that you were just not into the date.

    Perhaps he will become a great friend.

    Dating sucks. And you are definitely right about Seattle people. It sucks, and then you join them. Which is ok, if you are an introvert, probably really sucks if you are an extrovert.

  9. I have to say that I have had PLENTY of first dates (I’ve done online dating), and more than plenty of let-downs, stood-me-ups, and just jerks. It’s hard. Some guys don’t flirt on the first date… I mean, with J., my current squeeze (and the best boyfriend I’ve *ever* had–and I’m in my 30s), he didn’t flirt with me on our first date. AND, he ditched me via e-mail after e-mailing with me for a couple of weeks. Then, he called 5 weeks later, thinking I’d say no to a date. In fact, on our first date, I didn’t think I would hear from him again (coffee on a Sat afternoon). But, I get where you’re coming from. I’ve felt the *shrug*. Remember: Flirting and dating is hard for men AND women, especially when you’ve both been doing it a while and/or have had negatron experiences with dating/relationships. The question begs: Did he ask to see you again? I mean, three hours is a pretty hearty first date, girl!

  10. I hurt for you. I really, really hurt for you. Because I’ve been there. Dating is like a bell curve. Usually, there are very few dates that absolutely bomb out at the bottom. And very few dates that blow you away. Most dates fall into this “eh” category. Perfectly nice people. Maybe it could turn into something. Maybe not. But, you do wind up shrugging at the end of it. And to put so much effort into dating for 90% of your dates to wind up in a shrug … well, I know and clearly remember how fucking tiring it gets.

    The only (not very sage) advice I have for you is keep your chin up. If you like the guy enough to get together again, do it. If not, don’t sweat it. Go find that next guy. He’s out there for you, Sizz. In my heart, I believe it.

  11. Dating is hard and anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Just trust your gut with this guy and any others. Trust that you will know what to do. If you feel like going with him again, then do so. If not, then don’t. Do keep in mind though that not all guys are outwardly flirtatious. Some will not do anything but be polite and give off that “friend” vibe.

  12. I’ve had MANY dates exactly like that!! They ALWAYS end up the same way. We eventually stop calling. It just always fizzles out. Next! It is so very hard to meet someone that you connect with and it’s mutual. So very hard.

  13. That’s what I thought about Patrick, and now we’re getting married. Be patient. Quiet ones surprise you. I honestly thought that Patrick wasn’t interested in more than friendship, and it turned out he had major feelings for me, but he was trying to be respectful and is very traditional.

  14. Seriously? Boys are just stupid. A) Who drives a motorcycle to work when you live in an area that gets inclement weather in the blink of an eye? B) Who drives a motorcycle to work when you live in an area that gets inclement weather in the blink of an eye on the same day that you have an after work date?

    I think that maybe, if he asks you, you should go out again–not because you want to keep dating the guy but because the conversation was good and you managed to spend three hours together without your getting bored. If some flirting springs up then yay! If not then at least you know there’s a guy out there who gives good conversation ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. What an interesting date. Do you think you would be interested in seeing him again? I am surprised he was not flirty.

    I am so annoyed with flakey people. I have a super flakey friend and THAT drives me nuts. I cannot imagine if I was trying to date and everyone was like that.

    Hey, at least you got out there ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. I can go along with Jessie – us guys can be clueless re flirting. I know I was – if my now wife hadn’t eventually grabbed my paw and said “look, are you going to kiss me or not?” it might have never changed.

    I’d say wait and see if he does get back in touch. That is generally a sign of interest.

  17. Eh, he could be bad about flirting as others have said, but that in addition to the flakiness… even if he’s really into you, his communication skills seem sub-par from what you’ve said. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on and don’t get too down about it.

  18. I am leaning toward the “guys don’t get it” thing. I think some guys just don’t really get how to flirt. I know I am lacking in that area. It sounds like you are comfortable with him, and he seems the same with you. I say if you like him, what’s the harm in having another date or two and seeing what happens?

  19. “Maybe itโ€™s difficult everywhere but here people tend to be cliqueish and friendly but flaky. It seems like Seattleites give good talk but bad follow through.”

    I’ve encountered that so often most everywhere I’ve lived that I started to think I was the outlier, that I was expecting too much. In the past I often took people’s flakiness personally and attributed/created internal drama for myself because of it. Nothing like getting upset with people who are oblivious that their actions caused it. Subsequently, I pulled way back. My hermit lifestyle is not ideal but it is far less stressful.

    Still, I admire you for putting yourself out there. As for this guy, maybe don’t rule him out but don’t stop looking for alternatives either.

  20. My advice is not to analyze your dates so much. He rescheduled and he even gave you a gift. That’s great!

    I did match.com for a year – I probably averaged 1 or 2 dates a week. I met all sorts of guys, from super nice to super big weirdos. I had many funny stories, that’s for sure! I kept going out on dates, but I quit “trying” after a while. In other words, I guess I was disappointed so many times that I quit getting excited. I even quit getting ready for dates (once I went directly from working in my yard to running off to meet someone for coffee – I did not bother to fix my hair or change my clothes. No matter, we still went out on three more dates). My advice is don’t expect much, always have fun, look forward to the hysterical stories you’ll have to tell, and always get coffee because it’s not much of a time commitment (if you don’t like him, you can exit pretty fast).

    Lastly, don’t give up. I did meet the right guy after doing this dating thing for a year. We got married and I can’t imagine my life without him. My year of match dating was a challenge, but more than worth it in the end.

  21. sounds like my first few dates with E
    HA!

    i’m sorry, i truly know how much it sucks
    i wish i could wave a magic wand…

    (i wonder if portland has a better dating pool?) :>)

    xo
    j

  22. I say give it a chance–maybe he just doesn’t know how to flirt. My Honey never flirted with me, not because he wasn’t interested but because he was so convinced no woman would ever find him attractive that he had never cultivated the skills required for flirting. As long as you find each other interesting and have something to talk about I think it’s worth spending the time getting know each other.

    Also, his lack of flirting might point to his respectful nature and a complete lack of douchiness. Wouldn’t that be nice?

  23. I know I’m in the minority here, but I think this guy is totally gay. I suggest that next time he wants to go for coffee, suggest that he get a venti cup of “go fuck yourself.” I’ve seen your rack, it’s colossal, it’s heroic, it’s difficult not to stare at them. If he wasn’t, he’s totally a pickle smoocher.

  24. I would totally go out with him again as long as you weren’t bored. If you think he would be a good friend, someone you would at least enjoy spending another 3 hours talking to, then it may just be worth it to connect to somebody new. I like the idea of practice dating! I found that if dating is hard, first dates are harder. There is all this unknown and managing of expectations (your own and the other person’s) and ehhh? They often aren’t the best interaction. But no sweat if you don’t want to go out with him again.
    But I totally feel you on the date cancel/switch up. Always so disappointing.
    Way to go on a date though!

  25. Dude, HW did not flirt ONE IOTA on our first date. I couldn’t figure it out! Even later, I figured that we were just “hanging out.” He figured it out by the third date that he needed to make a more obvious move, but it was excruciating at first.

  26. I used to live in Seattle and I totally get what you mean about everyone there. But it’s kind of like that in LA too. Guys just don’t make much of an effort. Not sure why. And I kind of feel the way you do, that it’s time I start NOT being SO accommodating. I think you just kind of “know” when someone is really interested in you…even if that means waiting awhile. sigh….

  27. Shew Sizzle, reminds me of the HUNDREDS of emails and cups of coffee I went through … only to find my man after he’d stolen my coffee mug. Turned out we were both on dating sites, but sitting on opposite ends of the same floor at the office. Just when you think it can’t get any worse and lose all faith in finding someone, they seem to appear out of the darndest places.

    Have fun all the same … never know, maybe this dude is just not the flirty type, but he could be perfect. Sometimes we need to change our perspective ๐Ÿ™‚

    BTW – living with a biker, it’s hell when it’s raining and very unsafe to travel … we’ve been having major storms here and it’s a daily worry when G-man needs to travel to or from work.

  28. Sorry, sis. I was holding out hope it would be better.

    Having met you, I would totally flirt with you. Even if you are my blogsis and it is e-cestuous and whatnot. But I know you’d totally flirt back. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  29. Found you through Angella’s blog just wanted to give you some ((hugs))) and say that this is why I am glad that I really never had the chance to date. Not the whole cancelling the date or even the lack of flirting. But landing a great guy in which you click with just doesn’t sound too easy or fun (the whole dating process) to me.

  30. I am so sorry. I can’t understand how someone could be around you and NOT be into you so really it is his loss. You are an amazing person and if he isn’t into you I have no idea who he could possibly want. You are so much fun to be around, your smile is contagious, you just make me happy. I can imagine how sucky dating must be and I am sorry there is nothing I can do to make it better for you. I would if I could!

  31. You write so well. I felt like I was *in* the date with you!

    You know, my husband didn’t even *hug* me after our first date. He squeezed my hand as he walked away.

    Seriously.

    It was date three when he turned up the flirt a little. Maybe give Up Date another chance?

  32. Yeah as a socially shy guy I think he might just be clueless. My wife had to attack me when she finally got sick of waiting for me to make the big move. After that I loosened up and we did it everywhere. Anyway.. not everyone is as easy and outgoing.. perhaps that makes it a bad fit with you.. but maybe he just needs to get more comfortable.

  33. Personally, I won’t drive in freezing rain at all so I get it. But the no flirting thing is not so good in my book. You’d hope there would be a few sparks… alas.

    (I have honestly no clue how I would handle being single again. I think it’s harsh no matter where you are.)

  34. I got canceled on twice in three days by the same guy. I could have tried to make it happen the next week, but the whole mood is soured at that point. The next guy broke up with me by text, the third via email. Um, we’re now up caught up on my dating history. The point is, dating is kind of rough. What helps me is looking at it as every dud and disappointment just gets you closer to your next relationship. So hooray for guys who dump you via text!

  35. Do you really want to see him again? That’s the question. I think there are men that are afraid of accepting that they will be accepted. I think we always know whether to continue or not. You know what you want, clever girl. There is no right or wrong.

    xoxo,
    K

  36. He’s gay and doesn’t know it yet. That’s the only explanation. I went on a few dates with a guy a couple years ago and he was strangely lukewarm…and then we kissed and he wouldn’t kiss with tongue. I told a gay friend of mine and he was all, “Oh sweetheart, the guy was absolutely queer.”

    Dating totally sucks ass. I remember enjoying it at various points – but you’re right: it’s exhausting. And it does feel like you’re reciting a script half the time.

    Hang in there. You are such a catch and I know you’re going to meet someone amazing, probably sooner than you think.

  37. Wow. Do I ever understand or what? Seattle is a ghost town/graveyard when it comes to dating. I seriously thought I was single for life while living there. And I didn’t really mind. No one dated. To get in on a date or an actual boyfriend or girlfriend was RARE. And I have a huge group of friends, mind you. We were all single for life. Those of us who actually found someone…well, we moved and immediately ended up with amazing significant others. It is the Seattle way. If I still lived there, I know I would be single. And you know the funny thing? I would like it. I really enjoyed being single and I still consider myself THE SINGLE GIRL. I know you don’t feel the same, but I loved being footloose and fancy free. The whole thing fit my persona perfectly. Good luck to you. It is a really rough field there. When I move back, I have some AMAZING friends you may be interested in meeting.

  38. Ugh. Can I just tell you that right now, I hate, hate HATE dating?
    And my god, the books and articles don’t help. I swear they all beat the woman down for being too this and too that (especially, god forbid, if you are being HONEST or, I dunno, YOURSELF) but I’ve yet to see one single book giving advice to guys on how not to be an asshole.
    As I’ve been communicating with my Person of Interest, I re-read every email I send him like 100x over before I send it, and then I still manage to find a stupid “mistake” that I made. You know, we’re all just humans doing the best we can to meet someone. And I still think when you’re an independent female, it can make things that much more complicated.
    So, I don’t have any words of wisdom except that it is entirely possible my date on Thursday will be a dud and somehow we just move on.

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