Assert

Apologies for my first-ever password protected post yesterday. I had some heavy stuff that I needed to vent about but it wasn’t stuff that I felt comfortable having out there for just anyone to find. And by “anyone” I mean anyone associated with work. If you want the password, just email me! I felt a lot better, as I always do, after writing about it. It didn’t make the issues disappear but it helped me sort out how to tackle them. I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice.

I think part of my frustration was that I was swallowing a big part of my personality. I am an assertive person. Hell, I TAUGHT assertiveness for years to women and girls. But sometimes I lose my footing and second guess myself. I know that I can be an over-sharer. That I can often be inappropriate. That maybe I am too open. I think I’m pretty hyper-aware of my limitations and faults but I’ve been working on not letting them define me. Because we’re all imperfect. I just refuse to wallow in it.

So yesterday after venting I finally grabbed my confidence by the proverbial reins and spoke up on my own behalf and guess what? It was good! Sure I was a bit scared and maybe my voice wavered but I didn’t go  off half-cocked nor did I lie down like a door mat. And afterwards? I felt so much better. The problem is not fixed but it’s being faced.

Have you ever noticed how that is often the biggest hurdle? Facing the problem.Most of the time we  create these awful scenarios where a confrontation would inevitably blow up if we said or did anything to stand up for ourselves. In our minds the idea of it paralyzes us when really we just need to tell the fear to STFU and do what we’re afraid to do. 9 times out of 10 it will not even come close to the horror we fear it will be. I am reminded of this every time I speak up for myself. I encourage you to do it too. Liberate yourself from imagined fear!

Is there something you’re avoiding dealing with? Are you imagining the worst that could happen and letting it silence you?

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25 thoughts on “Assert

  1. “Are you imagining the worst that could happen and letting it silence you?”

    Oh, absolutely. I tend to do this a lot, heh. I’ll give advice to others on the virtues of being open and honest, but I’ll still remain a tiny little clam myself. It’s definitely something I need to work on.

  2. Oh I do that all the time… silence myself because of what my head has turned and turned and turned making it not so nice. And when you do deal, as you found out, it’s NEVER what you expected.

    Glad you spoke up. YEAH YOU!

  3. there’s a lot of things i’m not currently dealing with — it doesn’t always feel bad, though. sometimes it feels protective and necessary because if i sit under the enormity of all the issues, it can paralyze.

    nonetheless, and even tho i didn’t read your post yesterday, i am happy you are feeling better today. you’re a good lady. 🙂

  4. I admire you for being able to be assertive. I suck at it. I tend to be the forever peace maker, almost always keeping silent about my feelings or needs. I’ve been upset all week over an issue with a friend’s conduct earlier this week, it came to a head last night and I blew up. Very tired of asshat male behaviors and excusing them for it. Freaking, eh, my feelings should matter. I’m going to be 40 this year and I’m done putting everybody else first. I should be allowed to be first. Sometimes. Occasionally? Well, I confronted him, which is very unusual for me. He came back at me, even got belligerent, but I didn’t give up my stance. It did feel good to express my feelings. I’m proud I held my ground and didn’t try to smooth things out, but I am uncomfortable this morning. Feel like I should have better resolution, though we don’t and will never agree on the subject. Which is fine, just an unsettling feeling for me. Part of me wants to email something to make it all better, but the other part knows that’s not the right thing to do. Ugh. I’m so not good at this. Which is why I like my dogs.

  5. you’re so right. sometimes the anticipation of all the “what if” scenarios are far worse than it actually turns out to be. im glad you addressed what you needed to and moreover, that you feel better!

  6. Is this something I deal with? Oh, no. Heavens, NO! Except yes, often. Just this week, in fact.
    I’m glad you dealt with your situation in the way you did and stayed true to yourself. That can be a very big stress reliever, no?

  7. Just ONE thing I’m avoiding dealing with?? Ha! I’d say the #1 thing I need to face is my health. In a nutshell, I have a condition that I’ve been treating for almost a decade. For a while I felt almost 90% back to normal, so I stopped taking care of it. Now I’m feeling about 60% and need to deal, but I have to fire my current doctor and get a new one if I ever want to get better. I cannot seem to do this. So frustrating because I know what needs to be done, but I’m 1) in denial that I need help and 2) wishing it will just go away.

    Ridiculous.

  8. My mind is pretty good at imagining the worst possible scenario…and then I believe that that’s the only way it’ll go down. I am working on being more assertive – which is totally out of my comfort zone – but I think that you are more respected when you stand up for yourself!

  9. I’m glad you’re not permantly password protected. I was thinking what a bummer another blog I don’t get to read anymore. I’m glad you were here today.

  10. I am so glad that you got it out of your system by writing about what you needed to and talking it out.

    It takes time to develop assertiveness because you have to be in a proper frame of mind to do it.

  11. It’s true, I frequently find myself imagining the worst that could happen and then react to that, rather than to what will probably ACTUALLY happen. I was reading a book that said that’s our lizard brain reacting, the primitive part of our neurology that has the job of keeping us alive by freaking out and running from any danger, real or imagined. And sometimes it has a little too much enthusiasm for its job…

    I am glad that you spoke up for yourself and that it went well Woo hoo! Go you!

  12. Oh, I totally! do that: imagine crazy, very unlikely scenarios when I’m nervous about something. One time before a job interview I was convinced they were going to ask me to recite a passage from my favorite book. SO I MEMORIZED ONE.

    I’m so glad you talked to your boss! And that it went well! It’s nice to remember that most people are a lot more reasonable and awesome than we initially imagine.

  13. No, thank God, I’m not. But, I’ve been in those shoes and, no matter how far I walk in them, they never quite break in, ya know. 🙂

    Glad it’s being dealt with.

  14. Sometimes, putting what bothers you out into the Universe really helps. It might not bring immediate resolution, but oftentimes a lot of the stress surrounding the situation is related to holding everything in. I’m glad you’re moving forward, sweet Sizz.

  15. I have a huge issue that I’m so petrified to deal with–also work-related. So scary! I’m just kind of a shy person in general about asserting myself in important matters. I need to work on it in general.

  16. I love what you said about swallowing part of your personality. That really helps me. I do this sometimes – usually trying to deny my assertiveness, and usually around people who I worry can’t take it – and it ends up getting me worked up and feeling bad about myself. I need to give others more credit, and know for myself that I need to be genuine and that I can deal with whatever fallout may come from that.

  17. Good for you! I’m so glad you tackled it and are feeling better. I have a habit of needing others’ opinions on whether or not I should address issues. I’m not sure if that is good or bad…I think maybe it’s the result of being too confrontational in my past. Now I feel the need to go to a trusted friend and ask, “Should I say something?” When the answer comes back “yes,” you bet I hit it head-on.

    I can’t think of anything I need to address now. But I did have a scary work-related confrontation earlier in the year regarding my travels abroad. My heart raced when I spoke up to the people I needed to – but like you, I felt so much better afterwards. And I think people respect you more when you call them out on stuff.

  18. i have to repeat “what’s the worst that can happen? no seriously, what is THE WORST THING that can happen??” to myself regularly. and then.. really, the worst thing is almost NEVER actually all that bad. asserting self ftw!

  19. I am SO HAPPY you said something and it turned out well! Go sizz!

    I am very opinionated and outspoken when it is appropriate, but it is no longer at my job. So I hold a lot back there. With family too. Ha. Who doesn’t?

  20. Ah, I’ve started seeing a new therapist recently and we just had a conversation about how my anxiety comes so much from my fear of the worst thing that can happen, which 80-90% of the time is NOT what happens.
    Without going into specifics, I asserted myself for my own well being last Sunday and while I was dreading it and feeling weird after the fact, it was 100x better than I “feared” it would be. I’m tucking this away as a little lesson to myself. 🙂

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