So Comes Love*

I’ve done a lot of thinking and journaling about what 2010’s intention will be. I wrote pages upon pages while The Swell Season sang in my ears and the ocean roared outside and three of my best girlfriends chatted in the other room. I holed myself up and hunkered down because I felt adrift and uncentered and small. Sometimes I wake up in that feeling and have to write my way back to my true self. Does that ever happen to you?

I started this “setting an intention” ritual back in 2006 with a list and as the years progressed, I fine tuned it. 2007 was the year of acceptance. 2008 was my year of gumption. 2009 was all about putting myself first. And looking back on each year I can see how that intention weaved its way through my days. My intention sets the tone for the year to come.

As I wrote in my journal on New Year’s Day I sensed a theme emerging in what my pen put to paper. I wrote about everything I’ve learned about myself and how practicing self-acceptance, employing gumption and challenging myself to finally put myself first has opened me up to a truer version of myself than I ever thought possible. The fact that I am able to say that I love myself is something I could not say five years ago. It is no small statement when I say: It has made all the difference. I am not perfect at it. But love is not perfect.

I spend a great deal of time in my therapy sessions cataloging my fears because, despite how I might appear to the public, my confidence is not always strong and my self-doubt nags at me. A lot of the time I feel clenched up inside of myself. My mind never shuts off. I’m perpetually in self-protection mode. I hang on to a lot of hurt.

I want to be free of it.

Something I’ve never been very good at is letting go. I’m a controller which I’ve talked about a lot here. How somewhere a long time ago I got it into my head that if I could control my world, I would feel safe. I could make everything alright. An effort in futility is more like it. It’s impossible. A set up to fail.ย  So I never feel successful. And I never feel safe despite exhausting myself in the endeavor.

I do not want to do this anymore.

I carry a lot that is not mine or old stuff that no longer serves me. I want release from this. I want centeredness. I want to let go of always having a plan, of anticipating what is next, of go go go, of outrunning my own heart. I want to learn to be okay with not feeling okay, with feelings that are uncomfortable without pushing them away or covering them up, with the unknown. I want to be braver and more true to myself- the self that doesn’t feel compelled to fix everything for everyone. The self that finally knows what it feels like to relax inside.

And so. . . 2010 is the year of letting go.

Here’s to the next leg of the journey. Wish me luck.

*From an e.e. cummings poem I love.

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29 thoughts on “So Comes Love*

  1. I will be following your progress! Reading your blog posts helps give me the courage and the motivation to do some self-cleansing of my own. It’s nice to see that I am not alone in my insanity with some of this stuff, and it’s encouraging to hear that one can break through it, and come out on the other side with a smile on one’s face and a renewed strength in one’s Spirit.

    I applaud you!

  2. Sounds like a good plan for the New Year. I don’t think I have a lot of trouble with carrying old stuff around. I do have some trouble not being where I want to be in life yet. And I do tend to carry grudges…I guess that is holding onto something. Good luck with this endeavor this year, and keep up the kissing. ( :

  3. “The fact that I am able to say that I love myself is something I could not say five years ago. It is no small statement when I say: It has made all the difference. I am not perfect at it. But love is not perfect.”

    perfect.

    hold on to that when you question who you are.

    xo
    j

  4. You are amazing. It is so fantastic that you are so determined to love yourself and accept yourself. Some of us are nowhere near that point. Good for you. I’m rooting for you!

  5. baby girl, it’s so good to see you getting closer and closer to the place you want and need to be. i’m both proud of you and in awe of you.
    this next year is going to be so full of such wonder and amazement for you. i just know it. =)

  6. It’s as if you were making your way to this intention all along, isn’t it? I’m excited for you and for what’s to come through this. You inspire ME!

  7. Dude, not only have you come to love yourself, but you are trusting yourself to become a better person. You KNOW you can do this already, but committing it to paper makes it so.

    We all feel better when we write, that’s why we blog! I never express my emotions in words outloud as well as I do when I write. I’m so glad you write about these things. I feel like we share some things in common, and I admire your pluck, girl!

  8. sister, it IS okay for not feeling okay. i for one took a mental health day the other day. the children took one with me – because we weren’t okay.

    love you.

  9. I’m wishing you luck this year! I really commend you for fighting so hard for things you want. Some want things but aren’t willing to work so dedicatedly to make it happen.

  10. We have similar words. Mine is Release. And here’s why: there are things I need to let go of and let move on. All those things, as you said, that don’t serve me. But there’s another release too….and that’s as part of the creative cycle. Once something is written, drawn, etc. and is as well done as I can do it, I need to let it go. I need to release the poem, the children’s book, the novel. So that’s the big meaning for me re: Release. I know you’re a writer too. So I thought I’d mention it, cause maybe you have writing to let go of as well? Thought I’d ask.

  11. Love this. I like the idea of having a theme for your year.

    I struggle with the same control issues too, and my past year has included some efforts to practice letting go. It’s tough, but ee cummings is right — so comes love. Good luck!

  12. I, too, have theme years — I think it’s SO helpful and fabulous, and the intent really does come through all year. Last year was, “Sandra Puts It Out There ’09” and it was…well, amazing.

  13. Interesting enough last night or early this morning when I couldn’t sleep my melon went through all of my bad experiences and whatnots in recent days, weeks, months and my mind kept shouting “Let it go already!” I really tried hard to concentrate on letting stuff “go!” …2010 is MY year to shine is many ways and perhaps I, too, have to learn to just “let it all go.” Here’s to a successful year Sizzle! Rock on.

  14. Love your blogs, Sizzle ๐Ÿ™‚ I relate to so much of what you share. I believe this will be a year of self-discovery for me. In August of 2009 I lost my mother (I was very, very close to her), left my husband of 22 years (it was way over due) and moved out on my own with my kids. I feel like a former inmate who is now trying to re-enter society. There are so many options available to me now that I don’t know which way to go at times. I think the first step will be to find out who I really am and what I truly want in life. Because it’s too short to live it unhappily and I don’t want to settle anymore ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. I have always felt such an empowering sense of freedom when I’ve let go of things that do nothing but bring me down. It can definitely be scary at times (sometimes it’s those exact things we’ve hidden behind for years), but I think the outcome is well worth the process. Can’t wait to follow and cheer you along your journey, Sizz!

  16. I can very much relate to this post. And I wish you luck on your continued journey. You have made such awesome progress already and I hope you always know what an amazing person you are.

  17. It sounds like a great resolution ๐Ÿ™‚ I love the idea of writing stuff down and figuring out what big change you want to make. I always sit down in early January and write personal resolutions that are for no-one but me and, you know, I usually always see them done. Good luck with this year ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. I totally relate to the writing yourself out of/through things. That’s been a huge sanity saver for me throughout my life. I think it’s so good and healthy to use writing as a tool like that.

    This post shows so much about where you are and where you’re going. So great. So great you can write like this after maybe not being able to. And it will be really amazing to let go of that control! I need to follow in your footsteps!

  19. Any year that starts by listening to The Swell Season has to be a good year …

    And letting go means making room for letting new things in.

  20. Ditto for me. I am feeling the same and it is about time to let go of old habits, old beliefs, old junk and old boyfriends. Good luck Sizzle. xoxo

  21. I was going to mention the same thing that Em said. The first thing I thought of when I read this was “release.” Granted, I realize it’s pretty much the same thing as letting go. ๐Ÿ™‚ I started a similar tradition by setting a word for the year. Mine was “connection.” I am hoping to blog about it soon!

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