I’ve been laying low in all respects- both here and, really, everywhere. I feel quiet. I feel like things are internally shifting to make space for the new year and a fresh perspective.
I started out the year with the intention that 2009 was going to be the year of “me first.” I let go of relationships with people who brought toxicity to my life. I stood up for myself repeatedly saying THIS IS WHAT I AM WORTH. Holy crap! I actually have a clue what that is! I started my weight loss journey and dropped 30 lbs (so far) and with each pound lost I have discovered a deeper sense of my self. I’ve admitted to faults and failures. I’ve cycled through grief and relief and struggled to be real, to outrun sorrow, to find my happy. I’ve traveled- A week by the ocean with my dear friends to ring in my 36th year; a bloggeriffic Chicago trip; again and again to magnificent Portland– my home away from home; and a fun-filled time with new and old friends in Los Angeles. I’ve worked my ass off at two taxing jobs and learned so much about myself in the process. I’ve spent precious hours with my main squeeze, my nephew Finn, who never fails to make me smile. I have laughed so much I’ve cried and cried until all that was left to do was crank the music up and dance.
2009 was a year of loss and growth. But aren’t they all? My dearest, sweetest pup, Angelou, lost her fight to cancer as did my hilarious and beautiful coworker, D. I ended my relationship with the Fella, then attempted to be friends with him, then realized that I could not be friends with someone who repeatedly showed me his lack of integrity and character, and now we do not speak. I was contacted by an old beau who claimed he still loved me and while I did not talk about it here, I spent months embroiled in the what ifs of it. And then I shook myself awake and got out of that bed I’d made. I looked at what he was offering me and said, “that is not nearly good enough.” Essentially, I fell out of love twice but once in love with myself which, my mom was right, is the key to it all.
When I think back on it, 2009 might just be the year I got a clue when it came to self-worth. I really did put myself first over and over again. With each attempt it gets easier. Remind me of this the next time I’m in a panic over it, okay?
And now, the new year ticks closer. . . I leave very early tomorrow morning for Portland to see sweet friends. I’m spending New Year’s Eve at the Oregon Coast (I love you, ocean.) with three of my favorite ladies (Jenny Two Times! Kerrianne! Long Story Longer!) where we will ring in 2010. As it always does, I know the sea will help me clear my head so I can find my clarity for my 2010 intention. I’ll be back after the 2nd to share it with you.
Thanks for being here this year. It matters so much to me.
*Favorite quote from this year: “You are in your life where you are because of what you believe is possible for yourself.”