What’s Possible*

I’ve been laying low in all respects- both here and, really, everywhere. I feel quiet. I feel like things are internally shifting to make space for the new year and a fresh perspective.

I started out the year with the intention that 2009 was going to be the year of “me first.” I let go of relationships with people who brought toxicity to my life. I stood up for myself repeatedly saying THIS IS WHAT I AM WORTH. Holy crap! I actually have a clue what that is! I started my weight loss journey and dropped 30 lbs (so far) and with each pound lost I have discovered a deeper sense of my self. I’ve admitted to faults and failures. I’ve cycled through grief and relief and struggled to be real, to outrun sorrow, to find my happy. I’ve traveled- A week by the ocean with my dear friends to ring in my 36th year; a bloggeriffic Chicago trip; again and again to magnificent Portland– my home away from home; and a fun-filled time with new and old friends in Los Angeles. I’ve worked my ass off at two taxing jobs and learned so much about myself in the process. I’ve spent precious hours with my main squeeze, my nephew Finn, who never fails to make me smile. I have laughed so much I’ve cried and cried until all that was left to do was crank the music up and dance.

2009 was a year of loss and growth. But aren’t they all? My dearest, sweetest pup, Angelou, lost her fight to cancer as did my hilarious and beautiful coworker, D. I ended my relationship with the Fella, then attempted to be friends with him, then realized that I could not be friends with someone who repeatedly showed me his lack of integrity and character, and now we do not speak. I was contacted by an old beau who claimed he still loved me and while I did not talk about it here, I spent months embroiled in the what ifs of it. And then I shook myself awake and got out of that bed I’d made. I looked at what he was offering me and said, “that is not nearly good enough.” Essentially, I fell out of love twice but once in love with myself which, my mom was right, is the key to it all.

When I think back on it, 2009 might just be the year I got a clue when it came to self-worth. I really did put myself first over and over again. With each attempt it gets easier. Remind me of this the next time I’m in a panic over it, okay?

And now, the new year ticks closer. . . I leave very early tomorrow morning for Portland to see sweet friends. I’m spending New Year’s Eve at the Oregon Coast (I love you, ocean.) with three of my favorite ladies (Jenny Two Times! Kerrianne! Long Story Longer!) where we will ring in 2010. As it always does, I know the sea will help me clear my head so I can find my clarity for my 2010 intention. I’ll be back after the 2nd to share it with you.

Thanks for being here this year. It matters so much to me.

*Favorite quote from this year: “You are in your life where you are because of what you believe is possible for yourself.”


35 thoughts on “What’s Possible*

  1. Sounds like an amazing 2009! Hope 2010 is just as good. Have a wonderful time in Oregon. The Oregon coast is one of my favorite places to go… where are you headed?

  2. i’m so proud of you. you have come so far. congratulations on all that you’ve worked so hard (and man has some of those things been hard!) for this year. you inspire me. thank you.

  3. This is such a great wrap up. It’s easy to feel like it was a hard year because of the economy and everything, but the growth you describe is pretty valuable. And it’s so true that there’s loss and growth in every year. I’m excited for all of us to close out the old one and bring in the new one together!

  4. Happy New Year, sweetest friend! This year, you’ve supported me, uplifted me, inspired me, and been my “reality check.” Thank you for being Y-O-U!

    Here’s to an amazing 2010! I predict that this will be the Year Of Sizzle!!!

  5. woman, you are amazing. you are an inspiration. and i’m proud to have been a follower for many, many years. keep on being the fabulous self you are, never compromise, and good things will come. so much love and good thoughts into the new year!!


  6. Excellent summary. It has been quite a year. I may have been quieter, lost in my own thoughts, but I have been reading. Congratulations on your accomplishments–growth? hmm, no. Congratulations on your evolution this year. It has often inspired me.

    Happy New Year!!!

  7. love all of this.

    and you.

    i get 24 hours with you. all to myself.
    (and no, sillies, not like that 🙂
    and then 2 more days with wonderful peeps



  8. you’re a gift–have fun by the sea
    and as james baldwin once wrote ““Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
    here’s to new growth, light and joy in 2010–Stay Amazing!! love ya, sjc

  9. Have a wonderful New Years with your friends, Sizzle. Make some lovely memories, and charge that battery for the new challenges ahead! You said it all so well, and just in a teaspoon, too.

    I wonder myself about the challenges ahead, but all I know is, we have to keep plowing forward! Onward and Upward, people.((hugs))

  10. Great post! I am looking forward to reading about your adventures in 2010. I am enjoying your twitter updates too. Glad you had such a memorable date, that gives me hope for my future!

  11. It was a pretty epic year. Here’s to next year being even better! And it was great to see you last night for the last “Secret Lovers Meet-up” of ’09!

  12. I know you may not see this, but have a WONDERFUL holiday with your friends. Thank you for your wit, wisdom, and friendship this year.
    And may 2010 be the year we meet at last! 😀

  13. I can’t tell you just how exceptional I think you are. Here’s to taking 2010 by storm or the balls. Whatever suits you.

    xoxo, lady.

  14. You are at my favorite beach ever! I was there last year at this time. I miss it so. You lucky duck. I am proud of you, keep up the good work! xoxo

  15. I’ve been missing in action since October. On purpose. I’m now back. Better than before. I haven’t read a word out of your mind since then either. The other day I started to wonder about you. Your sister. And Finn. Hoping for the best in all three. I’m thinking of a new blog name, same address but new everything. I really miss blogging and reading yours. Peace out.

  16. You had SUCH a big year in terms of growth and self-awareness. I think all the struggling and learning you did last year will set you up for a wonderful year this year. I hope so, anyway.

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